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coming out as a subbie... - 2/11/2007 12:33:17 PM   
hobbit9sub4u


Posts: 130
Joined: 10/29/2006
From: Bates Motel(florida)
Status: offline 		hey, its me again, im the one thats been having issues on subdrop and family problems( i liv witrh my mom and am uncomfortable playing with her in the house) i think a possible solution would be to just tell her, she probobly suspects but does anyone have any advice on this? telling versus not telling, good ways to calmly discuss this, your own stories to share perhaps?

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RE: coming out as a subbie... - 2/11/2007 1:24:53 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		She doesn't really need to know the details of your sex life, unless you'll be coming home with bruises and marks. If so, you might want to tell her to expect them and leave it at that. If you want to describe your relationship, you can be as simple as, "We like a structured relationship and the way we behave is what we've agreed on." Then, give her the opportunity to ask questions and answer them frankly and honestly. Be prepared that she might disapprove...be prepared that she might approve. Either way, how she feels about it has no bearing on your worth as a person.

Master Fire


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RE: coming out as a subbie... - 2/11/2007 1:34:12 PM   
texancutie


Posts: 322
Joined: 7/23/2005
Status: offline 		Ohhhhh....your Master is your husband.  Well, why don't you both go and scene someplace else instead of in your mother's home?  Just an idea.  There are usually local play parties or dungeons, and if there are none of those in your area, there are also hotels or motels.  

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RE: coming out as a subbie... - 2/11/2007 1:52:41 PM   
hobbit9sub4u


Posts: 130
Joined: 10/29/2006
From: Bates Motel(florida)
Status: offline 		well im not planning on telling her details of my sex life, she knows enough of that just from living with my husband and i, lol, but i would  like to explain abotu our relationship, and as not scening or playing in my mothers home, its our home as well, she lives with us because she needs someone there incase she has a problem(she has poor health) we keep the play in the bedroom, but its a small house.  hotels and motels are not an option for us right now, and the closest funcs we can get to are 3 hours away or so, and its kind of tough to get there without a car. lol.

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I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other, and when I am alone I am together.

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RE: coming out as a subbie... - 2/11/2007 2:35:53 PM   
texancutie


Posts: 322
Joined: 7/23/2005
Status: offline 		I guess you must live a long ways from Orlando then.  I can't imagine what it would be like to not have a car.  Good luck to you in figuring out what to do.  

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RE: coming out as a subbie... - 2/11/2007 4:04:51 PM   
hobbit9sub4u


Posts: 130
Joined: 10/29/2006
From: Bates Motel(florida)
Status: offline 		thanks. any other takers? i am really looking for guidance. are there any of you out there that are out to your families?

_____________________________

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other, and when I am alone I am together.

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RE: coming out as a subbie... - 2/11/2007 5:32:05 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Reposted:
First, this is a lot like the coming out process that homosexuals have to deal with as well.

Secondly, make sure that you are prepared to handle questions and reactions that might come at you. Sometimes they might be ok with it, sometimes they might be confused, or angry or worried or other things- make sure you can handle whatever is going to be thrown at you.

Next, decide whether you think they are ready for you to come out to them. I'm out to my sister but not to my mother. I doubt I ever will come out t my mom. It's not so much about my own privacy, but about her comfort level. I don't need her to know about me being owned property in order for my relationship to be healthy with her.

Next, on a person by person basis, pick good timing. Holidays are not good. If you're telling casual friends, then do it at a party or some place where youa re being casual. If you are telling a best friend or relative, leave privacy and space to talk.

Your OWN attitude will shine through more than anything you actually say. Keep it simple, keep it generic, keep it nilla-friendly at first, and show that you are happy with this choice. Make sure that you project an attitude of confidence and sincerity. They don't have to understand the relationship as long as they understand it makes you happy.

