RE: too specific and unrealistic?

RE: too specific and unrealistic? (Full Version)

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dreamerdreaming -> RE: too specific and unrealistic? (2/12/2010 2:08:47 PM)
Thank you for your well thought out additional post, OP. It helps me get a much better feel for you. Your OP comes off sounding a lot more needy and immature (than you do in your long post above) even as you came asking for help. I think there are a number other kinky Christian sites. Taken In Hand is just the only one I know by name. If I were you, I'd search them out and start there. IMO that's where you'd have the highest likelihood of finding another newbie who has the same sort of values and is compatible with you both in and out of the bedroom. I also agree with AquaticSub, that going on vanilla Christian dating sites and then just being very candid, may yield good results. If it were me, I'd do both. Explore, and have FUN!

Viridana -> RE: too specific and unrealistic? (2/12/2010 4:49:32 PM)
FR I've found that when I my expectations too high and the bar raised high up, I'm setting myself up for disappointment. Not that you shouldn't have any expectations at all or throw the bar into the next pit.... just don't set yourself up for definite failure. Often our fantasies and expectations are way better in our heads than in actual reality anyways. Sometimes it is just nice to let go, and enjoy wherever life, and the people you randomly meet, take you, especially when you're still young. I think it's all about finding a person you click with, one that can make you laugh when you're down or talk to about anything and everything hours on end. Someone that makes you feel like you're home wherever you are in the world. And when you find that someone, I honestly think issues like previous sexual partners, previous casual sexual behaviour or even religion will become trivial things ,or at least issues that can be stepped over. My fiancee is nothing, and I mean n-o-t-h-i-n-g like my original list of qualifications and specifications for a spouse. I opened my mind to "an adventure" of sorts and in the process grew and blossomed. He was btw. never going to get married and neither was I but yet we, after an "adventurous spur" decided that we're gonna tie the knot, possibly next year. It's amazing where life can take you good luck

AquaticSub -> RE: too specific and unrealistic? (2/12/2010 5:29:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetobedience1 AquaticSub, I like this... "I'd also make profiles on the dating sites specifically aimed at religious folks. Then just bite the bullet and put on your profile "I want a guy who is willing to explore this with me!"." Thanks! No problem. I do want you to be aware that what you are looking for you may not be able to effectively find in someone without some experience behind them. By that I mean someone you get along with, have mutual life goals, live in a close distance/are relocatable, etc. You may have to come to terms with someone having had sexual partners or not having as much of an interest in BDSM as you would like. The reason I want to warn you of this is because, to put it simply, many people don't find this sort of thing until they have searched, sampled and experienced. Many others love the fanasty and then, when they have the reality, they realize they don't actually want it. I'm not saying that to discourage you but to supply you with more information so that you can better determine what you want to look for and how to search.

LafayetteLady -> RE: too specific and unrealistic? (2/12/2010 5:33:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetobedience1 Yes, to some people I may not look wholesome or what my interpretation of wholesome may be. I'm a teacher, and I just know that I get comments day in and day out about how sweet and young I look. I also am fairly conservative in my dress. Since I decided to not add a picture I did want to put a comment about my general looks. Perhaps it isn't a good word choice. I don't want the man I'm looking for to meet people online for sex. It's huge for me to have someone who doesn't participate in casual sex. Since I've joined, I've gotten emails from several men wanting to play right away or to train me. I want to find someone who is actively looking to be married sometime in the not so distant future and who keeps that in mind when searching for someone. People can lie, yes. My last boyfriend was Muslim, very dominant but not sexual with me, and slept around with a lot of other girls while we were together. I was very patient because I loved everything else about him (even his farting and endearing lack of social skills). He wouldn't explain to me why he could easily have sex with other girls except for me other than his "love (for me) got in the way." We broke up because of that after a few chances of him promising he had stopped. It was unsafe, and I couldn't trust him. He believed it was his right as a man; I disagreed. My only other long-term relationship was with a man who was Catholic, a virgin, and very interested in kink, but who was a weak man in other areas, imo. He hated making decisions. That annoyed me, but we worked out until after college. He left me because the pressures of getting a job and having someone rely on him to meet her halfway (I was working; he was sitting at home doing noting) was too much for him. There are people all in the middle, and I need to be open to them. I date a fair amount, go to church, and am in a couple of young adult Christian groups. I'm taking ice skating and acting lessons for fun and to meet friends. I've been taking GRE study courses and hope to go back to college for my Master's soon. People at my school set me up a lot. I'm on other dating sites besides this one. I do like Taken in Hand from what I read about it last night. I am looking for a future HoH. I also feel I've said "makes me a better person" in the wrong way. I mean encourages me and themselves to grow and be better people. I want someone who likes to learn and try new things. I'm active and like to try new activities or keep up with old ones. I'd like to be with someone who is at least open to also doing that. I also try to do what I consider to be the right thing and would like to be with someone whose advice I would seek, just as I hope I find someone who is fairly in tune with my own thought patterns and general moral compass. If they are not, imo, a pretty good person and are continually making decisions I really disagree with, I don't think I could respect them very much as a mate or Dom. And by those decisions, I mean moral decisions not which brand of cat litter to buy or music to play. :) All of this is entirely subjective to what I and the person in question consider the right thing to do. A strong want for me is for them to believe in God. Going to church isn't a main priority, especially since I have dated several Muslim men, too. :) As dreamerdreaming said, this second post paints and entirely different picture of you than your first. A much more pleasant and hopeful picture I might add. I think most young women have some "ideal" in their head, right down to hair and eye color. If you talk to a lot of them 10 years later and ask them if their now mate matched that "ideal" the answer would be a laughing "no." It is quite logical for you or anyone else to seek someone who has a similar moral compass. After all, that is the base line for compatibility. I will say that I think your dating Muslim men is because typically, they have that "man is in charge" attitude, much like the one you say you dated who thought it was his "right" to sleep around. Given the additional information you gave, my best advice to you would be to stop looking. Seriously. The harder you look for something, the more difficult it can be to find it. It certainly sounds as though you could be out on a date every night of the week with someone new with all the people setting you up! So maybe instead of looking at each date and wondering "does he measure up?" Relax and have some fun. Go visit the other websites and see what you find there. And I stand by what I said earlier about your "likes" list here. Until you have actually experienced something, you don't know if you realy "live for" it. So many things seem so much better in our heads than in reality. Put them in the "curious about" section and read and learn some more about the things you are looking at. Trust me, there will be no shortage of men who will see your "curious about" list and be happy to talk to you about them, but another big thing is that I get the impression you are not planning on partaking in the majority of these activities until you find someone and are engaged to be married, so you want to be very clear about that. I wish you luck. Just remember, you are only 24 and there is no need to rush and find a husband. You will find him, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy yourself a long the way.

