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Calling All Perfectionist Submissives - 1/19/2007 8:56:06 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		So you are a perfectionist? Do you think this is related to your submissive nature? I used to be a perfectionist, in fact I went into therapy because I was not ever "good" enough. Here I had like this outrageously high GPA, I have a family that loved me, and I have many other good qualities... and I never quite felt it was "good" enough... I wanted to be better, to be more.

In reading all of you I realized I was not alone in this. LA has posted more than once how we are mostly an  anal retentive lot... but for about a year or so something kinda strange happened.... I lost my perfectionism... it is almost like I lost my religion or something!

I am not anal anymore, I feel as though I am entirely good enough the way that I am, I no longer have to be the "best" at things... and the most disconcerting thing of all, I do not care if I am right anymore or if I make mistakes anymore. I am patient with me.

I do not know if it is my burgeoning relationship with my Daddy, or if it is something else, but it has been a paradigm shift in my awareness. This is also a trait that I closely associated with my submissiveness... this part of me that always strived to please, to be perfect... and it is no longer there. I still desire to be submissive to my Daddy, I still feel that is who I am to him and it feels right and it feels good... but I wonder about something because I lost this perfectionist edge.... would I ever desire to be submissive to anyone else? I do not think I would.

Anyways, I do not know if this makes sense or not... just wanting to see if others have went through something similar... and why it is they think they changed.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 1/19/2007 8:58:04 PM >

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RE: Calling All Perfectionist Submissives - 1/19/2007 9:19:36 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
Do you think this is related to your submissive nature?

No, its related to my insecure nature which feels a need to try and control EVERYTHING in order to feel at peace and that somehow if I get EVERYTHING right and do EVERYTHING that I can- then all will be well with the world.

It's also a fairly self-centered perspective to have.

quote:

Anyways, I do not know if this makes sense or not... just wanting to see if others have went through something similar... and why it is they think they changed.

Over time I have been able to let go of a lot.  I've been able to see how irrational my perfectionism is, how selfish it is to suggest that *I* somehow must get it all perfect, that *I* somehow am the only one who can get it all right, and how truly miserable it is to live life thinking that it's only good if it's perfect.

But I'm still a perfectionist about a lot of things, I still got those layers of insecurities.  Part of why I'm blessed to have a partner who tells me how silly I am when they crop up. 

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RE: Calling All Perfectionist Submissives - 1/19/2007 9:26:20 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		You are right, it is self centered, not that being self centered is always a bad thing (I do not think that it is), but it is a negative form of being so in my opinion.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: Calling All Perfectionist Submissives - 1/19/2007 9:38:17 PM   
mewmew


Posts: 37
Joined: 6/25/2006
Status: offline 		never good enough...oh yeah. that resonates. i still feel it, though not as acutely as i once did. no matter how good i had/have it, there's always something not quite right. at times i'm almost afraid, waiting for 'the other shoe' to drop, so to speak, when the illusion unravels. so, i have worked extra hard to try to be as perfect as possible that i may please those i love. i totally get why you equate perfectionism with submission, as i have this thing about throwing the world - and myself - at my beloved's feet...and dang it if i don't want the presentation to be worthy! sometimes i see glimmers at the end of the tunnel, though, and that is why i agree that perhaps in a fulfilled state, some subs are better able to cease beating themselves up about it and just let it ride. the dominant who's been actively courting me lately has a wonderfully honest, matter-of-fact way of making me feel like the perfect girl (at least, perfect enough for him!). when i know that just being me is good enough, i begin to realize that i can turn the reins over to him, take a load off of my mind, and get back to the business of being myself. it sounds like a cliche sometimes, but i find that there really is a tremendous amount of freedom and relief in submission.

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RE: Calling All Perfectionist Submissives - 1/19/2007 9:46:39 PM   
MstrssScarlet


Posts: 633
Joined: 6/3/2005
From: Indianapolis, Indiana
Status: offline 		LA and Juliaoceania, you guys are probably beating yourselves up for nothing.  It sounds like obssessive compulsive (disorder / tendancies).   Does it get worse when you're under stress?  Juliaoceania, you say that it suddenly seemed to get better when your relationship with your 'Daddy' improved.  When you're relaxed and happy, it will tend to ease up or even disappear.  It's not that you're self centered - it's an attempt to control things around you when you can't control something going on with you personally. 

<<<No, its related to my insecure nature which feels a need to try and control EVERYTHING in order to feel at peace and that somehow if I get EVERYTHING right and do EVERYTHING that I can- then all will be well with the world.>>>   Classic!

Of course I could be wrong, but I've struggled with the same thing most of my life.
Mistress Scarlet

< Message edited by MstrssScarlet -- 1/19/2007 9:49:31 PM >

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RE: Calling All Perfectionist Submissives - 1/19/2007 9:53:47 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssScarlet
<<<No, its related to my insecure nature which feels a need to try and control EVERYTHING in order to feel at peace and that somehow if I get EVERYTHING right and do EVERYTHING that I can- then all will be well with the world.>>>   Classic!

