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quote:
ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
Stephan,
I find the point you make regarding "romantic, emotional elements" is the reason that contracts are not only a good idea but necessary especially at the beginning of a relationship. Most often when people meet it's all about romance and emotions with the hope and possibility of it blossoming into love. "Most often" at least is a when an ongoing relationship is a common goal. Usually both parties are on their "best behavior" trying to make a good impression. You share smiles, relate experiences, and discuss things openly. What better time to establish an understanding of each other's expectations and image of the "ideal" relationship?
Consider that most, if not all, consummated and publicly acknowledged relationships have "contracts". Within the context of marriage they are called "vows", there is no difference, except most people can't remember and don't expect to live by those vows, even when they've authored them. Most of the time it's for the audience, not for the couple. An important distinction with a lifestyle contract primarily for only the people involved.
A contract taken serious between a Dom/sub, or Master/slave is a relationship foundation that can be a relationship guide as well as a reference when problems come up. It reminds the parties involved, because they don't necessarily have to be limited to two people, of what was important enough to write down when the romance and emotions ran at a fever pitch. It established a place to go in your mind to focus on what should be the highest importance in your life when life's distractions try to distract you.
Yes, beth and I have a "Contract" with rules. We are fast approaching the third anniversary of our signing it. Signed and framed, it's hung and holds a place of prominence in our home.
I don't say a contract is, or should be a requirement. Out of the gate, the process sure is a great way to gain deep insight about your potential mate. Ongoing it is a good tool for focus. Ultimately it provides a nostalgic physical written reminder that may help bring back memories harder to remember as the years pass. Are any of these things bad? beth reads out-loud our contract every day as part of a daily ritual I have for her. Redundant? Of course YES! Some of life's redundancies aren't so bad and negative. Sometimes something redundant daily is stabilizing and anticipated with pleasure.
Not trying to convince you or anyone, just trying to provide an alternative perspective to the nay sayers.
Merc n beth,
I completely understand your point of view, and for many couples here, that's a great way to ensure that vital communication occurs. I wasn't trying to naysay, in fact I thought I was in the minority, as it seems (or at least used to seem) that anyone who was serious about TPE had to have a nineteen page certified document (framed, and hung on the wall ) to demonstrate their sincerity; and that any couple who didn't have a contract were really just dabbling or part timers.
From my point of view, I've just known a number of people who seem to rely on their contract to define their relationship, almost as a substitute for communication. The top simply issuing regulations, or the slave writing a list of things desired in the relationship, and than seeking out a compatible partner to fulfill those particular expectations. My personal issue with this is in seeking out someone who specifically meets the contract, there can be a loss of flexibility, and spontenaity. Relationships end up cardboard cutouts, like Barbie and Ken, where the focus is on "What my Dom/sub is in my head" vice a focus on learning who the person really is.
Gretchen had absolutely no experience with BDSM or Ds when I met her (gretchen: even though I had tied myself up and used ice on my clit, pulled my own hair, asked boyfriends to spank me - but doing it alone is just boring. In this country it's difficult to 1) find a person who you can trust with that kind of thing, and 2) who would be willing to share in the interest!) She didn't know any of the terms, and only had a vague idea of what I was talking about when I first told her about it (over a month after I met her.) The night we first met, she practically had 'slave' on her forehead, but I had decided that if I ever wanted to have a functioning Ds relationship, I had to start with the emotional and mental connection.
Since then, it's always been our emotional and mental connection that binds us. This doesn't mean we don't have agreements on certain issue (we're a monogamous couple, for example) or that we don't have rituals (like making coffee, certain positions, and ways of speaking.) It just means that we don't strive to place artificial boundries or contraints, and set them in stone. It isn't kink that binds us, but love. This is the crux of the contract issue, I think. Using a relationship to replace or gloss over intimacy and honest conversations can totally destroy a relationship (or ensure that one never forms in the first place.)
Just my 2 cents.
Stephan
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"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche
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RE: Contracts - who uses them? - 
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