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[Poll]

Non-lifestyle fiction


Awesome
  23% (4)
good
  47% (8)
readable
  29% (5)
sucks
  0% (0)
absofuckinglutly horrible
  0% (0)
dont ever try to write again, you suck.
  0% (0)


Total Votes : 17
(last vote on : 8/29/2008 4:08:23 PM)
(Poll will run till: -- )
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Non-lifestyle fiction - 4/30/2008 8:37:19 PM   
Phin


Posts: 1802
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline 		The idea for a story hit me on the way home from work today, so I typed it out. I thought I would share it with my friends here.

The Knife

Just as I hear the door shut behind me I let out a quick laugh. The quirky little guy behind the counter had no Idea what he just sold me. I drop behind the wheel of my car and pull the Cold Steel Talwar Knife out of the bag. I look at the $10 price tag on the black pistol grip handle and laugh again. this is a $500 knife.

I snap the knife open. It was broken in nicely. The blade is a little dull but I have a great sharpener at home and a few minutes will take care of that. I slide my fingers into the grips, it fits my hand like it was made for it. My thumb rubs the titanium frame. Yes. I got my $10 worth.

I flip the blade closed and drop the knife on the seat between my legs. I start the car and back out of the spot. Yeah, the wife will probably kill me when I get home for even stopping at the pawn shop, but I think that she will get over it when I show her the knife online.

I pull out on the main road and turn the radio up a little. Good song. I come up to the first red light. This trip home will include every red light I am sure. I grab the knife and flip the blade open again. Damn I love this knife. The light turns green so I flip the knife closed, but I hold it in my hand. I take my right turn and head on up the road. Of course the next light is red too.

Out comes the blade again. I now see why this blade costs so much. Alright, green light. I flip the blade back closed. I start off. Now I am playing with the knife a little while I drive. Flip it open flip it closed. Open half way, close it. Hey, what do you know? I get to go through a green light.

The knife stays in my hand the blade continues to go into the handle and out again. Blade flips out about half way once more and the song on the radio flips to one that is complete crap. I reach over and flip the channel I find a good song on the third one. I look back through the windshield. "Oh, Shit!" I slam on the breaks, but I already know its too late to stop. My car slams into the back of the small pickup in front of me.

The burnt smell from the airbag is strong in the air. My head is leaning back on the headreast. I let it stay there as I assess the sensations in my body. There is a warm feeling in my lap, I assume that I pissed my pants, I heard that happens sometimes during trama. The paramedics have seen it before, I am sure they will see it again. My chest is numb, I assume that it is from the impact of the airbag. My head has a dull ache, but that is to be expected. My neck feels fine as it is. I try to relax and breath normaly.

There is a light wistling/gurgling sound coming from somewhere. Probably under the hood. I think that I will just sit and relax and wait for the paramedics. Someone will call 911.

Darkness creeps in around the corners of my eyes. I close them and shake it off. Where did that come from? I begin to notice that the gurgling sound is matching my breating. I try breathing deeply. The gurgling gets louder. The darkness again. I shake it off. I look down and the front of my shirt is covered in blood. the handle of my knife is half folded against my chest. I inhale and airbubbles form around the handle. I can see the white of the pricetag setting out against the black handle. It still says $10.

The darkness creeps back in. This time I cant shake it off. It sits like an aura around my vision. I blink my eyes, when they open there is more darkness. Now the darkness is moving to the center of my sight. My head is now looking down, I cant seem to raise my head back up. I am looking directly at the handle of knife. Amazingly the pricetag doesnt have a single drop of blood on it. I blink my eyes again and the darkness has almost completly taken over.

From somewhere far away I hear, "Hang on, help is coming." I open my mouth to speek, I cant seem to say anything. I see white tag again on the handle, and blink. This time the darkness has taken completly over.

< Message edited by Phin -- 4/30/2008 8:41:04 PM >

_____________________________

"Isn't wonderful when our bruises show what we hide in the back of our heads?"Fayetteville band, Nephilym

"He is my angel, my devil, my naughty boy, but above anything else my Master"My girl sin
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Non-lifestyle fiction - 4/30/2008 9:58:37 PM   
LadyRainfire


Posts: 6040
Joined: 2/20/2008
Status: offline 		Phin, this is a good short story. Have you thought about fleshing it out? Adding some more creep factor like is there an influencing factor that is working on the man from the knife? It sounds like there is even if it isn't mentioned (a spirit, a demon, a curse or whatever) or was he just obsessing on the knife, that sort of thing.

