Sex between Dommes & subs (Full Version)

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NightVIne -> Sex between Dommes & subs (5/7/2007 8:34:14 PM)

I'm a raw newbie and will be asking many questions that may seem strange or stupid to those of you who have been around.  I have a male who wants to be my sub and servant.  He has in the past used toys and his fingers or tongue on a Domme but not had genital intercourse from what I understand.  I'm getting the idea quickly that their are many styles and individual ways to run a D/s relationship bewteen a Domme and her sub.  My husband has medical issues that prevent us from having intercourse.  If I find a connection with my sub and wish intercourse as part of my service from him, can anyone tell me the pros and cons of this based on their or others experiences.  This is of course if it is OK with him to keep it consensual.  Thanks!



undergroundsea -> RE: Sex between Dommes & subs (5/7/2007 8:49:40 PM)

I think there are many Fm enthusiasts who include intercourse in their dynamic.

Pros:

you are able to enjoy an activity you like.

Reasons why someone in your situation might avoid it:

Potential to strain your relationship with your husband.
Blurring the D/s dynamic that otherwise leans towards a no sex approach.
Whatever considerations become relevant by increasing the number of sexual partners.

Each of these concerns can be overcome.

Cheers,

Sea





NightVIne -> RE: Sex between Dommes & subs (5/7/2007 9:20:31 PM)

Sea hit on some very good points.  My husband, loving me as much as he does, has opened up our marriage for me to be able to have intercourse because he can't give me that due to his medical issues, so in itself it won't be a strain.  He also has no interest in D/s and know I do.  Too many partners would bother him though, so if I can keep the numbers down to one or two partners, he'll be much happier.  He doesn't want me to spend too much time away from him and worries about STDs which makes sense.  The part I am concerned about is "blurring the D/s dynamic that otherwise leans towards a no sex approach."  How can it blur this dynamic, and how can I avoid blurring it if I want to add intercourse?  Apparently that's the real question I was trying to ask.



undergroundsea -> RE: Sex between Dommes & subs (5/7/2007 9:48:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: NightVIne
The part I am concerned about is "blurring the D/s dynamic that otherwise leans towards a no sex approach."  How can it blur this dynamic, and how can I avoid blurring it if I want to add intercourse?  Apparently that's the real question I was trying to ask.


Whether that matter is an issue or not depends on the dynamic.

BDSM couples often face the question of how to transition from an everyday dynamic to a D/s dynamic, and often discuss rituals that help reinstate the roles. For a relationship that has the D/s dynamic in force at all times when the two are together, this question is comparatively less relevant. Depending on what dynamic exists during intercourse (intercourse can still be done within the D/s dynamic), this question may become more relevant for you than it would be if intercourse was not done.

Some subs seek a relationship where the dominant is seen to be in a higher social status. This dynamic can come from different wants: a want to worship one who is on a higher pedestal, a want to feel inferior or subordinate in incomparison, more. So for a sub who enters a dynamic with this mindset, intercourse could disrupt that dynamic. Whether this would be a concern for you would depend on the dynamic you two have. And, again, intercourse can still occur with a D/s flavor.

Some subs respond to D/s more than intercourse. I think the amount of mutual interest in intercourse would be a point of compatibility to consider. A sub who does not share your passion for intercourse may initially do it as an act of service or for sake of what else comes with the relationship but find it too much to do as time passes.

Cheers,

Sea




undergroundsea -> RE: Sex between Dommes & subs (5/7/2007 10:07:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: NightVIne
My husband, loving me as much as he does, has opened up our marriage for me to be able to have intercourse because he can't give me that due to his medical issues, so in itself it won't be a strain.


How he feels about the matter could change once such a relationship begins. It may help to keep the communication active with him, to become informed about principles of polyamory to see how they might help you, and be sensitive to his emotional needs.

Cheers,

Sea



NightVIne -> RE: Sex between Dommes & subs (5/7/2007 10:34:06 PM)

Could you please tell me how to use the quote feature???  We have addressed poly, and we are in a poly group which meets regularly for discussions.  We also see a counselor every two weeks, so that helps keep us on track in discussing everything.  I have alread had sex with others, and it's really been OK with him.  The BDSM is a new wrinkle for him.



AlvinFaulkner -> RE: Sex between Dommes & subs (5/7/2007 10:51:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: NightVIne

Could you please tell me how to use the quote feature??? We have addressed poly, and we are in a poly group which meets regularly for discussions. We also see a counselor every two weeks, so that helps keep us on track in discussing everything. I have alread had sex with others, and it's really been OK with him. The BDSM is a new wrinkle for him.


