What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relationship Dynamic? (Full Version)

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FieryOpal -> What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relationship Dynamic? (10/10/2014 5:38:37 AM)

There are two parts to this question. First, referencing a thread from earlier this year,

1. "What are you willing to compromise?" for the right partner http://www.collarchat.com/m_4623724/mpage_1/tm.htm , and then

2.(a) What have you compromised for your partner for the sake of bettering your D/s relationship dynamic, and (b) did it strengthen your commitment to one another or did things not work out as intended?

I shall add to this discussion topic later on once others have had a chance to describe their own personal experiences.



GoddessManko -> RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relationship Dynamic? (10/10/2014 6:45:49 AM)

Hmmm... good OP Fiery, this one makes me thoughtful. I can talk about initially and thereafter into the relationship.
Distance, thankfully I have always had the flexibility to travel or relocate anywhere as long as it was within the US to be "close to family."
Financial circumstance; Some people are good, kind people but horribad with budgets, organization, credit, just important things to keep your counterpart from not wanting you near her credit, ever. In such a case I prefer to manage the finances of the household. I'm pretty efficient about such things.
Height, I'm 5'9 so that's a given, as tall as probably half of the male population. Plus I do like heels on occasion though I prefer my hiking boots or sneakers. Also fond of ornamental sandals.
Kids (live in/ part time- full time). Preferably without a roommate though, that's a soft limit for me.
Age, I have to have relative flexibility...7 years younger, 10 years older. 17 year difference altogether. (Am I trying hard enough yet?) [:D]
Out of ordinary circumstances beyond control. I care about character more than anything. I wonder about logistics, timeline(I hate hate hate wasting time), chemistry, and to sort of be realistic in a vacuum as in "is this beneficial for me? Does this make sense?" to sort of keep me grounded on examining the fundamentals despite initial attraction.

This is my list for before entering a dynamic, now in a dynamic;
Political leanings; it is fun to poke a stick at, but then some people get irrationally angry over dynamics they don't understand quite often.
Hard limits; we might try something, he may not like it, I let it go.
Availability; personally I like me time too so if he has a very busy schedule so be it.
Kink sustainability; one of us might have more of a kink clock than the other and I have found myself lately to care more about vanilla interests fundamentally than the kink itself.
To hear a fellow say "do with me what you will" is still the most exciting words I can hear. [;)]
Unexpected baggage, having to deal with an ex for one reason or another. I know this might come into play before a dynamic but some chicks are nuts and pop up while you're months into a relationship JUST BECAUSE. His way of handling it is important too.
This ties into above comment, but unwanted female attention, some gals are hungry, shameless and undignified; some guys get a lot of it, I get a lot of male attention, so he should be able to handle it like I do mine. Nip it in the damn bud and not encourage that disrespectful shit one iota. When I was out with my ex, these girls wouldn't let me enjoy my relationship for 5 mins, it was ridiculous. They were 10 times more aggressive than the guys on my end.
I have no idea beyond that...those are the very immediate things that come to mind. But again, great OP, really made me self examine there.



littleladybug -> RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relationship Dynamic? (10/10/2014 11:30:38 AM)

Very interesting questions.

Like most people (whether D, s, switch or "other"), I have my set of "wants" of a partner. I consider myself fortunate in that I have developed the perspective to be able to re-evaluate depending on the person I am interested in. Over the years, I've developed an ever-evolving list of "wants" vs. "must haves".

Overall, I'm willing to compromise a lot. Depends on the person I am with, though. I will move (and have moved) for the right person. But, due to my profession, a "large" move would have to be worth my while...big time. I have always had a thing for older men...for someone to be younger...again would have to be completely worth my while.

There are few things that I will NOT compromise on. I have two dogs and a cat. No ifs ands or buts, they come with me. Also, intelligence. Diplomas are not as important to me as the ability to carry on a conversation. If the conversation inevitably comes back to your cat or your minimum wage job, chances are we're not going to have much in common long term. Also, if you're not Dominant....not gonna happen.

In response to question 2: I guess the biggest compromise that I have made was to move. I moved 1000 miles...to be *near* him, not with him. It required me to basically start my profession over...but, looking back on it, I wouldn't change a thing. I don't know that I would do the same thing again though.






