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pandoravampire -> RE: psychology of submission (6/15/2005 6:05:04 PM)
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I am analytical. Always have been a people watcher. I make my living in psychiatry, more people watching.
The psychological aspects of my relationship, much like any other aspect i guess, fascinate me. I dont just want to feel humiliation, i need to know why, i feel that, what button it pushes, and ill think for days after a play session. If i can understand why this happens when he does -, then i can tell him, and he can use that info for later, to push the right button again.
This is my first time as a submissive, always playing a top prior and vanilla before that. But a loving D/s 24/7 relationship, is my beautiful life now.
24/7 was something that i did not seek, was above what i was seeking, which was bedroom only D/s. But it leaked more and more out of the bedroom.
I now cannot do without it.
I know that life is not always safe! My past is testiment to that. But i feel safe, secure, cherished, i simply belong where i am. It is a wonderful feeling.
Did my past shape my submission? i dont give a shit if it does or not. Its like asking a drug addict, why do you take drugs, its no longer relevant. The high has long gone, its about feeling normal now.
Mia's point: You bring up an interesting question - one I've been asking myself for a while too. I had a dreadful childhood. It's hard because I want to forget it, not link it to who I am now. I hate thinking that perhaps they made me who I am. For me, that would be like giving my sexuality to them and it sickens me to think about that.
For me, my past held on to me, it wasnt until i had a breast reconstruction after surgery, so in effect, a boob job, that i felt that the new body, was untainted by my past, it no longer belonged to those that abused it. I was for the first time, just for me. Hard to explain this, i know the pre-counselling op never covered THAT lol. BDSM and in particular D/s with my Sir, has allowed ME to flower.
I may have unspeakable things done to my body as a part of play, but its ME that says if thats ok, no body else takes from me anymore.
In the past, uspeakable things, were done to me, without choice, with only psychological force, and some physical, but it was non consensual to the extreeme.
So my 24/7 reflects to me, that this is my choice, my doing, which i can stop at any point. It only occurs because i have the power to say it does.
Giving that amount of power to another to play with, takes a lot of trust. Something that grows gradually. How the hell people do this with play partners is what i cant fathom? To exchange power with someone who doesnt love you? NOW THAT seems like madness and recklessness to me. But each to their own.
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