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RE: Talking to Vanilla People - 4/1/2005 10:24:55 AM

KarbonCopy

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I've come across this problem as well In my life.

I've always felt some sort of need to keep this all to myself, and some special friends.
It's almost as if I'm living some sort of double life, and I try and keep my innocent family and friends out of it.

I dont think its because I'm worried what they'll think, I just dont feel that they need to know.
They all know that i'm a kinky little boy and that i'm into the fetish scene, but they dont know that I live in a 24/7 D/s relationship. I'm not sure they could ever truely accept it, or really understand it for that matter.

< Message edited by KarbonCopy -- 4/1/2005 10:26:44 AM >

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RE: Talking to Vanilla People - 4/1/2005 10:27:03 AM

EmeraldSlave2

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Just a note: to those of you who can't or choose not to be out to anyone in your "vanilla life" please be sure to set up a contingency plan in the event of an accident or death. Otherwise those vanilla people will be coming across anything you've left behind.

PS Karbon, that's a great name!

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RE: Talking to Vanilla People - 4/1/2005 10:30:28 AM

KarbonCopy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2

Just a note: to those of you who can't or choose not to be out to anyone in your "vanilla life" please be sure to set up a contingency plan in the event of an accident or death. Otherwise those vanilla people will be coming across anything you've left behind.

PS Karbon, that's a great name!

LOL! too true.

*Berieved family walks into my house*
"Oh what interesting furniture*

I'm not too worried about my family knowing because my Mom, and her husband are Kinksters too. I dont think they're as into it, as my fiancee and I are, but they have a good idea of whats going on.

PS EmeraldSlave2: Thanks ^__^

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RE: Talking to Vanilla People - 4/1/2005 10:34:19 AM

MadameDahlia

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"I would like to know if anyone has any suggestions on how to tell your vanilla friends/family about this lifestyle choice."

I came out to everyone when I realized I was greedy. Ack. Pardon me - I mean bisexual. My vanilla ex boyfriend became quite insecure because he thought that by having a bisexual girlfriend I might NEED a female in my life as well. He should have just spoken to me rather than sit on a bubbling pot of fear and insecurity. But one lives and learns. My family took it in stride. Didn't seem all that shocked. Didn't really seem to care one way or another.

My whips and chains was another facet of my life that I wanted to share with everyone. I came out of the toy chest to several friends first - though my best friend already knew. When I hit eighteen my best friend bought me my first flogger. Still living at home I proudly displayed it on what I now refer to as my "Wall of Pain".

Mom saw it first - or rather she smelled it. Then she saw it. She didn't say anything. She left my room. But I had watched her run her eyes over it slowly. She knew what it was. She knew what it was used for. But she wasn't opening that can of worms. I ventured outward - feeling my way gradually, buying toys, seeking places where likeminded individuals might meet.

And one day it just happened... mum and I were in the car going somewhere. I'm not sure how the conversation began but once it had I told her who I was, why I felt the way I did... She gradually wrapped her mind around it. I also came out to my younger sister that same day. She accepted it with a bit of laughter and a teasing comment or two.

A while later all three of us were gathered around the telly watching CSI. It was the episode with the BDSM house and Madame Heather. Both my sibling and mother turned to stare at me, each wearing a mock suspicious look upon their face. I laughed and shrugged.

My sister drew a picture of a former submissive who I was working with - complete with leash and collar. It's on the BDSM wall as well.

My dad didn't take too well to it at first - but the next day he was all smiles. He started the morning off with "How's my Dominatrix daughter this morning?" At first I thought he might have been trying to pick a fight about it. But when I turned I noticed he was smiling, waiting for a reply. I knew then that even if he didn't want the particulars of what it was I did in my spare time he had come around to accepting it as my chosen way of life.

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RE: Talking to Vanilla People - 4/1/2005 10:43:50 AM

KarbonCopy

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Thats great, at least now your family knows.