And give it time. Coming out is a PROCESS, it rarely happens all in one bunch. The more practice you get at coming out, the easier it gets.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_673932/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#673940
questions about coming out

http://www.collarchat.com/m_603184/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#603237
Coming Out

http://www.collarchat.com/m_594649/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#594704
Telling Family

http://www.collarchat.com/m_552712/mpage_1/key_coming/tm.htm#552726
real world acceptance

http://www.collarchat.com/m_500172/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#500695
So I came out...

http://www.collarchat.com/m_191844/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#192641
family

http://www.collarchat.com/m_87719/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#87743
Talking to vanilla people


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RE: coming out as a subbie... - 2/11/2007 5:33:31 PM   
hobbit9sub4u


Posts: 130
Joined: 10/29/2006
From: Bates Motel(florida)
Status: offline 		THANK YOU SOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!
*hugs you to death*

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I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other, and when I am alone I am together.

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RE: coming out as a subbie... - 2/11/2007 5:51:27 PM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline 		Dear H9S4U-
 
Work really, really hard to avoid using specfic terms like SM, BDSM, Master, Slave, dominant, submissive, etc., as many of these terms will result ina knee-jerk negitive reaction. Being as vague and limited as you can in discussing these things is the best way to go, IMX.
 
Stay warm,
Lawrence

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RE: coming out as a subbie... - 2/12/2007 7:28:55 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		I'm not sure that you'll ever be able to explain it well enough. Before I started in with what you're doing, I would make modifications to the bedroom in terms of sound proofing and such. Try a white noise machine, and a stereo. As long as your door is locked she'll just think you've gone in to have sex.

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RE: coming out as a subbie... - 2/12/2007 8:20:19 AM   
BBBTBW


Posts: 836
Joined: 5/21/2004
Status: offline 		Hobbit,

You mother is a grown woman.  She obviously had a relationship with a man, you are here.  She knows there are different dynamics to every relationship.  Tell her that you are endeavouring on a more traditional relationship with a few modern twists.  Tell her that if she hears things she doesn't understand, that you will be willing to sit down and discuss them with her.  If she sees things she doesn't deem appropriate, you will sit and discuss them with her as well.  Just like you are not stupid, neither is she.  Give her the benefit of the doubt and treat her like she has some sense.  Don't let it come to the point of having to choose between taking care of Mom or losing your relationship.  You can have your Utopia but you have to lay the foundation and not hope it just forms around you.  Treat her like the adult you want to be treated like.

< Message edited by BBBTBW -- 2/12/2007 8:21:35 AM >

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RE: coming out as a subbie... - 2/12/2007 8:35:18 AM   
hobbit9sub4u


Posts: 130
Joined: 10/29/2006
From: Bates Motel(florida)
Status: offline 		thanks fo rthe ideas, as for sond proofing i dont think its an option aside from a loud stereo, we dont own our house. as far as the talking goes, im pretty sure she will understand. thanks a gain.

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I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other, and when I am alone I am together.

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RE: coming out as a subbie... - 2/20/2007 9:12:39 PM   
czarlipet


Posts: 30
Joined: 2/17/2007
Status: offline 		There are terms you can use that help to deflate a potentially hot situation.
 
You can describe your relationship as Traditional. There is a book called the Surrendered Wife which describes the Dominant/submissive lifestyle from a christian view and from a couple that do not identify to our lifestyle.
 
A dominant friend of mine describes the things he does with his wife in smaller terms to people he is explaining the lifesyt to new friends. For instance... while talking to a man he might say something like, "What you never smacked your wife/girlfriends ass during sex?"... or "You never pulled her hair during sex?" Then he goes on from there.
 
This is your mother so you might not want to there exactly but you can get an idea of ways places you can start from.
 
I am out to my family. I decided when I was 22 to come out and face the wrath and know who was going to be there for me rather than wonder and have to worry about hiding who and what I am from the world. When I told my father I used the word BDSM and his eyes glazed over. They didn't come back into focus until the topic was over. I, needless to say, do not discuss my relationships with my Father... I don't discuss much at all anyway but that is neither here nor there. With my mother who is very religious I told her I have always and will always want a traditional marriage very much like the ones in the Bible... because if you look at the truth of that period of time... the Men were men and they were the Head of the household and they could and did beat their wives and much of what was acceptable then is exactly what we do now. That worked out for me pretty well. She doesn't necessarily believe that I am actually being truthful. But then she is a dominant woman in a religion that keeps telling her she must be subserviant. And I left that religion because I am submissive not subserviant.
 