Of course I could be wrong, but I've struggled with the same thing most of my life.
Mistress Scarlet

Oh no, I've been moderately OCD since I was at least 8.  OCD is essentially a disorder brought about due to lack of security and trying to find a way to cope with feeling out of control. 

While I no longer am compelled to count steps, or eat my hair, or make clicking noises or other things, it took a lot of cognitive and behavioral processing on my part to get there.  And it's still very much a part of me.  Unless you are with me for a very long time and I show them to you, it's not really noticeable- but it's very much there.

We've discussed OCD and such in other threads as well.  But it's good to point out that OCD is only ONE somewhat extreme path that perfectionism may take.  As always of course, most people have OCD-type quirks, but that does not mean they have a disorder. 

More common I find in submissives is simply making all their time and lives about gaining approval from others and trying to be "the rock" for everyone else- not allowing themselves to be or appear weak, or demand their own needs and desires be fulfilled.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Calling All Perfectionist Submissives - 1/19/2007 10:04:47 PM   
BabyNyla


Posts: 578
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline
I am a freak.  My house was always spotless ... I was like martha stewart on crack ... a joke between my friends and I.  I also had (and still have) lots of odd habits.  When I listen to the tv or the radio, the volume has to be on an even number ... I have to take pills and brush my teeth at the same exact times everyday ... I won't write on paper without lines, so that I don't risk it not being straight ... I have a 4.0 GPA in Grad school ... I could go on forever.
 
The first time I noticed I was too *crazy* was one night after a punishment.  I hate to be abandoned and left alone.  My Dom put me in a cage in the dungeon, turned the light off and left.  I broke down and sobbed hysterically.  He came in, thinking I was so upset about him leaving (which would normally be the case) ... but ... the reason for my tears?  I was going to miss taking my pills and brushing my teeth and it would have to wait till later.  OMG ... I had never felt like more of a freak in my life.  I am still struggling with a lot of these odd behaviors I have.  Luckily, since being with my Dom I have learned to relax a bit more.  He is a lot younger than me and very carefree, which I think helps to mellow me out a bit.


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RE: Calling All Perfectionist Submissives - 1/19/2007 10:30:56 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		any of you gals looking into the jutsu of a perfect blowjob?
I will  will do the training, you will be the grasshopper.

MasterChenQui

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RE: Calling All Perfectionist Submissives - 1/19/2007 10:35:46 PM   
BabyNyla


Posts: 578
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline
That's an offer I could actually take you up on ... and my hubby would be so appreciative, LMAO.


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RE: Calling All Perfectionist Submissives - 1/19/2007 10:51:11 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		OK, grasshopper, where do you need work?

technique, skill, endurance?
KwaiChangKane


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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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RE: Calling All Perfectionist Submissives - 1/19/2007 11:00:23 PM   
BabyNyla


Posts: 578
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

OK, grasshopper, where do you need work?

technique, skill, endurance?
KwaiChangKane



ummmmmmm ... all areas ... lol ... you might have your work cut out for ya   :p

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RE: Calling All Perfectionist Submissives - 1/19/2007 11:02:08 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		mail me or continue it here

no matter.
Ron


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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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RE: Calling All Perfectionist Submissives - 1/19/2007 11:05:15 PM   
IvyP


Posts: 43
Joined: 10/28/2006
Status: offline 		funny that You mentioned that mnottertail......that IS the reason i exist....talk about a great bottom line here with fringe benifits!!!!  my goal, purpose and reward all right above me (sometimes)or in front of me..  in exchange for fun, growth, nurturing, more fun, and least i say even more fun!!! how perfect is that!!!!

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RE: Calling All Perfectionist Submissives - 1/19/2007 11:42:50 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I used to be. I have gotten over it somewhat, in the past ten years. I think this is partly due to a relationship I had where someone just accepted all of me, and didn't think I needed to change much, if anything about myself. He made me realize people will love me even if I screw up. Plus, there were some things I'd gone through that made me feel I had to over-compensate for things that had happened to me that were really out of my control, by getting great grades, looking perfect (or trying to) all the time, etc. Which wasn't true, but I was acting on that assumption for probably a good 15 years of my life.

And I always had a hard time with any kind of confrontation with someone else. I gradually got over that (I had to - I was a Business major in college) - but it was not easy for me. maybe that has to do with submissiveness, I am not sure. 

I had Anorexia in high school for about 2 years - that is linked closely with perfectionistic tendencies in females. I also have slight to moderate OCD, and I also always strove for things like high grades in school, and was always being elected an officer or President of clubs I belonged to (that part hasn't changed much, really). But I now realize there is a bigger picture - and how I affect others has more weight than having a perfect manicure at all times, or wearing a size 6, or being a Phi Beta Kappa, etc.
But it took me over 40 years to realize it.