juliaoceania -> RE: too specific and unrealistic? (2/12/2010 8:27:53 PM)
fast reply... I am going to amend my previous statements on this thread because there is one aspect of what the OP did that is right on in helping her find what she wants, and that is she defined it... There is a difference between expecting another person to conform to our expectations and defining what we really want. I think that the first key to getting what I want is to define it. At the same time I think that if a desire makes a person "desperate" feeling, then it has crossed over from knowing what you want, to becoming a source of angst and unhappiness... such as what the OP stated herself... So upon reflection I would like to amend my earlier input on this thread and give the OP some advice that has helped me along the way... Because although I have not yet gotten everything I want, I feel well on the road to doing so, and most importantly I am pretty happy with the way things are these days... it was not always the case for me. Here is my advice: 1) Define what it is you want, write that laundry list, include everything your little heart desires... 2) Work on becoming either a) becoming like the person you want on that list when applicable or b)being attractive to that person by self improvement. In other words, be the kind of person you would like to be with 3) After the list is written, stick it away in a drawer or on a file in your computer and forget about it being there for a while. 4) Go off and live life and do the things that will make you the type of person you would want to be with 5) Date those people that you think you might enjoy just hanging out with, make friends, do stuff, you know, LIVE 6) When you find someone that you LIKE, pull out that list you stuck away and compare them to all the attributes you wanted in a mate. 7) If they match 80% of what you wrote, keep 'em (excluding deal breakers, such as satan worshipping and drug dealing). 8) Write me an email and let me know it worked for you, and then offer this advice to others seeking it[:D] I think often in this world what we yearn for, the thing that seems just out of reach, well it stays that way because we are too anxious to see it happen... you know, a watched pot never boils. I wish you luck

sweetobedience1 -> RE: too specific and unrealistic? (2/12/2010 8:31:01 PM)
Thank you AquaticSub and LafayetteLady. :) I decided to take most of my kink preferences off my profile. I left a couple but just so someone can get a very general sense of what I'm looking for.

cloudboy -> RE: too specific and unrealistic? (2/13/2010 3:20:37 PM)
Its helpful to like and want to spend quality time with men (plural) as opposed to fantasizing about "the one." After you do this and get experience (meeting and spending time with men, not necessarily in the sack), you will have a better judgment about yourself, others, and your own relationship goals. You will also have created for yourself a small bookshelf of good, valuable experiences --- as opposed to "holding out" and stagnating. The world is a big place, there's no need to be claustrophobic in your approach.

lally2 -> RE: too specific and unrealistic? (2/14/2010 2:16:51 PM)
i took a peek at Taken in Hand and i have to tell ya' seemed like an awful lot of fantasists yapping away about hating to be spanked and their husbands hating to spank them - and yet they talked about nothing else. [8\|] OP fantasy and reality are two different things. dreaming about the perfect guy is fine, ive done a certain amount of that, but in the long run its just going to make you more frustrated and its going to get in the way of meeting someone really special. that special guy may not be dashing or 'innocent' with regards to BDSM, but he could be just exactly the kind of guy you could fall completely in love with. youre setting the bar too high for youreself and youll end up wasting years waiting for him to come along. who knows, he may be around the corner, but he may not be exactly as you dreamed him up to be. theres nothing wrong in having the ideal in youre head, but there is something wrong in believing that this fantasy man is real and that he will sweep you off youre feet in the way youre day dreams wish him to. keep an open mind and get out more.

