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new submissive - 5/7/2005 3:03:21 PM

misundersub

Posts: 10
Joined: 5/7/2005
Status: offline

Hello, Im new to D/s and I was just reading with much interest the thread posted by ggonknees, 'Not a natural slave' and I felt a lot of the replies answered some of my questions.

Like ggonknees I often felt I wasnt a natural submissive and that I had to be, to be successful in the lifestyle, Ive learnt gradually over the last 6 years especially the last 2 years I am submissive and Ive tried to learn as much as I can but feel Im not holding that information in and this worries me.

Im a single mother also with a job that requires a lot of responsibility and felt because I hold 200% control in my day to day life I would never make it as a submissive plus Im naturally fiesty and what I would like to ask anyone who knows is do I surpress that fiestiness, I am naturally a witty sharp tongued person who usually doesnt think before she opens her mouth but in the presence of a Dominant I have noticed I seem to withdraw and clam up and this is begining to irk me somewhat.

Also just how does one weed out a Dominant who is just into it for kicks or kinky sex to the genuine Dominant I am seeking? It has taken me quite a long time to pluck up the courage to begin actively seeking but in the same breath I dont want to be tricked or fooled.

I'll be eternally grateful to the Dominant who gave me the addy for this site who knew it would help me no end, its great

Many Thanks

misundersub X

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RE: new submissive - 5/7/2005 7:12:03 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: misundersub I am naturally a witty sharp tongued person who usually doesnt think before she opens her mouth but in the presence of a Dominant I have noticed I seem to withdraw and clam up and this is begining to irk me somewhat.

Why exactly does it irk you? Is it because you hate feeling vulnerable? Many subs are control freaks, by nature or by situation. It can be very disconcerting for a new sub to learn how to deal with this feeling, to not be overwhelmed by it and to learn to work within a new frame of mind.

Learning to think before you open your mouth is always a good skill.

quote:

Also just how does one weed out a Dominant who is just into it for kicks or kinky sex to the genuine Dominant I am seeking? It has taken me quite a long time to pluck up the courage to begin actively seeking but in the same breath I dont want to be tricked or fooled.

The same way you do in vanilla world- get to know them, get to know their expectations.

(in reply to misundersub)

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RE: new submissive - 5/8/2005 9:43:21 AM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

My advice to you is just take your time. No need to rush a decisicion of this importance. E mail with them the proceed to talking on the phone thn eventually a meet in a publice place it took me 2 monthe before i met my Master. So the best advice i can give you is take it slow.

Good luck in you search.

JL's K

(in reply to misundersub)

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RE: new submissive - 5/8/2005 11:16:05 AM

BobcatsLilMinx

Posts: 201
Joined: 4/8/2005
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

Also just how does one weed out a Dominant who is just into it for kicks or kinky sex to the genuine Dominant I am seeking? It has taken me quite a long time to pluck up the courage to begin actively seeking but in the same breath I dont want to be tricked or fooled

This is most likely not a hard and fast rule... But the guys who are more interested in asking after your bra size and sending you kinky scenarios are probably more likely to be into BDSM just for the kinks than the guys who seem genuinely interested in taking the time to learn about you. So, weed out the really obvious HNGs first, and then spend time chatting with the Doms that seem more "real" - see which ones you get on with, which ones you feel you "click" with.

Don't look too hard, don't come off as too desperate. Accept that things take time, and I wish you the best of luck in your search!

Minx

(in reply to littleone35)

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RE: new submissive - 5/8/2005 6:11:38 PM

gretchen

Posts: 121
Joined: 3/8/2005
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline

Misundersub...

I notest your profile has no information at all about what are you seeking here. I would suggest to fill it up with all of your concerns and wishes...most of the same things your posting now. It might help to find the person you are looking for.

If your profile says nothing but the list of interests and your personal information. You will probably get a lot of Dominants interested only in the kinks, having your profile this empty.

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RE: new submissive - 5/8/2005 7:56:30 PM

HypatiaSwan

Posts: 24
Joined: 12/12/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: misundersub

Like ggonknees I often felt I wasnt a natural submissive and that I had to be, to be successful in the lifestyle, Ive learnt gradually over the last 6 years especially the last 2 years I am submissive and Ive tried to learn as much as I can but feel Im not holding that information in and this worries me.

<snip>
Im a single mother also with a job that requires a lot of responsibility and felt because I hold 200% control in my day to day life I would never make it as a submissive plus Im naturally fiesty and what I would like to ask anyone who knows is do I surpress that fiestiness...

I guess I wonder why you are in such a hurry to peg yourself as "submissive" at all. I mean, not everyone is submissive or dominant. I see some people come into the lifestyle, and they look around at all the pre-existing boxes and try to fit themselves into one of them. Well, that to me kind of sounds like putting the cart before the horse. Maybe it would be better if people searched for the lifestyle that was for them, instead of trying to fit into a ready-made box or label. I'm just trying to urge you not to force anything. Take your time and when you find something that resonates with you, you will know. It may not be submission. It may not be a power dynamic at all. I just do not think it is healthy to try to make major changes in yourself so that you might fit into someone else's preconceived notion of what it means to be 'submissive.'

