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RE: Meeting a Dom for the first time - 5/14/2007 3:38:13 PM   
fer0l


Posts: 23
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline 		I'm kidding  ;P

(in reply to daddysliloneds)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Meeting a Dom for the first time - 5/14/2007 4:22:16 PM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fer0l

Hi all

I have been on collarme for only a number of weeks and have met a couple of Doms in real life.  The thing is, the ones I have met want sex or blow jobs etc.  As a submissive I feel obliged to do it, and even tho I enjoy it at the time, I wonder if this is considered 'the norm'.  Anyone else had similar experiences? 



The first reply you got was fairly spot on. Im guessing your question is does a submissive have to do as she/he is told on a first meeting. my own view is its like a vanilla date, if you are having fun and want to have sex thats fine, if you dont get on with the person you are meeting then thats fine too.
The only person whose opinion you should worry about is yourself.

(in reply to fer0l)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Meeting a Dom for the first time - 5/15/2007 6:02:38 AM   
liljoy


Posts: 577
Joined: 3/25/2004
Status: offline 		It's easy to fall into the trap of feeling obligated and being manipilated into doing things you don't want to do. i think our submissive nature makes us easy targets for that. Now before i get bashed for saying that it doesn't make us less submissive if we stick to our guns and say no.

Men for the most part are horn dogs and will try anything they can to get laid. Even if they don't expect it they will usually try

(in reply to fer0l)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Meeting a Dom for the first time - 5/15/2007 8:03:51 AM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Hi liljoy, nice point about feeling obligated. i would think many submissives and slaves feel that way. Some, as you rightly say, have it in their nature. Others, due to being new, think its the only acceptable way to be.
My own view is that the only right a Dominant has from the start, is that you are polite and respectful. Than again thats just basic good manners.
Some Dominants dont help matters by thinking they have a right to demand this that and the other, just because someone is submissive.

(in reply to liljoy)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Meeting a Dom for the first time - 5/15/2007 9:55:04 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		Hi what you say would not be normal for me but it may be for you.  You should not feel obligated, anyone can slap a Don in front of their name.  Since you said you were into him and wanted to do it, you are both consenting adults i don;t see any problems there...  Just use your head and you are not obligated to do anything you are not comfortable with.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to Politesub53)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Meeting a Dom for the first time - 5/15/2007 10:30:09 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Felling obligated is not a trap a person falls into, it's a hole they willingly dig, jump into, and refuse to step out of.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to littleone35)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Meeting a Dom for the first time - 5/15/2007 9:46:47 PM   
Marcus440


Posts: 30
Joined: 11/13/2004
Status: offline 		Ok, what is this really about?  For crying out loud....how long is the "first meeting"?  90 seconds?  Or an hour and a half?  What can you possibly mean by the word "obligated"?   As a Dom I am the one who actually feels "obligated" to press on for a sexual encounter if I am at all interested in the slave or sub.  I know if I don't, I'm never going to see him or her again in this context.  What kind of a Dom would I be if I didn't do this?  You'al seem to think that a Dom is like some sort of kindly old Grandfather.  BDSM is generally considered to be a "sexual" fetish.  RSVP.  Marcus440
Ps: the line says "in response to Lucky Albatross", but this is really in response to the entire conversation.

< Message edited by Marcus440 -- 5/15/2007 9:51:37 PM >

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Meeting a Dom for the first time - 5/15/2007 10:24:01 PM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline 		no...I've never come across a lifestyle person who wanted those sorts of things immediately to prove submission.  I've met all types of jackass posers who want that though.  Subs and dominants alike, by the way.  I was once called "fake" because I refused to engage with a sub I was meeting for the first time. 

I explained to him that those types of behaviors would only wind him up in the morgue because he would eventually fall upon a fake, a poser who only wanted to harm him in some way and his lack of discretion and taking time to, well, take the time would get him killed. 

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to bandit25)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Meeting a Dom for the first time - 5/16/2007 1:40:53 AM   
Texy


Posts: 45
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline 		To the OP,

Is it the norm? Yes, there are many dominants in real time that only want sex and will use submission or lack thereof as a way to attain it.

