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Hard to Read - 6/17/2007 3:52:04 PM   
bellaballanda


Posts: 62
Joined: 9/1/2006
Status: offline 		I'm hard to read. Not generally, but when I play, I'm very hard to read. I don't make nearly any noise. I've never screamed in a scene, I just don't process the pain that way. I don't move... I mean you get tensing up etc right after a strike, but there's no flailing or anything.... Add in to it the fact that since my skin is so dark, things don't mark me like they do the average person, and you get a quite new sensation for people who've never played with more or seen me play before.....

So what do I do to try to change it? It's really hard for people I play with to know what's going on in my head. I don't have a master right now, but I'm really picky with whom I play with and it's mostly good friends of mine who are pretty aware of how I play.  In addition, if I really get into sub space, I also go non-verbal, so that doesn't help things either.
Do I need to change it? Can that just be the way I react to things? I try to communicate how I'm going to react as much as possible before a scene, but maybe I'm not being as good at it as I should be...
Thoughts? Comments? I really appreciate any help with this....

_____________________________

~Shelly

The lifestyle comes to each differently... always remember that....
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Hard to Read - 6/17/2007 4:10:14 PM   
meticulousgirl


Posts: 969
Joined: 2/20/2007
Status: offline 		I understand where your coming from completely even though I'm the fairest of lights in skin tone i completely get it from the other end of the spectrum. 

My advice to you would be to keep persistantly communicating whatever is going on in your mind, try to explain the thought process you go through and just tell the one you scene with how unverbal you are and describe what it is that your looking for.

best of luck 

(in reply to bellaballanda)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Hard to Read - 6/17/2007 4:22:58 PM   
starDF


Posts: 35
Joined: 3/4/2005
Status: offline 		Personally i don't think you need to change it, it's who you are.  I used to be VERY unresponsive during scenes - no noise, no movement, no talking..i  just took it, processed it, enjoyed it.

Now, i've been with Master 5 years and have learned that i can open up and make noise, wiggle a lil etc...and i do, VERY little, it's been difficult to break me of my lack of response and almost frustrating for Master at first as He learned to adjust to it and understand it.  We constantly communicate so that i would know i could open up and he started talking to me more during some scenes in order to get me to express more emotions...

so in short, i don't think you need to change, i personally would say when you are ready you may open up more (took me over 8 years to find One i trusted enough to do so)...

Good Luck!
Darkness Fallens star

(in reply to bellaballanda)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Hard to Read - 6/17/2007 4:30:04 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		[FR]
i am coming from the same place you are...i don't make noise, i don't dance around, i am darker skinned, i don't bruise easily and all of those things irritate certain people...one of the best scenes of my life was where i was in a place so primal all i could do was groan and scream and writhe around on the floor...i think the only time i spoke durring the scene was when i was so shocked by the lack of pain i came up for a second to say "why did you stop" and it was just so he could move to a different area...
but the rest of the time...very little response to no response...is this wrong? no! can you change it if it bothers you? yes...but i have found i don't go as deep under if i do make noise...
my suggestion...let them know as part of negotiations before the scene..."typically i am not very responsive..." let them know you are comfortable saying a safeword if something  goes wrong...let them know if you need them to check in with them every 2 or 5 or 10 minutes...let them know if you need someone to stand there and watch until your eyes glaze over or you start crying or you orgasm or whatever the end of your scene typically is...basically communication communication communication...and if they are not comfortable with it, don't play with them...i assumed you're talking about fairly casual play so, if its not fun, why do it? from either side
chelle
House Infernus

(in reply to meticulousgirl)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Hard to Read - 6/17/2007 5:31:37 PM   
santalia


Posts: 142
Joined: 1/10/2007
Status: offline 		Greetings

i haven't scened very much in the three years i've been in the lifestyle, but those times i have, very much like you, i am very quiet, i don't move much except flinching a little, and when i start moving toward subspace, i could be a bump on a log for all the response that is gotten from me. lol....though i can't relate to the skin because i'm as white as can be...lol.