SireChaos -> RE: too specific and unrealistic? (2/14/2010 3:39:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetobedience1 I don't think I could take being with someone who has had many sexual partners...(I've tried that, and I had a miserable time trying to put his past experiences out of my head). However, as wholesome as I want this man to be, I crave the D/s dynamic and, in time, would want him to be very dominant in bed, as well. I need to be in love with someone to be sexual and want to find someone who feels the same way. Sounds like you have some major insecurities... Wanting someone who is not bringing any kind of infectious disease, sure, that is important... however the fact it gets to your head, shows you are worried that you won't be the one he thinks about, wants to be with physically, etc... I have been with women from all parts of the 'experience' field, and never have i ever had an issue... because, I know I am the best they ever had... because they tell me, even years later...

Rasputinx2000 -> RE: too specific and unrealistic? (2/14/2010 5:00:54 PM)
Hi, As is usual, you're more likely to get what yo want if you tell him. I'd be prepared to give up a bit, people are all different and if he meets your most critical points, don't fret about the shortcomings. I'd suggest someone a bit older, so he was more secure. Then he's more likely to dominate you completely. Jeff

HisFlame -> RE: too specific and unrealistic? (2/14/2010 5:04:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SireChaos quote: ORIGINAL: sweetobedience1 I don't think I could take being with someone who has had many sexual partners...(I've tried that, and I had a miserable time trying to put his past experiences out of my head). However, as wholesome as I want this man to be, I crave the D/s dynamic and, in time, would want him to be very dominant in bed, as well. I need to be in love with someone to be sexual and want to find someone who feels the same way. Sounds like you have some major insecurities... Wanting someone who is not bringing any kind of infectious disease, sure, that is important... however the fact it gets to your head, shows you are worried that you won't be the one he thinks about, wants to be with physically, etc... I have been with women from all parts of the 'experience' field, and never have i ever had an issue... because, I know I am the best they ever had... because they tell me, even years later... It is also important to understand the source of those insecurities. Is she insecure because her partner compared her to his previous ones and made her feel inadequate, or did he neglect her while telling her stories about his ex and how he did things with them, for them and to them. If that is the case, it's on her partner and it would be reasonable for her to have hard time with it. However, if that is not the case, and the guys treats her wonderfully and takes care of her needs, physical and emotional and goes out of his way to make her feel loved and wanted and appreciated and reassured that she is what he wants and needs and is enough for him, and she is still insecure about his past, then it is something that she needs to work on herself instead of punishing the guy for having a past.

AquaticSub -> RE: too specific and unrealistic? (2/14/2010 7:41:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rasputinx2000 I'd suggest someone a bit older, so he was more secure. Then he's more likely to dominate you completely. Jeff Interesting point of view. I can't say I agree with that particular advice. I've never found older dominants to be universally more secure and dominating.

LafayetteLady -> RE: too specific and unrealistic? (2/14/2010 11:14:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetobedience1 Thank you AquaticSub and LafayetteLady. :) I decided to take most of my kink preferences off my profile. I left a couple but just so someone can get a very general sense of what I'm looking for. I think that is a great idea. The trick is to get people to respond to your profile, and then want them to get to know you. As some others have said, think about the things that are most important to you. Whether it be someone close in age to you (which since you are considering marriage, and I assume children, I think more than 10 years older than you would be a conflict at some point for what you want), intelligence, sense of humor, etc. Make that list and then decide what you might be "negotiable" on. I had a friend who I met when she was just 22. She had a very determined idea of what she wanted in a husband and literally no experience with men at all. She did turn down dates with many men because they had "something" that she didn't like, whether it be a beard (she hates facial hair), a little bit of a belly, not substantial things like they weren't intelligent, were a drunk or anything like that. I kept telling her to date some guys just for fun. She would learn somethings that she didn't know she liked and find some things that she thought she wanted that she didn't like at all. Slowly, she began to date a wider variety of men. She will turn 36 this year and this September, she is going to be married. The man she is marrying is not much like the "prince" she dreamed of. But he is a wonderfully intelligent, funny man who adores her and I've never seen her happier. He is a perfect match for her (she can be difficult at times, lol). But it did take her quite a while to find the right "one." Patience paid off and believe me there were plenty of times she thought she was never going to find that guy she could love forever. It will happen. There is a big difference between "settling" and "adjusting" what you want.

