what are Dominant's responsibilities?

what are Dominant's responsibilities? (Full Version)

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Phoenix2raven -> what are Dominant's responsibilities? (5/11/2007 10:58:51 PM)
raven (she) says: if a sub isn't able to perform "normal" duties because of permanent disability and then is further hindered by recent, severe health problems ... does that mean the Dom is right to not uphold his promised responsibilities? even if he's healthy enough to do so? ((assume the sub does whatever she can to the best of her ability, giving 100% of who she is to her Dom, and that is the original agreement the two had))

MasterFireMaam -> RE: what are Dominant's responsibilities? (5/11/2007 11:31:31 PM)
It's the same question as if you'd expect a man to stay married to a wife who becomes permanently disabled. It's a hard call, totally subjective and really can only be decided by those in the situation. Master Fire

Focus50 -> RE: what are Dominant's responsibilities? (5/12/2007 3:24:13 AM)
I don't see it as a contest or some sort of negotiated "Cold War" truce. If she does her best, she's fulfilled her obligations. But I'm not a tyrant; if I own her it's because I love her and I'm sure as hell not gonna send her out to "toil in the fields" if she's unwell, not even if she's still physically able. When she's sick, her primary responsibility is to do what it takes to get better, be it to rest, take her meds, attend the doctors - whatever. Just because her role is to serve me is not to say I'm incapable of looking after myself, OR her, too, when she's ill. Focus.

bandit25 -> RE: what are Dominant's responsibilities? (5/12/2007 3:27:38 AM)
I don't think this is a matter of right or wrong. Like MFM stated, it's up to the two. Personally, I believe that if she's unable to do whatever and he uses that as an excuse not to live up to his responsibilities, she's prolly better off without him, but that's just my opinion.

agirl -> RE: what are Dominant's responsibilities? (5/12/2007 4:03:41 AM)
Hello raven, quote: ORIGINAL: Phoenix2raven raven (she) says: if a sub isn't able to perform "normal" duties because of permanent disability and then is further hindered by recent, severe health problems ... does that mean the Dom is right to not uphold his promised responsibilities? even if he's healthy enough to do so? ((assume the sub does whatever she can to the best of her ability, giving 100% of who she is to her Dom, and that is the original agreement the two had)) The part that I'd find worrying would be if it was.......* I'm NOT doing this because you CAN'T do that. There's a difference between can't and won't/don't want to. I wouldn't consider it a right or wrong issue. I would consider it a glaring difference in expectations. Circumstances change and people aren't always willing to admit that they haven't the same drive to be in them. agirl

Phoenix2raven -> RE: what are Dominant's responsibilities? (5/12/2007 7:49:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: agirl The part that I'd find worrying would be if it was.......* I'm NOT doing this because you CAN'T do that. There's a difference between can't and won't/don't want to. I wouldn't consider it a right or wrong issue. I would consider it a glaring difference in expectations. Circumstances change and people aren't always willing to admit that they haven't the same drive to be in them. agirl it's a "won't" issue. it's also a blowing up in anger, "i'm sick of you" issue. after he displayed some verbally abusive behavior towards me, i gave him his collar and told him, "i can't wear this until you get control of yourself." so now i'm just processing everything. i just can't understand the reasoning that he is the way he is solely because of my health issues. or why he stopped being Dominant towards me, stopped keeping up his end of the power exchange.

