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RE: So what does one do with all this 'baggage'? - 5/15/2007 8:41:23 AM

stockingluvr54

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MercTech

It seems tacky to drag out all the baggage at once like a kid trying to show every toy he has. Especially, when it is at a first meeting. <grin>

I tend to keep my baggage in the luggage rack and only bring out pieces that are pertinent to what is being discussed or are something the person I'm talking to really needs to know. Need to know, like the phrase "knight in shining armor" will have me headed for the hills so fast you will think a tornadoe has come through.

Stefan

It's gonna come out sooner or later if a relationship starts so ya might as well get er out there asap? Time is precious.........

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RE: So what does one do with all this 'baggage'? - 5/15/2007 8:49:34 AM

truesub4u

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IMO, it depends on what baggage is being talked about. There's some baggage out there in plain site. And the hidden baggage is there hidden for a reason. I'm not one for spilling the milk. Over time if it's brought out ... it's brought out. But I'm a true believer... before you ask that question, you think long and hard, do you really want to know the answer.

There are things in ones past that need not be brought forward. People make mistakes, some pay the price. Some never learn and keep making the same mistakes. Even develope new ones. Others learn from them, and move on too.

Now when a relationship might be moving forward, and some past baggage could be a problem, it's time to weigh it all in. But it's also back to the same thing... make sure you really really want to know that answer, before you bring it up. Do I want to know if you've ever been to prison? Morely like yes than no. Do I want to know why? Well if I asked the first part, I'm gonna want to know the rest. Could it be a relationship killer? Never know till it's all brought out.

I'm only going to tell someone things about me, I want them to know. And no more than that. Have I been known to lie to someone when asked certain questions?..To some, it would be called a lie because I simply tell them, it's none of their business, or something I care not to discuss. Just depends all in all what you allow to be known. Some people make mistakes in their past, they learn from them and don't want to hash it out again all because someone new in their life wants to "more informed". Somethings are best to stay buried.

Now don't get me wrong. Others are going to dispute this and I know this. Some are going to add to the "must know" situations. And yes there are some "must know" situations. But there are some " no ones damn business" situations as well. Just depends on who, what ,when ,where, why. And that's all up to the individuals involved.

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RE: So what does one do with all this 'baggage'? - 5/15/2007 8:56:57 AM

onestandingstill

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I don't have the time to read the thread, but I did read the first 6 or so posts.
I know in real D/s relationship it's almost essential for a sub to bare her baggage wide open so as not to get hurt emotionally in play, or freak out on the Dom you play with.
I also know it left me WAY more vulnerable than I like WAY too soon for me in my first and only full D/s relationship.

My first D/s relationship first 6 months were wonderful after that worked much like poison and was very toxic for a year .
The total 1-1/2 year relationship left me with more baggage than a Samsonite factory has in the spring.

What I found is most often it's best to keep you baggage close to your breast in some things, and very emotionally healthy to share it with some circumstances and people.

I've had so many things happen in my life that just to hear all the crap I have been part of or subjected to is a really hard pill to swallow.

I find if you are emotionally grounded and content in your life, but draw on some of that baggage in conversation trying to clarify a point or help others, you get perceived as bitter, hostile, a loser, crazy, weak etc..
Basically it places you negatively in the light of many who don't accept ALL HUMANS even if they are self secure optimistic people have baggage and have bad things happen to hurt them.

I'm over all thinking unless you have thick skin and a good grip on your reality, most of the time you would protect yourself best by just leaving it in the closet where only you hear it till a bond of respect and trust is formed with someone.

I only pull it out and then not even half of it out with people I play with to keep me safe from, or explain why I don't participate in certain scening elements.
I also mention my fair share of my baggage here as I think it helps people, or helps them understand my perspective.

I don't think right up front you should do a whole debriefing with a potential partner, but over time as trust & respect grow then indeed you should share more and more of your psychological, spiritual, and emotional self with someone.
I also think before I would petition a Dom to be owned and/or collared to him I'd have to discuss all, and I mean ALL of my baggage AND all of his before I'd make that firm a commitment and vow ever again.
suzanne

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RE: So what does one do with all this 'baggage'? - 5/15/2007 9:22:29 AM

CrazyC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrazyC

I wrote a paper about this once after a long relationship of being abused and the person used my "baggage" as the reason our life was so bad. The conclution is. We all have baggage. Those who say they don't...are lying to you and themselves. Baggage is the reason i won't open up right away, because i want to feel out and see if they can handle those things i'll be bringing. But when i start feeling safe, i tell them everything. It is when both parties can see the baggage for what it is, help carry the load when needs be, or just be there to support when that is all you can do.

