Fear of failure

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HisTicia -> Fear of failure (6/7/2006 11:35:36 AM)
I have a bit of an issue.. I have found the perfect Master/lover/friend/partner..now.. I am scared I will mess up and lose him somehow. He reassures me this will not happen..and then I still worry.. then I fear I have failed him again..by worrying when he tells me not to. ugh! I have always been very insecure..and probably for good reason over the years. I have about 30yrs of being told and feeling like I have fallen short to get rid of. That may happen with time..but I doubt it will be an easy process. I have bulmia.. which I am fighting every day now..because when I worry.. I tend to binge..and the rest just comes with it. I want to battle that to be healthy for him..and for our lives together..yet.. it's one of the harder things I have had to face..and almost in a strange way fear losing. Probably because I have dealt with so much by doing it for 4 years now..it's more of a crutch than anything. I want to look so good for him.. I want to feel like the beautiful woman he says I am.. yet.. I can't seem to do it. He loves me no matter what.. and yet this is a concern of mine. So there again.. I have failed by not trusting him that nothing will change his love/feelings for me. Do you see the merry go round here..? I keep going around and around..and dammit.. I want to get off. How do I get better about this..and shut those voices off telling me how much I am screwing and messing things up..and how much I just don't deserve him?

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Fear of failure (6/7/2006 11:40:49 AM)
Bulimia/perfectionism/control freak/feeling insecure/fear of failure almost always go together. You're right, his words unfortunately aren't going to make it all ok. The only thing that will make it ok is time and proven experience together that he really does like you for you. If you have not already- therapy would be a good option to help examine your thought processes and give you an objective perspective. The problem isn't that you have the wrong ideas, it's that you let the ideas control you and lose perspective on the big picture. Which, when you realize it, just makes you feel evern worse, eh? You could practice looking at yourself AS yourself and telling you that you are pretty. You don't have to believe it at this point, you just have to accept that others believe it. You can try writing down some things you DO like about yourself. More than anything, you have to do it everyday. Eventually, you will find the security you lack in yourself, but only in yourself.

HisTicia -> RE: Fear of failure (6/7/2006 12:49:49 PM)
It's strange that I am a control freak..yet.. I want to give up control. I would have to agree with you though..I probably am one. I would have loved to have had things done.. or just know they would be..but that has never happened before Him...there has not been anyone to give me that. Probably because of things in my childhood.. I had no control.. so I feel like I have to make sure things are done.. and done perfect.. or I just drive myself nuts worrying about them. This ticks me off a bit..because in my heart.. I know He can take care of everything we have talked about..and I just feel I am letting Him down to worry like this. There goes that damn merry go round again. At work..or in anything.. I give myself so many chances to get perfect at it..and if I feel like I am not living up to that.. it crushes me..and I beat myself up about it. I don't know why I thought I would be any different about being the best sub/lover/wife ever..lol I did try a therapist..but she was more concerned with my lifestyle..than helping me with the bulmia. I also told my Dr..and was just put on anti-depressants. I know He has had a friend that had this also.. so at least I have a Master that knows what I am facing..and some ways to deal with it. I am very grateful for that. He doesn't push me.. or imply I should be better overnight.. I do that all on my own. Ugh!

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Fear of failure (6/7/2006 12:58:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HisTicia It's strange that I am a control freak..yet.. I want to give up control. I know it sounds wrong at first, and it certainly is ironic but it makes sense. A HIGH number of submissives/slaves are perfectionists and control freaks (and also, in relation, narcissists). WE are the ones who want all those rules and order and boxes and terms and rituals and told where to sit and when to eat and ALL of that. We're the ones who crave the control and crave to give control to the things in our lives. WE are the ones who set up relationships in which we can do something perfectly 99 times, but it's the 100th time that we get punished for. It makes a lot of sense for someone who wants to create and explicit authority dynamic to be a control freak/perfectionist. quote: I did try a therapist..but she was more concerned with my lifestyle..than helping me with the bulmia. I also told my Dr..and was just put on anti-depressants. I said therapist- I should have specified, a therapist who can really work with you. There are kink aware therapists, or therapists who can work with you on your actual issues. Don't just give up because the first was a dud. Finding a good therapist FOR YOU takes work, but it's worth it tenfold. quote: He doesn't push me.. or imply I should be better overnight.. I do that all on my own. Ugh! I completely understand. Another trick is to try distracting yourself when you feel yourself sliding into the depression cycle (the whole I feel bad-I shouldn't feel bad-but I DO feel bad-Knowing I shouldn't feel bad makes me feel bad- That's even more ridiculous than feeling bad- I KNOW it's more ridiculous but I feel bad- That's so ridiculous-I know, I'm so pathetic.....) STOP yourself. Distract yourself. BREAK the cycle and go do something else productive.