MrDiscipline44 -> RE: what are Dominant's responsibilities? (5/12/2007 7:57:06 AM)
It takes two to make the relationship work.

agirl -> RE: what are Dominant's responsibilities? (5/12/2007 9:32:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Phoenix2raven quote: ORIGINAL: agirl The part that I'd find worrying would be if it was.......* I'm NOT doing this because you CAN'T do that. There's a difference between can't and won't/don't want to. I wouldn't consider it a right or wrong issue. I would consider it a glaring difference in expectations. Circumstances change and people aren't always willing to admit that they haven't the same drive to be in them. agirl it's a "won't" issue. it's also a blowing up in anger, "i'm sick of you" issue. after he displayed some verbally abusive behavior towards me, i gave him his collar and told him, "i can't wear this until you get control of yourself." so now i'm just processing everything. i just can't understand the reasoning that he is the way he is solely because of my health issues. or why he stopped being Dominant towards me, stopped keeping up his end of the power exchange. Only he can tell you what's going on.......... if he's willing and able to. In what way or ways has he stopped being dominant toward you? agirl

slaveish -> RE: what are Dominant's responsibilities? (5/12/2007 9:34:30 AM)
The Golden Rule always seems appropriate to me.

Level -> RE: what are Dominant's responsibilities? (5/12/2007 11:04:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Focus50 I don't see it as a contest or some sort of negotiated "Cold War" truce. If she does her best, she's fulfilled her obligations. But I'm not a tyrant; if I own her it's because I love her and I'm sure as hell not gonna send her out to "toil in the fields" if she's unwell, not even if she's still physically able. When she's sick, her primary responsibility is to do what it takes to get better, be it to rest, take her meds, attend the doctors - whatever. Just because her role is to serve me is not to say I'm incapable of looking after myself, OR her, too, when she's ill. Focus. Well said.

cjenny -> RE: what are Dominant's responsibilities? (5/12/2007 11:14:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam It's the same question as if you'd expect a man to stay married to a wife who becomes permanently disabled. It's a hard call, totally subjective and really can only be decided by those in the situation. Master Fire I am in agreement with that ^. Sometimes a person doesn't know how they will deal with that situation until it happens. Not everyone can handle being with someone disabled especially if it increases during the early part of a relationship. Some people just can't adjust to being a forever caretaker & I really do understand that. I don't like it but I understand it. It cost me my marriage of 17 years. Edited to add: I did blame him at first. I mean sheesh it was supposed to be for better/worse til death do us part yadda yadda. Over time I realised he simply could not handle it & it would have been wrong of me not to set him loose. Tragedy, illness and the like are not things that where a reaction can be predicted. I can't think of those that have to leave as weak or crappy, sometimes that is THEIR survival. I hope I didn't sound cynical?

ownedgirlie -> RE: what are Dominant's responsibilities? (5/12/2007 11:34:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cjenny . I hope I didn't sound cynical? On the contrary, you sounded loving and understanding.

cjenny -> RE: what are Dominant's responsibilities? (5/12/2007 11:41:00 AM)
Thankyou ownedgirlie, sometimes it can be so hard using text & I worry about being misunderstood. So..... thanks.

Kinkypupper -> RE: what are Dominant's responsibilities? (5/12/2007 5:29:57 PM)
There is a big difference between moral right and "legal" right. also the ability to sleep at night :-) If it was a M/s relationship my opinion is the "Master" should take care of ther slave but thats my "moral" answer, others my say kick her to the curb and move on.

