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RED Flags - 9/13/2007 11:48:01 AM

kirby104

Posts: 94
Joined: 6/6/2005
Status: offline

You've found a bad Dom/me who has such contempt for a sub to remark that the sub must be returned to the SPCA when the sub is used up.

You've found a bad Dom/me when the host of a party has to remind them to PLAY CONSENSUALLY and also to NOT TOUCH OTHERS SUBS WITHOUT PERMISSION.

You have found a bad Dom/me that has a chronic history of subs removing their own collars because the subs fear for their own safety.

You have found a bad Dom/me when the status on their profile changes because the predator failed to find a willing victim. Now the con artist's status is a switch in order to seek new victims.

You have found a bad Dom/me that chronically attacks in any way, shape, or form NONCONSENSUALLY.

You have a bad Dom/me when safewords are ignored AT PLAY PARTIES!.

BDSM is consensual power exchange between WILLING partners. Anything that makes you feel repeatedly ignored, stupid, angry, hostile, contemptuous, mocked, inadequate, ineffectual, unheard, disrepected (outside a scene/ in general life) are signs that the situation is WRONG.

Added link:
http://www.evilmonk.org/A/abuse00.cfm

Post #: 1

RE: RED Flags - 9/13/2007 11:54:29 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kirby104

You've found a bad Dom/me who has such contempt for a sub to remark that the sub must be returned to the SPCA when the sub is used up.
My ex dom was heard to say several times i would be returned to the gutter i came from when He had finished with me.

You've found a bad Dom/me when the host of a party has to remind them to PLAY CONSENSUALLY and also to NOT TOUCH OTHERS SUBS WITHOUT PERMISSION.
Surely such a person would not be invited to a party.

You have found a bad Dom/me that has a chronic history of subs removing their own collars because the subs fear for their own safety.
True, but not necessarily going to be advertised or known this has happened.

You have found a bad Dom/me when the status on their profile changes because the predator failed to find a willing victim. Now the con artist's status is a switch in order to seek new victims.
True but again unless advertised you are not going to know this.

You have found a bad Dom/me that chronically attacks in any way, shape, or form NONCONSENSUALLY.
Yep.

You have a bad Dom/me when safewords are ignored AT PLAY PARTIES!.
Dont you mean when safe words are ignored full stop.

BDSM is consensual power exchange between WILLING partners. Anything that makes you feel repeatedly ignored, stupid, angry, hostile, contemptuous, mocked, inadequate, ineffectual, unheard, disrepected (outside a scene/ in general life) are signs that the situation is WRONG.

Added link:
http://www.evilmonk.org/A/abuse00.cfm

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to kirby104)

Post #: 2

RE: RED Flags - 9/13/2007 12:39:59 PM

chellekitty

Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline

whoops...edited because i realized that i should not have posted that for the world to see...

< Message edited by chellekitty -- 9/13/2007 12:41:38 PM >

_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 3

RE: RED Flags - 9/13/2007 12:46:00 PM

xoxi

Posts: 1066
Status: offline

I found a bad Dom once. He invited me to chat and the first thing he said was "I'm actually a switch." The next thing he said was "Are you a switch too?" When I said no, I need a man who can and will dominate me he said "Oh, should I go then?"

Yeah...he was a reaaaaaaaally bad Dom.

(in reply to chellekitty)

Post #: 4

RE: RED Flags - 9/13/2007 12:48:39 PM

Aileen68

Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kirby104

You've found a bad Dom/me who has such contempt for a sub to remark that the sub must be returned to the SPCA when the sub is used up.

You've found a bad Dom/me when the host of a party has to remind them to PLAY CONSENSUALLY and also to NOT TOUCH OTHERS SUBS WITHOUT PERMISSION.

You have found a bad Dom/me that has a chronic history of subs removing their own collars because the subs fear for their own safety.

You have found a bad Dom/me when the status on their profile changes because the predator failed to find a willing victim. Now the con artist's status is a switch in order to seek new victims.

You have found a bad Dom/me that chronically attacks in any way, shape, or form NONCONSENSUALLY.

You have a bad Dom/me when safewords are ignored AT PLAY PARTIES!.

BDSM is consensual power exchange between WILLING partners. Anything that makes you feel repeatedly ignored, stupid, angry, hostile, contemptuous, mocked, inadequate, ineffectual, unheard, disrepected (outside a scene/ in general life) are signs that the situation is WRONG.

Added link:
http://www.evilmonk.org/A/abuse00.cfm

Actually, some of these wouldn't be red flags at all for me.
The SPCA one...this falls into a humiliation aspect to me. It would turn me on.
Changing the status of their profile...perhaps they're just learning more about themselves. I personally know some doms who now identify as switch.
I don't use safewords so that is a non-issue with me.