Does anyone join my feelings when I say that outsiders (vanilla) , have no buisness knowing about our lifestyle?
I mean, this woman at work was watching me do some drawings for a dungeon I want to create, when I build my house. She asked what it was, so I heaved a big sigh and told her.
Its like she was a closet case, she started asking all these questions, saying that she never met anyone into it, (most likely she has) and that she found it facinating (but she's way to vanilla to ever try it). I kinda felt like turning to her and saying, "Its really none of your buisness, do a search on Google if your so interested"
But of course I'm not a dick, so I just kinda gave her vague answers untill she left me alone.

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RE: Talking to Vanilla People - 4/1/2005 10:57:03 AM

EmeraldSlave2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KarbonCopy
Does anyone join my feelings when I say that outsiders (vanilla) , have no buisness knowing about our lifestyle?

The same as anyone does about your personal life- as much as you think they should.

Some people are totally comfortable talking about their private lives, some are not at all. This applies in vanilla life as well. I personally would LOVE if I could talk as casually about the Owner and my boyfriends and parties as easily as everyone else talks about their children and husbands and vacations...but that's not the world we live in.

So, if someone at work pushes me for info, whether it's kink or non-kink related, I am either very vague, change the subject or just say you don't like talking about it with a smile and thanks.

However, I have vanilla friends, I have vanilla lovers, and they have a right to know who *I* am in order to know who they are being with and what they are getting into. I want them in my life and as a consequence of that, I have to be open and honest about who I am. I don't consider vanillas to be "outsiders."

quote:

I mean, this woman at work was watching me do some drawings for a dungeon I want to create, when I build my house. She asked what it was, so I heaved a big sigh and told her.

If you don't want to bring it up at work- don't do things like that which will cause people to ask about it. She'd have asked even if you were drawing a pic of a normal house. I'm VERY good at telling vague answers that don't leave them with any notion of kink but still completely true. Maybe you should practice some of those.

quote:

Its like she was a closet case, she started asking all these questions, saying that she never met anyone into it, (most likely she has) and that she found it facinating (but she's way to vanilla to ever try it). I kinda felt like turning to her and saying, "Its really none of your buisness, do a search on Google if your so interested"
But of course I'm not a dick, so I just kinda gave her vague answers untill she left me alone.

Vague answers is fine, or you could have just said "I'm sorry I don't want to get into it now, there's lot of info online if you want to check it out" and been perfectly polite. It isn't any of her business unless you feel it is. But private versus public is an issue for EVERYONE, not just kinky people, specially in the workplace.

I personally would love nothing more than for kink to be absolutely boring and no big deal to the world, because that's how I feel it is- just me being me.

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RE: Talking to Vanilla People - 4/1/2005 11:02:39 AM

KarbonCopy

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I suppose I opened the door didnt I?

I think the one thing that bothered me most is, she asked if she could write about me.

That just kinda creeped me out. This is the woman that was reading a book on lesbianism, and then got me to read a paragraph out of it, (funny as hell) but before giving the book over was all panicky and like "I"M NOT A LESBIAN! JUST KNOW THAT!" as if was a bad thing.

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RE: Talking to Vanilla People - 4/1/2005 9:07:54 PM

selwyn

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Good Thread!

Well........my view as far as family goes is DON'T TELL, unless you know the reaction ahead of time. As far as friends goes, be very particular. My hedonistic friends were enthusiatic & supportive, my lesbian friends have been generally warm & caring in their reaction ('cuz I'm into Femdomme). But my favorite reaction came a couple of days ago from a close lesbian friend I hadn't seen in awhile. After I finished telling her, she said "I'm so happy for you, that is how I met my partner" And they've been together over twelve years!

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RE: Talking to Vanilla People - 4/3/2005 4:26:43 AM

spliffsmum

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That is so very true. I had a casual Dom play partner who died very suddenly last year. His wife - who didn't have a clue about his other life found his toys, DVDs and lap top with all his emails. In her grief she tried, and nearly succeeded, in ruining my career and life. Take heed.

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