FieryOpal -> RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relationship Dynamic? (10/10/2014 2:28:08 PM)

Great, thoughtful responses, ladies. But now I'm wondering whether I shouldn't have worded this differently. More along the lines of What trade-offs are you willing to make to your pre-deal breakers in order to find the right partner? Then there's the matter of whether that person will actually turn out to be suitable once that compromise or those compromises have been made. On Blonderfluff's original OP, I had started off by posting that I wasn't willing to make much of any compromises because I didn't want to feel as though I had *settled* for less than what I wanted. I agree, littleladybug, that there are "Wants" and then there are "Must Haves." On further introspection, I had decided that rather than feeling as though I were *settling* for less, I would indeed be willing to make trade-offs in certain areas.

To me a pre-deal breaker is a set of fixed criteria that doesn't leave room for negotiation or for reconsideration. In my case, examples of this would be:

-- Must be totally straight. No fantasies or entertaining thoughts of non-hetero sexual relations. If he so much as gets wood fantasizing about "forced" bi and/or other questionable scenarios, this isn't the right candidate for me.
-- Must be completely monogamous and unattached. I'm a one-man woman and I expect my partner to be a one-woman man. I don't just own his ass, I want his total devotion and commitment as his Mistress. (Obviously, without conflicting with his job obligations, parental and other familial obligations such as being a dutiful son to an elderly or ill parent)
-- Must have a strong libido. Based on how he answers a number of (probing) questions, and given that within the mature age range I'm dealing, sexual inexperience or performance issues aren't an option.
-- Has to be gainfully employed with a track record of stability in his work history, with previous LTRs, and in his dealings with others for the most part. There can be extenuating circumstances, but they'd better be good ones that don't set off a red flag. [8D]

ETA: This wasn't specified, but I would hope that no compromise(s) would be necessary in assessing submission level or an acceptable level of submissiveness in a potential life partner, whether he turns out to be Mr. Right or merely Mr. Right Now.



InHisHeart -> RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relationship Dynamic? (10/10/2014 8:03:43 PM)

To even consider a partner, my #1 must have is.........he must love (or at least really like) animals and not have an issue with having multiple pets of various kinds. I do animal rescue work and I never know what kind of animal will be coming through the door with me at any given time. This is something I will not compromise on and I'll continue doing what I do until I'm no longer able to physically care for them or if I could no longer financially care for them. If he passed my animal questioner with flying colors then he has a chance with me. [;)]

Other must haves are libidos being the same or damn near close to the same which is high libido. I'm a very sexual person and I need the same in a partner.

Our physical activity level must also be the same and that's high, exercise, swimming, hiking, walking, etc. I'm very active and enjoy doing those things with my partner. Eating healthy most of the time is necessary, my health requires it. I couldn't be with someone who eats junk food, fast food, sweets all the time. We do indulge sometimes but I have to be careful and we don't over do it.

I'm financially stable and I want that in a partner also. Debt drives me insane, I can't relax, can't sleep if there's debt hanging over my head and I don't want a partner who doesn't have control over his finances, way too stressful. I don't depend on anyone else for financial support and I don't want a partner who has to depend on me financially.

The biggest compromise I have made in my relationship was moving 520 miles away from the town I was born in and always lived in to move in with him. He also compromised knowing that with me relocating, he fully accepted that I will travel often (about every 2 months) and stay back "home" for a few weeks at a time to visit my family, my sons and their families and friends I've had forever. This was one of the first things we discussed before we decided to go ahead with our relationship which started out as a LDR.

There were quite a few other things that I wouldn't call compromises but adjustments, some easy, some not so easy. I was with my former Dom/husband for over 20 years so in the beginning of this relationship it was difficult at times and somewhat frustrating at times for both of us while adjusting to the differences, a different life, letting go of what I was accustomed to doing for so long, learning and accepting what his expectations were and both of us learning each other's ways, what's acceptable, what isn't.

He was with his ex for 14 years and was on his own for 5 years after his divorce when we met so he had adjusting to do also leaving the bachelor life behind and living with a woman again.






DaddySatyr -> RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relationship Dynamic? (10/10/2014 8:18:18 PM)


"What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relationship Dynamic? "

Absolutely none. I don't compromise, anymore. I wait for partners whose ideals, behaviors, and desires meld wonderfully with mine.

I spent a good portion of my life trying to "compromise" because that's what society told us guys we had to do back in the 70s and 80s. Well, I don't have to compromise any more than a submissive lady has to compromise. We spend a lot of time on this site supporting submissives (especially the female ones) even when they've put themselves into bad situations with questionable decisions.