This reminded me of something I would have read in a collection of Sturgeon's works, or a horror anthology.

_____________________________

"Desire is an insatiable beast. Sample your strongest dreams, and you will only crave more." ~ Master

~ one half of "L&L"~

My current state of mind

(in reply to Phin)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Non-lifestyle fiction - 4/30/2008 10:35:18 PM   
DDraigeuraid


Posts: 321
Joined: 4/3/2008
Status: offline 		Phin, please don't take offense, but this seems like a candidate for the Darwin Awards.
Dragon

_____________________________

Meddle Not in the Affairs of Dragons
For you are Crunchy, and taste good Flame Broiled

(in reply to LadyRainfire)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Non-lifestyle fiction - 5/1/2008 12:12:15 AM   
JulieorSarah


Posts: 552
Joined: 8/25/2007
Status: offline 		Phin

There's more to be done here, but i like the attention to detail  the price tag having no blood ... i'm not sure of the term but it needs a secondary thread, maybe interlace it with the wife's thoughts, why she thinks he is late ... but the bones are good!

I like reading your stuff .. it's not easy to share one's writing ... at least i find it so

j

j

(in reply to DDraigeuraid)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Non-lifestyle fiction - 5/1/2008 3:12:24 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		Nice little vignette, Phin. It flowed well enough, and the film projector in my head clicked on while reading it. Look out for spelling, though.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to JulieorSarah)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Non-lifestyle fiction - 5/1/2008 5:13:02 AM   
Phin


Posts: 1802
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline 		Thanks for the feedback so far. I made this a poll so that those that surf and dont comment could vote as well.

LRF, the idea was to have him obsessing over the knife itself and a little moreso the deal that he got on it.

Dragon, please elaborate. were you talking about the story in general or the character? the "what an idiot" thought wasnt something I was trying to force, but it came out anyway.

JorS, the thought was to make the wife sort of an afterthought. The last thought before death was the knife.

Level, I was using wordpad to write this, and didnt think to do a spell check.



_____________________________

"Isn't wonderful when our bruises show what we hide in the back of our heads?"Fayetteville band, Nephilym

"He is my angel, my devil, my naughty boy, but above anything else my Master"My girl sin

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Non-lifestyle fiction - 5/1/2008 5:14:30 AM   
Phin


Posts: 1802
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline 		Story Update, took some advice ad make a couple revisions.

The Knife

Just as I hear the door shut behind me I let out a quick laugh. The quirky little guy behind the counter had no Idea what he just sold me. I am glad I left work a little early today. It must have been that "meant to be" crap the is always preached to me. I drop behind the wheel of my car and pull the Cold Steel Talwar Knife out of the bag. I look at the $10 price tag on the black pistol grip handle and laugh again. this is a $500 knife. I had seen the knife before, and wanted it, but I could not see forking out that much for it. Besides, the wife almost killed me when I forked out $20 for that Smith & Wesson knife.

I snap the knife open. It was broken in nicely. The blade is a little dull but I have a great sharpener at home and a few minutes will take care of that. I slide my fingers into the grips, it fits my hand like it was made for it. My thumb rubs the titanium frame. Yes. I got my $10 worth. The crackhead that sold it couldn't have gotten more than five bucks for it. What an idiot.

I flip the blade closed and drop the knife on the seat between my legs. I start the car and back out of the spot. Yeah, the wife will probably kill me when I get home for even stopping at the pawn shop. I still don't understand why she hates pawn shops so much. You get good deals there and you won't see junk like you do at a yard sale. I think that she will get over it when I show her the knife online.

I pull out on the main road and turn the radio up a little. Good song. I come up to the first red light. This trip home will include every red light I am sure. I grab the knife and flip the blade open again. Damn I love this knife. The light turns green so I flip the knife closed, but I hold it in my hand. I take my right turn and head on up the road. Of course the next light is red too.

Out comes the blade again. I now see why this blade costs so much. Alright, green light. I flip the blade back closed. I start off. Now I am playing with the knife a little while I drive. Flip it open flip it closed. Open half way, close it. Hey, what do you know? I get to go through a green light.

