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RE: Is BDSM for people who find they can't cope with no... - 5/26/2011 8:17:12 AM   
coookie


Posts: 541
Joined: 10/25/2010
Status: offline 		As for your original question in your title... well a traditional relationship didn't work very well for me past 16 years which is a very long time but i grew a lot in that time and always felt like something was just not quite right. I tried to force the situation where he led and for the most part he did but there were some structural flaws within it.

Now your second point about emotion. I believe that there is probably more emotion in my current relationship because i am so intimate with him. He knows everything that i know about me.

Extended roleplay? I don't think so. I like what we do sexually because it is fun. It really is no more than that. For him, leading is natural and for me following is natural. Most people hate to be called a follower and yet our society would not function if everyone were a leader. Imagine if everyone in your country tried to lead it. Now imagine everyone in your relationship trying to lead it... it can be equally as messy.

I would need more clarification about exactly what you mean by "bdsm" (its a huge umbrella) to go more indepth

(in reply to PhilSlave)
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RE: Is BDSM for people who find they can't cope with no... - 5/26/2011 8:20:18 AM   
strangedesire


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quote:

ORIGINAL: PhilSlave

Isn't prolonged BDSM just a form of extended roleplay, pure fantasy not unlike furries.


What do you mean by BDSM?

To a certain extent, most social structures are a form of roleplay. Marriage. Crosswalks. Currency. Some of them suit us better than others. (I do ok with currency but jaywalk aggressively.) Some of us reject conventional structures in favor of newer ones. (Polyamory.) Some of us redefine the conventional to meet our needs. (Gay marriage.) Some of us accept the traditional but refuse to play by its rules. (Cheating.) Some of us create new protocols for our substitute structures, until they become codified themselves. Leather culture does this, although I'm not sure how well it succeeds.

If you define BDSM as the fantasy trappings, with no connection to real people and reality, then yes, it's a roleplay. If you define it as a structure over which people crack open their hearts and pour in their real selves, then it's pretty real. If you define it as tying people up and hitting them, well, that's just fucking fun.


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RE: Is BDSM for people who find they can't cope with no... - 5/26/2011 8:22:52 AM   
Rochsub2009


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quote:

ORIGINAL: PhilSlave

I find I migrate to bdsm after vanilla relationships because I desire structure for a while with less emotion. Is this what BDSM is?


Your questions seem to be silly and ill-considered.  You're basing them off of premises that are clearly false.  But more importantly, you show almost no grasp of what BDSM is.

Remember that all human beings are different.  Thus, by definition, all relationships are going to be different.  This is true regardless of whether the relationship is vanilla or otherwise.  So why are you trying to create sweeping generalizations about something as complex and diverse as human relationships?

It sounds like your vanilla relationships lack structure.  But has it ever occurred to you that that may be a function of you and your partner, and not of vanilla relationships in general?  Many people have vanilla relationships with lots of structure. 

Similarly, you imply that BDSM relationships lack emotion.  Once again, I would argue that some do and some don't.  It depends on the individuals involved.  As many others have stated, I wouldn't be involved with any relationship (BDSM or vanilla) that lacked emotion.

I think you are creating an artificial distinction between BDSM and vanilla.  Relationships are relationships.  It's the people involved with them that make them unique.  The activities (be they BDSM or vanilla) are merely the window dressing.  But it's the two (or more, if you're poly) people who make up the relationship.

So if your relationships lack emotion, look in the mirror.  If your relationships lack structure, look in the mirror.  Your relationships are a result of who you are, not of whether they're BDSM or vanilla.  Frankly, IMO "BDSM" and "vanilla" are artificial labels.  There are lots of "vanilla" couples who tie one another up to add a little spice to their sex life.  Are they vanilla or is their relationship BDSM?  See what I mean?  The labels are actually artificial.  Relationships are about people, not activities.

< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 5/26/2011 8:28:32 AM >

(in reply to PhilSlave)
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RE: Is BDSM for people who find they can't cope with no... - 5/26/2011 8:27:34 AM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		Is BDSM for people who find they can't cope with normal relationships with Vanilla relationships

Yes. Except when the answer is no. Otherwise, maybe.

