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Does Age Matter? - 1/28/2004 6:35:17 PM

Estring

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I have a topic that may invoke some interest. Does age matter for a Dom or Domme? I bring this up because the other day I saw a Dom online who was 19 years old. Is that possible?
I don't believe you can be a Dom or Domme at 19. Am I wrong? It seems to me that a certain maturity must be reached before you can really be one. Some never reach it no matter their age, but I feel that 19 is too young. I would love some thoughts from others on this. And what age is the age where you are mature enough? I don't know myself. I just know that I had no clue about this lifestyle till about 28 years old. Then it became a huge interest for me. But before that I never thought about it.
What do you think?

Post #: 1

RE: Does Age Matter? - 1/28/2004 7:16:11 PM

MizSuz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Estring

Does age matter for a Dom or Domme?

I don't believe you can be a Dom or Domme at 19. Am I wrong? It seems to me that a certain maturity must be reached before you can really be one. Some never reach it no matter their age, but I feel that 19 is too young. I would love some thoughts from others on this. And what age is the age where you are mature enough? I don't know myself. I just know that I had no clue about this lifestyle till about 28 years old. Then it became a huge interest for me. But before that I never thought about it.
What do you think?

I agree with you that a certain maturity must be reached to be a 'good' dominant. I do agree that often that comes with years, but do not agree that it ALWAYS comes with years.

I DEFINITELY agree that some never reach it no matter their age.

As for "too young" I'd have to say that for every 19ish dom/me out there there is probably a 19ish submissive. Sure, they are young and have a lot to learn and will walk their path just like all of us do - but it is their path to walk or they wouldn't be on it. I prefer to allow people to learn their lessons for themself and TRY to not be judgemental when it's outside my own parameters.

I TRY.

< Message edited by MizSuz -- 1/28/2004 7:16:35 PM >

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(in reply to Estring)

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RE: Does Age Matter? - 1/28/2004 7:36:09 PM

lanette

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well, these days, unfortunately anyone can call themselves DOm/Domme, sub/slave/ whatever... 19-99 never makes them one, just because they want to wear the label. DO i think a 19 y/o is experienced enough to wield a whip or flogger... Helllllllll NO! but.. i've met some 30 + year old Dominant Men who couldn't handle the mental/emotional aspects of it any better. So....we can't put an age limit up, but hopefully people have sense enough to think before they act...

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RE: Does Age Matter? - 1/28/2004 8:35:23 PM

EStrict

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I know Master has always been a dominant. I also know he has always fantasized about things like spankings and bondage and did it from the time he was 19. He did it with girls about his age, and didn't think/know about the titles. I know that I have always ALWAYS had a deep need to please men. I know it caused me to get used badly because those that I tried to please just didn't *get it*.

So, though I do believe time and experience are important, I do not believe anyone has the right to tell someone they are *too young* to be a dominant, submissive, or any other lifestyle choice they wish.

Of those I know who started in the lifestyle actively that young, few stayed with it long term though....

Sandy

(in reply to lanette)

Post #: 4

RE: Does Age Matter? - 1/28/2004 9:19:36 PM

sub4hire

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Here are my two cents on the topic.

I believe we are born who we are. Whether Dominant or submissive. Its a state of mind. Some of us may not realize it until we are in our 50's. Then others will when they are much younger.
Being Dominant does'nt mean you know how to weild a flogger or spank someone properly. It means you like to control another person. Or maybe I should say the mental capacity to be in control.
The lifestyle is much more than play to me. Its how we live our daily lives.

To me it makes no difference how old the person is as long as they are competant. Of course you want someone of age..unless you, yourself are also under age.

Gloria

(in reply to Estring)

Post #: 5

RE: Does Age Matter? - 1/28/2004 9:47:11 PM

Estring

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Maybe I should be more specific; Does a young age preclude you from being a GOOD Dom or Domme? I know people live thier lives in certain ways from a young age, but does life experience have anything to do with competence as a Dom or Domme? That is what I was asking.
And another thing, I am tired of people that say you have no right to tell someone what to do when you are just giving your opinion. No one is telling someone what they can and cannot be. They are expressing an opinion. I have every right to express my opinion, and others have every right to express theirs too. And please, we all judge others. We have that right too. We may be wrong or we may be right in those judgements, but we have that right. Lighten up people!