The knife stays in my hand the blade continues to go into the handle and out again. Blade flips out about half way once more and the song on the radio flips to one that is complete crap. I reach over and flip the channel I find a good song on the third one. I look back through the windshield. "Oh, Shit!" I slam on the breaks, but I already know its too late to stop. My car slams into the back of the small pickup in front of me.

The burnt smell from the airbag is strong in the air. My head is leaning back on the headrest. I let it stay there as I assess the sensations in my body. There is a warm feeling in my lap, I assume that I pissed my pants, I heard that happens sometimes during trauma. The paramedics have seen it before, I am sure they will see it again. My chest is numb, I assume that it is from the impact of the airbag. My head has a dull ache, but that is to be expected. My neck feels fine as it is. I try to relax and breath normally.

There is a light whistling/gurgling sound coming from somewhere. Probably under the hood. I think that I will just sit and relax and wait for the paramedics. Someone will call 911.

Darkness creeps in around the corners of my eyes. I close them and shake it off. Where did that come from? I begin to notice that the gurgling sound is matching my breathing. I try breathing deeply. The gurgling gets louder. The darkness again. I shake it off. I look down and the front of my shirt is covered in blood. the handle of my knife is half folded against my chest. I inhale and airbubbles form around the handle. I can see the white of the pricetag setting out against the black handle. It still says $10.

The darkness creeps back in. This time I can't shake it off. It sits like an aura around my vision. I blink my eyes, when they open there is more darkness. Now the darkness is moving to the center of my sight. My head is now looking down, I can't seem to raise my head back up. I am looking directly at the handle of knife. Amazingly the pricetag doesn't have a single drop of blood on it. I blink my eyes again and the darkness has almost completely taken over.

From somewhere far away I hear, "Hang on, help is coming." I open my mouth to speak, I can't seem to say anything. I see white tag again on the handle, and blink. This time the darkness has taken completely over.

_____________________________

"Isn't wonderful when our bruises show what we hide in the back of our heads?"Fayetteville band, Nephilym

"He is my angel, my devil, my naughty boy, but above anything else my Master"My girl sin

(in reply to Phin)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Non-lifestyle fiction - 5/1/2008 5:59:05 AM   
Asherdelampyr


Posts: 9556
Joined: 11/14/2006
From: The Desert
Status: offline 		For some reason my post didnt stick > <

I liked the second one better, though I thought the first one was very good too


_____________________________

Pirate King,

The nicest man you'll ever bleed for

Posting Help

Vitam Piratae Eligo

The Rainmaker

(in reply to Phin)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Non-lifestyle fiction - 5/1/2008 6:01:50 AM   
Phin


Posts: 1802
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline 		I got good constructive critisizm. that is why I posted it here as opposed to another forum I am on that I know the responces would have been "that sucks" or "its good"

_____________________________

"Isn't wonderful when our bruises show what we hide in the back of our heads?"Fayetteville band, Nephilym

"He is my angel, my devil, my naughty boy, but above anything else my Master"My girl sin

(in reply to Asherdelampyr)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Non-lifestyle fiction - 5/1/2008 6:04:52 AM   
Asherdelampyr


Posts: 9556
Joined: 11/14/2006
From: The Desert
Status: offline 		in that case... this line was my personal favorite

Amazingly the pricetag doesn't have a single drop of blood on it.


_____________________________

Pirate King,

The nicest man you'll ever bleed for

Posting Help

Vitam Piratae Eligo

The Rainmaker

(in reply to Phin)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Non-lifestyle fiction - 5/1/2008 6:07:48 AM   
Phin


Posts: 1802
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline 		yeah I typed it without thinking, reread it and thought, Wow, that is slightly King-ish... I wasnt going for supernatural, just obsesion/stupidity.

_____________________________

"Isn't wonderful when our bruises show what we hide in the back of our heads?"Fayetteville band, Nephilym

"He is my angel, my devil, my naughty boy, but above anything else my Master"My girl sin

(in reply to Asherdelampyr)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Non-lifestyle fiction - 5/1/2008 3:00:35 PM   
Lumus


Posts: 5968
Joined: 9/16/2007
Status: offline 		I don't critique other people's work often for the fact that I'm often pretty harsh on myself during my own edit process, and have been told that I'm almost as bad on others. 

However, given that I'm planning to start writing and posting stories regularly in the near future [I have one project on hold for the time being; I promised to write my son another book for his birthday, which is only seven weeks away], if I expect any type of constructive criticism I should offer some...

