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mewmew -> RE: Calling All Perfectionist Submissives (1/20/2007 11:32:01 AM)
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Susan,
Plus, there were some things I'd gone through that made me feel I had to over-compensate for things that had happened to me that were really out of my control, by getting great grades, looking perfect (or trying to) all the time, etc. Which wasn't true, but I was acting on that assumption for probably a good 15 years of my life.
I definitely relate to this. I developed my eating disorders (anorexia/nonpurging bulemia) during my late teen years in attempts to overcompensate (sometimes to extremes) for my self-perceived failings (I tend to blame myself when life heads south or gets slow, whether it's really my fault or not - what can I do to make it better? Why can't I make it better? ...It's frustrating).
In addition to my obsession with looking good, I had your achievement compulsion as well! I called it "young college woman syndrome"; I was suddenly out in the world and faced with a boatload of seemingly impossible pressures I would have to deal with more or less on my own. So, I resolved to try to play the game as well as I could by working the systems that were available to me...sorority offices, honor societies (*phi beta kappa handshake with you*), scholarships, getting a JD from a top ten law school, and whatever I could manage to help myself feel...vindicated, I guess.
As some of you guys have mentioned, there was also a personal relationship component - I really did want to be everybody's best friend. If not 'the rock,' at least someone that everyone liked and trusted. Basically, as stupid and naive as I am/was, I just wanted to be free from reproach. I wanted people to meet me/get to know me and think, "This gal is alright! She's got it together!"
I've also got that fear of confrontation, which in some ways is a part of the same 'gotta love me' compulsion, but also involves a certain amount of vulnerability masking. When I am alone, some of the control or "responsibility" (perhaps a better term...I have an innergirl, after all) a dominant would exercise devolves to me. I am tremendously guarded in many ways, and hate hate hate it when people try to alpha me, even in small silly ways, without my consent. I fear violation (yeah, I'm sure I overreact a lot, lol), so I avoid confrontation if avoidance is an ethical option. I have a strong personality and I don't mind rallying the inner troops for a scuffle when I have to, but it takes a lot of energy and makes me feel like utter ass afterwards. Strange conundrum in a sub, perhaps, but it's here in me just the same; when I'm alone I'm the leader, and I feel I have to do the best job of protecting myself (or whatever else) that I can.
Anyway. I think LA is right - control is definitely a root. Many eating disorders - to pick out another controlly example, hehe - are commonly associated with life changes... crises of comfort, loss of stability, and the resulting desire to reimpose some sort of order or control upon one's situation. This and most of my other overcompensation compulsions went into overdrive at the cusp of adulthood, a time when I was being forced to become master of my own life. I wasn't - and I'm still not - comfortable with being ultimately and singularly responsible for myself. I want to be comfortable with complete independence. But I'm not. I cringe when I say this, because 1) I really want to be at ease in self-sufficiency, and 2) I'm not really an *irresponsible* person. I'm just not comfortable with the task of constantly judging, evaluating, and pushing myself to live up to my own crackpot default standards in the absence of a dominant partner.
When I'm alone, it's hard to drive the feardemons away sometimes. What will I do if...? What if I can't fix...? I know I'm good enough to survive and prosper by general standards, but I cannot do it without a tremendous amount of anxiety. And that kind of survival, in my book, is living half a life.
Blah. Sorry if that was a lame downer. ;)
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