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 6

RE: Does Age Matter? - 1/29/2004 4:53:46 AM

Robitslave

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i don't know about all, i just know about me. i am 57, and i had never heard of this lifestyle until six months ago. That was when i was reborn, i have served and been used by the worst brutes, all because my true nature was to serve. Since a child i have served, that is what i knew. Now however i am serving a true Master, one who is teaching me and grooming me to serve Him. i think that sometimes if what one feels is supressed, we end up confused and afraid. Some know right away what they feel, whenever it becomes clear, go with it. It is your life, your feelings, your future, no matter what age you are. Live. Serve. Guide. Be served.

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 7

RE: Does Age Matter? - 1/29/2004 5:16:40 AM

ShadowHwk

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Great topic.

I have some experience here, I had my first "slave" when I was 20. Was I a good dominant? Hell no. Did we have fun? Hell yes. She was about my age at the time, and was, what I would now consider to be, a submissive with a lot of slave tendencies. We made lots of mistakes, and learned a lot along the way. And broke a lot of the "rules" too.

What did I learn from all of this? I learned about myself, what really makes me tick. I learned about her in particular, and some things about the nature submissive women in general. I learned the power of a word, a look, a touch. I learned the value of ritual and structure. I learned about conditioning, both positive and negative. I learned self control.

Oh, and in case your wondering, I am still learning all of the things mentioned in the previous paragraph today.

Peace and Light
ShadowHwk

(in reply to Estring)

Post #: 8

RE: Does Age Matter? - 1/29/2004 6:29:19 AM

DocHolliday

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I believe everyone is born with either Dominant or submissive traits. One can observe leadership skills in certain children, while others are excellent followers or supporters. During life these skills are either honed or suppressed, but remain there as a part of our physiological design.
Some never seek to explore the sexual side of their Dominance or submission. Some begin early. Some late. Therefore I must honestly say that age cannot make a good qualifying factor in choosing a good Dominant...or submissive for that matter. TIME and EXPERIENCE would seem to be the better qualities.
This is to say nothing against young or inexperienced Doms or subs...I wish them all the best. My best advice to someone newly exploring is to search out a real life group, make some meetings and learn from those with more experience. When youre invited to a play party, spend some time watching...learn everything you can...ask questions.
That's My opinion, I could be wrong...

(in reply to ShadowHwk)

Post #: 9

RE: Does Age Matter? - 1/29/2004 7:49:14 AM

ShadowHwk

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Doc,

I agree. Finding a local support group is a great idea, and everyone in the lifestyle, whether newbie or old hand, can reap the rewards of being part of such a group. In many ways I wish I had known that others felt the same way I did back then. There were times when I could have used the help and support of a local group of like-minded folks in figuring out what were, at the time, VERY confusing feelings.

I have seen and/or heard about 30 year old Dom/me claiming 15 years experience - do the math and it just doesn't add up. But that is not to say that someone at 19 couldn't be a dominant – I was at 20, just that when that young they are likely to be lacking in much real world experience (just as I was).

Time in the lifestyle, experience with real people, and a willingness to learn are the keys to what differentiates a “dominant” and a “Dominant” – if you catch my meaning.

Peace and Light
ShadowHwk

(in reply to DocHolliday)

Post #: 10

RE: Does Age Matter? - 1/29/2004 1:45:01 PM

Erusvi

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When I was sixteen I had a mohawk. I wore a leather jacket strung about with an array of spikes and chains and the like. One night, while making out with my girlfriend, I looked over at my leather jacket and had an epiphany.

I gathered the chains and proceeded to secure her, spread eagle to the four corners of my bed. All the while I would set my teeth to her wrists and calves and dig my nails into her flesh. The heat of our passion was intoxicating. She would pull and struggle against each chain as it was secured. Once she was adequately immobilized, I prepared to ravage her.

