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advice needed - 12/24/2010 9:53:25 AM   
virginmaleslave9


Posts: 4
Joined: 8/24/2010
Status: offline 		hi everyone i need advice i want to tell my friends and family about my preferred lifestyle but i dont know what to say so that way everything will go smoothly exspelly my parents i live with right now and i love them and i dont want to lose contact with them but want to wait until after the holidays and should i wait until i get a misstress
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RE: advice needed - 12/24/2010 9:56:45 AM   
hlen5


Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
Status: offline 		You might not even like it if you try it. Wait until you get some experience, and why do they need to know, especially at this point?

EditedForSpelling

< Message edited by hlen5 -- 12/24/2010 9:57:20 AM >

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RE: advice needed - 12/24/2010 10:01:48 AM   
BossyShoeBitch


Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline 		Whoa, slow down. 

I'm going to assume for the sake of argument that since you are a virgin, you haven't yet had any "lifestyle" experience either.  If that is in fact the case, my advice is to wait until you actually know yourself and what it is you want a bit better before you go and do something that, by your own words, might cause a rift with your family.


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RE: advice needed - 12/24/2010 10:05:03 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Why do you feel this need?  Would you particularly like it if everyone in your life described every fantasy that they had to you?  Do you really need to know just how much your mother enjoys sucking cock or anal penetration?  What purpose does it serve to tell them of activities that you aren't even involved with yet?

I'm all for making friends and family aware of a person's activities so they will have no reason to worry.  Most people who care about us are going to have concerns should they notice frequent bruising or some other such thing.  If that's not the case, why would you want to trouble them for things that aren't even happening?  I get the feeling there is a touch of selfishness in your motivations.  Open your eyes and do some inner reflections before you open your mouth.


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RE: advice needed - 12/24/2010 10:12:57 AM   
xssve


Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline 		Yes, as a 19 year old virgin, I suggest you try it out for a spell before you tell everybody, but that's just me.

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RE: advice needed - 12/24/2010 10:13:03 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		All right, I looked at your profile and if I read it right, you have no experience in either sex or BDSM, and you are looking for a Mistress to control you 24/7.  And on top of that, you want the relationship to have no sexual contact?  That's going to make things kinda difficult - why do you want to remain a virgin?  Not only is that going to limit the pool of Mistresses, but it will raise eyebrows among those who don't want to cater to some guy's kinks.

Look, fella.  First you need to get some relationship experience first.  Being a slave to someone means that you are in a relationship where you are a slave.  If you can't make a relationship work without the kneel, you won't make it work with it either.

After that, try telling a gf that you want to submit to her and see what happens.  As my girlfriends BSB and hlen5 said above, you need to try it out.

And if you can move out from your parents' place, you'll have a lot greater freedom to experiment.


< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 12/24/2010 10:15:06 AM >

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RE: advice needed - 12/24/2010 10:13:19 AM   
virginmaleslave9


Posts: 4
Joined: 8/24/2010
Status: offline 		thank you for advice and i will use it to the wise and yes i am vigin and no lifestyle experince

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RE: advice needed - 12/24/2010 10:18:24 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: virginmaleslave9

hi everyone i need advice i want to tell my friends and family about my preferred lifestyle but i dont know what to say so that way everything will go smoothly exspelly my parents i live with right now and i love them and i dont want to lose contact with them but want to wait until after the holidays and should i wait until i get a misstress


Most of the folk here know that I'm a big proponent of honesty towards others and self-awareness. That being said, I think you're profoundly jumping the gun. All of us have interests that we don't share. I have NEVER shared the intimate details about my sex life with, for example, my father. Not only is he not interested, but it would cause him to worry... and that is certainly not the point.

For some of us, there are aspects of ourselves that are going to be noticeable by people who see us often, including friends or family. It's appropriate to share some basic information about these things. For example, I am heavily inked, so before I went to visit my aunts and uncle, I let them know that I was heavily tattooed, and found out whether they would be more comfortable with me wearing something that didn't show my torso ink (chest and back pieces) while I was in their home. To me, that is simple courtesy. I didn't cover up -all- my ink... just the pieces that would be covered by regular work clothes, for example. In the same way, I don't dress in my fetish gear and wear my House crop when I go to visit my dad. However, he does know that I have multiple partners of both genders -- which was necessary for him to know so that he could decide whether or not he really wanted to invite me someplace where everyone would be paired up... and to make sure he understood that if he was visiting my home, I wasn't going to hide away any of my mates on his account. Things like that, gently and compassionately worded, are important to share. However, sharing your interests in D/s or BDSM is NOT a necessity unless you're planning on getting your family involved in your authority relationship and/or sexual relationships -- it is perfectly possible to have family gatherings and meet family obligations in MOST cases, without the family ever knowing what happens behind closed doors at home. The only exception I'd make to this is if you're involved in something that leaves visible marks on your body -- and then only enough need be said to reassure your family members that you are aware of the marks, and that the marks are there because you were participating in activities that you like -- with -no- need to specify what those activities ARE.

Give your family the gift of discretion this year, and save your announcement for a time when it is necessary, if it ever becomes so.

Calla


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RE: advice needed - 12/24/2010 10:31:31 AM   
virginmaleslave9


Posts: 4
Joined: 8/24/2010
Status: offline 		ok i will try all the advice

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RE: advice needed - 12/24/2010 10:39:08 AM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline 		What everyone else said.

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In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

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RE: advice needed - 12/24/2010 11:02:03 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		There is no more reason for you to come down to the breakfast table and say "Hey Mom and Dad, I got done in the ass with a strap-on last night" then there is for them to come down and have your mother tell you that your father raped her ass the night before.