At the top of each post there is a Quote icon. Just click on it, and voila!



earthycouple -> RE: Sex between Dommes & subs (5/7/2007 11:00:08 PM)

ok...blurring the BDSM lines with sex or no sex.....  I have had relationships in both ways.  I have NEVER had a problem with either.  So long as you are Domme and he is sub and you are in a SSC situation you can retain control while still enjoying intercourse with your submissive.  He must realize that you are not turning into vanilla lovers though.  Prior to intercourse, during intercourse and after intercourse he is still submissive to you.  Even if during the heat of the moment you are both in a passioned frenzy somewhere in the back of his mind he knows "She is my Mistress, I am her submissive". 

If you set the dynamic up to work then it will work.  Heck...even in those relationships where actual intercourse was not part of the deal there were times we were so passionate that things fell to the level of "woman and man".   The minute things calmed we were right back to "Mistress and slave".

I wish you much luck with your lifestyle choices and welcome!




AlvinFaulkner -> RE: Sex between Dommes & subs (5/7/2007 11:10:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: earthycouple

ok...blurring the BDSM lines with sex or no sex..... I have had relationships in both ways. I have NEVER had a problem with either. So long as you are Domme and he is sub and you are in a SSC situation you can retain control while still enjoying intercourse with your submissive. He must realize that you are not turning into vanilla lovers though. Prior to intercourse, during intercourse and after intercourse he is still submissive to you. Even if during the heat of the moment you are both in a passioned frenzy somewhere in the back of his mind he knows "She is my Mistress, I am her submissive".

If you set the dynamic up to work then it will work. Heck...even in those relationships where actual intercourse was not part of the deal there were times we were so passionate that things fell to the level of "woman and man". The minute things calmed we were right back to "Mistress and slave".

I wish you much luck with your lifestyle choices and welcome!




I completely agree. This goes to the heart of D/s, in my opinion: you are defined not by what you do, but by who you are. I have known Dommes who enjoyed passionate sex with their subs very much. Even if they allowed the man to be "aggressive" in the act, if it is according to her wishes, then she is still calling the shots.

To NightVine: If you don't feel entirely comfortable having intercourse with a sub because you think it brings your dominance into question, may I suggest that you incorporate elements that reinforce your place in the relationship? For example, only having sex with your sub in bondage or blindfolded, or only assuming female-superior positions.



Lashra -> RE: Sex between Dommes & subs (5/8/2007 1:20:55 AM)

I use of my male subs cock whenever I want it. I love it and I find with him it keeps him much happier. Each Domme sets up her relationship as she desires it, so not all will use their males in this way.  I figure his body belongs to me, why waste any of it?[;)]

~Lashra



MaamJay -> RE: Sex between Dommes & subs (5/8/2007 2:02:09 AM)

I second what Alvin and Lashra said! I have always found it effective to have the sub call Me Maam or Mistress throughout, and require him to obtain My permission to cum. Answering "yes but not until you have made Me cum (choose 1, 2, 3 or more times!)" really keeps him focused on being YOUR servant LOL! I empathise with your situation with your husband, and hope that it works out. Obviously you need to take precautions such as condoms etc to minimise fluid exchange. If you end up finding one you want to be longterm with, all having medical tests then continuing the protection until they are repeated (and clear both times) 3 months later can pave the way for more open sex with that person, as long as you can trust him not to have unprotected sex with anyone else.

Maam Jay



canupleaseme -> RE: Sex between Dommes & subs (5/8/2007 2:44:12 AM)

I'm sorry to hear that your unable to have a sexual relationship with your husband.  Its great that he has accomodated an open relationship element for you [:)]
At the end of the day if your clear to your sub about your limits in your realtionship with him and boundaries and your all cool with it then it may only enrich your relationship.  Using sex as a form of control has certainly given me more power in our relationship.  By the sounds of things this would be an ideal solution for you with someone you can build up a safe form of sexual release.
I think the only thing I would be worried about it is finding myself developing a bond with the sub that would then harm my marraige.  A few years ago I was in an open vanilla relationship.  I very much adored the main partner in my life but found myself getting very drawn to two of the "fuck buddies" that I had also and it caused me a lot of headfucks.  I know the situation isnt the same but being allowed to have sex with other people just for sex sake I found it hard to keep it just that.  Having sex is a very intimate thing and after a few months I felt just as attatched to my F.B's as I did my main partner.
I think as long as you keep boundaries and as someone suggested do it in a BDSM way it should be cool.  I am sure your sub will love it [:D]



bowandserve -> RE: Sex between Dommes & subs (5/9/2007 3:31:45 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

I use of my male subs cock whenever I want it. I love it and I find with him it keeps him much happier. Each Domme sets up her relationship as she desires it, so not all will use their males in this way. I figure his body belongs to me, why waste any of it?[;)]

