MaitresseEden
Posts: 477
Joined: 8/8/2004
From: Houston, Texas
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This was recently brought to my attention I feel it is extremely worthy of repeating, Master Steve Sampson is a wonderful man with whom I've had the great pleasure of getting to know over the years. I have always been impressed with the high caliber of subs that he has had and seeing the writings of this one makes it understandable.
Ms. Eden
Friends,
Last month i was privileged to present at Leather Leadership Conference
IX in Phoenix, AZ, under the title, "Where Are We Leatherfolk Going? And What
Will We Do When We Get There?" i'll spare you my speech, which was well
received, as it will soon be available on LeatherPage.com and eventually on the
LLC site, the APEX (AZ) site, and my own pages. But it introduced a workshop
on principles of BDSM ethics that was very constructive. i had prepared a
handout for it and encouraged people to share that -- and build on it -- without
copyright restrictions. Based on the discussion, i've prepared a much
better revised versions, and i'm now sharing that as widely as possible on the same
basis. (Special thanks are due for the contributions of Jonathan Krall, a
familiar presence on this list, though i alone am responsible for the
implementation in the text below.)
PLEASE understand that although the document is full of "do's,"
"don'ts," "shoulds" and "musts," that's true of any ethical principles. i speak
with no authority, and i'm NOT suggesting -- far from it! -- that anyone or any
group should try to enforce adherance to these principles. They are offered
from one longtime leatherman to others who wish to examine how they behave in
the dungeon and in their relationships, whether you've been kinky since birth <
g> or are just coming out, whether you're committed to "leather etc." as a
lifestyle or as a recreational alternative. Take what "speaks" to you and leave
the rest -- or modify it to serve your needs better! i don't want to start
any arguments, but some friendly discussion would be a good thing <g>.
It's been more than 20 years since "safe, sane, and consensual" was
coined, for better or worse. It's time we got beyond arguing about slogans
and started talking about how we *really* need to be treated and to treat each
other in order to derive the most joy, satisfaction, and personal growth from
our s/m, bondage, fetish, Dominant/submissive, and other kink-related erotic
(and nonerotic!) activities.
with respect and love for our communities,
slave david stein
www.boybear.us
ward of Master Steve Sampson
*****
SOME PRINCIPLES OF ETHICAL BDSMCopyright is hereby waived to the following, which may be reprinted or
reposted without charge or permission, but please give credit where due! Anyone may
adapt and build on this starting point -- including the author. Thanks to the
many participants in the workshop at Leather Leadership Conference IX in
Phoenix, AZ, where these principles made their debut and received some much-needed
qualifications, corrections, and additions.
slave david stein, [email protected]
ward of Master Steve Sampson
4/20/05
AIM AT EXCELLENCE IN ALL THAT YOU DO.Otherwise, why bother? There are much easier ways to get off. Everyone who
comes under your hand, or whom you submit to or serve, should be better off for
the experience. Does this mean humiliation or degradation have no place in
ethical BDSM? As training tools, they do; as ends in themselves, no.
BE HONEST.
Don't tell lies. Don't be complicit in lies by others. Withhold no necessary
information. Never promise what you can't deliver. Acknowledged roles and
fantasies aside, don't pretend to be what or who you're not. As far as possible,
know your own limits and make them clear to your partner -- but also realize,
if you're a bottom, sub, or slave, that these may be farther out than you
imagine they are.
DO NO HARM.
Giving or accepting pain is okay. Marks may be okay, even permanent ones.
Temporary disabilities may be okay if complete healing is to be expected. Even
helping someone die who's irreparably damaged and ready to go might be okay. But
inflicting permanent harm that diminishes the quality of life or the ability
to function in society and to earn a living is *not* okay. If you break your
toys, you can't play with them anymore. And if you're a bottom, submissive, or
slave, demoralizing your tops or Masters will mean that no one will want to
play with, control, or own you anymore.
NEITHER INFLICT NOR ACCEPT PAIN UNINTENTIONALLY.
Causing indiscriminate, unintentional pain is the mark of a bully or a dolt,
while accepting pain as simply one's lot in life is a victim mentality. Sadism
and Mastery are about control, and the ethical dimension requires control of
the sadist or Master's own impulsive behavior. But the same goes for bottoms,
submissives, and slaves, who can inflict *enormous* pain on their partners
without meaning to, simply by acting without thinking first. And they should also
take care not to accept pain they don't want, especially without a context
that makes it meaningful (such as serving a beloved Dominant or Master). Pain in
BDSM ought to be a deliberate transaction, not an accident or a byproduct.