Do your parents or any of your friends sit you down and tell you who makes what decisions in their relationship? Of course not, because it's private. If and when you get into a relationship with a dominant woman, then as long as she has decent manners and treats you with respect, there is no reason to tell your parents that she always picks which movie you are going to see. All anyone wants is to know that their parent or child is treated with love and respect. That they are happy.

You are assuming that normal relationship skills do not apply here. They do. Love, caring, kindness, respect, open communication, all of those things are more important than who does what to who.


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RE: advice needed - 12/24/2010 11:13:40 AM   
LoveSparkie


Posts: 56
Joined: 12/17/2010
Status: offline 		I have tried to HINT to my mother about my interest in the lifestyle. I share almost everything with her, even things she may not want to hear, but I prefer that she know who her daughter is and what she stands for. I pretty much just told her that I felt I am submissive by nature and love to please (she agreed with this) and told her I feel like I would need a dominant personality in my future "boyfriend" or "husband".  She simply nodded and smiled. I'm not sure if she understood what I was getting at, but I think if she met the man I end up with and saw him to be a good person, I don't think she would mind to much if she knew my children where in good hands and that I was completely content in my way of life.

I also outright told my best friend about the lifestyle and how I wanted  a dominant man, he simply said "I don't really want to tell you that you should be a slave, but I think you should do what makes you happy."


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It's not until you experience pain that you will know pleasure.
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It's when you face death, that you truly love life."
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RE: advice needed - 12/24/2010 12:14:02 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I don't get it.

Why do you need to tell anyone anything at all???


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RE: advice needed - 12/24/2010 1:04:58 PM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline 		There are INCREDIBLE paralles to coming out as a BDSMer and coming out as gay.

FIRST step - in both - is that you MUST come out to yourself!  That is, you need to figure out who you are and what you want in life and out of life.  I'm getting the strong vibe that you think the first step on coming out is to come out to friends and family.  I have the horrific image of all are around punch bowl and raising a toast of egg-nog and you jump-in with, "Folks, there's something I've been meaning to tell you......" NO! Nope! WRONG!  Please don't! LOL!

SECOND step - in being gay BUT for BDSM certainly NOT neccesary as outlined by so many above - simply tell your closest friend - maybe a sister or older brother.

THIRD step - expand circle slightly and SLOWLY!  Careful words, full of reassurance!

In the day, stating "I am gay" was tantamount to a death sentence because AIDS was a gay disease.  If you were gay, you WOULD die of AIDS - and soon.  Of course, if you did have AIDS and told someone, they automagically assumed youu were gay.

Anyway, figure out WHY you want to reveal this.

_____________________________

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"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

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RE: advice needed - 12/24/2010 2:25:33 PM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline 		P.S.  I'll add my sig line here.  When one changes it, it changes EVERYwhere - except when it has bee quoted in a post, thus:

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

In your instance, you KNOW to not come out to a group.

Be honest with us! Isn't your "real" question, "How do I come out to family and friends?" -OR- "How do I figure out I'm a BDSMer?" -OR- something or something....




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"Train 'em the right way - my way." Lance Hughes
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

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RE: advice needed - 12/24/2010 4:56:48 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		As a mother, i can tell you (the OP) that i don't want to know the details of my kids sex lives. In fact, if they tried - other than very general generalities - i would be inclined to put my fingers in my ears and sing jingle bells VERY loudly.

There is no reason to tell your parents what you like. If indeed you DO like it.

Just because you find the fantasy very arousing doesn't mean the reality will have the same effect. You might want to join a local community and attend a few play parties before you shout from the roof tops that you are a slave/submissive/bottom.

The point is, you need to really find out what it is that you want and like, before you do something irreversible. A little age and a little experience is a great thing.

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RE: advice needed - 12/24/2010 5:30:47 PM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline 		Why do they even have to know? What difference does it make having or not having a mistress if you wanna come out of the closet with people close to you?

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RE: advice needed - 12/25/2010 5:30:54 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

As a mother, i can tell you (the OP) that i don't want to know the details of my kids sex lives. In fact, if they tried - other than very general generalities - i would be inclined to put my fingers in my ears and sing jingle bells VERY loudly.



While I agree with the advice to attend the local communities, I think that what is relevant here is that it doesn't sound like the OP has the kind of relationship with his family where he has shared intimacy like this in the past. Kiwi, you give the impression that NO parent would want to discuss such things with hir offspring, and I think that that is more a function of whether that has ever been a part of the relationship in the past than it is any hard and fast rule that one -never- discuss such things with a parent, and when such things are appropriate (in private vs. announcing in front of everyone at a family gathering).

I have no problem discussing sex, sexual preferences, bdsm, fetishes, etc., with my grown offspring of either gender -- but for their entire lives, they've known that they could come to me with their questions -- and that I wouldn't push them beyond discussions of safety issues if they -didn't- want to discuss them, but was competent and knowledgeable to discuss as far beyond that as they were willing to go... and willing to be open minded about the things that weren't necessarily part of my own repertoire. I see nothing wrong with discussing one's sex life with one's grown offspring... if it is something that you've had a history of sharing, rather than something that you KNOW will shock and possibly even HURT them -and- if it is done with the appropriate measure of privacy, discretion, and respect for those who may be present with whom one -doesn't- have that kind of relationship.

Calla

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 12/25/2010 5:31:17 AM >

_____________________________

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Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

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RE: advice needed - 12/25/2010 8:12:06 AM   
slavekal


Posts: 1486
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline 		Why on earth would you want to tell your family?

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RE: advice needed - 12/25/2010 8:20:31 AM   
Phoenixpower


Posts: 8098
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I don't get it.

Why do you need to tell anyone anything at all???




that

My parents would be the last one on the planet I would be telling stuff like that and I don't mind that I know that they could never ever imagine me being obedient

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