~Lashra



I lean towards this side of the spectrum and to pull in a couple other posts - hell ya I'm going to use every piece of him as I see fit. He is never allowed to cum without my permission and I always am first. Even if I do allow him to take over in the heat of the moment, he sees it as an ultimate gift and is more appreciative that he was able to give me what I wanted when I wanted it and please me in exactly the way I told him to - whether he was topping or whatever. I think you have to find a sub that is like you on many levels. I don't really want just a slave so it works for me.



asubmissiveheart -> RE: Sex between Dommes & subs (5/9/2007 3:47:00 PM)

Sex between Dommes and subs, is a good thing.



caningexpert -> RE: Sex between Dommes & subs (5/9/2007 3:56:42 PM)

I dont have sex with my subs, it would blur the lines between Dominance and Vanilla (for me at least).

I have Lovers to have sex with. A sub cannot be everything to his Mistress and Mistress needs many things in her life, so lovers are needed. But thats the way it works for me, maybe you feel differently, if it works for you do it, if it doesnt work, get another sub.



MstrssPassion -> RE: Sex between Dommes & subs (5/9/2007 4:33:20 PM)

{fast reply}

The lines cannot be blurred if you clearly define what they are in the first place.

You have a husband, a primary partner & I assume he fulfills you on every level except the D/s or the sex.

What are the areas of D/s (or possibly BDSM) that you are most drawn to & wish to explore? I would simply define these relationships with this/these subs as they are... part time service subs.

Are you planning on having one of these subs move in with you & your husband? If not then it would be rather difficult to plan any form of permanence or full time collar. You've already stated that he doesn't want you spending a great deal of time away from him so in turn you can't expect these men to fully dedicate themselves to you seeing that you can't fully dedicate yourself to them.




maledave7 -> RE: Sex between Dommes & subs (5/9/2007 4:56:34 PM)

I feel that each D/s relationship is different.  I think that you and your sub needs to do what works best for the both of you.



LadyPact -> RE: Sex between Dommes & subs (5/9/2007 7:52:37 PM)

Really, you can chose to do either.  I've been in situations where I had a boy that I had no sexual intercourse with and situations where I have.  Personally, I prefer to have it included in the dynamic.  Many of the activities involved in BDSM turn Me on sexually, so I prefer a boy who can also satisfy Me in that way.
 
What also might be similar between Us is the consent from hubby thing for sex.  I understand it completely and am very glad for you that you have that kind of relationship where he understands that you have physical needs.  While My husband doesn't have medical issues, he understands that he can not be everything I would hope for, since he is not submissive.  Actually, his only request is that none of My boys say "I love you". 
 
Hope this helped, and thanks for the opportunity to earn My paddle avatar!



Laura -> RE: Sex between Dommes & subs (5/9/2007 8:18:39 PM)

I don't see it spoiling the dynamic unless you let it. You have sex as you want it and when you want it. The key idea is that YOU use him, not the other way around. Have sex on your terms. If he only wants a non-sexual relationship then he isn't serving you as you wish to be served. Find someone who can serve you. What is the point of it all if your needs are not fully met? You should at least ask for payment if that's the case.

If a sub is begging for release he should be denied. His release alone does nothing for you. If he is allowed to orgasm it should be to amuse you or serve you. Unless he gets clued in and brings something/ does something to interest you he should not be given release/ sex. To serve you means to serve YOU, it's not about getting or taking what he wants. Why don't those who say they are subs get this one simple fact?



Aimtoplease101 -> RE: Sex between Dommes & subs (5/11/2007 7:23:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: NightVIne
__________________________________________________________
The part I am concerned about is "blurring the D/s dynamic that otherwise leans towards a no sex approach."  How can it blur this dynamic, and how can I avoid blurring it if I want to add intercourse?  Apparently that's the real question I was trying to ask.

_____________________________________________________________

I think you are right to give some thought as to how sex can affect, or blur, the D/s Femdom dynamic.  Certainly the old missionary position penetrative sex can seem inconsistent with this dynamic.

You can counteract this, however, by "repositioning" the sex in ways that reinforces the Femdom experience.  Keeping him bound, plugged, or in an awkward position can accomplish this.  Making him serve you orally (before and after) will reinforce the dynamic.  Putting multiple condoms on him, and desensitizing cream, will allow you to enjoy the sensation and deny him an equivalent experience (similarly, not using his member, and making him satisfy with a toy, will accomplish this).  Liberal use of a riding crop, while riding him, emphasizes that you're the one in control.

Use your imagination, have fun, and do what feels right!

Regards, ATP



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