It was then that she stopped, looked up at me, and asked how I planned to get her naked.

I've gotten better since then.

Does age make a difference? Experience yields wisdom. In that experience comes with years, I'd have to say yes, age does make a difference.

< Message edited by Erusvi -- 1/29/2004 1:53:00 PM >

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Post #: 11

RE: Original question??? - 1/29/2004 3:39:46 PM

inyouagain

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Perhaps it would help to clearly define the original question.

I have an old dictionary, so does that make it good one?

Speaking of dictionary, mine defines a Dom, but Domme is not to be found in my good/bad old dictionary. Does this mean Domme is a derivative of Dom, or is Domme a different kind of Dom, but still Dom? I've heard it takes a while for slang to appear... in fact have some in my good/bad old dictionary.

Any comment I make could send this thread off on another tangent, where many ideas and opinions make for entertaining and interesting reading... but let's get back to the basic question and clearly define 'Dom' and for the sake of argument consider it inclusive of Domme for now. [nothing sexist, so no flames plz]

Dom [L dominus Master] 1- used as a title for some monks and canons regular 2 - used as a title prefixed to the Christain name of a Portugese or Brazilian man of rank

Struck out there, but since we're out of scene, let's look up 'dom'

dom - abbr 1 - domestic 2 - dominant 3 - dominion

Hmm... #1's out... #3's iffy... that leaves #2

dominant - very long definition... I think this is what we're looking for.

My good/bad old dictionary defines 'dominant' in both noun and adjective form.

Dominant defined as a noun don't seem to fit here... due to the aspect of influence over ALL others. Us individual Dom units don't ALL report to, or operate for one single Dom Biggest Boss unit, right?

Dominant defined as an adjective looks like we're there perhaps? It's just disturbing to see the references to genetics there. Does this infer that being dominant is genetic... or that it could be?

It would appear that dom, or dominant may be the intent of the original question.

Personally, despite pneumonics I believe it's a 33/33/33 proposition as opposed to a 50/50 proposition. This neatly accommodates the classifications of Dom/switch/sub.

I admit I do believe in the genetic connection:

- True Dom's are born Dom.
- Dom/sub switches are not Dom's, but switches. (*let's don't coin bi-Dom here ok?)
- submissives are not Dom, period.

* - much room here for debate folks, but essentially I feel a switch is a switch hitter, inclusive of both sides, but not predominately one or the other... ie. dominant)

The inclusion of switch precludes defining Dom/sub as 50/50, or simply either the state of black or white... one or the other. There is the grey area of the switch.

In summation, when boiled down to basics, there are no new Dom's other than newborn babies. Do we hold them accountable? Following that logic, why do we hold a 19 yr old Domme accountable? ... to what/who's standard(s)?

She was made/born Dom, she isn't a switch, or a submissive.

Your opinion nor mine will not change her acknowledged state, regardless of her age. We can only refer to her as experienced/inexperienced, good/bad, young/old?... how about black/grey/white, nope... she's already done that herself.

Regardless of any label you or I place on her, she is Dom, Domme, dom or dominant.

This whole thread was interesting and entertaining reading, but somewhat opinionated. Now my opinion, which also stinks, is herby deposited for your inspection.

It's back on the dusty shelf for my good/bad old dictionary... and back to Master's search for a 19 yr old 'sub'!

Have fun... don't get carried away... you can't fly, never could!