I liked the premise of your story, Phin.  I read through both versions to compare and contrast.  The inner monologue had its strengths and weaknesses; you had a good grip on the "fuzzy jumping" we all do in our minds from time to time - "I got my $10 worth...the wife will probably kill me...Good song...", however the tense kept changing - "I snap the knife open.  It was broken in nicely.".  Using "snapped" with "was", or "snap" with "It is" or "It's" can create a stronger continuity.

One little trick I'd encourage you to use for future writing [this is something I had to work at, myself] is the repetitive use of the same personage.  For example, you use "I" in the original version 58 times; 63 in the second.  To avoid the repetition, sometimes it helps to either use another term [does the person think in the third person] or to restructure the sentence without dilution.  For example, in the first paragraph the story opens as, "Just as I hear the door shut behind me I let out a quick laugh.".  By restructuring the sentence like so:  "As the door slammed shut behind me, a small, feral laugh slipped through my lips." you avoid overuse of "I", replacing it with two variants, "me" and "my".

You have a good sense of descriptive visuals:  "My thumb rubs the titanium frame."; "The burnt smell from the airbag"; "Darkness creeps in around the corners of my eyes."; and so on.  Some of the best descriptors are short.  They should be interlaced with the rest of the story, so as to not detract from what's going on [read Tolkien's description of rolling hills; the man could fill three pages on bumpy dirt - it's my only bitch about his writing style].  A good rule of thumb is to spend at least twice as long on the storyline between descriptors to prevent overuse; you ran into that a time or two, so I thought I'd throw that out as food for thought.

Overall, I enjoyed your story.  It was straight, clean, visceral like - hmm - a knife.   A bit of spit and polish might give it more life.  Anything you find you don't like this time around, tuck it away as a mental note for the next story; that's the best way to build, develop and grow your own style.  Doing another?   Drop me a cmail if ya do.





_____________________________

<Talk to educate; listen to learn.>

~ the other half of "L&L" ~

I have been dubbed the Rainmaker. Do not make me take your water for my tribe.

(in reply to Phin)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Non-lifestyle fiction - 5/1/2008 5:10:00 PM   
Phin


Posts: 1802
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline 		thanks Lumus, I will make some tweeks tomorrow, little tired now...



_____________________________

"Isn't wonderful when our bruises show what we hide in the back of our heads?"Fayetteville band, Nephilym

"He is my angel, my devil, my naughty boy, but above anything else my Master"My girl sin

(in reply to Lumus)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Non-lifestyle fiction - 5/2/2008 9:15:53 PM   
stormgirl


Posts: 294
Joined: 1/17/2007
From: tennessee
Status: offline 		are you sure he died?  i was hoping he didnt . .  good story to engage me like that!

_____________________________

pride and elan

If you start your day with a fresh cup of crazy and some arrogance on the side, good job!
indecent yet sorta cool


(in reply to Phin)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Non-lifestyle fiction - 5/3/2008 4:52:57 AM   
Phin


Posts: 1802
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline 		thank you storm, but yeah I am pretty sure he isnt going to make it. sucking chest wounds and massive blood loss are pretty bad...

_____________________________

"Isn't wonderful when our bruises show what we hide in the back of our heads?"Fayetteville band, Nephilym

"He is my angel, my devil, my naughty boy, but above anything else my Master"My girl sin

(in reply to stormgirl)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Non-lifestyle fiction - 5/3/2008 4:54:05 AM   
Asherdelampyr


Posts: 9556
Joined: 11/14/2006
From: The Desert
Status: offline 		So when do we get another one?

_____________________________

Pirate King,

The nicest man you'll ever bleed for

Posting Help

Vitam Piratae Eligo

The Rainmaker

(in reply to Phin)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Non-lifestyle fiction - 5/3/2008 4:56:26 AM   
Phin


Posts: 1802
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline 		when a good idea hits me, I have two laying around I could post, but rereading one, it is really bad, and the other bares too much of my soul to post on a public forum

_____________________________

"Isn't wonderful when our bruises show what we hide in the back of our heads?"Fayetteville band, Nephilym

"He is my angel, my devil, my naughty boy, but above anything else my Master"My girl sin

(in reply to Asherdelampyr)
Profile   Post #: 17
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