(in reply to kirby104)

Post #: 5

RE: RED Flags - 9/13/2007 12:58:53 PM

BoiJen

Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline

you know you have found a bad submissive when they post shit like this
you know you have found a bad submissive when they think that calling safe word is magically gonna stop the damage rather than be damage control.

you know you have found a bad submissive when they can't spell the word submissive.

I think I've made my point.

(in reply to Aileen68)

Post #: 6

RE: RED Flags - 9/13/2007 1:00:29 PM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

Um...

Usually if half the vocabulary in the OP's statements are clear to the reader, the reader has already learned these things.

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to Aileen68)

Post #: 7

RE: RED Flags - 9/13/2007 1:02:44 PM

Aileen68

Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline

Directed towards me or fast reply?

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 8

RE: RED Flags - 9/13/2007 1:06:18 PM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

you know you have found a bad submissive when they post shit like this
much harsh
you know you have found a bad submissive when they think that calling safe word is magically gonna stop the damage rather than be damage control.
huh?
you know you have found a bad submissive when they can't spell the word submissive.
unfair, some people have dyslexia and such.

I think I've made my point.
uh huh.

I'm gonna call you out here
Why is the submissive always the bad one?
Don't think i've seen you ever criticise a Dom / domme.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 9

RE: RED Flags - 9/13/2007 1:13:34 PM

xoxi

Posts: 1066
Status: offline

Actually a safe word might just magically stop the damage. Especially if used when the rope is pulled so far your arm is about to pop out, or your leg just cramped and being in the same position is excruciating, or you're tied so tight blood circulation is cut off.

And ignoring a safe word is going to multiply the damage exponentially. What could have been solved with "I'm sorry dear I didn't realize" is now going to be met with "Why didn't you listen when I used the safe word? I am never going to play with you again and I am going to make sure every single person you know in the scene hears about this IN DETAIL you fucking asshole/cunt, and you're damn lucky I won't call your mother and tell HER too."

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 10

RE: RED Flags - 9/13/2007 1:17:59 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

you know you have found a bad submissive when they post shit like this

I've seen doms post stuff like this, about doms and subs. Is that another "you've found a bad dom when..."?

quote:

you know you have found a bad submissive when they think that calling safe word is magically gonna stop the damage rather than be damage control.

There is no excuse to ignore a safe word at a play party. When you go into a play party you consent to the rules. If the rules say "stop when the submissive uses the safeword" you stop. It has nothing to do with your opinion on safe words working or not, it has to do with the fact that you agreed to play by those rules. In your own house, you make the rules.

quote:

you know you have found a bad submissive when they can't spell the word submissive.

No, you've found a bad speller. If being a bad speller makes someone a bad submissive or a dominant, the population of collarme is about to get a lot smaller.

quote:

I think I've made my point.

And I think I've made mine.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 9/13/2007 1:19:01 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 11

RE: RED Flags - 9/13/2007 1:27:05 PM

chellekitty

Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline

does the link have anything to do with what you have posted?

_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to kirby104)

Post #: 12

RE: RED Flags - 9/13/2007 1:33:53 PM

BoiJen

Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline

Safewords are damage control. They are called after the damage is done. And damage is not always possible to be seen by a TOP (not a D-type...as not everyone on THAT side of the toy is a D-type....and we're talking about playing here).

I think there's WAY too much...this D-type is bad...this top hurt me...well duh. No shit that's what the top is supposed to do. And I see all this responsibility being thrown on the tops and D-types...what about the submissive who goes to a fucked up guy anyways after being told he's fucked up? Who's fault is that then? We're adults. We can remove someone's hands or bite them or get really loud at a party like "Excuse me asshole why are you in m stuff/get your hands off of that!" And I bet said person is gonna be a bit embarassed.

Basically we all know some macho asshole who's gotten ahead of themselves. We also all know some idiot who thinks they're the end all cure all for said asshole. It's their fault for being involved and for not checking shit out to begin with. So why are there multiple threads of this nature?

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 13

RE: RED Flags - 9/13/2007 1:36:43 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

As I said - the point has nothing to do with if you think safe words are effective or not. The point is that when you entered the play party you agreed to play by those rules.

If the rules of the play party are not to your liking, simply host your own.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 14

RE: RED Flags - 9/13/2007 1:47:22 PM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

Wasting your breath springs to mind here aquatic hun

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 15

RE: RED Flags - 9/13/2007 2:12:20 PM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline

Edited for clarity:

quote:

ORIGINAL: kirby104

You've found a bad Dom/me who has such contempt for a sub to remark that the sub must be returned to the SPCA when the sub is used up....