No animals or trees were injured during the writing of this dribble.
If offended, my apology in advance [5 apologies, take one: #1, #2, #3, #4, #5]

(in reply to Erusvi)

Post #: 12

RE: Original question??? - 1/29/2004 11:25:54 PM

MistressDREAD

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There is actually two differant issues being addressed here within the one question. Does age matter?
In the world of Alternate Lifestyles there are true altering opinions as to how to update information or proticals or rules and regulations that sum find arcade but for those of Us whom are long practicing and abiding Kiinksters and Lifestylers here whats been the general rule of thumb as I
was taught:
addressing the Dominant to suplicant personallity as it addresses age the answer is no. I beleive that We all are born brought up to form the either Dominant or suplicant personna that We wear in Our lifes as a whole.
addressing the Positions with in Alternate Lifestyles as it pertains to age and aquired experiances with in the practice and experiance of the Lifestyle :
Top/bottom = anyone whom desires to play in a position at any given time and either serves in that position naturally or by desire to experiance kinks. No experiance required.
Dominant/submissive = positions have been established and even tho not practiced on a 24/7 timeline are distintive in practice and this is usualy the 1 thru 5 year experiance time frame and become members of a munchies group to learn more about real life experiance but still have vanillia life tendancies.
Master-Mistress/slave = positions of experiance range from 5 to 15 years and are reguarded as a reliable source for Lifestyle information and most are respected with in their Lifestyle Groups and conduct training and such and practice their Lifestyle in a more public fashion.
Lords-Ladys/suplicants = the altimate position of status with 15 to 30 years of experiance most are the owners of munchie groups and public dungeons and have websites of training and information and the Lifestyle is their total Lifestyle which revolves totally around their Home life, work life, personal life.

(in reply to inyouagain)

Post #: 13

RE: Does Age Matter? - 1/29/2004 11:38:32 PM

MistressDREAD

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OOOooohhhhh YEA maybe I better also tell You My roots because they differ from most here. I was born into a BDSM Practicing family of Three Generations Me being the Forth and My now Grown children being the fifth. We were also a Poly Family and I was most definatly born Dominant. I have always has slaves around Me from a child and learned very young in life how to * control those around Me if not by any other reason because of the amount of Dominants with in My Home..

(in reply to Estring)

Post #: 14

RE: Does Age Matter? - 1/30/2004 7:23:23 AM

trnmastr

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quote:

I don't believe you can be a Dom or Domme at 19. Am I wrong?

I wouldnt say or right.
I was introduced formally at 18. Did I have the Dom traits, sure, did I really know what to do with them or even what they were? No. All I knew was that I controled everything I was involved in.
At 18 I met a couple who explained the life and asked if I was intererested in it. I said I was and the rest is history.
Sure when I was younger I was the BIG BAD DOM. LOL, but over the years you learn, you mellow, you mature.
Now I am 50 and for me and me slave being in the life isnt a big deal, its just how it is.
So does the age of a person matter? Somewhat, but more importantly is how long they have been living the lifestyle and not just reading, fantasing or just playing at it.
It is much the same for subs too I feel.
We all have the rose colored glasses on at first, then what is really important sets in after you walk a few miles.

William

(in reply to Estring)

Post #: 15

RE: Does Age Matter? - 1/30/2004 9:47:24 AM

litaTshai

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Greetings.

i am a Gorean slave, and have been for about 8 years. i am also 61 so discovered myself rather late in life.

however, though i have little knowledge of D/S, M/s, BDSM in other than Gorean context, i have developed that inner radar many slaves have that they can smell a "Master" a mile off.

in the course of my journey, i have run across a few, actually quite a few, Doms. and one thing i have noticed is that it seems, at least in some cases, that Doms tend to emerge early. there are of course exceptions.

the two prime examples i can think of that i knew and felt were emerging Doms, who turned out later to be ages 12 and 14 at the time i first knew them. Both these gentlemen participated regularly in adult chat rooms, of various kinds (it was a mixed site with rooms that really ran the gamut), and not only did no one else realize they were so young, nobody even thought to question their ages, for they behaved as mature adults, perhaps more mature than some in those rooms who were much older. the one who was 14 did not at that time realize who and what he was, but exhibited the qualities one expects in one who has mastered themselves first. later, when he was 19, one of the other women in the site suggested to him that he might be an emerging Dom, and recommended he contact a group in His area to help him learn. He did so, but alas, was told that until He was 21, He would not be permitted to be part of the group.

