Jealousy (Full Version)

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litleone8620 -> Jealousy (6/13/2006 12:55:43 AM)

I'm sure jealousy has been talked about over and over again, but since i'm new here, and haven't been here for the other threads, i'm starting another one.

When my Master and i got together He told me eventually He would bring in another sub to join us. At the time, i was ok with it. But as our relationship blossomed and grew, i learned i would be jealous of any other submissive that would come into the relationship, no matter how secure i was with my Master.

W/we talked, and discussed and He said He was ok with not bringing in another subbie. I've been told this made Him weak. By giving into his submissive's wishes, He is bringing Himself down to my level. I was hoping to get the opinion of Dominants for this question.

I know where jealousy stems from, and it's a very ugly emotion. I've come to terms with my own jealous feelings i would have if another subbie was to come into my relationship. I plan on reintroducing the topic to my Master when i'm feeling more secure in O/our relationship, which is still far off.

My other question is this: Is there room in an M/s relationship for jealousy? Or is it even expected on both the Dominant's and submissive's parts?

I'm asking this question for the sole purpose to learn about the aspects of jealousy in an M/s relationship. I am not talking about myself. I hope i'm not offending anyone by clarifying that, since it wasn't intended as such.





Padriag -> RE: Jealousy (6/13/2006 1:02:50 AM)

I don't think he's being weak, I think he's being smart and here's why.

You've become aware that you would be seriously jealous of another submissive in the relationship and made him aware of that.  At that point he had a choice.  He could:

a) bring in another submissive anyway.
b) release you and start over with another submissive
c) keep you not bring in another submissive

The first option is a dumb choice because in all likelihood he'd end up losing you both.
The second option is only a good choice if you weren't satisifying him and he had a realistic expectation that another submissive could.
But he chose the third, which indicates to me he's happy with you, you're meeting his needs and he went with the choice best for him.  Smart choice.

Is there any room for jealousy?  Not if its destructive.  Jealousy is more of a problem in a poly situation than in a monogamous one (more likely to be destructive).  As long as you two are happy together and neither feels any resentment, I'd say you're doing fine. 



litleone8620 -> RE: Jealousy (6/13/2006 1:04:52 AM)

How can a Dominant help a submissive come to terms with being jealous?

Again, just for informational purposes only. Not talking about myself.



becca333 -> RE: Jealousy (6/13/2006 1:11:34 AM)

If you're both happy, and it works for the two of you, then he's a wise man. 

Look at how many people are searching for someone, and how many are miserable and disappointed.  You two are happy together, you've got a great thing going.  You've found what so many others would love to have.  There's nothing weak in adapting to a situation.  He'd be weaker if he threw away a good relationship for the chance of something that might never happen.

As for jealousy - it comes from so many feelings, especially insecurity.  As you say yourself, maybe in time you'll feel more secure.

You've got plenty of time, why rush it?  Enjoy what you have now, and in time you might move to a different situation - who knows what's around the corner?



slavejali -> RE: Jealousy (6/13/2006 1:16:27 AM)

I think sometimes people mistake jealousy for just the simple desire to be in a one-on-one relationship. I kid around and say "I'm totally jealous, if anyone comes near Master I would tear them to shreds"..but really..all it is....I'm not poly..i dont feel insecure in our relationship..and I have spiritual reasons for having only one partner.



skittykitty -> RE: Jealousy (6/13/2006 1:22:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620

W/we talked, and discussed and He said He was ok with not bringing in another subbie. I've been told this made Him weak. By giving into his submissive's wishes, He is bringing Himself down to my level. I was hoping to get the opinion of Dominants for this question.




No, it didn't make him weak, it made him a very sensitive and aware Master, you're both in this relationship together, and you both deserve to be happy from it. That requires, even on the part of Masters, some give and take. Jealousy is one of the most destructive emotions we can have, and it requires a great deal of emotional stability and training and positive encourragment for people NOT to be jealous.

Especially when it comes to someone else being with someone that we, personally have invested all of our hopes and feelings into.







litleone8620 -> RE: Jealousy (6/13/2006 1:23:46 AM)

I've never thought about it that way (obviously, or i wouldn't have started this thread).

