RE: Dominant or Narcissist?

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RE: Dominant or Narcissist? - 5/11/2005 1:04:14 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress

[tiptoe] There is a fine line between a healthy caution regarding others and their motives and feeling that every motive of men must be questioned. From what I've read over time on the board, you're an intelligent, well spoken woman with a good dose of common sense. *tiptoes even softer* You shouldn't be having all of your relationships leaving you so paranoid about men. Sometimes, something in our past or something about us causes us to choose a certain type of person or attract a certain type of person. This seems like it may be true of you, and the type of person you're attracting/choosing isn't always healthy. While you may be able to look into your past and figure out where the problem lies, it is always easier to do this type of thing with help. It can be hard to look into the mirror of why we act the way we do, and a therapist can help us. There are therapists who are what they call kink friendly and you can find one in your area via KAP (Kink Aware Professionals.) http://www.bannon.com/kap/ While you'd benefit from a vanilla therapist, it is easier and you get more benefit from one with whom you can discuss all aspects of yourself. You're worth a hell of a lot more than the users it sounds like you often attract/choose. [/tiptoe]

Off topic

This has been brought up twice now. i whole heartedly agree. (Not specifically about you Babygrl) but in general. when i was in an abusive relationship, i spoke to the next victem in line. She clued me in on a few things. (as she had been in one years before and had gone to therapy) There IS something in us that attracts those types of ppl. Its something They can see. And if you dont get to some one who can help you figure it out, you will repeatedly attract the same time of person over and over again. You will continue to send out smoke signals, per say. Attract and be attracted. Its something inside.

On Topic

i dont think they can truely be (that 5 dollar word starting with N). i think it can be a balance. i think its good for our Masters to have a good ego. i think its good for ppl to have a good ego. Even if it can go over the top. But to truely be the 5 dollar word i dont think they're a Dom.

Master has a massive ego. i think its cute and it gives me a chuckle. He knows he has a massive ego. = ) So maybe there can be traits, maybe there is a balance, but i dont think the two go hand in hand.

Just seems that way sometimes.

P.S. What a GREAT thread to start BabyGrl

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 5/11/2005 1:13:31 PM >

(in reply to BeachMystress)

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RE: Dominant or Narcissist? - 5/13/2005 6:41:29 AM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

Alright. So I am reading this post and thinking to myself that I might be somewhat narcissistic. But then, as I often do, I go and look at the definition of the word before assuming yet another label.

Main Entry: nar•cis•sism
Pronunciation: 'när-s&-"si-z&m
Function: noun
Etymology: German Narzissismus, from Narziss Narcissus, from Latin Narcissus
1 : EGOISM, EGOCENTRISM
2 : love of or sexual desire for one's own body

Alright, right off the bat, let’s talk about n°2. As much as looking at myself naked in the mirror turns me on, I believe it is not my main source of desire. Others are. So though n°2 is not incorrect, I would say it isn’t a strong statement.

Now n°1 is an interesting concept.

Main Entry: ego•ism
Pronunciation: 'E-g&-"wi-z&m also 'e-
Function: noun
1 a : a doctrine that individual self-interest is the actual motive of all conscious action b : a doctrine that individual self-interest is the valid end of all actions
2 : excessive concern for oneself with or without exaggerated feelings of self-importance -- compare EGOTISM 2

Main Entry: ego•cen•tric
Pronunciation: "E-gO-'sen-trik also "e-
Function: adjective
1 : concerned with the individual rather than society
2 : taking the ego as the starting point in philosophy
3 a : limited in outlook or concern to one's own activities or needs b : SELF-CENTERED, SELFISH

I guess this is where I can see where Thorns is getting at and somewhat identify with what he is saying. In fact, I believe that is it in everyone’s self-interest, whether they are dominant, submissive or other to have a little narcissism or egoism going on. Let’s put it this way, if you don’t put yourself first, no one else will. And even those who seemingly do, are really looking for what it is they can gain by doing so. Sounds harsh, I know. I’ve been, there, I’ve lived it.

Now like anything else, none of this should be taken to extremes. Is an extremely narcissistic dominant toxic? Yup. Is a dominant with a well balanced dose of narcissisms balanced out with the ability to be incredibly sympathetic and empathetic a good thing? Yes! In my opinion, one doesn't nullify the other. Remember, we aren’t one dimensional creatures. We are multi-faceted complex individuals, each with a combination of traits as unique as our finger prints.

This probably doesn’t help your original question very much Babygirl, but at the same time, I wanted to demonstrate to you that one particular trait is not necessarily a bad thing. It’s better to look at the whole picture.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to MrThorns)

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RE: Dominant or Narcissist? - 5/14/2005 9:26:18 AM

kyakitten

Posts: 145
Joined: 11/21/2004
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Babygirl, what a great topic. And on an aside, the daffodils (aka narcissi) are in blossom outside right now so it seems especially appropriate here in the northeast US!

I've encountered far more narcissists who call themselves Doms than non-narcissistic Doms, but the two terms are not synonymous, and this becomes apparent as soon as you meet a non-narcissistic Dom/me and see how many people's interests he/she recognizes and honors alongside his/her own. The folly of the mythical character Narcissus was that he literally could not see or love anyone other than himself. The modern narcissist is not quite so overt about it but the limitations are just the same.

I suspect there's probably an overabundance of narcissists in the BDSM world (Dom and sub?) because it offers an easy way for narcissists to justify all their selfishness to themselves. When you talk with someone the first few times for 4-5 hours and they never ask you about your life ..... when someone ignores or brushes aside your opinions repeatedly..... when everything is for his/her own good at your expense even before entering a D/s arrangement designed to prioritize the Dom's preferences - those are good signs you're talking to a narcissist. It's easy for subs to ignore those things because we can be hopeful and prone to see the best in our abusers. But the more you respect yourself, the easier you can recognize abuse and get over your taste for it. (I'm a recovering narcissistaholic myself.)

I agree with LA - self-interest is extremely important. It just shouldn't be the only important thing, which is the hallmark of a Narcissist.

For fun, here's a link to one retelling of the myth of Narcissus: http://lrs.ed.uiuc.edu/students/mmarassa/mythology/echo.html

< Message edited by kyakitten -- 10/5/2005 8:31:35 PM >

(in reply to ruffnecksbabygir)

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