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RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/11/2007 1:21:35 AM

canupleaseme

Posts: 775
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline

I think my turning point was realising I am actually a very capable and able Domme. I went through a stage of thinking "who are you kidding" and losing my confidence as a Domme. I know feel that I am getting to be a confident assured assertive domina and the proof is in the pudding with my very happy boy and sissy maid

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RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/11/2007 1:50:29 AM

subsfaith

Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline

Those days of beginnings seem so far behind me now but I do chuckle to myself when I think how I adamantly told my first dominant man,

"No man will ever hit me WITH my consent!"

I was young and foolish and knew not what I was saying, and I have now earnt my wings as a masochist LOL

:: smiles ::

(in reply to canupleaseme)

Post #: 22

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/11/2007 1:58:13 AM

WhiplashSmile

Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline

It used to mess with my mind about controlling or leading people when I was younger. I found myself double checking the fact that people actually enjoyed being directed or being controlled by another person. Somewhere about the time I was in 4th grade I had learned some hard knocks about healthy control vs. unhealthy control. The natural process of exploring the limits of control and the major self realization of not wanting to turn into school yard bully. In short I learned to appreciate the desires and wants of other people really quickly.

I was raised that girls were all pure and innocent and whatnot, this view ended up changing in time as well. One epiphany after another epiphany and still more epiphanies.

I tend to find more human being that long for organization and structure however, don't want the role or responsibility for whatever reasons. There are more people willing to join a group verses start a group, more followers compared to leaders. Hell, it's just human nature and this was a big epiphany for me. Many people are taught not to boss other people around or try to control other people, but there more to it then this alone. In many regards parents teaching leadership to children at home is a bit of a lost art form I believe. There are probally a number of what I call lost Dom personalities stuck struggling with themselves without coming to full realization of their potentials.

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)

Post #: 23

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/11/2007 2:56:55 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
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What was I most wrong about? Easy... "The scene"

20 or so years ago I lived in a diffrent part of the country and had a look at what "The scene" had to offer...... The answer was nothing. A handfull of TV's and a closed little clique dressed in rubber. Every single one with their head up their ass and a distinct feeling that not one would recognise a D/s dynamic if it bit them........ My view as to what the scene was became set on a rather jaded PoV

Early last year one lovely young lady persuaded Me to give it another look, I was dubious but she was 'very' persuaisive

I haven't looked back. The majority of folks are great, the cliques are few (In real life.... a bit more apparent on-line) and hell I am even learning a few things (Looking forward to improving My ropework with some workshops later in the year for one thing)

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This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)

Post #: 24

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/11/2007 3:15:25 AM

MsCara

Posts: 31
Joined: 6/26/2004
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Over the years I have learned and grown so many times. I think the biggest change has been to be tolerant of others. To realize that m-a-y-b-e my way isn't the only way <gasp>. We as a community like to believe we live outside the proverbial box when sometimes all we do is live inside our new box. I always believed anyone that "switched" wasn't "real" .. believe me, I would tell them so as well. I learned we shouldn't be identified and assign identies based on role. ~~ smiles ..
Cara

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 25

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/11/2007 5:48:01 AM

PrincessEllie

Posts: 287
Joined: 11/30/2006
Status: offline

Hoo boy. I'm pretty sure I've been wrong about a lot of things, but I can only remember a few. I admit I have had ever changing perceptions of being collared ever since I found out what BDSM was.

First I thought it was when a Dom/me said S/He wanted to own you and bought you a collar and made you wear it.
But then I learned you could be owned without being collared and that often times the Sub bought the collar I had a change of perception. Being owned is to Dating as being collared is to Marriage. That's what I know now. And that I'm not allowed to wear a collar since I've not been even put into consideration by a Dom. [Which makes me sort of grumpy because my collar is really pretty.]

_____________________________

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But whips and chains excite me
So tie me up
Or hold me down
And bite me baby, bite me!

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(in reply to FelinePersuasion)

Post #: 26

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/11/2007 5:49:06 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NakedGirlScout

For example, one of my favourites was "I cannot truly be controlled by anyone."

i use to think that way "no man controls this woman" until i met Daddy yet the kind of control he exhibited was a total shock to me. somehow He knew that someone who was overly controlling or forceful wasn't the type of dominant for me ...He uses more of a loving, nuturing, and caring type of dominance over me.

i too was raised Catholic and then Baptist and when i was teen, the sex talk was given to me by the church we attended. SEX (before marriage or having a baby out of wedlock) including viewing porn movies and magazines was a sin and it was constantly preached down my throat until i left for college. nothing sparks a young mind when the pastor does a sermon about those sinners who engagement sexual deviant practices (BDSM) and how they are sinning, etc etc. when i discovered my submissive side, i realized some of the things i was doing wasn't so deviant and/or sexually as my former pastor crammed down my throat.

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...