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ASSESSING AND MANAGING YOUR OWN RISKS.Whether you get off on risk or not, risk-management is not the exclusive
responsibility of the top or Master. Everyone involved needs to become informed
about the risks involved in whatever kind of scene is in the offing and decide
whether they're worth running, as well as how to reduce or eliminate
unnecessary risks. Being careless or stupid isn't "hot" -- it's just careless or stupid.
DON'T USE BDSM FOR THERAPY COVERTLY.
Don't trap an s/m partner, let alone a D/s partner, into filling a
therapist's role for you. A BDSM session *can* bring up deep issues and have a
therapeutic effect, but unless you discuss this intention or possibility with your
partner ahead of time, try to keep your personal shit out of the dungeon. The same
goes double for a D/s relationship. While we should all seek whatever healing
we need, whether through BDSM or otherwise, no one wants to feel, afterward,
that you were just *using* her or him to work out your issues. If you have
specific psychic or emotional trigger points, make sure your partner knows about
them beforehand -- and can be trusted to *avoid* triggering them.
EVERYONE SHOULD FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT WHEN IT'S OVER.
And this "no regrets" reaction shouldn't be limited to just five minutes
later, but persist through the next day, the next week, the next month, and longer
-- the more intense the session, the more time someone may need to process
the feelings it brought up. With few exceptions, unless you leave your
partner(s) wanting to do it again, the session wasn't right. Ideally, the same should
be true of a relationship when it's over (this is *much* harder, but even more
important).
KINKY PEOPLE ARE STILL PEOPLE.
Even when we're puppies or ponies, Masters or Goddesses, slaves or toys, no
one is invulnerable, unfeeling, or unworthy of the presumption of respect.
RIGHT IS BETTER THAN "RIGHT NOW."
Patience is essential. Learn to wait for the right moment, the right partner,
the right time to present itself. Don't be afraid to say, "Thank you, no," or
"Not now." Learn to listen to your gut the right way -- not the part that
screams, "Feed me!" but the part that whispers, "No, there's something wrong
here" or "Yes, this is it. Go for it!"
TREAT OTHERS BETTER THAN YOURSELF.
Don't shortchange them the way you often do yourself. Treat others the way
you'd treat yourself if you had time for it . . . if you weren't feeling so
guilty . . . if you didn't have all these deadline pressures . . . if you didn't
have higher priorities . . . if you weren't a closet masochist . . .
FINISH WHAT YOU START.
Don't take control of a bottom's mind unless you know how to return it again
when you're finished. Don't break a bottom or a slave you're not prepared to
put back together again. Don't enter training without intending to complete it,
come what may (barring only the most extreme circumstances). Don't walk out
of a scene partway through; if there's provocation that can't be ignored, walk
away and calm down, then come back and finish it. If you enter a contractual
D/s or M/s relationship, fulfill your end of the bargain no matter what; even
though you *can* walk away without legal consequences, you forfeit your honor. C
aveat: Don't enter such a contract unless there are provisions for honorable
release if *either* party comes to find the terms intolerable. "Honorable"
means due responsibility is accepted, but there's no shame, no blame, and no
drama. Both parties walk away with a clean reputation and no animus toward the
other.
DON'T MESS WITH SOMEONE'S LIVELIHOOD OR FAMILY.
Unless someone explicitly invites you into the parts of her or his life that
concern family or making a living, it's best to assume these are off limits.
Therefore, nothing should occur during a session that might threaten those
areas unless consent is secured *in advance*, before any action starts. For
instance: shaving the head or eyebrows, piercings, tattooing, preventing someone
from reporting in to work or calling family members . . . . The same goes for a
bottom, sub, or slave encroaching on a partner's private space, like calling a
number you were told not to use or interacting with his/her work colleagues or
family members even though you haven't been introduced.
DON'T TAKE YOUR PARTNER(S) FOR GRANTED.Depend on them, count on them, lean on them as needed and appropriate, but
never, ever lose the awareness that their presence in your life is a gift and a
grace, not an entitlement, not even a quid pro quo. This is so whether you are
a top or a bottom, a Master or a slave, a Dominant or a submissive, or even a
switch. Having one or more partners you *can* count on, whether for a scene
or a lifetime, is an incalculable gift. Don't devalue it by taking it for
granted.
RESPECT DIVERSITY.Not everyone is turned on, or off, by the same things, or to the same degree,
and that's okay. Not everyone does things the same way either, and that's
okay, too. There's more than one way to swing a cat, to process pain, to wrap a
mummy, to train a slave, to serve a Mistress, to scare an adrenaline junkie out
of his skin, or to bring the biggest smile ever to a hard-working top's face.
Be very grateful if you can master *one* of these ways, and don't use your
achievement to put down someone who's taken a different route to the same goal.
_____________________________
"If I didnt define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other peoples fantasies for me and eaten alive. - Audre Lorde"
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