It is not wrong and if you end up satisfied at the end of a scene, then does it really matter how much you physically or vocally respond to it? i think the only response that matters is that you end up where you and your play partner aimed for you to be.

Well wishes

-santalia{JR}

(in reply to chellekitty)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Hard to Read - 6/17/2007 5:58:43 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Best thing would be to print this out and make sure a person reads it before they play with you.

Or just tell them what you said here.  Good players will ask the questions that will give them these answers anyway :)

If you get into a relationship with someone, then you'll know what their preference is and have decided to accept that.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to bellaballanda)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Hard to Read - 6/17/2007 6:34:40 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bellaballanda
I'm hard to read. Not generally, but when I play, I'm very hard to read. I don't make nearly any noise. I've never screamed in a scene, I just don't process the pain that way. I don't move... I mean you get tensing up etc right after a strike, but there's no flailing or anything............Do I need to change it? Can that just be the way I react to things? I try to communicate how I'm going to react as much as possible before a scene, but maybe I'm not being as good at it as I should be...
Thoughts? Comments? I really appreciate any help with this....

If those are your honest reactions, don't change them. If you make noise or scream when you don't really feel like it, isn't that faking?  There is no "appropriate" way to react.  I have posted here in the past about how, when I was brand new to this, I had this ridiculous belief that a "good" slave could take any amount of pain without crying out....lol....so, in my infinite wisdom...ahem....I decided the next time I was under the whip, I was gonna be tough if it killed me. 

I took everything Master could dish out and was as responsive as a brick wall.  In my zeal to not cry or show my pain, I wasn't showing Him anything postive either.  It was the worst experience we have ever shared.  After much discussion in which I explained all I just said here, He made it clear that the only reactions He considers "inappropriate" are false ones.  I'm not to bite my tongue and be stoic if I feel like crying out and I'm not to writhe and scream if it's not my natural reaction.  He doesn't want to see my acting skills, He wants my real responses.  Hopefully, anyone you choose to play with will as well.  Just be yourself.........slave luci 

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to bellaballanda)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Hard to Read - 6/17/2007 6:42:22 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		You dont need to change it, you need to meet someone who is ok with it, or even likes it.  Personally, part of what I get out of a scene is the reactions I get.  Both Kitten and Angel are very reactive in their own way, and I have learned to read their reactions.
When you are with someone, they will learn to read the more subtle changes in you. Everyone reacts, its just a matter of how and why. When I first started with Kitten, he barely reacted to anything becasue he was new and was so concentrated on what he is feeling that outwardly nothing happens. Now, I notice the differences when we play, whereas the only reactions I got originally were the ones when we snuggled afterwards.
Dont change just make very sure that the person or people you interact with know exactly what to expect from the beginning.  That helps weed out thoe who wont enjoy themselves with you, as wel as those who might not be able to play with someone who doesnt give them cues.  Eventually, youll find someone who can work with what you offer, but changing what you are for a potential someone isnt the way to go.  Be yourself, since its easier than remembering who you were pretending to be later.

DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Hard to Read - 6/17/2007 7:14:27 PM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		When I first started I was ridiculously unresponsive.  I had in my head this image of a stoic bottom who could take whatever beating was offered.  I don't know what changed in me, and it certainly wasn't anything I worked on, but over time I've gotten noisier and more wiggly.  And, a lot less serious.  Sometimes, I'm like a little girl: "Owie!  That hurts!"  I would just go with your reactions and take them for what they are...reactions.  Not performances or anything considered.

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin


(in reply to bellaballanda)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Hard to Read - 6/17/2007 7:30:27 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

He doesn't want to see my acting skills, He wants my real responses


Wonderful!

(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Hard to Read - 6/17/2007 7:43:56 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		I'm hard to read because I'm written in Circassian.