- Susan  

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 1/19/2007 11:47:25 PM >

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"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: Calling All Perfectionist Submissives - 1/20/2007 1:11:11 AM   
mymasterssub69


Posts: 566
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		still working on losing my perfectionism and i guess with time and Daddy's guidance i shall. mine is not related to my submissive nature however to my childhood.

i was raised in a strict military (father) and religious (mother) family and there was no other option but to be the best i could be. i thought if i was the best my parents would love me more especially with my father. everything in my life had to be on schedule, in perfect order etc or it would just do. i believe that's why i really don't have a real daughter-parent relationship with them because i grew up before my time.

i'm slowly learning with Daddy that it's okay not being perfect all the time or that i shouldn't be too hard on myself when i make a mistake. sometimes i have to remind myself i'm not "superwoman" but human.


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...something only a little girl
can understand.

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RE: Calling All Perfectionist Submissives - 1/20/2007 3:52:54 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I am a perfectionist.  Even when I'm told I am doing well or "great work", I still wonder.  It's as if something gnaws at me and gives me doubt.  I especially have an issue with this when I am in new situations -- a new relationship, a new job (this is creating problems for me at the present time as I'm trying hard to be "perfect" in a job that requires speed and few errors, stressful).  High standards can be difficult to live up to.  When there are difficulties, I always tend to look at myself and my actions first, even when it's not warranted.

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RE: Calling All Perfectionist Submissives - 1/20/2007 4:27:10 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline



Yes Julia,
I indeed have a huge perfectionism complex.
I do temper it with the notion I'm human so usually it's not in overdrive.
Of course there indeed are times I get obsessive, especially when it's about something important I'm doing for someone I love.

I am very happy to hear you've moved beyond your neurosis and feel more balanced than you use to.
Your Master must be very proud of you.
suzanne



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RE: Calling All Perfectionist Submissives - 1/20/2007 5:35:29 AM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		I know for a fact that I am not a perfectionist, nor do I have any ocd tendencies.  I can say this with such confidence, and believe me, its one of the few things I can say with confidence, because my mother was a perfectionist with ocd tendencies and so is my sister,(though my sister is a lot more reflective about her personality and is a lot easier to get along with but her ocd seems to be a little more extreme.)

I don't have to be perfect in my submission, such as it is.    Which is a good thing, because having been raised by a perfectionist mother, I figured out pretty early that its not something I could ever be.  Hense my insecurity and seemingly bottomless need for approval. As well as my willingness to accept control and urge to get permission for pretty much everything.

Its not quite the same as being a perfectionist, but its close enough.  :)





< Message edited by gypsygrl -- 1/20/2007 6:22:31 AM >

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RE: Calling All Perfectionist Submissives - 1/20/2007 6:27:20 AM   
smirkingsheep


Posts: 45
Joined: 1/5/2007
Status: offline 		Sometimes I think I'm something of a perfectionist.  But really only with the case of writing and art. 
Writing, it's got to be perfect, else I can't stand to look at what I've written to do the good copy.  (Which is terrible because after so long everything one writes seems so ridiculous and incoherent, I never finish anything). 
Art, it doesn't have to be perfect, really.  It's just not my style.  But it's got to be original. 
A lot of other things in my life absolutely thrive off of imperfections.  It's what makes them great.  (I can't follow a recipe for the life of me, but I can most definitly make up good food as I go along).

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RE: Calling All Perfectionist Submissives - 1/20/2007 6:31:06 AM   
OTKkindaGirl


Posts: 447
Joined: 12/26/2005
From: NW Arkansas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssScarlet
<<<No, its related to my insecure nature which feels a need to try and control EVERYTHING in order to feel at peace and that somehow if I get EVERYTHING right and do EVERYTHING that I can- then all will be well with the world.>>>   Classic!

Of course I could be wrong, but I've struggled with the same thing most of my life.
Mistress Scarlet


More common I find in submissives is simply making all their time and lives about gaining approval from others and trying to be "the rock" for everyone else- not allowing themselves to be or appear weak, or demand their own needs and desires be fulfilled.


LA, i honestly cried when i read this part of your post, because it rang so true for me and it is something that is often misunderstood.  Shoving aside my own personal feelings and being strong for those that seem to need it more than i do has always been in my nature.  It does take its toll and is not without consequences and until you wrote this i never really thought about how it affects my relationships.  Funny how one can come across as "Rock" and still be trampled on like a "door mat".  It takes a lot of strength to be a submissive.  It takes a lot of inner turmoil to be a perfectionist but of course that is just my opinion and i never correlated it that way before.

I use to be quite the perfectionist and as a perfectionist I often found that i was quite down on myself because there was a lack of approval or support (at least that was the way i felt, though i know better now) that was outwardly expressed in my direction.  I am a pleaser and a nurturer.  I do aim to please but I have found that the more that I accept myself as I am, allow myself the validation from myself rather than others, I have become less of a perfectionist.  It is still there lying below the surface but it has taken a hiatus as of late.  I am collared to a very emotional nurturing Daddie *smile* and that seems to have mellowed me out quite a bit.  There are just some things that seem to dissapate when I am in his loving arms.  Less inner turmoil over the past year and less perfectionism.  I never gave a thought to insecurities being a root of perfectionism but it definitely makes sense.   Thanks to the OP for the thread.



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~~ lil darlin' ~~
hope



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