Has your Master ever asked to bring in another sub?



slavejali -> RE: Jealousy (6/13/2006 1:29:48 AM)

No, the topic has never come up. The fact we were both one-on-one type people was a known thing from the beginning.



MissDiandSirHugh -> RE: Jealousy (6/13/2006 1:31:17 AM)

We would have to agree with what Padriag has told you on the reason your master droped the idea of introduceing another Sub into the house hold and add that he has made it clear to you that in His eyes you are the one he wishes to enjoy what ever that may be with firstly.
Which in our mind does not make him weak but shows his strength in needing to show you this part of Him.
As to the 2nd question you ask no matter what relation ship any of us are in both M/s or Vanilla we are still all human and have feelings on so many subjects both detramental and advantagious to these relationships which we all have to learn to control and over-come at times.
The 3rd question is a much harder one we feel to answer because firstly the Submissive has to learn to control emotions in them selves or try to understand why they feel as they do,then probably sit and have indepth talks with their Master on what ever is troubleing them and be wiling to open up completly and explain what made them feel that way




litleone8620 -> RE: Jealousy (6/13/2006 1:34:55 AM)

It's important to know up front what you're each going to expect from each other. Understandable.



bandit25 -> RE: Jealousy (6/13/2006 2:30:54 AM)

I don't know that one can truly control jealousy...you are either a jealous person or you're not.  I don't see him as weak.  I agree with the others,.



SirCumsSlut -> RE: Jealousy (6/13/2006 3:29:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620

I'm sure jealousy has been talked about over and over again, but since i'm new here, and haven't been here for the other threads, i'm starting another one.

When my Master and i got together He told me eventually He would bring in another sub to join us. At the time, i was ok with it. But as our relationship blossomed and grew, i learned i would be jealous of any other submissive that would come into the relationship, no matter how secure i was with my Master.

W/we talked, and discussed and He said He was ok with not bringing in another subbie. I've been told this made Him weak. By giving into his submissive's wishes, He is bringing Himself down to my level. I was hoping to get the opinion of Dominants for this question.

I know where jealousy stems from, and it's a very ugly emotion. I've come to terms with my own jealous feelings i would have if another subbie was to come into my relationship. I plan on reintroducing the topic to my Master when i'm feeling more secure in O/our relationship, which is still far off.

My other question is this: Is there room in an M/s relationship for jealousy? Or is it even expected on both the Dominant's and submissive's parts?

I'm asking this question for the sole purpose to learn about the aspects of jealousy in an M/s relationship. I am not talking about myself. I hope i'm not offending anyone by clarifying that, since it wasn't intended as such.





Your Master is definitely not weak.  Quite the opposite really, he is doing what a good Dominant should do and that is listen to the feelings of his or her sub or slave and take those feelings into consideration when making a decisions such as the one you talk about.
 
For Master and I, jealousy is not a problem.  We had attempted to add another sub to our family (sadly she was a whack job and luckily we found out before it got to committed) and in all actuality she was the jealous one.  She did all she could to divide Master and I. Her jealousy ranged from telling Sir I said one thing and telling me she never said it to bitching to me about Sir and being as sweet as honey to him,  and as you can see it did not work. 
 
It is good that you are willing to rediscuss this with your Sir in the future.  Jealousy in any relationship is a FUGLY thing, and shows the insecurities of each "jealous" individual.  Not many would be willing to open their minds and work on these insecurities as you have.  That is a high honor to your Sir and his teachings.  For some would not be so willing to do a self examination of their insecurities.  So when some idiot says to you that your Sir is weak for taking your feelings into account, just smile and say to yourself  "Fuck em and Feed em fish heads"!
 

 
 



litleone8620 -> RE: Jealousy (6/13/2006 3:45:47 AM)

Excellent advice. [:D]  I never understood why anyone would call His decision weak, but i guess it shows that those who WOULD call Him weak, are in fact, weak themselves.



Smythe -> RE: Jealousy (6/13/2006 3:58:39 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620

How can a Dominant help a submissive come to terms with being jealous?

Again, just for informational purposes only. Not talking about myself.