...You have found a bad Dom/me when the status on their profile changes because the predator failed to find a willing victim. Now the con artist's status is a switch in order to seek new victims..

The first isn't an automatic red flag but more often a sign of incompatibility and is highly situational. For some that sort of thing is very enjoyable and is part of a happy dynamic.

The second is completely unverifiable and relies on hearsay mainly. Lots of folks change their profile status; I myself have. Sometimes it's because they're finding knew parts to themselves, sometimes it's for clarity, sometimes because they are seeking a particular thing at a particular time, etc. Again, not in itself a red flag.

quote:

You have a bad Dom/me when safewords are ignored AT PLAY PARTIES!.

Why in the world is it special that this is at play parties? Personally, I'd be concerned no matter where it took place... and perhaps moreso in private as there aren't others there to rely on.

quote:

BDSM is consensual power exchange between WILLING partners. Anything that makes you feel repeatedly ignored, stupid, angry, hostile, contemptuous, mocked, inadequate, ineffectual, unheard, disrepected (outside a scene/ in general life) are signs that the situation is WRONG.

Again, this comes down to you complaining about some things that just aren't right *for you*. Some people's dynamics (not scenes, but everyday D/s relationship) are involved with the many of the things you listed there. These things aren't inherently red flags. They are only so when it is not what a particular partner agrees to/craves.

Frankly, this post makes the OP look quite bad.

< Message edited by RumpusParable -- 9/13/2007 2:20:46 PM >

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to Aileen68)

Post #: 16

RE: RED Flags - 9/13/2007 2:13:57 PM

Wickad

Posts: 428
Joined: 3/12/2005
Status: offline

(fast reply)

Interesting!?!?

Some of the play parties I've been at don't specify 'safe words' or 'safe gestures'. These parties tend to leave the negotiation and determination of a safe words up to the adults involved.

I do agree that if a safe word had been set that the Dominant or Top involved should abide by said word and all its connotations. That being said, safe words are rarely called because things are going swell and the submissive involved has a premonition that things will suddenly go sour so decides to call the safe word to ensure that said 'bad thing' doesn't happen. Most of the time a safe word is called because something has already gone horribly wrong and the person in question needs to be taken out of the scene (and oftentimes out of the building - ie: hospital).

Though I've met many of the 'bad Dominants' that you speak of, I've also met many 'crappy submissives'. We're all people and ability, sincerity, knowledge, morals, character, and self-awareness cannot be confined to one side of the equation. Blaming someone else is easy but the hard part is when we really sit down and try to think about how we contributed to the problem in the first place and how we can solve the problem in the future.

Good luck Eeveryone,
Wickad

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 17

RE: RED Flags - 9/13/2007 2:22:28 PM

xoxi

Posts: 1066
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wickad

That being said, safe words are rarely called because things are going swell and the submissive involved has a premonition that things will suddenly go sour so decides to call the safe word to ensure that said 'bad thing' doesn't happen. Most of the time a safe word is called because something has already gone horribly wrong and the person in question needs to be taken out of the scene (and oftentimes out of the building - ie: hospital).

Which is why it's absolutely vital to always stop when the safe word is called. Even if you don't agree on a safe word if the person in question says "stop, safe word, seriously" you better stop.

I don't really see BoiJen's point. Since safe words are used after damage has been done that means you....should continue the damaging play and ignore the safe word? Obviously they aren't a cure-all for avoiding accidents and injury, but I don't think anyone would claim they are. Rather they are a way to break through the headspace involved in Topping that has been conditioned to ignore things like "stop, ouch, please don't, you're hurting me" and snap them out of it so that bad things are ended before they get worse.

(in reply to Wickad)

Post #: 18

RE: RED Flags - 9/13/2007 3:23:09 PM

Emperor1956

Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline

Man. I thought this thread was about menstruation play, and then I got into it and its really....NOT.

*GRIN*

E.

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to xoxi)

Post #: 19

RE: RED Flags - 9/13/2007 3:38:33 PM

MstrSkyWoIf

Posts: 238
Joined: 10/26/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Boeijen

you know you have found a bad submissive when they post shit like this
you know you have found a bad submissive when they think that calling safe word is magically gonna stop the damage rather than be damage control.

you know you have found a bad submissive when they can't spell the word submissive.

I think I've made my point.

I think you more shared your opinion then made a point, unless the point is a submissive opinion dose not matter. If that is the point you are trying to makes then I say your the type of bad Dom she is talking about.... But then it is only My opinion.

_____________________________

this is just my opinion, I do not claim to be an expert on life. I am just Me, Love me or Hate me I really don't care. I am the culmination of my life's experiences. I am an ever changing block of clay molded by life's experiences on a daily basis.

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 20

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