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RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/13/2010 9:14:42 AM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
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I imagine I could bottom, but I don't have it in me to submit as I define it.

I have a very real and visceral reaction to that. I find the thought unpleasant.

I would forgo the dynamic or kink before that.

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 21

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/13/2010 9:49:18 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

I imagine I could bottom, but I don't have it in me to submit as I define it.

I have a very real and visceral reaction to that. I find the thought unpleasant.

I would forgo the dynamic or kink before that.

Some of us are just not wired for it. Bottoming for stuff you like is actually fun---I love being a rope bottom. But heaven help the schmuck who tries any funny business while I'm tied! I've had folks try to be all domly and I actually have not even NOTICED. Not everyone is a switch.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to Jeffff)

Post #: 22

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/13/2010 9:50:58 AM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
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I'm sorry, jazz is a deal-breaker. Do not expect me to provide jazz.

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

For s-types: Is there a minimum you expect from the dominant in your relationship as far as non-vanilla based interactions such as protocol, play, punishment, bdsm and all that jazz?

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 23

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/13/2010 9:55:46 AM

Daddysredhead

Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

I'm sorry, jazz is a deal-breaker. Do not expect me to provide jazz.

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

For s-types: Is there a minimum you expect from the dominant in your relationship as far as non-vanilla based interactions such as protocol, play, punishment, bdsm and all that jazz?

OMG, in all these years, I never knew LAM was completely insane. Today is a very sad day for me.

Signed,

JazzLoverExtraordinaireRed

_____________________________

Founding Member, Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's

Do not challenge me to a battle of wits & come to fight unarmed.

Are you really that stupid? ~ Bless your heart

13th doughnut

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 24

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/13/2010 9:55:48 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

I'm sorry, jazz is a deal-breaker. Do not expect me to provide jazz.

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

For s-types: Is there a minimum you expect from the dominant in your relationship as far as non-vanilla based interactions such as protocol, play, punishment, bdsm and all that jazz?

Not even bebop?

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 25

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/13/2010 9:57:13 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I've said it many times on these boards. I would make a terrible submissive. I've seen the job, and trust Me. I don't want it.

I can and happily do vanilla. To this point in My experience, I would rather do that that be on the other side of the whip in a dynamic. I won't say 'never' because I do know people who have switched sides specifically to be with one particular person. In My case, I just don't see that happening.

As far as bottoming goes, I think I know all of five people on the planet that I would even consider it. I happen to think I'd be pretty lousy doing that, too.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 26

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/13/2010 10:45:29 AM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
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Make that 6

And don't sell yourself short.....

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(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 27

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/13/2010 12:00:43 PM

ScatteredRose

Posts: 171
Joined: 3/9/2010
From: New Orleans
Status: offline

For me there has to be a balance. I am happy with my relationship with my Sir. In both the BDSM and vanilla aspects. I feel for a M/s hell, even a D/s relationship to work, you need to have that balance. Granted, being a slave is a full time thing. But there are those moments you need to get out of a slave mindset. To be yourself.

Humans wear many masks, because the world's a stage and we are all just players. We all have various roles we have to be to exist. Some are mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, bosses, employees, daughters, sons, aunts, uncles, friend, enemy.

The protocol with Sir is Medium if I have to choose a range. When we're at a party, I am full on High protocol. At home, I'm medium to low. In public, vanilla settings is low. In front of my coworkers and parents though, there is extremely low protocol. Not because I'm embarrassed, but because of just how our dynamic is.

That's the main thing. My expectations have always been this: find someone compatible with me in so many ways so I know when to be what.
Not because I'm stupid or need someone to tell me who I am, but because of I'm not complete. Not without my Sir.

Sir has told me BDSM is much like Yin and Yang. Yang has a little Yin while Yin has a little Yang. But they come together full circle to be whole. Yang needs that Yin much like Yin needs Yang. That's what D/s M/s is. As much as we look at ourselves and put a label, we need that other person equally. How we express our love is what makes us apart of this community I guess :)

I ranted a bit, but I felt like that was what my expectations are. To find my Yang. To connect, and to be able to be who I am.
Freedom through bondage :3

(in reply to Jeffff)

Post #: 28

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/13/2010 2:50:00 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

I'm sorry, jazz is a deal-breaker. Do not expect me to provide jazz.

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

For s-types: Is there a minimum you expect from the dominant in your relationship as far as non-vanilla based interactions such as protocol, play, punishment, bdsm and all that jazz?

Blues then?

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 29

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/13/2010 2:51:17 PM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
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Whatever LP likes.

I am a giver!

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 30

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/13/2010 2:52:12 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

........