For me, I lived in a commune in my early 20's and figured out quite quickly sex did not equal love. It was what it was, sex. So for me to up some leg (have sex with someone) is no big thing if i'm attracted. As you can guess, monogamy is not my forte when NOT in a long term relationship. I do get medical checks regularly as this is just part of my healthy routine and keeping me safe. I have never cheated or had affairs when in a long term relationship. I have noticed, no matter how sexually drawn I am to someone, if I do want something long term, i tend to not have sex with them upfront. Weird huh? I just want to know them...everything about them, how they live, what they eat, how they treat people, how they dance, i'll usually insist on sleeping together with no sex just to see how they sleep and wake up, those type of things.

So, if in my short time here we've had a screw chances are i don't want you long term, if however we haven't.....well, could be!

wink.


gayle

(in reply to fer0l)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Meeting a Dom for the first time - 5/16/2007 2:45:42 AM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Qutes Marcus440  What can you possibly mean by the word "obligated"?

In answer to this, in the context of the OP only,  i would say that its born from a lack of knowledge about whats expected. Its the perception that a Dominant or submissive has about how to behave within this society. Like it or not some submissives do think that " As i am submissive i should behave like this or that  " As do some Dominants.
I really dont think there is a right or wrong answer to this, and like many questions on here, what suits one person wont suit another. Everyone will have differing views of how to behave on a first date. Maybe if its to be sexual or just to get to know one another would be something to have been discussed before the actual meeting. IE Are we meeting to see where this goes, or just for play.


(in reply to Texy)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Meeting a Dom for the first time - 5/16/2007 10:34:39 AM   
Indemnis


Posts: 179
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline 		(Fast reply.)
I s'pose it depends on the situation, in exacts.  You didn't express many feelings or emotions, or even elaborate much on the situation itself.  If you wanted to be with the guy(s) and get yourself owned, then I guess play and sex are alright enough... considering of course you were careful.  If they dumped you afterwards, then I'd say live and learn.. go a little slower next time, mayhaps. 

_____________________________

No-one respects the flame quite like the fool who's badly burned-- Pete Townshend

(in reply to bandit25)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Meeting a Dom for the first time - 5/16/2007 10:46:06 AM   
bliss1


Posts: 497
Joined: 3/14/2007
Status: offline 		Just cause you are submissive doesn't mean you are their sex toy on the first meeting.
If a Dom/Master says it shows how submissive - tell him to get the hell out of your way and proceed to walk (with your spike heels) all over him as you hit the door.

_____________________________

Witch before, during, and after my coffee.

(in reply to bandit25)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Meeting a Dom for the first time - 5/16/2007 12:23:18 PM   
miachel


Posts: 10
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline 		fer,
i want to start by saying i am not trying to be judgmental of your choices.  You body is your own as well as the care of your personal well being.  i hope you are safe and remain to be so BUT all of that is your choice.   The answer is YES, it is very common.  i have been a member here for a few weeks now and recently joined some local associations… i hear these stories almost constantly.   As a newbie to the lifestyle (and this site) i have been bombarded by Doms who are insistent that i call them or meet with them (in their first e-mail). i know these are fairly reasonable demands once you have gotten to know someone, but because of the frequency of these stories i am very dubious… at this point i doubt i will ever meet someone.
i think my personal concern is that when any “sub” provides these egocentric males (not true Doms) with casual sex they are perpetuating a stereotype that all subs are easy targets, making it harder and more intimidating for newer or less experienced subs to trust enough to meet their possible Doms/Masters/Daddy/Emperor and by performing acts of casual sex and labeling them as submissive, it belittles the true gift, glory and esthetics of submission.
Again, my wish is not hurt you, just make you think. Be well.