FetishRose -> RE: too specific and unrealistic? (2/15/2010 2:25:39 PM)
So...what happens if you find this guy that's supposedly everything you ever wanted and you don't like him? Believe me, it happens. There is so much more to a person than the things you see as so essential. He could be boring, he could be kinda icky, you don't know. No thanks; been there, done that, learned and moved on. I'd say find one or two things that are completely essential to you, and then take a step back and look at yourself. You seem to be very picky, which makes me think you aren't going to be a person who can be very happy. That's something you should work on. Also, issues regarding yourself, like how YOU are bothered by someone's sexual past...that seems to me just setting yourself up to be jealous and hurt a relationship. If religion is super important to you, cling to that. If you really want dominance, there ya go. Seeking a passionate Christian dominant male. Much easier. Having simpler "requirements" makes it much easier to meet people and weed out what you don't like and what you do...you may end up surprised!

CelticNightmare -> RE: too specific and unrealistic? (2/16/2010 5:30:01 PM)
Op....why not? I see a lot of other women posting "shopping lists" in thier profiles. I also see them whining about "all of the fakes who keep hitting on me" in thier journals too. Might there be some possibility of the two being linked?

Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: too specific and unrealistic? (2/17/2010 1:09:12 AM)
I want a Rich woman with poor Judgement skills, that truely enjoys trashy novels and reading poetry along side the fireplace. She loves Cheap wine and expensive Champaign. Her exterior is Dark and Gothic, while underneath she's really a Barbie girl. She knows how to hold a whip firmly in her hand and even better between her teeth, however in reality she's clueless as to how to truely use it. She smiles with Joy when I bring her roses and bleeds every time she holds them close to her precious heart. She's not been with too many guys, nor too few, it's so cute to watch her try to count using her fingers and toes. Hearing her call every guy she's ever been with a little piggy. Her idea of a push up bra is one for doing excerises in. She turns to me constantly looking for wisdom and knowledge, such as what do the letters stand for on a wall mounted plaque that clearly reads "OBEY". She's practical without fault, she's extremely awesome at multitasking, doing her nails while she's bent over, fucked, flogged and beaten from behind. I want a girl in short skirt and a long jacket.. (don't know why but that song just popped into my mind).

xssve -> RE: too specific and unrealistic? (2/17/2010 7:23:54 AM)
First off, realize you are playing with fire, some people let a little power go straight to their heads - otherwise, all men are more or less equipped with testicles, which express testosterone, and women have ways of either raising or lowering testosterone in males though social interaction - in this sense, any man is capable of dominating, so are most women, it's just that by the time we're adults we have usually settled into and adapted to a relatively comfortable set of expectations, and these can be hard to alter, once they've been internalized into identity. Since your fantasy is pretty much frame d in Christian terms, I suggest looking or a Christian website, like Taken in Hand - this may take some of the spontaneity out of it for you, but it's kind a of a detailed script, and although I don't think it's unrealistic, in either a Christian or BDSM context, it's going to depend entirely on who you pick, and what their cultural training is - a Quiverful Baptist for instance is going to want you to have like 20 kids, so if that's not part of your fantasy, don't go looking in that neck of the woods. In short, there is no harm in asking what his concept of marriage is, maybe look at his parents, family, and other social influences, including his church, i.e. - most people, especially Christians are very obsessed with modeling, and tend to consciously model on their parents, and they all in turn tend to cue off of their congregation's views, often as articulated by their pastor, priest, or whatever equivalent. In my experience, some of your fringier sects tend to be kinkier, Jehovah's Witnesses, Seventh Day Adventists, etc., but this can be very dependent on the specific congregation in question, there tends to be less centralized authority involved, and the kinkier they are, the less likely they will be to discuss it with a stranger. A lot of Baptists around here, and for whatever reason, the women are pretty masculinized from my perspective, compared to other places Ive been, although that may also have to do with it being a working class, oilfield town, i.e, it's just the demographic. Anyway, Taken in Hand might be able to point you in the right direction, and this is where you're most likely to encounter the sort of values you've described.

Andalusite -> RE: too specific and unrealistic? (2/17/2010 6:08:30 PM)
You might want to try this Yahoo group: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/SingleChristiansSeekingBDSMSpouse2/ I'm not sure how active it currently is, and I didn't have much luck with it back when I was looking (fair amount of traffic, but nobody local, which was important to me. I know there are several other kinky Christians and Jewish people here, though most of the ones I know are already involved. Actually, I agree with Rasputin that you might want to consider older men, though for different reasons. That would extend your options to men who do have a lot of experience, but with only one woman, if they were previously married and are now divorced or widowers. Obviously, if you aren't attracted to that individual man it won't work out, but it's fine to keep your options open.

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