(in reply to bellaballanda)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Hard to Read - 6/17/2007 7:56:05 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl
When I first started I was ridiculously unresponsive.  I had in my head this image of a stoic bottom who could take whatever beating was offered.  I don't know what changed in me, and it certainly wasn't anything I worked on, but over time I've gotten noisier and more wiggly.  And, a lot less serious.  Sometimes, I'm like a little girl: "Owie!  That hurts!"  I would just go with your reactions and take them for what they are...reactions.  Not performances or anything considered.

Absolutely, gypsygirl.  I loved your answer.  As I said above, I did the same thing.  I didn't consciously work on it either but after that little episode, I was fully aware that forced stoicism was gonna stop.  My reactions are real now and really don't go to either extreme often.  I think one of the keys in being able to do this is, as you said, not taking it so "serious"ly and not trying to conform to some preconceived notion of how I "should" act.  And, honestly, reactions vary.  The same activity today might bring delicious enjoyment while tomorrow it'll bring that "Owie!  That hurts" line that you mentioned.  Something new everyday.....how wonderful............luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to gypsygrl)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Hard to Read - 6/17/2007 8:10:35 PM   
HypnoticDan


Posts: 463
Joined: 5/23/2007
Status: offline 		I completely agree with what people have written here.

Most people treat each other the way they expect to be treated, and interpret other people's responses based on how they would respond. So if we played together and you just lay there, I would be convinced you were bored to death. Eventually I would become so frustrated I'd feel like wailing on you even harder, but in reality I'd probably throw your clothes at you and tell you to just get out.

My point isn't that we wouldn't be a good fit. My point is that, just like a vanilla relationship, there's some give and take, there's a trade off. I don't go through your purse, you don't leave dirty dishes next to the sink. I don't push your hard limits, you let me know if your hard limits change. I spin you a kinky fantasy while we play, you participate as more than a prop by making some noise when I'm doing something that feels good.

Then again, maybe that isn't the issue. Clearly you (and some others) are ... concerned about communicating. Could it be you're just a little shy? Most people I know have a hard time talking dirty even though they love to hear it. Sit down with your special someone and spend an hour just saying dirty things and watch each other's reaction. Make it a story where each of you takes turns adding to the plot. This is even more fun if you do it somewhere respectable like a fancy restaurant. Watch that poor waitress turn crimson when she accidentally overhears!

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Hard to Read - 6/17/2007 8:53:47 PM   
bellaballanda


Posts: 62
Joined: 9/1/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks everyone for their kind responses.  I don't really want to change, it's just more of a safety thing if I want to play harder.  A couple of my regular play partners are just trying to figure out the best way to gauge where I am in a scene and see if I need more/less...  The non-verbal part doesn't help either...

I find that when I'm just bottoming (no D/s) I can communicate, I can say harder faster not there etc.....  The problem comes when I go into submissive head space.  Trying to talk or answer any kind of question coherently takes me immediately out of head space.  I can't take the amountof pain I want to take unless I'm in the submissive head space, but when I get there I worry about (and some of my partners) worry about gauging where I am...

Again, thanks for all the answers.  I share this with people I play with, but I just wanted to try and figure out what would happen if/when I start to play more intensely.....



_____________________________

~Shelly

The lifestyle comes to each differently... always remember that....

(in reply to HypnoticDan)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Hard to Read - 6/17/2007 9:25:58 PM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I took everything Master could dish out and was as responsive as a brick wall.  In my zeal to not cry or show my pain, I wasn't showing Him anything postive either.  It was the worst experience we have ever shared.


I played with a bottom like this at a public event a few years back, and was bored out of my mind!  I hit this boy with everything I had and he didn't flinch; didn't make a peep; didn't move a muscle.  I may as well have been beating the friggin' wall.  After about an hour of this, when I'd decided I'd given him enough marks and provided what I felt was adequate cool down, I just quit and started packing up my toys.  He lay there for about five minutes, and then turned around and asked, "Are we through?"  Uh... yeah, guy.  We're through.  He followed me around like a little puppy dog the rest of the weekend, telling anyone who would listen what a wonderful top I was.  (Ugh!) 
 