There are submissives and non-submissives of all variety - fiesty, in control, mouthie etc. Anymore, there are all kinds of hybrids and combinations. I've heard such things as "submissive with a dominant personality.." and "girl with slave tendencies..." and people don't bat an eye. People understand that there is a broad spectrum of people out here. It's not productive to try and fit everyone into the few boxes - submissive, dominant, slave, switch, master... etc. What is more important than a label, is knowing yourself and knowing what your needs are. You might be submissive in some situations with your partner, and dominant in other situations.

Also, when most people say they are submissive, in this context, we understand it to mean that they are submissive in certain areas with their partners. They might be quite dominant in other parts of their lives - vocationally, with their children, co-workers, others in the lifestyle etc.

One final word of caution is to take what you read on the internet with a grain of salt. A lot of pages out there are more fantasy based or "best case scenario" based and it is hard for new people to discern which are realistic and which are embellished or altogether fabricated. When you get out and meet with real people, you will get a better idea of what these roles are like in practice.

Take your time and enjoy yourself. And don't worry so much! Just be yourself, be polite to everyone and you will be fine! Good luck!

< Message edited by HypatiaSwan -- 5/8/2005 7:58:58 PM >

_____________________________

"Once we meet and talk, we are brothers and sisters." - Okinawan Proverb

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RE: new submissive - 5/9/2005 12:06:27 PM

angelbob

Posts: 7
Joined: 12/8/2004
Status: offline

quote:

because I hold 200% control in my day to day life I would never make it as a submissive plus Im naturally fiesty and what I would like to ask anyone who knows is do I surpress that fiestiness, I am naturally a witty sharp tongued person who usually doesnt think before she opens her mouth but in the presence of a Dominant I have noticed I seem to withdraw and clam up and this is begining to irk me somewhat.

To some extent, you *don't* suppress that feistiness, not at first. A good dominant will be able to work with it, and will tell you how much he wants you to suppress it. I like feisty subs very much, because that means they're actually communicating with me. Once I know them and know what needs to be said, I may ask/command them to suppress that more... But at first, I need to know more about them, and that means that I'll often specifically command them to speak more often, and let them get away with more sarcasm just to get their first impressions of things.

Granted, a stuffy, rigid, generally inflexible dominant won't put up with this. And if a dominant makes it clear he's not okay with you communicating in that way, then you'd better do what he says. Still, I think you should consider carefully before deciding that "witty" and "sharp-tongued" are necessarily disadvantages in a submissive.

If you clam up more in the presence of a dominant, my guess is that you're not sure what s/he is comfortable with. My suggested remedy for this is the same as for many similar problems... ask. A good dominant is going to let you have room to negotiate, to ask things, to generally get a feel for how things work, especially with your current inexperience.

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RE: new submissive - 5/9/2005 3:27:38 PM

misundersub

Posts: 10
Joined: 5/7/2005
Status: offline

Hi and thanks to those of you who replied. You all have your own levels of experience and i suppose its like learning to drive, gets easier as time goes on.

In answer to gretchen, I havent added to my profile because I cant, having pc probs i wasnt aware of at the time of fillin it out and i cant reply to anyone either just as soon as its fixed ill be completing the profile, it wasnt because i have/had anything to hide.

I'll find my feet I always do its just nice to know theres always someone you can ask.

misundersub X

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RE: new submissive - 5/9/2005 5:44:12 PM

gretchen

Posts: 121
Joined: 3/8/2005
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline

Ouch!...Pc problems?...I have to work with the little fuckers every day, so know what it means. Let us know how does your search go after you fill it up then!.

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RE: new submissive - 5/10/2005 1:43:57 AM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

You don't have to be a submissive to be a success in the lifestyle... the Dominants do well also. *smiles* Are you sure submission is your niche? I suspect it is from what you said of your overwhelming responsibilities in the rest of your life, but you may want to consider the other side. Often times, trying both can help a person find where they really fit.

Do not worry too much about not remembering everything. You're human with a large load of responsibility. When you find your Dominant and things are important for you to remember, you will.

I think the best thing for you to do would be to go to a local munch group and get to know people. http://www.soj.org/articles/A%20Beginners%20Guide%20to%20BDSM%20Munches.htm will tell you what a munch is and what to expect at one. I'm not really great at UK geography, so I'm just going to give you a couple of links I have over there and hope you can manage to find something local via them.

http://www.bdsmlincolnshire.co.uk/
http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/

Another website you may find useful is http://latches.webslaves.com/ Good luck in your journey.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

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RE: new submissive - 5/10/2005 2:38:53 AM

misundersub

Posts: 10
Joined: 5/7/2005
Status: offline

Thanks BeachMystress for the advise and links its very much appreciated.

Believe it or not I have tried the 'other side' and found although I could Domme quite well it wasnt giving me the satisfaction (for the want of a better word) I need. Didnt feel quite right as though something was missing, its difficult to put into words. All it did was make me see I wanted to be the submissive.

Your right about the remembering part as well sometimes you just need someone else to point out the obvious

Once again many thanks

misundersub X

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RE: new submissive - 5/10/2005 5:38:39 AM

Oumae

Posts: 911
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline

There are some very good munches near where you are misundersub, ones in Leeds and York for starters.. details should be available on informed consent which BeachMystress gave you the addy for.
There are also some excellent clubs near you... Nemesis in Huddersfield being an example.
I'm in Ireland but have been over to places in the UK and always have found people friendly.

Oumae

_____________________________

Is cuma le fear na mbrog ca leagann se a chos.
( The man with the boots does not mind where he places his foot)

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