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contracts, necessary or not? - 7/17/2006 4:53:17 PM   
hisforever


Posts: 81
Joined: 7/8/2006
Status: offline 		My Dom and I are fairly new at this relationship and have talked about a contract, though he doesnt care either way if we do one or not.  I am not sure either, now many of you have contracts, how formal or informal are they, and do you find them necessary?  Thanks for any advice in advance!
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RE: contracts, necessary or not? - 7/17/2006 4:58:34 PM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		They are not legal in any way, and as some have pointed out, could be used against your Dom in the event of a domestic violence complaint. I don't see any point in one, but I am sure others have differing opinions.

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RE: contracts, necessary or not? - 7/17/2006 5:15:52 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Master and I don't care about, or need a contract.  I've been his for over two years now and we function well without one.

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RE: contracts, necessary or not? - 7/17/2006 5:27:53 PM   
Caretakr


Posts: 1221
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline 		It's best to simply have a clear understanding of what is expected.

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RE: contracts, necessary or not? - 7/17/2006 5:30:49 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Not "neccessary" for me but I'd do it if it makes the sub feel more owned.

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RE: contracts, necessary or not? - 7/17/2006 5:32:11 PM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		I don't see the need, but if you want it, do it.

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RE: contracts, necessary or not? - 7/17/2006 5:32:31 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I am not "owned" yet, although I am exclusively involved. I do not think we will have a contract ever anyways.. but everyone has different needs

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RE: contracts, necessary or not? - 7/17/2006 5:36:08 PM   
LokisBrat


Posts: 431
Joined: 12/5/2005
From: Mayberry, Illinois
Status: offline 		Expressing verbal communication leading to clear expectations, leaves no paper trail.

LOKI


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RE: contracts, necessary or not? - 7/17/2006 5:36:54 PM   
MrThorns


Posts: 919
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hisforever

My Dom and I are fairly new at this relationship and have talked about a contract, though he doesnt care either way if we do one or not.  I am not sure either, now many of you have contracts, how formal or informal are they, and do you find them necessary?  Thanks for any advice in advance!


Smilezz and I have been together for years and we don't have a contract.  I have considered the idea, but honestly, I think it is far more important to be able to effectively communicate with your slave than to draw up a contract...and I feel that a contract can (at times) be an obstacle to effective communication.

Good luck,

~Thorns

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RE: contracts, necessary or not? - 7/17/2006 5:46:26 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hisforever

My Dom and I are fairly new at this relationship and have talked about a contract, though he doesnt care either way if we do one or not. I am not sure either, now many of you have contracts, how formal or informal are they, and do you find them necessary? Thanks for any advice in advance!



I insist upon them. The length of the contract depends on the time in the relationship. Right now Fox and I have two sentences and we know that all previous contracts, all the details, all his training, remains in effect until I say otherwise or until he leaves.

I find the process of writing things out helps clarify a lot for both parties. When I train I find them to be valuable references for the trainee -- something he/she can refer to at home when practicing various skills and reviewing my rules. If they are written down in my own words far less risk his/her memory will create something I did not say or did not train.

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RE: contracts, necessary or not? - 7/17/2006 5:46:30 PM   
hisforever


Posts: 81
Joined: 7/8/2006
Status: offline 		thank you all for your responses.  I have read a lot about people drawing up contracts, and really didnt see a huge need for it, providing both parties communicate well.  Thank you all.

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RE: contracts, necessary or not? - 7/17/2006 6:02:19 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		They are not necessary, but to me, I would not want to miss out on the, unique to our lifestyle, opportunity's a contract can offer:
 
  • A contract can help you craft and unify your collective vision
  • A contract can be very erotic to power ex, orientated folks
  • A contract can offer an inroad to a deeper level of intimacy by allowing everybody's cards to be put on the table
  • A contract can offer a tool to really look at perspective pitfalls and put in place solutions
  • A contract can be informative in that you get to really see in black and white what you are both signing up for
  • A contract makes your commitment to each other clear which, when you hit bumps in the road, will be a source of strength

And my favorite....A contract is a ritual that is unique to our type of loving, and  it anchors and celebrates this giant milestone in your lives.
 
I also like working with time frames when using contracts because it eases the drasticness of the transition you are about to make....saying "i will give you all my power for the next three months" is easier on the psyche then to say "i will give you all my power for the rest of my life"....it is also good for the doms to have such time frames because they can really try a sub out and see if it is a good fit...
 
I like thinking of contract as planning a garden....some plants are for nourishment, some are for the aesthetics, some bloom right away and some things takes years to be cultivated and to bear fruit....by mapping out what both people want and need you simply have a better shot at creating something that sustains you mind body and soul.
 
I think it is important to have a unified vision in any relationship but in D/s doubly so. Contracts offer a special unique time to really dial in what each person is willing and and able to bring to the table in the relationship, and to offer something of a road map to getting where both people want to go.
 
Two things to keep in mind:
 
For the slave: This very well could be the last decisions you are ever going to make in your relationship, so dont waste this opportunity to make them.
 
For the Dom: A dominant will have the highest chance of success if he takes every opportunity in the early stages to anchor the slave head space.
 
I was saying to someone last night that D/s has so many tried and true traditions for a reason...these were intelligent men and women that have gone before us and figured a lot of good shit out....and so why try to reinvent the wheel?

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RE: contracts, necessary or not? - 7/17/2006 6:08:38 PM   
littlesarbonn


Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline 		Just one comment off the original post. If your dom isn't all that interested in a contract, having one might not be all that advantageous. I was with a domme once who felt that a contract was a requirement, because she had been told by people that she should have one. In the end, she walked away from the contract like it had never been there in the first place. If the person doesn't buy into the importance of the contract, having one might not be all that significant.