i have not heard from Him in a couple of years now, so i do not know what became of Him. However, i do know he will, one way or another, have developed into a true Dom, with or without guidance, and whether He wishes to or not. *little smile* i don't think He could help but be otherwise.

the 12 year old i have also lost track of in the intervening years, but i believe he will have a bit rougher road to self discovery for a number of reasons. however i am certain that he also is a Dom, age and experience aside.

and, i am well aware that most Doms don't discover themselves that young, or begin to "emerge". however i think a few do.

just a slave's opinion and experience, carrying only such value as the Free choose to give it. Your mileage may, and probably will, vary.

respectfuly,

lita {Tshai}

(in reply to Estring)

Post #: 16

RE: Does Age Matter? - 1/30/2004 1:20:15 PM

westside

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I'd have to say no. One of my favorite doms was just 22 when we met.
Its much more about "the right fit." wes

(in reply to litaTshai)

Post #: 17

RE: Does Age Matter? - 2/10/2004 1:16:11 PM

MsAkasha8

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DOES AGE MATTER? I think it only matters in the realm of networking or contacts. I worked in the sex industry from the age of 15 on, in one form or another. I was always in control and ended up running my own house by age 18. For business and personal pleasure I became very interested in the Pro Dommes. I had already been doing a lot of the same things, but did not know what it was called or the etiquette to it. I became like a fish in water, I had found my home. I quit Pro work a few years later and only was a Domme in my personal life. I feel that at age 20 I was quite experienced and was able to handle most any situation. I am now 49 and I am still learning. I attend seminars, demo's and I am going to a womens intensive the end of Feb. Do I think I am a better Dom now than at 20? In some ways yes, because I have learned to use better equipment. In some ways no, because I don't have as much fire as I used to have. This is just my personal opinion.

_____________________________

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Post #: 18

RE: Does Age Matter? - 2/10/2004 5:25:40 PM

obsequious68

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IMHO, age does not matter. Everyone has made really good points here. I am attracted to a certain personality type that has nothing to do with age, it is who the person is. There is something to be said about "old souls" which has nothing to do with age. Someone who thinks clearly, who is patient, who knows how to communicate, who is open-minded, who is safe and sane. The list goes on and on, but in that list I would not say knows how to use a flogger because if he/she wants to learn how, it will be done and it will be done well.

I agree with the person who said we were born this way, I belive that 100%. It is who we are (our personalities, our soul) that makes us
"competent" Dom(me)s or subs, once again having little to do with age.

Our thirst to improve, to learn, to grow keeps us alive, does it make us better than we were? I am not saying that people do not improve or learn from experiences because we all do. After talking in circles, the point I am trying to make is, in my opinion, the soul that makes the Dom, everything else is just a part of the journey

< Message edited by obsequious68 -- 2/10/2004 5:26:42 PM >

(in reply to MsAkasha8)

Post #: 19

RE: Does Age Matter? - 2/11/2004 6:28:00 AM

MrKing

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From: Reno
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I'm not sure age has so much to do with it as empathy and ethics.

Essentially, the qualities of dominance are much-celebrated and encouraged in our culture; but the concept of responsiblity is not, not nearly so much.

I see so many submissive women come into BDSM thinking that it will be more of the same - years of exploitation and abuse, only to find that it's very much as it should have been all along.

What I do think to be lacking is good mentoring, both for subs and doms, because our culture gives no good examples - and no, football coaches don't help at all, right Kobe? :>

Given a good raising, I see no reason why a young man or woman of 19 should not be a good top or dom; it's not like these are difficult concepts. And given the basic ethics and sense of responsiblity, the inevitable mistakes will blend into the mix. It's not the mistakes that are the problem; it's what you do about them.

Oh, and let's remember that not so long ago, a "child" of 14 was thought old enough to marry and have children of their own, at a time where the saying of the day was "spare the rod and spoil the child." I'm not going to argue that was a good situation; I'm just pointing out that three or four generartions later, we are all still here.

< Message edited by MrKing -- 2/10/2004 10:29:46 PM >

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