That should clear up any confusion you may have regarding your question.

WinD
The Helpful


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RE: Is BDSM for people who find they can't cope with no... - 5/26/2011 8:35:06 AM   
uncertainlyizzy


Posts: 42
Joined: 4/11/2011
Status: offline 		But what about the second tuesday of the third month after the 5th full moon of the year WinD? 

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)
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RE: Is BDSM for people who find they can't cope with no... - 5/26/2011 8:40:36 AM   
sexyred1


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quote:

ORIGINAL: PhilSlave

Isn't prolonged BDSM just a form of extended roleplay, pure fantasy not unlike furries.



At first when you asked the question, it seemed legitimate, although naive. You got some good replies, all telling you that emotion is part of all relationships and for many of us, it is even more deep in relationships that utilize BDSM.

Now you are asking another silly question. Do you really imagine that people that have been in long term relationships, marriages, that are based in D/s are only having extended roleplay?

What does furries have to do with D/s structured relationships? Furries is just another fetish/kink subset of the whole thing.



< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 5/26/2011 8:41:01 AM >

(in reply to PhilSlave)
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RE: Is BDSM for people who find they can't cope with no... - 5/26/2011 8:42:49 AM   
WinsomeDefiance


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quote:

ORIGINAL: uncertainlyizzy

But what about the second tuesday of the third month after the 5th full moon of the year WinD? 


That's an easy one.

The answer is no, except when yes or otherwise maybe when such a mathmatical improbability falls on a leapyear.

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RE: Is BDSM for people who find they can't cope with no... - 5/26/2011 8:49:43 AM   
Kana


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quote:

ORIGINAL: PhilSlave

Isn't prolonged BDSM just a form of extended roleplay, pure fantasy not unlike furries.


Is a marriage?


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RE: Is BDSM for people who find they can't cope with no... - 5/26/2011 8:53:51 AM   
myotherself


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quote:

ORIGINAL: PhilSlave

He is living out a fantasy scenario, his psychology requires him to accept the pain in the game he is playing. Lot's of games require pain.


Totally disagree.

I can do relationships that do not include pain play, but the sex is crap because pain play isn't some sort of fantasy game, it's an essential part of the foreplay I need to enjoy sex. It's not a game - or at least, it's no more a game than oral sex, kissing, mutual masturbation or all of the other non-pain things that people do to get hot for sex.

To match my need to receive pain to make sex into something amazing, my sadistic Master loves to give pain. It gets him hard and it pretty much ensures an earth-trembling, mind-blowing, emotionally intense orgasm for each of us.






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RE: Is BDSM for people who find they can't cope with no... - 5/26/2011 8:54:57 AM   
ranja


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

quote:

ORIGINAL: PhilSlave

Isn't prolonged BDSM just a form of extended roleplay, pure fantasy not unlike furries.


Is a marriage?



sort of... i think of BDSM as very interesting fore play
and fore play is something we idealy will be doing all the time
it keeps our marriage from being boring
to me it is all pretty much like a fantasy or a game, but just as equally real
it all depends on how much we choose to believe in it

< Message edited by ranja -- 5/26/2011 8:58:26 AM >

(in reply to Kana)
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RE: Is BDSM for people who find they can't cope with no... - 5/26/2011 9:00:45 AM   
VaguelyCurious


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

quote:

ORIGINAL: PhilSlave

Isn't prolonged BDSM just a form of extended roleplay, pure fantasy not unlike furries.


Is a marriage?



That's what I was thinking. If one third of marriages end in divorce then at least one third of the people standing in front of their loved ones saying 'as long as we both shall live' are living a fantasy. And that's not counting all the relationships that don't involve marriage but where those vows are kind of implied.

We live, we die. We're with some people on the way. Unless we accurately predict the dates on which all those relationships end, then we're living extended fictions.

As for it being an extended roleplay: I am a bossy person who likes to be in charge. I am not roleplaying being a bossy person who likes to be in charge. People who respond well to being bossed are not roleplaying that positive response. So when a person like me and a person like that get together, you get a situation where one person is bossy and in charge, and the other person likes that and goes along with it.