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RE: contracts, necessary or not? - 7/17/2006 6:20:37 PM   
Littlepita


Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline 		Well said CrouchingTigeress!

My Dom wanted us to have a contract and I certainly didn't oppose it. He is much more into rituals and us having a contract was our initial step to really defining what we wanted out of our D/s. We looked at contracts online and even took one and sort of revised it. But, it really wasn't good enough and the writer in my Dom took over and he composed a beautiful contract that is tailor made for us.

We review our contract every three months and will for our first year. After our year we hope to be able to greatly condensed the contract into a couple of lines that state exactly what we want.

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RE: contracts, necessary or not? - 7/17/2006 6:39:22 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		I am so with you on that...i looked at the contracts available on line and well...and they were interesting but not very real feeling.
 
I am with your master, craft your own living document, this is a document that is not set in granite, this document grows and changes as the two people do. And i love the idea of checking in every three months, because forever is such a long time but any one can do most anything for 3 months...
 
It is my personal opinion that check-ins and time-frames lead to less 'reactance', which as i understand the word to mean, means, less resistance that a slave experiences as he/she learns to align herself with the will of her owner as he/she overrides her own ego and will....which i know from experience can be terrifying.
 
What makes it less terrifing is knowing that the Dom is also bound to the agreements of the contract and if folks are smart there are consequences written in for the dominant if he/she breaks his end of the bargain.






quote:

ORIGINAL: Littlepita

Well said CrouchingTigeress!

My Dom wanted us to have a contract and I certainly didn't oppose it. He is much more into rituals and us having a contract was our initial step to really defining what we wanted out of our D/s. We looked at contracts online and even took one and sort of revised it. But, it really wasn't good enough and the writer in my Dom took over and he composed a beautiful contract that is tailor made for us.

We review our contract every three months and will for our first year. After our year we hope to be able to greatly condensed the contract into a couple of lines that state exactly what we want.


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Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




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RE: contracts, necessary or not? - 7/17/2006 7:23:36 PM   
Daddysredhead


Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline 		Daddy and I do not have one, however, we read several of them to just see what kinds of things were in them.

We made vows to each other when He collared me, which are solid, and pretty much stated what some people state in a contract.  We had known each other for almost 3 years though before He collared me, so we knew each other very well, and what the expectations were and where we wanted to go in the relationship.

However, there are some who really enjoy having a contract and I think that is wonderful, esp. if they can incorporate the signing of it in their collaring ceremony or ritual.

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RE: contracts, necessary or not? - 7/17/2006 7:49:42 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		The only thing necessary for a relationship is for you to agree to there being a relationship.

For the most part it's pretty words that show a person's intentions and feelings towards another.

But, like wedding vows, for people who take it seriously, who actually work it out together, not just slap a few itnernet passages on it and sign it with heart-dotted i's, who take it out and refurbish it every few months, who take the time to really think through the consequences of what they are agreeing to- yes it can be quite useful.

I find most people just like the idea of contracts and end up feeling trapped by them- just like so many like the idea of being collared only to find the situation completely wrong a few months later.

I don't have a use for contracts myself.

http://www.collarchat.com/tm.asp?m=425700&mpage=1&key=contracts&#425768
bdsm contracts

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RE: contracts, necessary or not? - 7/17/2006 7:52:26 PM   
fyrekittyn


Posts: 282
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: Memphis, TN
Status: offline 		I personally have no use for contracts. I have been collared and had a contract before, and it was interesting. To me, just because something was written down, doesn't make it any more real than anything else.

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RE: contracts, necessary or not? - 7/17/2006 8:42:14 PM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		My universal statement reguarding contracts follows, LOL

Seriously the value of a contract is not in the finished product but in the negotiations that go into what will and will not be in the contract. The contract is only the end product the really important thing is how you come to the agreement on what it contains the expectations and resposnsibilites of both parties. How hard was the fight to get the right to call your family X times a month? How difficult was giving up the right to control the color/ length of your hair? It is the offers, counter offers, and design of the contrat that tell you what kind of person is behind the document.

In Leather

Archer

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RE: contracts, necessary or not? - 7/17/2006 9:01:08 PM   
Kree


Posts: 118
Joined: 6/13/2006
Status: offline 		I dont see the necessity of a formal contract to define a relationship.  As one person posted in this thread, someone wanted a contract, then walked away from it.  On another thread, we have seen where someone set up a contract and tries to use it to force his submissive into compliance instead of listening to her and working through problems.  A contract has no validity if both arent in agreement and if it has no defined method of negotiation.  If I did wish to create a contract, I would want it set up to expire in 3-6 months and then need to be re-written.  Perhaps the second try would need a re-write in 12 months.  I do not care how long two people have known each other or lhow long they have been together, when they move under the same roof, real life brings unforseen issues that a contract can not anticipate.  Time brings unforseen issues. 

I would not call it a contract or anything formal, but some type of agreement that addresses the basic understanding between two people might have value.  It is NOT the end all/be all for defining a relationship, but rather a place where two people can return to when the relationship drifts away from its beginnings.  By looking at the beginning, people can examine where they began and look at where they have gone.  Often, it is those basic things that get lost and confused.  By writing those down as vows, an agreement, or pick a name for it, people can return to a place where they were both content with the relationship and work together to inprove it. 

< Message edited by Kree -- 7/17/2006 9:02:43 PM >

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