juliaoceania -> RE: Fear of failure (6/7/2006 1:00:22 PM)
I think all perfectionists can understand how you feel. LA is right, nothing he can do is going to make you feel like a loveable person. He can't fill you up and make you feel good about you. That comes from within. It kinda goes with that old saying "You cannot love anyone else unless you love yourself". I completely agree with that. Self love means we do not hurt ourselves, that we respect ourselves, and we feel as though we deserve love from others. It also means we forgive ourselves our failings, even if others won't. I used to be like that, harder on myself than anyone else was, but I realized something, and that is if I would forgive someone else their failings I should be able to forgive myself for my own. Everyone has shortcomings and failings... it is part of being human after all. Beating yourself up for being a human being is senseless. It does go with control issues and perfectionism - which causes that inner anxiety that we are going to screw something up because we are worthless on some level. You have to forgive yourself and accept yourself .. otherwise you tend to reject men like the dom you have right now for others that will validate your feelings of worthlessness. The only way to overcome that is accepting yourself as you exist.. warts and all.... Peace.

Tikkiee -> RE: Fear of failure (6/7/2006 1:03:56 PM)
HisTicia, I find your words here not to show a failing of him, but a failing of yourself. There is nothing wrong with being insecure; everyone at one time or another has had a twinge of insecurity. About who they are, who they are with, life, love, etc, etc. You will have them till the day you die. What is important is in how you express these insecurities. In a healthy way, or in a destructive way. At this moment, you are in the destructive mood [:)] You need to take a step back and find yourself. The man you are with is nothing more right now than a mirror, that reflects back the image that should be. However, you can not see that image. All you see is what you perceive to be within yourself. Until you find the strength within to see with open and an unclouded vision, you will never see that which he does. And you will forever doubt the image that is reflected. Take some time and find yourself. Do not rely on anothers perception and strength. Rely on your own. You said that your therapist focused more on your lifestyle than on your bulimia? Have you not stopped to think that maybe the two are connected? Not saying that one is dependant on the other; only that there may be a connection. I am a health freak; and by that I mean I run 5 miles a day, and swim 15 miles a day; all in the name of staying healthy. My obsession with health is in a lot of ways connected with the fact that I am a masochist. However, it stems from past issues; issues that arose before I put a name to my desires. Accept yourself first; only then can you push past and allow another to do the same.

servicing -> RE: Fear of failure (6/7/2006 1:26:27 PM)
I have some demons of my own. Was about to tell you about them, but nah, they are slightly different. Your self image seems to be focused around your weight. Some people are natuarlly have more "padding" than others. I will never have six pack abs, but I can enhance my arms and shoulders. I realize what I am that is outside my control and strive to change the things that are within my control. Easier said than done. If your compulsive you will always be compulsive. I'm constantly told by extroverts that I'm quite. Yea and will always be an introvert, so wonder why they gotta make it sound so bad. Maybe compulsive people are driven to live life it's fullest. I like to chow down too. I've been trying to lose weight and it's really difficult to lose it. I drink a lot of Diet Mellow Yellows to fill me. I don't go to buffets because by goodness I'm gonna get my money's worth. I started to excercise, then quit and realized how important it was to maintain a healthy mental state and curb obsessive behavior. I'll eventually get to it daily, but right now I'm doing 3 vigorous workouts a week lasting about 2-3 hours lifting weights. The idea is to kick my own butt. I need to be exhausted. It is also the only way to expend calories in a healthy manner.. I also cook in a healthy manner. No-fat is important. Artificial sweetner. A meat and two veggies instead of a meat one veggie and one startch. Shrink portion sizes. Don't cook extra. Avoid restaurants. Sugar Free pudding and no fat cool whip! Then if you do occasionally chow down, it just might be a pizza with fat free cheese or a big ole double helping of sugar free pudding made with skim milk. Then you'll be working out to burn off calories. Also after a while you'll get toned from the excercise and you might actually notice and start thinking your body looks alright. About losing him, I dunno, I don't believe in the theory of "the one". If you do then maybe you can also believe in "fate" and in that case it doesn't matter what you do. It seems more like you're setting a hurdle for yourself that may be too high... a hurdle that's artificial since the one he set for you is much lower.