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Jeffff)

Post #: 31

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/13/2010 4:39:22 PM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3
.

For s-types: Is there a minimum you expect from the dominant in your relationship as far as non-vanilla based interactions such as protocol, play, punishment, bdsm and all that jazz? Assume that you and he/she are compatible and fantastic, you want to follow him/her until the end of time, off a cliff if necessary (that's sarcasm). What about the other stuff? What is your expectation there? What do you do when your expectation isn't being met?

For everyone, if that type of interaction ended in your relationship would it be a deal-breaker in a relationship that is otherwise satisfying and fulfilling? (that's not from the other thread, I just found the question interesting)

i wasnt sure how to answer this at first. but ill have a shot.

ive been in relationships where there was a great deal of protocol and it was possible for me to function very well under that. in a way i didnt have to think about anything, it had all been thought out for me. all i had to do was follow the rules, keep to the protocol and all was ok. if something was a bit pride-denting id struggle, but i enjoyed the struggle in my efforts to obey and please.

but now im in a different sort of set up. He's said there will be no rules and no protocol. there is just a basic concept and understanding that i am His sub and He is my Dom and that is all there is.

i think i needed the rules and the parameters before or i would have lost my way. but now not so much. if i do i can turn to Him, otherwise all that i have learnt about myself and my submissive side governs my responses conciously and subconciously.

now im not sure if thats not too much freedom yet. if its going to be a case of a horse used to being corralled, staying in the yard for a while before realising theres nothing to stop it from taking off. i would imagine that depends on how bonded you feel to who youre with.

if Ds was taken away completely i would miss it. im not even sure i could function as a vanilla anyway, im not even sure if i ever really have functioned as a vanilla. its not the rules and protocol that make me want to stick around or focus on who im with, its who im with that makes me want to stick around and if youre basically sub and He's basically Dom how would the dynamic stop anyway. even if you strip away the rules and protocol youre still left with two people who are intrinsically who they are.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 32

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/13/2010 8:32:35 PM

MasterMagnus321

Posts: 86
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline

My expectations are that my dominant nature and the need to exert it will co-exist naturally with her need to manifest her submissiveness; how said objectives are achieved become specific procedures, and as long as the dynamic is mutaully fufilling, the specifics you mention are best approached with an open mind, respectively from the perspective of dominant responsibility and submissive willingness. That is the vague, politically correct answer; another quicker, more honest answer is that I am a DICTATOR. End of story.

_____________________________

Nothing lasts, and yet nothing passes, either.
And nothing passes just because nothing lasts.
-Philip Roth

~MASTERMAGNUS

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 33

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/13/2010 11:29:34 PM

gungadin09

Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
Status: offline

For a while now i've looked for a person with honesty and integrity; someone who's hard working, intelligent, intraverted, and compassionate, and whose personality clicks with mine. If i ever find such a person, i'll take them, regardless of their kink. i'm not holding my breath. i have the feeling i would be more likely to win the lottery.

i would expect to be given the freedom to be completely honest. i have a few hard limits which i expect to be honored. Other than that, i have no minimum requirements.

pam

< Message edited by gungadin09 -- 8/14/2010 12:11:35 AM >

(in reply to MasterMagnus321)

Post #: 34

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/14/2010 7:55:09 AM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: laurell3

For s-types: Is there a minimum you expect from the dominant in your relationship as far as non-vanilla based interactions such as protocol, play, punishment, bdsm and all that jazz?

No minimum expectations here. While I love the bdsm activities, it's the man and his character/moral code that I fell in love with. As long as he remained in authority over me, my world is peaceful.

quote:

Assume that you and he/she are compatible and fantastic, you want to follow him/her until the end of time, off a cliff if necessary (that's sarcasm). What about the other stuff? What is your expectation there? What do you do when your expectation isn't being met?

What "other stuff?" (Not meant to be rude, just not understanding).

When either of us is dissatisfied for any reason, we talk about it. This would include "other stuff", and bdsm'y stuff, and, well, all the stuff. LOL. We are pretty dang open and honest with each other, with our concerns as well as with the good stuff.

quote:

For everyone, if that type of interaction ended in your relationship would it be a deal-breaker in a relationship that is otherwise satisfying and fulfilling? (that's not from the other thread, I just found the question interesting)

If the bdsm'y stuff ended it would be disappointing, but not a deal breaker. If it ended, I'd imagine there was an underlying reason for it, and that's where my concern would lie - is he mentally/physically OK? Can we resolve whatever that issue is?