What exactly about that situation is more of a role-play than any other human interaction?


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Sthetic on FetLife.




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RE: Is BDSM for people who find they can't cope with no... - 5/26/2011 9:01:33 AM   
DarkSteven


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quote:

ORIGINAL: PhilSlave

Isn't prolonged BDSM just a form of extended roleplay, pure fantasy not unlike furries.


No.

You cannot session indefinitely. Sooner later, I have to untie my sub and we put clothes on. We go to jobs, ship for food, now the yard.

BDSM is not a substitute for a relationship. It's a tone which underlies the relationship.

Quit watching BDSM porn and get to meet people.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Is BDSM for people who find they can't cope with no... - 5/26/2011 9:18:46 AM   
VirginPotty


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quote:

ORIGINAL: PhilSlave

I find I migrate to bdsm after vanilla relationships because I desire structure for a while with less emotion. Is this what BDSM is?


The male dom that introduced me to this lifestyle & the same one that I attempted subbing to admitted that he loves this lifestyle because he's the one in charge w/the final word & will never have another argument again.  That's HIS interpretation of BDSM.  I says that he's a spoiled brat trying to get his own way. 2 different interpretations.

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RE: Is BDSM for people who find they can't cope with no... - 5/26/2011 9:19:05 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PhilSlave

Isn't prolonged BDSM just a form of extended roleplay, pure fantasy not unlike furries.


In my dynamic with my Master, there is not much roleplay.
(Or relationship is over 2 years old.)

There is not much heavy pain play.

Our dynamic is about trust, devotion and my love for him.

We don't play at trust.
I don't play at love.

The play we do engage in is sublime, but it is something I could do without if need be as it is not the focus of my serving him.


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RE: Is BDSM for people who find they can't cope with no... - 5/26/2011 9:19:59 AM   
VirginPotty


Posts: 11624
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From: Virginville
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven


quote:

ORIGINAL: PhilSlave

Isn't prolonged BDSM just a form of extended roleplay, pure fantasy not unlike furries.


No.
We go to jobs, ship for food, now the yard.


You have a boat??????  If not, how's that work?

< Message edited by VirginPotty -- 5/26/2011 9:20:59 AM >

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Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

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RE: Is BDSM for people who find they can't cope with no... - 5/26/2011 9:42:57 AM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
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Status: offline 		Phil,

A BDSM relationship in my book is more of a normal relationship compared to "vanilla relationships". ;^)










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RE: Is BDSM for people who find they can't cope with no... - 5/26/2011 10:41:43 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Phil, you don't seem to understand how a power relationship can work in real life. He says "Honey, wash my work clothes tonight so I can work on the car tomorrow" and I do it instead of the towels load I had planned to do next.

We go to the grocery store and I think about strawberry ice cream, he says "No. Pick one that has some chocolate."

I pull out stuff to make dinner and am thinking about a chicken pot pie. He asks what I'm making and says "I feel like grilling, do we have burgers and fixings in the house?" I look, we do and we have cheeseburgers and hot dogs instead of the chicken.

None of these are fantasy things. This is how him being in charge works out on a daily basis. He makes a decision and I accede to it. Role play involves me wearing a schoolgirl skirt and him bending me over a desk for not doing my homework. It's more fun but not as real. The metal ruler on my ass is all too real unfortunately. That thing stings!

But there's a lot more day to day minor decisions which he makes. They aren't exciting or sexual, they just are part of everyday life.


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RE: Is BDSM for people who find they can't cope with no... - 5/26/2011 11:17:41 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
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From: Sailin the stormy sea
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PhilSlave

I find I migrate to bdsm after vanilla relationships because I desire structure for a while with less emotion. Is this what BDSM is?



My best guess is all of your relationships are dysfunctional. So you have to bob and weave between the waves to attempt to maintain your sanity. It doesn't look like your too successful at it tho.

Wishing you well. BadOne

_____________________________

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We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to PhilSlave)
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RE: Is BDSM for people who find they can't cope with no... - 5/26/2011 11:24:41 AM   
CynthiaWVirginia


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From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PhilSlave
Is BDSM for people who find they can't cope with normal relationships with Vanilla relationships?