In my years here, I have specifically seen the words: "You have a right not to compromise your ..." many times. I happen to think that is excellent advice. NO ONE should compromise anything. Hold out for what you want because you deserve it and you're worth it.







Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?



Greta75 -> RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relationship Dynamic? (10/10/2014 8:28:32 PM)

I think it's not quantifiable.

With my x-dom, I compromised that his physically not my ideal man. What I mean is, I like tall and heavy man, but his short and skinny. His great personality made up for the lack of physical part. I just felt happy with him, his physical appearances kinda cease to be important.

But at the same time, I may not compromise the physical part for many other men, I have met a few others whom I seem to get along with and I like him alot, until I realise his too short or skinny, and then it's a deal breaker. Probably because while he is nice, but not spectacular enough in other areas to make up for the lack of physical must haves.

On the other end of the spectrum, physically perfect, lacking in other non-physical stuffs. That depends on how physically perfect he is and what is the other good non-physical parts.

I think the key thing is, I need a man who stimulates my mind, I've had really perfect physical fitting men, but I just can't get over the personality, the lack of mental connection I feel with them, so it's a no go as well.

Whereas, there was one physical perfection of a man who also stimulates me like crazy mentally, but lacking in other areas, like sexually incompatible, that I could have considered seriously for a life partner.

So yea, if a man mentally stimulates me to absolute excitement that I am always looking forward to his company, love his opinions and excited to hear what he has to say about everything, then, high chances are, alot of other things can be simply non-important.

But I seldom meet men who stimulates me mentally to that kind of proportions, so when I do meet him, his worth a billion bucks to me.

Of course other basic character flaws will be deal breakers, like gambling, drug addict, alcoholic, compulsive liar, lack of direction and ambition, a man who doesn't know what he wants etc etc And in BDSM, my hard limits needs to be strictly respected, I could not feel love for any man who's goal in life is to trespass my limits.

No, with my past relationships, I realise when I am inlove, I will do alot for the man, even if it's detrimental to me. I usually try to take all the sacrifices, rather than let him make the sacrifices. And when the relationship ends, I suffer the consequences of all the things I did that was good for him but bad for me. And until now, it's still a confusing delicate balance. You're trying to be completely self-less with him as much as possible, but it's all good if he never leaves, but it's all bad when he leaves, as you support him in all his dreams and everything he wants to achieve and you put aside your own aspirations and dreams so that he can have his. But things like that is complicated, some things can never be win win, one side has to sacrifice. But when I am inlove, I am usually naturally in the mode to wanna do whatever makes him happy and I honestly do not like the man I love sacrificing anything for me, I am uncomfortable with him giving up anything for me, I won't allow it, I love him, I should give up, not him. That's how I usually work.



GoddessManko -> RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relationship Dynamic? (10/10/2014 8:50:09 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr


"What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relationship Dynamic? "

Absolutely none. I don't compromise, anymore. I wait for partners whose ideals, behaviors, and desires meld wonderfully with mine.

I spent a good portion of my life trying to "compromise" because that's what society told us guys we had to do back in the 70s and 80s. Well, I don't have to compromise any more than a submissive lady has to compromise. We spend a lot of time on this site supporting submissives (especially the female ones) even when they've put themselves into bad situations with questionable decisions.

In my years here, I have specifically seen the words: "You have a right not to compromise your ..." many times. I happen to think that is excellent advice. NO ONE should compromise anything. Hold out for what you want because you deserve it and you're worth it.







Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?


If I was to follow your formula, I'd be waiting until my dying days for Chris Martin.But as soon as his split with Paltrow he's already hooked up with JLaw, cock block to the max.

And Fiery, I'm assuming maybe you mean sex/kink requirements? I have none, I like most things kinky so pretty flexible (and not just because of the hot yoga), lol. I'm flexible about gender as well. I need foundational compatibility, I'm pretty sure most of my kinks are on his/her list if not all.
Money isn't an issue, I have money and even when I don't, my family has money and I'm amazing at cutting corners and saving as much as thousands more each month. I trust me with the wallet more than most men or women. When it's on sale, I use it a lot, I buy in bulk. Then I don't have to restock for a while or spend more than I need to. I have a lot of dresses, shorts and shoes with tags still on them. But the holidays are coming up so we'll all be broke by January. Kidding.
Also I got into reselling items I want by buying in bulk and making a profit anyway. Pretty nifty way to have your cake and eat it too. Also learned home remedies for certain things as well as DIY craftsmanship to some degree.
Nothing like my old boss, she's 5'2 and built tables out of stables using power tools, herself.