KnightofMists -> RE: Fear of failure (6/7/2006 2:32:39 PM)
and what is it you want to do for yourself? If all your doing is just for him.... it's very unlikely that you will ever overcome the fears. What about being a better you... JUST for you. And sharing this better you with your Master?

peterK50 -> RE: Fear of failure (6/7/2006 2:55:52 PM)
Most slaves are perfectionists. early on [I served a couple] if I messed up I felt so bad I messed up more. My Owners understood this & told me "If you were perfect you'd be boring". Then they took me to the woodshed & blistered my useless butt [:@] Alls well that ends well, just relax

keme -> RE: Fear of failure (6/7/2006 3:10:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HisTicia I have a bit of an issue.. I have found the perfect Master/lover/friend/partner..now.. I am scared I will mess up and lose him somehow. He reassures me this will not happen..and then I still worry.. then I fear I have failed him again..by worrying when he tells me not to. ugh! I have always been very insecure..and probably for good reason over the years. I have about 30yrs of being told and feeling like I have fallen short to get rid of. That may happen with time..but I doubt it will be an easy process. I have bulmia.. which I am fighting every day now..because when I worry.. I tend to binge..and the rest just comes with it. I want to battle that to be healthy for him..and for our lives together..yet.. it's one of the harder things I have had to face..and almost in a strange way fear losing. Probably because I have dealt with so much by doing it for 4 years now..it's more of a crutch than anything. I want to look so good for him.. I want to feel like the beautiful woman he says I am.. yet.. I can't seem to do it. He loves me no matter what.. and yet this is a concern of mine. So there again.. I have failed by not trusting him that nothing will change his love/feelings for me. Do you see the merry go round here..? I keep going around and around..and dammit.. I want to get off. How do I get better about this..and shut those voices off telling me how much I am screwing and messing things up..and how much I just don't deserve him? I too suffer from fear or failure... BUT in reverse... I have fear of success...lol... long story. All I can say is that it is lovely you want to do these things for him... but you are setting yourself up to fail. You have to do it for you. therapy will help... along with good friends... good books... and a healthy understanding of who and what you want to be... KNOWING it will not take place in the matter of days. Yes took you years to get there will take years to reprogram... I wish you luck... I am reading Wild Women Never Get the Blues and The Power of Belief. Both excellent sources on how to retrain that thinking... and stretch those comfort zones.

composer83 -> RE: Fear of failure (6/7/2006 3:24:53 PM)
i have learned you cannot be a good submissive for you Master or Mistress if you do not take care of yourself first. Trying to do things like get healthy & fight your demons for him is a futile, uphill battle. i strongly urge you to get right & comfortable with yourself first...then you will be able to serve & please him like you want to & like you both deserve.... best of luck to you ~m

puella -> RE: Fear of failure (6/7/2006 3:36:27 PM)
Hello Ticia, Maybe if you can think of it this way, you will find a bit more peace, I do not know. You are going to fail, over and over, and a lot more than you want to. You are going to hate it when it happens and you are going to kick yourself when it happens. But he knows that already. He wants you anyway (or perhaps because of that). He will help pick you up when you fail, and in that place, he will guide you in closer to him. By being with you and taking you through your failures, he will mark you little by little, bit by bit, more surely his. Is there the possibility that you will do something so great he will release you. Yes. But by focusing on that nebulous thing that my never come up, you take away the pleasures and options in your guidance and service he can take from both your accomplishments and your failure. If he wants to own you, he wants to own all of you. Love him enough to give him that, and be smart enough to revel in every moment and color of the spectrum he shares with you, dark and light. You are a lucky girl.

KatyLied -> RE: Fear of failure (6/7/2006 3:52:37 PM)
I think you have received some good input. I want to add that you may find some comfort by being the best you can in your relationship.....and in life, in general. Do the best you can. Don't get hungup on being perfect (I know, not easy). If you do the best you can, if you put forth your best effort, always mindful of your place in the relationship....this is the best thing you can do, and I think your Dom will take notice. I hope you find peace from the bulimia and perfectionistic tendencies you have. I would suggest, as some others have, that you continue to shop around until you find a therapist you are comfortable with, perferably one who deals with eating disorders. I wish you well.