Phoenix2raven -> RE: what are Dominant's responsibilities? (5/13/2007 7:06:12 PM)
it's helping me so much to process some of my problem here, i don't have any lifestyle friends offline i can ask for help and advice. thank you all! i really appreciate it. quote: ORIGINAL: cjenny I am in agreement with that ^. Sometimes a person doesn't know how they will deal with that situation until it happens. Not everyone can handle being with someone disabled especially if it increases during the early part of a relationship. Some people just can't adjust to being a forever caretaker & I really do understand that. I don't like it but I understand it. It cost me my marriage of 17 years. Edited to add: I did blame him at first. I mean sheesh it was supposed to be for better/worse til death do us part yadda yadda. Over time I realised he simply could not handle it & it would have been wrong of me not to set him loose. Tragedy, illness and the like are not things that where a reaction can be predicted. I can't think of those that have to leave as weak or crappy, sometimes that is THEIR survival. I hope I didn't sound cynical? no, not at all! i feel the same way about it, he needs to take care of himself first, before he can even think about taking care of another person. when we met, i was very open about my disability and health problems. we've talked about it - he used to be a professional caregiver and he says it's not the issue. it only seems to be the issue when he's angry, then it comes up, which confuses me (doesn't the truth come out when we're angry?) [quote]ORIGINAL: agirl In what way or ways has he stopped being dominant toward you? we were just discussing this tonight. he's stopped giving me orders or even asking me to do things, because he just assumes i can't do them. like, if i say once or twice i can't do something, and give him a reason (not just saying no, or "won't") he doesn't try again another day. he's stopped sceneing with me, since i can't do "heavier" scenes, we don't do any at all. after we talked and read this thread together, he gave me a small task list :) yayy! i'm sorry about my OP, i used the wrong word with "rights" ... it's more about responsibility. like, if i can't pick up things on the floor because of back pain, he used to simply fix my back quickly so i could do the task. but then he stopped doing that, and gets upset that i can't pick things up when my back hurts. i was/am still confused about his responsibilities as my Dominant - should he be keeping up his end of the power exchange even when i can't submit in the exact ways he expects? still processing, and thankful for this forum

MstrssPassion -> RE: what are Dominant's responsibilities? (5/13/2007 8:05:20 PM)
this is still about the level of commitment you have for one another & how the two of you define the structure of your dynamic we, anyone you ask, cannot be the judge of what is right or wrong in your relationship nor can we tell you with no uncertain terms that because he is a dominant that he HAS to do XYZ What you both have to do is assess your relationship & see where you stand as far as your future commitment to one another. Because of the fact that your physical condition is apparently changing frequently, you may have to do this frequently. Things have obviously changed for you & in turn, things have changed for him... you can't hold him to things in a way you originally agreed to when you yourself can no longer hold to them.

hawkwolf7 -> RE: what are Dominant's responsibilities? (5/13/2007 8:45:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion this is still about the level of commitment you have for one another & how the two of you define the structure of your dynamic we, anyone you ask, cannot be the judge of what is right or wrong in your relationship nor can we tell you with no uncertain terms that because he is a dominant that he HAS to do XYZ What you both have to do is assess your relationship & see where you stand as far as your future commitment to one another. Because of the fact that your physical condition is apparently changing frequently, you may have to do this frequently. Things have obviously changed for you & in turn, things have changed for him... you can't hold him to things in a way you originally agreed to when you yourself can no longer hold to them. I've got to agree with MP. But, I would add, that were I in your shoes, I would have to ask myself a very important question. Would I really want my partner to fulfill their responsibilities to me if it was no longer working for them? For whatever reason? And whether or not I was holding up my end of the bargain doesn't really enter into the equation. For me, the answer would be a definite NO. I need my partner to want to be with me, not to feel obligated, not to feel it was their duty. But you need to make your own decision as to what is right for you. Another thought: You might consider altering the parameters of the relationship until it will work (at least at some level) for both of you. HW

MagiksSlave -> RE: what are Dominant's responsibilities? (5/13/2007 10:49:15 PM)
WOW he sounds like he is a spoiled child "she cant do all the things I want her to so im not gunna do the things she wants me to" thats something I would hope most grow out of by age 8!!! your better off without him now that he is showing his true collors Magik's slave

HeavansKeeper -> RE: what are Dominant's responsibilities? (5/14/2007 4:21:57 AM)
You left out all the batter-dipped deep fried facts. I'm not saying spill your personal business, but what "normal" duties can the sub no longer perform? Lets say she can no longer clean floors or do laundry and the Dom has made the promise to not have other subs/women in the house. Then I would say it's fair to consider getting a housekeeper or find a housework sub. That'd be a violation of an original agreement. I'm just being the Devil's advocate here, 99% of the time if the sub is giving 100%, Master should aswell. Merit counts, not just results.