DesFIP -> RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relationship Dynamic? (10/10/2014 9:04:04 PM)

Only minor stuff.
I was celibate for five years and fine with that. I would never settle just to be in a relationship.

He had to be as involved with his kids as I was with mine. My animals had to take to him. However, horses are big and unpredictable to people who aren't used to them, so I didn't demand he interact with them much.But if the dog had disliked him, we wouldn't have gotten together.

I'm a flaming liberal, there is no way I could have respected or liked someone who was diametrically opposed to me on what I consider important social issues.



DaddySatyr -> RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relationship Dynamic? (10/10/2014 9:29:05 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

If I was to follow your formula, I'd be waiting until my dying days for Chris Martin.But as soon as his split with Paltrow he's already hooked up with JLaw, cock block to the max.


I guess you're right. Only you would know. I know that for me, when I concentrate on meeting people with whom I don't need to compromise, the relationships are much more rewarding for both of us.







Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?



GoddessManko -> RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relationship Dynamic? (10/10/2014 11:17:36 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

I guess you're right. Only you would know. I know that for me, when I concentrate on meeting people with whom I don't need to compromise, the relationships are much more rewarding for both of us.




Well you're really lucky, have to hand it to ya. I have found that I have to become a marvel at the art of compromise to make life "work". If you're over 25 and you don't have any baggage, issues, shortcomings then you are a sea turtle.
Example, here's a conversation with my friend (snippet);
goddess.manko: omg so I met this amazing "sub"
goddess.manko: north of me...tally area
goddess.manko: he confided he has genital herpes
goddess.manko: porqueeeeeeeeeeee
goddess.manko: just my luck lol
goddess.manko: it was too perfect
subbie friend: damn!!!
goddess.manko: yes, seriously
goddess.manko: lol
subbie friend: thats not good at all
goddess.manko: well he was nice, sweet, kind
goddess.manko: it was bound to be a bombshell that equated to all those qualities
goddess.manko: lol
subbie friend: lol
goddess.manko: very honest to boot, since he told me
goddess.manko: lol
subbie friend: thats true (in reference to my "bombshell equates to those qualities" comment)
goddess.manko: hahahahaha thanks for making me lose hope in your gender completely







seekingOwnertoo -> RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relationship Dynamic? (10/11/2014 6:50:49 AM)

Hmm ... really interesting question ...

Understand I am a male and call myself a "submissive/slave"

No Compromise:

1. Morals and values. Cannot trust without those.

2. Intelligence. Cannot relate without it.

3. My personal integrity and all that encompasses it.

4. my 16 year old Tomcat. (he has no one else)

5. Retirement contributions.

Would consider compromising:

1. My current living location

2. Control over joint finances ( I am a skin flint ... and store things in Mr. Benny's vault ... so this would be tuff) [:D]

3. Job ... that's tuff to do too ... cause make good money.

4. And my toy in the picture to the left ...


Otherwise I think I would be open.







seekingOwnertoo -> RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relationship Dynamic? (10/11/2014 6:58:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko


quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

I guess you're right. Only you would know. I know that for me, when I concentrate on meeting people with whom I don't need to compromise, the relationships are much more rewarding for both of us.




Well you're really lucky, have to hand it to ya. I have found that I have to become a marvel at the art of compromise to make life "work". If you're over 25 and you don't have any baggage, issues, shortcomings then you are a sea turtle.




INDEED! or else you are a cat! [;)]









DaddySatyr -> RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relationship Dynamic? (10/11/2014 7:59:37 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

Well you're really lucky, have to hand it to ya. I have found that I have to become a marvel at the art of compromise to make life "work". If you're over 25 and you don't have any baggage, issues, shortcomings then you are a sea turtle.



Now, you're being disingenuous (at best). We're talking romantic relationships and you take my statement and say that I live my entire life that way.

I am no stranger to compromise in lots of situations. I just won't compromise when it comes to my romantic life (and I'm doin' just fine, thank you).

I've tried to give you quarter but you've lived up to your billing. Here's another Japanese word for ye: Sayonara!







Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?



seekingOwnertoo -> RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relationship Dynamic? (10/11/2014 8:26:27 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr


quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

Well you're really lucky, have to hand it to ya. I have found that I have to become a marvel at the art of compromise to make life "work". If you're over 25 and you don't have any baggage, issues, shortcomings then you are a sea turtle.



Now, you're being disingenuous (at best). We're talking romantic relationships and you take my statement and say that I live my entire life that way.

I am no stranger to compromise in lots of situations. I just won't compromise when it comes to my romantic life (and I'm doin' just fine, thank you).

I've tried to give you quarter but you've lived up to your billing. Here's another Japanese word for ye: Sayonara!




So like what are you saying, DaddySatyr?

Seems to me she said some nice things ... so like ...


I find these words of yours offensive ... am I mistaking them ?

"I've tried to give you quarter but you've lived up to your billing"

I believe she is a great Lady ... are you suggesting She is not?











DesFIP -> RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relationship Dynamic? (10/11/2014 2:52:14 PM)

I was 48 when I met The Man. And have plenty of baggage and issues. It still didn't mean I was willing to compromise on what was important to me.

Again, I was not so desperate for a relationship that I was willing to settle for less than having my needs met, for less than an extraordinary amount of compatibility.

What I was willing to do was be happy alone rather than get into another wrong relationship.



Mistycalm -> RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relationship Dynamic? (10/12/2014 11:57:14 AM)

Interesting responses lol.

I am 47, have not been in a relationship for 16yrs. Not because my 'demands in a partner' are outrageous, but because like some have said, I refuse to compromise on the key issues.
Honesty
Integrity
Loyalty

I have found that those three issues seem to be lacking in most men/women.

I am patient though. As already stated, I deserve what I want [:)]



GoddessManko -> RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relationship Dynamic? (10/12/2014 1:44:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr


quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

Well you're really lucky, have to hand it to ya. I have found that I have to become a marvel at the art of compromise to make life "work". If you're over 25 and you don't have any baggage, issues, shortcomings then you are a sea turtle.



Now, you're being disingenuous (at best). We're talking romantic relationships and you take my statement and say that I live my entire life that way.

I am no stranger to compromise in lots of situations. I just won't compromise when it comes to my romantic life (and I'm doin' just fine, thank you).

I've tried to give you quarter but you've lived up to your billing. Here's another Japanese word for ye: Sayonara!




So like what are you saying, DaddySatyr?

Seems to me she said some nice things ... so like ...


I find these words of yours offensive ... am I mistaking them ?

"I've tried to give you quarter but you've lived up to your billing"

I believe she is a great Lady ... are you suggesting She is not?



Thanks seekingOwnertoo, the sentiment is requited. What I find intensely amusing about this is three things;
1. That people waste their lives discussing my "billing" to begin with, thanks for the ego stroke.
2. That they think I care that they do. (HUGE LOL!)
3. He wasn't intelligent enough to notice that you requited the same sentiment BUT replaced "sea turtle" with CAT. Reading is fundamental. But then, it's all so very telling, and it tickles me to no end.



seekingOwnertoo -> RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relationship Dynamic? (10/12/2014 3:55:43 PM)


There used to be more than one, Female Dominant, with whom many male Dom's disagreed with here.

Thinking its natural when men feel they are superior, and women do too! [:D] [:D] [:D]

That said, i feel Daddy Satyr simply misread/misunderstood what you were saying.

And i feel the disconnect is that You compromise in all aspects of life; including romantic. He doesn't ...

Plus he may have felt You were a bit non-chalant with wording your reply.

myself, I know You are a great Lady! Moreover, i find i have to compromise with Ladies, every day. [:)]

Yikes! All of my bosses are Female! [:D] [:D] [:D]

So i get very used to doing so ...

Have a great evening! [:)] And best wishes! [;)]





seekingOwnertoo -> RE: What Compromises Are Acceptable in Your D/s Relationship Dynamic? (10/12/2014 4:02:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

3. He wasn't intelligent enough to notice that you requited the same sentiment BUT replaced "sea turtle" with CAT. Reading is fundamental. But then, it's all so very telling, and it tickles me to no end.






He noticed, he was smart enough to stand down ... give him credit for that.

trust me.

NOW PLEASE ADDRESS THE OP'S QUESTION ... IT SHOULD HAVE MANY MORE RESPONSES! [:)] [:)]





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