HisTicia -> RE: Fear of failure (6/7/2006 5:21:19 PM)
Thank you all so very much. I read each and every post.. I do need His support..but I do know I need to so this for myself first.. or it won't work at all. I believe that I am..I mean.. my health is really taking a beating..along with everything else. He has a great fear that something awful will happen to me..and I am mad at myself for worrying Him so much. I have set the bar too high.. He hasn't.. He has said that I don't need to change at all for Him to love me..but I have put into my head that I must. He says we will go to the gym..and we will be back to vegetarian (which we both used to be) and that will also help us in this area a lot. So, He is very loving.. supportive and sensible. Every issue here is all mine... that is the sad part. I am hoping to find a therapist when I get moved..that is more kink friendly. I am sure with this..and past issues of abuse..rape..etc..it is a good idea any way. I am not sure if any of my issues are bdsm related.. I haven't been in the lifestyle really that long..but I know I have always liked to please..and when I didn't live up to what I should.. I did find comfort with food and such. He keeps telling me how beautiful I am.. I have a hard time accepting the compliment and make a joke of it. I know that this upsets Him a lot..and really.. I don't blame Him. He just wants to show me His love..and I shit on it..so to speak. I have to quit doing this..and quit expecting so much out of myself. Maybe if I could turn this perfectionist part of me..toward living better..and excerise..that would help things. I am sure this can be a good quality in a person..and I have just been using it in the wrong way. I will try and change that in the coming days. You all have made me think a lot..and actually.. I think it sunk in a bit. When I put what was said here..with things He has said.. I guess maybe I have been looking at things all wrong. Strange how that can almost happen in an instant.. a click. Now, I am sure my problems aren't all solved..but I do have a lot to think on. Thank You A/all again..Ticia

mellian -> RE: Fear of failure (6/7/2006 5:24:15 PM)
Yes, I remember going through that with my last Domme, not sure to what to do and how to please her. In hindsite, really didn't help that she wasn't communicating them what she likes and would like me to do too. So I learned from that if I am not sure or questioning, then you ask. If the Domme gets annoyed by it and so on, then at that point time to reconsider the relationship. -mellian

heartfeltsub -> RE: Fear of failure (6/7/2006 5:49:30 PM)
One of the hardest thing to do when someone compliments you is to simply say thank you.

mellian -> RE: Fear of failure (6/7/2006 7:12:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub One of the hardest thing to do when someone compliments you is to simply say thank you. Yes, something I needed to really work on and sometimes still do after being told off to stop turning compliments into criticism or negative light. -mellian

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Fear of failure (6/7/2006 7:18:25 PM)
quote: One of the hardest thing to do when someone compliments you is to simply say thank you. Tis a constant irony that submissives so often are the worst at accepting things from others- help, love, compliments, forgiveness.

CrappyDom -> RE: Fear of failure (6/7/2006 7:19:42 PM)
Ticia, Your issues are shared by many so please don't feel alone. This technique sometimes helps and you have the raw ingredients, you love someone deeply and believe they care for you. I forced (and believe me at first, they sure as hell felt it was force) my girl to say nice things about herself, just a few little mantras, like "I am pretty", and "I am a good girl". First time always was forced (as in acting forced) and I made a silly joke (with her and NOT at her) out of. "Oh come on girl, let me hear you mean it" In as caring and as comforting as I could, I would make her repeat it two or three times till I could hear the resignation and the most fleeting bit of belief in her voice. Then I would say something similar and hold her. So, when I felt she was down or doubting herself, I would cuddle up to her, and make her say "I am a good girl" a couple of times and over the years, she came to believe in it. It don't work overnight, but a year or two done well and appropriately, with the right two people, the right chemistry and a lot of luck it can work. (hows that for caveats?)

spankmepink11 -> RE: Fear of failure (6/7/2006 7:32:35 PM)
Ticia...i certainly wish you the best, and i agree with the concept that CrappyDom subscribed to. I have a very attractive young friend....she's hardworking, responsible and goal oriented, but is constantly denegrating herself. I am always pointing out her positive attributes to no avail...so i suggested this to her. "everytime you have a negative thought about yourself.....stop in your tracks and list 3 things you love about you" . I know it sounds simplistic....but it worked for me. good luck! [:)]

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