I find I migrate to bdsm after vanilla relationships because I desire structure for a while with less emotion. Is this what BDSM is?


Evidently, some do.  This past year I read an article on how some people need BDSM to help them work through certain bad times in their lives.  If it helps, then more power to them.  What I like about D/s is that we really need to know ourselves, our needs, limits, and those of our partner. 

Personally, in answer to your first question, no I don't.  As for your second, I wouldn't want a man in my life who closed off most of himself away where I couldn't reach him.  If he needed to do this for a while and we could grow beyond that, yes, but if I was just some temporary bandaid for his psyche and he planned to move on when healed...

Good that this lifestyle is something of a safe haven for you when you feel overloaded and need to shut down for a while.  This is not why everyone is into this.

< Message edited by CynthiaWVirginia -- 5/26/2011 11:41:57 AM >

(in reply to PhilSlave)
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RE: Is BDSM for people who find they can't cope with no... - 5/26/2011 11:33:25 AM   
HeatherMcLeather


Posts: 2559
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From: The dog house
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quote:

Isn't prolonged BDSM just a form of extended roleplay, pure fantasy not unlike furries.
I understand that this wasn't a serious question, that you were just trying to stir up the hornet's nest, but you came very close to what I see as one reality of a BDSM relationship.

I suspect that this is definitely a 1st-timer reaction, and would be very curious if others felt this way about their first BDSM relationship.

It is like a fantasy, I am living a fantasy. I often find myself worrying that I am going to wake up, or that somehow it is all going to be some cruel hoax. I live every day surrounded in a cocoon of mutual love, trust, understanding, acceptance and sexual indulgence. I am free to be me in a a way a vanilla girl could never be. I am able to explore any aspect of myself, no matter how dark and depraved the outside world might see it. I freely admit that my life is one of sexual indulgence and arousal, but it is also deeper. I am learning things about myself and life that would normally have taken me decades to learn, if ever. Things I doubt I would ever learn from a vanilla relationship.

I have grown as a person in the short time I have been with Hanners, I am a very different girl than the scared, damaged, and withdrawn introvert I was when she found me. Just look at how my posts on here have changed over that time. Being her slave has shown me that I am strong, I am valuable, that I not only am I capable of loving and being loved, but that I deserve it. I've learned just how deep my emotions run, and the fulfillment that comes from sharing them freely and openly with another. I've learned about communicating, not just talking, but the sort of communication that allows you to understand not just what the other thinks and feels, but also the how and why of it as well.

I have learned the true meaning of trust. Not just a "I trust Karen, she's basically a good person" trust, but a "Here I am, I put myself and my life in your hands" sort of trust. That is an amazing and exhilarating thing, to feel that degree of trust. I've learned that there is real freedom to be found in surrendering control to another. I've learned what devotion is as well. Not just the devotion between lovers, but a deeper, more all encompassing sort. The devotion of a slave to her owner, and also the devotion of the owner to her slave. I've learned that happiness can be found in the happiness of another, that pleasure can be found in the pleasure of another. I've learned that desire can grow stronger and deeper the more fully it is satisfied.

I've learned the value and contentment that comes from doing something difficult the right way, that shortcuts aren't usually the best way to do things. I've learned the value of being fully honest, not just with Hanners, but with myself. I've learned that true self-acceptance comes through accepting others for who and what they are, rather than filtering everything through a lens of my own desires. I've learned that joy and fulfillment come from being a joy to your partner, that to be something they treasure above and beyond anything else in their life is the greatest gift you can give another person.

It seems to me that a BDSM relationship makes a permanent impression on those that experience one. I've heard older women talking about past lovers, I've heard them say things like "Remember that guy I was with for about half a year back in '87, what was his name name again...". I've never heard somebody say that about a person they submitted to, or who submitted to them.

To learn all that while while wallowing in an ocean of sensual pleasure, depravity and orgasmic bliss, well that's just got to be some sort of dream, right? God I hope not, and if it is I hope I never wake up.


Heather McLeather

p.s. Above everything else, I've learned that I've grown into a Jr. philosopher of BDSM.

(in reply to PhilSlave)
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