(in reply to fer0l)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Meeting a Dom for the first time - 5/16/2007 3:20:24 PM   
miachel


Posts: 10
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline 		there is a PS to my post... i was given a terrific resource from SweetSarijane that has been invaluable... please check it out it may be of help...

http://www.submission.org.uk/safety5.html

(in reply to miachel)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Meeting a Dom for the first time - 5/16/2007 3:40:35 PM   
stella40


Posts: 417
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: London, UK
Status: offline 		You do get this sort of attitude particularly among male Doms - inexperienced ones who think BDSM is all about sex.

I may get challenged here but I'm pretty sure that the dynamic is that on first meeting it's the Dom who's obliged to prove themselves rather than the submissive. This is done by claiming the submissive and accepting them, then and only then, when the Dom has decided to take the relationship further should the submissive actually work towards showing their submission and proving themselves worthy and deserving of their Dom's attention.

You don't have to give a blow job to a Dom to show your submission. It's enough for you to wait for them to make the first move, that is being submissive.

Stay away from any Dom who demands play or submission on first meeting (unless there's been a significant amount of correspondence and you accept his demands). There's plenty of very good, decent Doms out there,you just have to find one.

If any Dom told me that I was obligated to show my submission and give him a blow job on first meeting, I'd respond with two words, one starts with 'F' and the other 'O'. End of.

_____________________________

I try to take one day at a time, but several days come and attack me at once. (Jennifer Unlimited)

If you can't be a good example then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.


(in reply to miachel)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Meeting a Dom for the first time - 5/16/2007 3:46:02 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		If a dom "expected" a blow job from me on the first meet I would not even take the time to meet them. I did give my Daddy a BJ the first day we met, but he did not ask, I just sank to my knees in the middle of the forest and did so. It was one of those moments where it just felt right, and I did what felt right to me and I can honestly say I never enjoyed giving oral so much in my life before him.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to fer0l)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Meeting a Dom for the first time - 5/17/2007 7:46:06 PM   
Marcus440


Posts: 30
Joined: 11/13/2004
Status: offline 		Wait a minute.....am I on the wrong planet, or what? I thought it was all about sex! OK...not "all" about sex. There are other elements, other aspects to it. But it is basically about sex, isn’t it? I would dare to say even mostly about sex. If I’m really wrong about this, then I’ve joined the wrong club.
Could it be that I’m not "on" the wrong planet, just "from" the wrong planet - i.e. Mars instead of Venus?
I say this because I’m actually starting to get the impression that some of the contributors to this forum have the opinion that sex is wrong, casual sex is wrong, seeking sex is wrong, and that it’s really wrong for a male Dom to try and seduce a sub on the first meet. They want to flame any poor bastard who even thinks about trying it.
I will agree in advance that rape is wrong, very wrong. I would have none of it and would be among the first to condemn any SOB who says otherwise. However, that is where I, for one, would draw the line. If Dom makes some suggestion about you not really being submissive and the sub comes up with some of the answers that have been suggested here, well then, duh, I guess she’s not really being all that submissive  His suggestion is clearly within the guidelines for a BDSM encounter.  Of course, you must be offered the next move. 

I’m quite sure that the intelligent ones will find a more diplomatic way of handling this situation when they don’t want to get sexually involved. Try explaining your point of view. Make a counter suggestion, such as "Yes, maybe next time."
Whatever....I’m tired of this conversation. Maybe next time.  Marcus440

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Meeting a Dom for the first time - 5/18/2007 6:58:05 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Marcus,

I am not sure where it comes from but there is a very big anti-sex contingent in BDSM.  I love having all sorts of sex intwoven in my bdsm and enjoy doing so at parties as well.  Some places flat out do not allow penetration of any sort but often don't object to women doing women.  As LA once did a thread on the anti-cock rules as most of the anti sex stuff revolves around keeping cocks from showing up in public.

I mean if all I do at home is beat the bitch and keep her in a cage, wouldn't it be really kinky to take her someplace and "just" do vanilla things to someone like that?

And I am sorry, ALL of this is sex to me.

(in reply to Marcus440)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Meeting a Dom for the first time - 5/18/2007 7:06:25 AM   
MyMasterStephen


Posts: 219
Joined: 8/16/2005
Status: offline 		I think any further answers are pretty redundant, as the OP has dropped now...

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 59
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