Lockit -> RE: what are Dominant's responsibilities? (5/14/2007 12:21:27 PM)
Hello Phoenix2raven, I'm one of the newer kid's on the block and won't just jump in anywhere... but this topic I have lived. I am actually learning it from the Domme side now... but before it was from a submissive point of view. In my case, I was ill to begin with. I was once told that I put my illness before him. (excuse me?) One moment my limitations were understood with compassion and at other times, he was a raging bull and I was the china shop. (I did learn how submissive I couldn't be though! lol) I remained the same... he on the other hand used my illness to seemingly be mr. wonderful and then abused me when he was in a temper, most often over someone else or his emotional issues. First of all I want to say that I am very sorry that you are in pain and are suffering. It is pure hell to go through this but it is made worse by those around us sometimes. My first question would not be like your own. Mine would come more from the aspect of what is shared in the relationship. If it was loving... why isn't it now? If it was good for you... why isn't it now? People can get emotional in situations like this and some bit of confusion, pain, loss, fear and so much more will come into play... BUT... if W/we can't play nice and in normal charactor for THAT relationship... I would be questioning what was really there in the first place. When a submissive gives their whole heart and in my opinion... soul... who is anyone to smash it? If it is not your fault that you are ill or suffering, then it should not become a punishment scene! If things change and people cannot change with them... then go the f away... don't stay there and punish the one who is not needing punishment! (I know I am going to get more than One ticked off Dom/Domme here... darn it! But I have to speak my mind sometimes, no matter the fallout.) Your job is to be as healthy as you can be and live true to who you are and it isn't your job to defend yourself against another who can't handle your illness and all it entails, especially if your illness or disability were known to begin with. There should be no abuse of power postions because someone is disappointed in an unwillful act and an issue of health matters that cannot be controled by a submissive... in my redheaded opinion. Now if people can stay with us... wonderful... but they do have some issues at times that we have to try to understand, even though it might be difficult at times. I found that my partner's often were afraid to approch me sexually... even though I often spoke to them about it. I didn't want them going without which is what was starting to happen. It wasn't that I couldn't fulfill them... it was that they were afraid to hurt me or bother me because I was having a rough day. I continued to tell them the day might suck big time.. but that is the highlight of the day... so let's play! lol Still... some just couldn't do that. It might be just part of the gig, but those that couldn't get passed it, couldn't get passed the hospital visits.. the midnight runs to the store for medication and how I was treated in a medical setting. You know your limits and if you say you can do something... it all should be good to go unless a dominant feels that you are submitting rather than taking your true health concerns realistically. What I found that worked best was that I would promise always to be honest about my health and would never ever lie or use it to get out of doing something. If I am asked if I can do something and cannot... it shouldn't be a bashing moment, but one of concideration of the emotions and needs of each person. Communication is the key. Communication unless concentually something else... should be endearing and supportive, building and refining and done in respect. Anything else in my opinion is abuse. I always did wonder though... how does one feel when they have taken a handicapped person (limited somehow) and bashed them around? Makes this Domme want to kick some ass! If your (meaning anyone who is ill or disabled) dominant is overwhelmed... that is understandable... if they are feeling sorry for themselves because you unwillingly changed, then that is when you are going to suffer things that will become irrepaiarable. A lot of trust can be lost if things don't go just right. Crisis is a time when W/we can see who W/we really are and what matters most... but it is a challenge few can muster the strength to overcome and fly high with. Very sadly, many relationships are based on what isn't the most important and in a crisis, W/we find that out. I am speaking in generalities here and not against your dominant. Though if He is abusing you... I surely wouldn't be happy! But then I am just an observer here and don't matter... but I don't like uncencentual abuse of any kind and become a rather redheaded beast about it all. I hope that life will be kind to you and you can find ways to be more comfortable... I do know a few hints on how to fuction while in serious pain if you ever wish to talk to me about them. Take care.... Lockit No offense meant toward A/anyone. I have advocated for the ill and disabled for many years... and with it comes a bit of an attitude.

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