...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)

Post #: 27

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/11/2007 6:24:32 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: N4SDChastity

for me it's been more evolutionary, than revolutionary. No great epiphinanies, no salient elightenment, no moments of prescience. Just a slow, glacial coming-of-age. But, that is true of my life, as a whole.

i would agree the above says it for me too. Some of my evolutioncame quickly and other aspects i can see happened in this direction at a much slower pace. The person i was 2 years ago would never have believed she would become what i am today. i have broken through so many of my personal taboos and hard limits that at times it is scarey. But i suppose the main thing is that i never thought i would submit to a man...ever. i still remember the day that "epiphany" hit - it was like a part of me died and another part rose from the ashes - i truly was reborn.

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to N4SDChastity)

Post #: 28

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/11/2007 6:40:03 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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If I had to have had an epiffany about anything, it was how wrong I was as to being brought in backwards. I heard so many times that, if I've never served, I had no real clue how to dominate. I'm not saying certain things didn't take Me longer to learn, but it's not a standard rule that to be a good top, first you have to bottom. My first slave brought Me into this lifestyle, and I'm eternally grateful for everything I learned from him.

(in reply to dawntreader)

Post #: 29

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/11/2007 7:00:28 AM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

As i've stated in other threads before, the biggest surprise to me was that to be a "good"slave, i didn't have to "check my brain at the door." As someone who became interested in bdsm as a teenager, there were many reasons why, as i became an adult, i didn't take steps to actually meet a like-minded partner and step into the lifestyle, so to speak. Perhaps the biggest one was that i had this misconception that all slaves were not allowed to have, let alone voice, opinions. i also thought that an M/s relationship couldn't really involve love. i thought that, as property, love was something that simply wouldn't have a place.

As the title of this thread is "what did you discover you were most wrong about," these are the two things i found i was very, very wrong about. i have since learned that, even though there are many D/s and M/s relationships where a slave isn't permitted any opinion/voice and where love definitely does not enter in, i have discovered that they all don't have to be that way. i have learned that with my particular Master and in O/our particular relationship, He values my opinions and thoughts and He loves me more than either of U/us ever imagined possible. Those have been the most wonderful, blissful realizations of my life!

slave luci

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To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)

Post #: 30

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/11/2007 7:09:22 AM

petdave

Posts: 2479
Status: offline

Dang, that's like asking "Which cloud in the sky is poofiest?"

i'm one of those "lifelong" people... so i started out thinking that i was normal...
then thought i was THE ONLY ONE (tm)...
then realized that there was a "scene", and thought that as long as i made myself a "true slave" all would be well...
then realized that there was no "true slave"...
then realized that the "scene" was no magical place where societal rules don't apply, and a loser is still a loser...
then realized that the being a submissive doesn't mean always getting what you want...

...so many poofy clouds!

i'd say #1 and #2 were the most inaccurate, but #5 was the most painful discovery... and if you can't use pain as a metric here, where can you use it?

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)

Post #: 31

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/11/2007 7:12:40 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

Many things if I thought about it. A few off the top of my head.

Using a long single tail is more difficult than it looks. As a corollary - "Accidents" while learning to use one results in hurting yourself much more than you would ever hurt your intended victim.

People DO take "on-line" seriously.

In the early days, I was wrong having "morning after" guilt after inflicting pain and doing "wrong" things to woman and enjoying it.

I'm still wrong in assuming that everyone understands and appreciates my humor and is having as much fun as I am.

I was wrong in being cynical and jaded. The belief that, although I could find a woman who would be my submissive for a night, a few days or a long weekend; no woman would have the ability or desire to serve 24/7 under my definitions for the labels Master and slave. After more than 4 years I guess I trust that she won't wake up one day and turn into a "vanilla" or a vanilla bitch...almost!

beth "wrongs":

Thinking she had to go to Amsterdam or at least New York City to go to a BDSM club.

she was a "freak", and "perverted" and needed medication and counseling to be cured of her desires. (she just needed a Master!) Although some people think she is a freak because she feels and acts upon these submissive desires all the time; and doesn't need a 'vacation'.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 32

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/11/2007 7:21:55 AM

Aileen68

Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline

I've discovered that pain is not romantic. It hurts. But it also gets me incredibly aroused.
I've discovered that admitting that I'm more of a masochist than I ever thought takes less energy than fighting or denying that concept.
I've discovered that the one person that I never thought I would be able to submit to has stepped up to the plate and has pushed me farther than I thought I could go. As a result, he has uncovered a sleeping sadist and natural dominance within himself.

< Message edited by Aileen68 -- 5/11/2007 7:22:34 AM >

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)

Post #: 33

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/11/2007 7:26:58 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NakedGirlScout

In terms of BDSM as it relates to yourself and to your relationships, have you ever had an epiphany (or a slow grinding change of perspective) that proved to you that a very closely held belief of yours was completely wrong? Have you ever changed your opinion (or had it changed) to something diametrically opposed? How did it change you as a person?