As to mstrjx's question:

quote:

Using some of your words, 'Assume that you and he/she are compatible and fantastic, you want to follow him/her until the end of time' would you change your orientation to meet your partner's needs? The throwaway answer 'if he/she isn't wired oppositely from me, then they wouldn't be compatible anyway' is not adequate, I feel.

You can feel the "throwaway answer" isn't adequate, but it might be adequate for the person stating it

However, If his needs were that I needed to dominate him and he submit to me, then I'd say we weren't "compatible and fantastic." In fact, I'd say we had some very serious differences. If it were something he needed for the long haul, I don't think I could do it and be fulfilled in the relationship. I do have some friends who swapped roles for a period of time - it was his decision to do so, and a need of his at the time, for personal reasons. It was a temporary situation for a specific period of time, and it did some amazing things for their relationship.

Of course, my own says there's "no fucking way" he would do that in our relationship, so I'm pretty sure it's a non-issue for us.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 35

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/14/2010 8:44:07 AM

leadership527

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Joined: 6/2/2008
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Not to derail this thread any Nueva, but I just love reading your posts about this [somewhat] new relationship of yours. I oft-times find myself nodding and thinking "yes, that!"

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 36

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/14/2010 9:06:33 AM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Not to derail this thread any Nueva, but I just love reading your posts about this [somewhat] new relationship of yours. I oft-times find myself nodding and thinking "yes, that!"

Thanks, Jeff. I'm having the time of my life. The relationship is just over a year old, so I consider it [somewhat] new, too, lol.

And I find myself relating to a lot of what you're writing these days, too.

And now, on with the show...

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 37

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/14/2010 9:29:49 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

Moving back to the OP, I am, as some have ascertained by now, very protocol oriented but byet in many ways and certainly in informal areas, also very laid back. It erks me if I findmyself in the kitychen making myself a coffee rather then call a slave away from other duties, but find my making the coffee has make her feel less valued. With me there is a propper time, a propper place ande the proper manner in which to communicate with me, depending on the urgency or severity of nthe matter of course. I'm the sort of chap who, in the early days of the relationship, set down my rules and protocols for all manner of communications whilse encouraging her to speek her mind in the proper manner of course. I also like to give a variety of ways and means in which she can communicate with me without breaching the protocols even to her, if needs be, seeking out Neets who can and will come to me when she deems it best to do so. Thusa if I am involved in business or some such or indeed watching a long awaited sports program, she will wait till there is an interval or the end and then let me know what is happening. As I say, I expect the slave to speak her mind, telling me her fears, wants needs or joys without fear or favour. Just two people conversing within the dynamic.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 38

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/14/2010 9:42:18 PM

gungadin09

Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant
...there are many posters on here who speak of being able to stay with the person they fell in love with as long as they remain the person they fell in love with. I find it interesting because...love and trust are often not enough to hold a relationship together. Lady Pact is one of the few who speaks of a relationship in which the D/s and the BDSM are the "main" focus rather than the romance...one of the few who addresses interactions such as play, protocol, ritual, communication.

i've had many failed relationships. (So many, in fact, that i took a 9 year break from dating altogether.) But sex (vanilla or otherwise) was never the main reason the relationship failed. i'd say half of them failed because of lack of compatibility, and the other half from communication problems. Hopefully, i'm wiser now. i know what characteristics i need in the person i'm dating. i'm also better at communication, although i'm still timid, and i need Someone who's going to encourage honest communication, rather than discourage it.

Finding someone who's compatible with me is hard enough (i might say almost impossible) without adding kink into the equation. i'd say in terms of personality, i'm VERY picky. As for play, protocol, and ritual, not so much. i think that affection, compatible personalities, and strong communication skills can make up for almost any deficit in those three areas.

pam

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 39

RE: Expectations on BDSM, protocol and more - 8/15/2010 12:10:53 AM

gungadin09

Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
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Okay, everyone has SOME expectations from a relationship. If i devoted my life to Someone, and that person NEVER wanted to have sex, it would be a problem. On the other hand, if they CONSTANTLY wanted to have sex, it would be a problem. But barring such extreme cases, it's hard to imagine any sexual problem severe enough to break a relationship that was strong in every other respect. For me, the physical aspect of the relationship is the least important part. That includes BDSM, protocol, punishment, and all that other stuff.

It's hard to answer the OP's question in the hypothetical. It's hard to know ahead of time what WOULD constitute a major problem. i always imagine that a person has similar desires and interests to mine, until i find out that they don't. There might be lots of things i would object to, if i only knew. i guess i will know it when it happens.

pam

< Message edited by gungadin09 -- 8/15/2010 1:11:54 AM >

(in reply to gungadin09)

Post #: 40

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