Anyway... that is my experience. You can also leave books or little things around the house that give your mother an idea of what you are into. A flogger key chain... gummy handcuff candy... There are lots of ideas.
 
Czarli 

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RE: coming out as a subbie... - 2/20/2007 9:31:04 PM   
SimplySubmissive


Posts: 216
Joined: 1/2/2004
Status: offline 		I've told a few friends and co-workers about the dynamic of realtionship I prefer..I might say that I prefer more traditional m/f roles.. or that I like to "do " for my man.. my mom as well. That way, i can talk normaly about day to day stuff without raising an eyebrow. One of my best friends at work is asian, raised pretty traditionally, and we have great convos about what we like to  do for our men.
she thinks it unusual for an "american girl" to behave this way.. but likes it . I don't feel the need to share anything else really, about play time and such.

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RE: coming out as a subbie... - 2/21/2007 11:37:25 AM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline 		Put the shoe on the other foot. If your mom were the sub instead of you, would there be a reason you ~wanted~ to know about it?

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You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

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RE: coming out as a subbie... - 2/21/2007 11:57:25 AM   
hobbit9sub4u


Posts: 130
Joined: 10/29/2006
From: Bates Motel(florida)
Status: offline 		hmm, good question, but it doesnt apply here. shes been celibate for over 20 years. (and outspoken about it too, lol.) but if she were i think she would tell me. i wouldnt want to know per se, but honestly, i dont think i would want to know or not know anything abotu my moms sex life.

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I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other, and when I am alone I am together.

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RE: coming out as a subbie... - 2/21/2007 1:22:58 PM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline 		There you go. She probably doesn't want to know about yours either. No reason to tell her. As a mama myself, I can 100% tell you that when my unmentionables are old enough to have personal adult lives, I will NOT want to know a thing about the details as long as they are safe. I will not NOT NOT want to know anything about their sex lives.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

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RE: coming out as a subbie... - 2/21/2007 8:13:05 PM   
Arastella


Posts: 262
Joined: 7/22/2006
Status: offline 		I told my mom as much as she needed to know, "Mom I like to be controlled" but didn't tell her exactly like that.  If you think your mom would not take it badly, then tell her the truth.  Explain how it makes you feel, make sure she knows you are consentual and happy with it.  Lots of mommies would worry that some bad man is hurting her little girl.  If you aren't sure if she'd take it well.... keep it to yourself.  Trust me, moms don't need to know everything.

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RE: coming out as a subbie... - 2/22/2007 8:59:58 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		You're being unclear. Are you proposing to tell her that he spanks you before sex or explaining why he proposes to walk in the door and start screaming "Bitch why aren't you naked on the floor with a beer in your twat".

Because in the first place yes you can sound proof to some degree a rental. Area rugs on top of carpeting. Tapestries instead of posters. Weather stripping on the bedroom door so it seals better. A white noise machine and a stereo. Or a tv with an action movie.

In the second he has no right to treat you like this in front of her because she hasn't consented to see it. Nor is she likely to consent to seeing her daughter mistreated, as she will interpret it. She will view it as abusive and not want to remain in a house with him. She might even call the police.

If you are talking about bruises, just confine them to nonvisible places. Not the forearms, not below the knees, not the neck. And buy some waterproof make up designed to cover everything just in case you do decide to go to the beach suddenly the day after being caned. Because in a case like that, she won't be the only person who will be seeing the marks.

But we could offer more help if you explained why you need to tell her these things.

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RE: coming out as a subbie... - 2/22/2007 9:32:46 AM   
subsa


Posts: 196
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		about the soundproofing idea...there are many ways to soundproof that are non-permanent.  i know a drummer who lives in an apartment.  he used eggcrate mattress pads that he got cheap at a flea market and put those up on adjoining walls with velcro.  he just put them up when he was practicing.  once he did that his neighbors stopped complaining.  
masking noise might also help...as you said a stereo in conjunction with some sort of white noise generator that would be in her room.  you could give it to her as a gift. it could be a small recirculating fountain  that would be decorative or you could buy one of the actual generators.  just tell her that your uncomfortable having sex (not the particulars) when she's in the house and its cramping your sex life.  offer the white noise generator as means to make cohabitating workable. 

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