To bellaballanda, I would say this:  I'm fairly quiet during play, myself.  The Kaptin will elicit the occasional gasp, groan or flinch from me, but screams are fairly rare and very, very brief if He does get me to utter one.  Just make sure the top you're playing with knows what to expect from you in terms of response, so that they don't take a perceived "lack of response" personally, and so that they know to perhaps pay a little closer attention to what's happening with you during play.   From what you've written, it seems like you do give *some* response; it's just not loud and dramatic.  And that's OK.  It's who you are.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich


(in reply to bellaballanda)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Hard to Read - 6/18/2007 4:50:54 AM   
Areflectionofyou


Posts: 258
Joined: 4/4/2006
Status: offline 		im very quiet when i play and very masochistic . i found that i shouldn't play with people i don't know intimately.

(in reply to bellaballanda)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Hard to Read - 6/18/2007 6:21:45 AM   
LadyHeart


Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		My question is: What exactly is the problem you are identifying here? Did a previous Master complain about your lack of reaction? (In which case, he's history, so who cares?) Or are you worried that a potential Master "might" see it as a problem? (In which case you've already got some good answers) Or is it a problem for you because Dominants are going too far with you because of their inability to read you?  I really don't see that there IS a problem unless it is a problem for YOU. In which case, you need non verbal indications to clue in the Dominant that you are reaching your safeword point, such as dropping a ball you've been holding, deliberatey moving your feet or whatever signal you decide upon.
:))
LH

_____________________________

"BDSM is not an excuse for bad manners."

(in reply to Areflectionofyou)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Hard to Read - 6/18/2007 7:36:47 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		I think you should just tell any new people you are condisering playing with about your reacation or lack of.  Just so they know and don't thin you are not enjoying.  Me on the other had whan i get spanked by Master i am very responsive i jump i cry out  Master does not beat me, but a spanking is enough to cause a reacation in me.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to LadyHeart)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Hard to Read - 6/18/2007 11:17:09 AM   
Viridana


Posts: 754
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bellaballanda

I'm hard to read. Not generally, but when I play, I'm very hard to read. I don't make nearly any noise. I've never screamed in a scene, I just don't process the pain that way. I don't move... I mean you get tensing up etc right after a strike, but there's no flailing or anything.... Add in to it the fact that since my skin is so dark, things don't mark me like they do the average person, and you get a quite new sensation for people who've never played with more or seen me play before.....

So what do I do to try to change it? It's really hard for people I play with to know what's going on in my head. I don't have a master right now, but I'm really picky with whom I play with and it's mostly good friends of mine who are pretty aware of how I play.  In addition, if I really get into sub space, I also go non-verbal, so that doesn't help things either.
Do I need to change it? Can that just be the way I react to things? I try to communicate how I'm going to react as much as possible before a scene, but maybe I'm not being as good at it as I should be...
Thoughts? Comments? I really appreciate any help with this....


I'm like you. I'm very hard to read. I don't react much to the stimuli because I'm in my own world. I also go non-verbal. My partner and me decided to communicate my feelings in different ways. For instance, If my hands are taped, we tape a little string of chains to both fists. If I cling the chains on my left hand it means, stop for a little while give me a break. I then cling the chain again when I'm ready.  If  I cling on the right hand it means full stop, untie me now.

You can also use a bell (somewhat like on a bicycle) to communicate, have an object in your hand that you drop when you've had enough and all sorts of comminication methods you can design with your partner to make the experience as great as possible. Do you need to change? hell no.

(in reply to bellaballanda)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Hard to Read - 6/18/2007 11:35:46 AM   
bellaballanda


Posts: 62
Joined: 9/1/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHeart

Or is it a problem for you because Dominants are going too far with you because of their inability to read you? 


It's actually the opposite problem.... Some of the Dominants I play with stop too early 'cause in their inability to read me, they're afraid of pushing me too far.  I guess I am lucky not to have the problem you referred to...


_____________________________

~Shelly

The lifestyle comes to each differently... always remember that....

(in reply to LadyHeart)
Profile   Post #: 20
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