GreyJ
Posts: 20
Joined: 5/1/2005
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there was three nuns that died and went to heaven.when they got to the gate st peter was there and he asked the three nuns some questions about the bible the fist question was"what was adam's partners name?"the first nun replied "eve"and she went inside,the second nun was asked "what was the garden called?"the second nun replied"eden"she went in,finaly the third nun was asked a question he siad "what was eve's first thought about adam?"the nun replied ' oh thats a hard one!'
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sex is like math
add bed, subtract clothes, divide the legs and hope you dont multiply
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One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said, 'Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand? ''Hey, thanks!' the farmer said, and off he went. While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there'. The fair young lady said, 'How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?' The farmer said, 'I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The young lady said, 'Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
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Voodoo Dick
A guy is going to go on a buisness trip, and he doesn't want his wife to cheat on him, so he goes into a porn shop. He walks up to the guy at the front counter, and tells him his story, and asks for something that will work for sure, since he's going to be gone for several weeks.
The store's clerk replies, "well I have one thing, but it's kind of expensive."
The man asks "is there's anything else?"
The clerk says "not that will for sure work."
So the man says "alright, what is it?"
"Well it's called voodoo dick. How it works is, you say voodoo dick, then say whatever part of your body you want it to fuck."
Okay the guy says, and buys it. When he brings it home to his wife, she insists that it is not necessary. He explains how to use it to her anyways, and leaves on his trip.
Later that night his wife was curious about the voodoo dick. So she opened it up, pulled down her panties, and said "voodoo dick my pussy".
Instantly the voodoo dick starts fucking her. She has several orgasms before she wants it to stop, but she doesn't know how to get it to stop, and can't figure it out. So she decides to go to the hospital.
She's driving there, the voodoo dick still fucking her and she's still having orgasms, When a cop sees how horribly she's driving, and pulls her over.
He walks up to her window, starts telling her what she has done. When he looks at her and asks "what the fuck are you doing?"
She explains about how her husband didn't want her to cheat on him while he was away, so he got her the voodoo dick, and how it works. She also explains to the officer that she is on the way to the hospital, because she can't figure out how to get the voodoo dick to stop.
When she finishes he laughs and says "voodoo dick my ass."
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After a long night buying a foxy woman drinks, Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home. After the walk to the door, the woman asked Joe in for a nightcap...
One thing led to another and before you know it, Joe was naked.
After making great love Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she said.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Joe began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded Joe, bewildered.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
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Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?"
Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did."
She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?"
Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"
Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Dave says.
"Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
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Your basic virgin female was all set to get married to a virile Generic Male, when her mother took her aside for a little pre-nuptial advice.
"Dear, I know you love this man," the mother began. "And we've tried to welcome him into our family. But there is something you must know. These generic males like to make love in a disgusting way, so if he ever asks you to turn over before making love, DON'T do it. It's degrading and painful, and it will ruin your marriage."
So the wedding is fine. The happy couple enjoys their first month of marital bliss, when one night, the Generic Male says to his wife, "Honey, let's try making love a little differently tonight. Why don't you roll over?"
The woman loses it. "You brute," she sobs. "My mother warned me about you Generic Males, I can't believe you would do this to me."
"But honey," the startled Generic Male replies. "I just thought you might want to have children."
(generic male is obviously a placeholder designation for the descriptor of choice from ethnicity to behavioral)
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This guy goes to a whore house and to get one of their famous singing blowjobs. He goes in, she kills the lights and starts sucking and at the same time he hears this great opera music. He goes back for another to find out how she does it. He flips on the lights, she stops singing, puts her glass eye back in and asks, "what's wrong??"
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This hooker looks at this guy and says, "hey wanna blowjob? i suck the best dick in town." He says, "how can you prove it?" She says, "See that ferrarri? How do you think i afforded that?" He says ok, she does her work he agrees... the best. Next day, he goes back to her and asks, "How is your ass?" "Also the best in town," she says. He says "Prove it." She points at a casino. "See that? That's how I got that." so he does her in the ass and he agrees... the best. Well he goes back again the next day and he says, "ok how is your pussy?" She points at the massive mansion and he asks "is that yours?" She says, "no but if i had a pussy it might be."
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A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.
The man decided, What the hell, Ill try it.
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldnt do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, What?
He heard, This is the police. Whats going on down there?
The man replied, Im checking out the rear axle, its busted.
Came the reply, Well, you might as well check your brakes too while youre down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago.
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
hed like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. Oh, Im so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girls parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, I had no idea you
were this religious.
The boy turns, and whispers back, I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist.
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On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the familys only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, Ive seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right. And while the son tried his best (seven times), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
And there he also met the mermaid. I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.
The young son replied, Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row? And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, Why not THIRTY times in a row?
Finally, she said, Enough Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health. Then the young son asked, Wait How do I know that thirty times in a row wont kill you like it did the cow?
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A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner."This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."
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A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesnt have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs.
So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didnt take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drives them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.
No, she says, theyre all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.
             
   
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