The only real way out of jealousy is to be in the relationship so long that you know (FEEL) to what extent you can trust your partner with another. He can tell you all he wants that you have nothing to worry about, but until you feel that, you will be jealous

However, I don't know where the idea came from that jealousy is bad or destructive. It is human, something we all feel to some extent. you and your master should just accept this as who you are and part of the relationship and work from there.

By doing just that, I think he showed his value as a wise and flexible man. (Also, you might just ask him how he would feel about you having a second master and see how that works for him!)

best
Smythe




litleone8620 -> RE: Jealousy (6/13/2006 4:05:21 AM)

I'm sure He wouldn't be too happy about my asking for another Master. And i think that would help Him understand where i'm coming from. Just like at the beginning of our relationship He talked about having another subbie, we discussed about Him sharing me. That topic was dropped after our jealousy talk.



feastie -> RE: Jealousy (6/13/2006 4:27:17 AM)

Your Master is not weak.  The idea that a submissive cannot express her emotions, her feelings, her ideas and her Master choose to honor them is honestly, just plain stupid.  Whoever said that, yeah...run from that one.

I've done poly and it's just not a healthy situation for me.  It wasn't even a live-in deal, but it didn't matter, it did bad things to my emotional self.  Therefore, I have a standing rule to make sure that it is well known I am uninterested in poly.  If that's a deal breaker, then so be it. 



smilezz -> RE: Jealousy (6/13/2006 4:39:07 AM)

quote:

How can a Dominant help a submissive come to terms with being jealous?

By doing the next right thing.  Being true to his word.  If he goes out to play with another girl and says he will be home at 10:00, he should be home at 10.  It's constant assurance, it's doing the next right thing.  Lots of communication, lot's of re-assurance.
If a Dominant decides to take on another girl, it does not necessarily have to be he is bringing her into the home to live there.  He could be just playing with multiple partners, he could keep a girl outside of the home.  It truly varies. 
Jealousy kicks in when one thinks they are being replaced.  Constant communication from the Dominant is essential.  Once you see him doing the next right thing, doing what he says he is going to do........jealousy diminishes.  Does it ever go away?  ehh, i'm not so sure about that, but by that Dominant doing what he says he will do.............makes a HUGE difference.

~smilezz~



ExistentialSteel -> RE: Jealousy (6/13/2006 4:39:10 AM)

The complexity of bringing another sub into your relationship is something your Master is apparently aware of. He realizes the effect it would have on you and has decided that it is not best. It is not only his concern that you would be jealous. He knows you on many levels and believes you may lose something in a less than monogamous setting, something that would affect the current relationship.

Your other question of how a Master can help a sub overcome jealousy in a poly situation seems pretty simple to me. He tells her he is bringing someone else in, meaning that the dynamics of the relationship have changed. She can accept it or not. Many are in poly relationships where the subs find security and excitement at the same time as they participate with the same Master. Many subs can't accept poly and leave. Your Master possibly felt you couldn't accept it and chose to keep you.



sabswife -> RE: Jealousy (6/13/2006 4:40:01 AM)

if my Dom wanted to bring in another sub, i would flip.  i am very monogamous and i expect that in return, this is something that was discussed and agreed upon with my Dom from the beginning.  i am admittedly very jealous... but really if i look at it, i have everything i could ever want wrapped up in Him, and i never want to lose it.  if that makes me jealous, so be it.



littlechameleon -> RE: Jealousy (6/13/2006 5:50:50 AM)

I’m currently seeking another girl to join my Master and me.  I have to be honest, ideally, for me, this would be a relationship built first on friendship and compatibility.  It would also be a sweet submissive girl who would join us on occasion and then go home.
As far as living in a home with my Master and another girl – I’d accept it if this is what He wanted.  It wouldn’t be easy but I would be more than willing to work on my own mixed feelings.  There are two reasons why I’m not sure it’s something I could truly be happy with.  I think it’s more about insecurity in myself than it is about jealousy or insecurity about the relationship.  I also have a natural dislike for woman in general.  I find most of us to be catty bitches.  So, the whole ‘sister’ concept doesn’t really work for me. 
Anyway, I would agree with Becca33 who said, “There's nothing weak in adapting to a situation.  He'd be weaker if he threw away a good relationship for the chance of something that might never happen



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