I'm doing this as a little introspective for myself but I thought I'd share it. I'm going through a lot of changes where I'm finding myself letting go of dearly held beliefs of mine. For example, one of my favourites was "I cannot truly be controlled by anyone." Having that belief and yet secretly yearning for it not to be true, it was a shock to say the least when I discovered it wasn't true. Then came the stage where I had to re-evaluate who I was as a person, if I were now a person who could be controlled rather than someone who couldn't be.

Has anything that drastic in your understanding of things happened to you, and what came of it?

Great question!

Because of the way I was brought up, I was taught that it was wrong, wrong, WRONG to ever hit a woman...no woman wanted to be hit and the only reason you could get away with it was because you were bigger, not because you were right. Imagine my surprise to find out that some women actually liked being hit AND...gave you permission to do so!!!! (thank you Betty...I will always love you for teaching me this while coming to the same realization).
I started out with basic definitions of what dominance and submission, topping and bottoming, sadism and masochism were. Layers upon layers were added on. No real epiphany here but a gradually evolving understanding that for some, it is NOT a full-time thing and that for all, while there may be agreement on many if not most salient points (if there wasn't, there'd be no relationships of any kind...either casual or permanent), there are variations in our thoughts of what D/s BDSM is for us as individuals.
I've realized that while many say they want honest communication right from the beginning that actually, in the beginning, many want it only as long as it does not point out something that you consider to be wrong. Many, dominant and submissive, do not like having something "called" on them and rather than take the time to discuss it will simply dismiss you from their life. And yes, it was when a submissive did it to me a few years ago that I realized that I had done so to another earlier in my journey when she ...correctly, in looking back....called me on a display of inconsiderate behavior that I felt she had no business calling me on since we were just getting started.
So now, I try to be a bit more tactful while still hanging onto the belief that, if an issue bothers me in the beginning and I don't say something, that issue is going to bother me later and then, when I say something, she will wonder where, all of a sudden, my being bothered by something she has done before without my saying anything, came from.

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)

Post #: 34

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/11/2007 8:03:41 AM

KinkyFreak

Posts: 2
Joined: 5/10/2007
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(in reply to FelinePersuasion)

Post #: 35

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/11/2007 9:04:26 AM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline

I have this weird thing about consent and negotiation that I know I'm wrong about but can't get over.

Basically, I want the same standards of consent for D/s interactions as I want for SM interactions (this is a confusion created by lumping D/s with all the other stuff). I had an epiphany about my mistake a while back but I'm still trying to retrain myself away from the misguided expectations created by the error. A Dominant does something I don't expect (or like) and my immediate reaction is to protest on the grounds that its not something we've negotiated and then I have to decide whether he's a presumptuous ass hole or a skilled Dominant. I'm learning to take my time with coming to this decision, but I still have to go through the process because I haven't been able to really internalize my greater understanding of D/s (as opposed to SM) and the differences in consent.

I used to feel bad because I let D's do things I didn't consent to so I thought I was basically a spineless wuss who let guys walk all over me, but lately as I'm understanding more about power exchange as a process, I'm realizing that's probably not the case. With D/s one consents to a process, rather than a series of discreet activities as in SM without the D/s.

Anyway, I'm still working on getting it right.

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)

Post #: 36

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/11/2007 9:27:51 AM

NakedGirlScout

Posts: 370
Joined: 1/10/2006
From: Toronto
Status: offline

All your responses were great and very helpful to me as well, as a fairly new slave still in her first year of being owned.

gypsygrl, yes! right on, I'm still getting knee-jerk angry when I'm told to do something I consider 'unfair' and mentally having to stop myself from using ridiculous arguments, like the one that I have to consent to every single thing he asks of me in everyday life. I sure am glad I am not alone, so I don't feel so bad.

(cos if you do it too, then it somehow makes it less bad of me to do it... LOL)

(in reply to gypsygrl)

Post #: 37

RE: What did you discover you were most wrong about? - 5/11/2007 10:51:40 AM

wyldsubmissive

Posts: 157
Joined: 5/7/2005
Status: offline

My ephiphany was more like screaming denial. For the longest time I thought I was submissive, and that was all I was ever meant to be.

Unfortunately, I am incredibly susceptible to my former Dom/current boyfriends statements concerning myself.

He told me that I wasn't a submissive I was just a fetishist. I spent quite some time crying and denying it. But then I realised that I'm not submissive all the time as I thought, and I'm not dominant 24/7. But I'm not a switch.

Oh. And the mental image of a man kneeling at my knees naked was the most beautiful eye opener I've ever had.

_____________________________

"A man's ability to have an erection has very little to do with my desire to submit to him.... If that were the case, I would have submitted to my vibrator years ago."

-credited to champangewishes

(in reply to canupleaseme)

Post #: 38

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