Do you apply the same theory (the part I bolded and highlighted) to those who say they have worked through their baggage so that it is not baggage anymore? Some of us have spent years and lots of effort sorting through and getting rid of baggage, so that we are free, confident, healthy and happy individuals. I am prone to disagree with your assessment that baggage can not be overcome.

You are assuming something that is far from the truth. I have worked hard on those things that can and have been changed. There are things in life though that will always be there. I say this because i am honest with myself. I can always say, "Oh i worked through all my issues so now life is perfect." I would then be lying again. Life isn't perfect. As many Buddists beleive, you come to acceptance of the full circumstance. They say this because there are somethings in life that you have no controle over, and accepting it is there is better then hiding it.

< Message edited by CrazyC -- 5/15/2007 9:23:02 AM >

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RE: So what does one do with all this 'baggage'? - 5/15/2007 9:38:23 AM

onestandingstill

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CrazyC

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrazyC

I wrote a paper about this once after a long relationship of being abused and the person used my "baggage" as the reason our life was so bad. The conclution is. We all have baggage. Those who say they don't...are lying to you and themselves. Baggage is the reason i won't open up right away, because i want to feel out and see if they can handle those things i'll be bringing. But when i start feeling safe, i tell them everything. It is when both parties can see the baggage for what it is, help carry the load when needs be, or just be there to support when that is all you can do.

Do you apply the same theory (the part I bolded and highlighted) to those who say they have worked through their baggage so that it is not baggage anymore? Some of us have spent years and lots of effort sorting through and getting rid of baggage, so that we are free, confident, healthy and happy individuals. I am prone to disagree with your assessment that baggage can not be overcome.

You are assuming something that is far from the truth. I have worked hard on those things that can and have been changed. There are things in life though that will always be there. I say this because i am honest with myself. I can always say, "Oh i worked through all my issues so now life is perfect." I would then be lying again. Life isn't perfect. As many Buddists beleive, you come to acceptance of the full circumstance. They say this because there are somethings in life that you have no controle over, and accepting it is there is better then hiding it.

I agree indeed you can move beyond baggage to the point it does not have any effect or reprocussions in your day to day life.
You can accept it happened and have peace, but some part of the pain changes you and how you relate to the world in some level sometimes good, and sometimes bad.
Being over it, and knowing it's part of your past are two different things.
Being emotionally healthy after a traumatic relationship and having the ability to not let that effect your interactions with others is something you can move beyond.
The broken dreams and pain from the trauma you'll carry in some way inside forever.

I think love is eternal.
You can hate someone and never want to see them again, but some part of your heart still has love for them.
I think emotional pain is very similar. You can get beyond the pain, emotional responses, and power it held in your life, but you'll never forget it happened or have not have it come up and cause insecurity the next time you're presented with similar circumstances.
Baggage is more like a sleeping dog.
Once it's kicked it's wide awake again.
How long it takes to go back to sleep varies.
suzanne

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RE: So what does one do with all this 'baggage'? - 5/15/2007 9:45:37 AM

CrazyC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

But letting it go- I guess for me that's like saying to let go of scar tissue. It's just part of things now, how I go about it.

If baggage were the same as scar tissue then why call it "baggage". I think of these things as too entirely different issues. I have many scars, but scarring implies healing, even though it left a mark. Baggage is something one chooses to carry around. I cannot get rid of a scar, I can certainly dump off baggage.

I see what you are saying is baggage are those things that one had happen in their life and can just drop. Past relationships, addictions, ect. But what about those things you can't just drop on the side of the road? What about the problem child, physical ailments, ect?

I think we need to realize when talking about baggage the terms that what we say might not be to others. There are things that weighed me down and are worked through them. There are other things in my life that if a second party came in and saw them would say they are baggage. The term "baggage" is a paradox in it's self, and depends on who's eyes we are looking through. So the only way of know what is baggage and what isn't is how you look at it. If that other person i am wanting to be with thinks i have baggage, then this is by their standards of the word. To be honest, I don't want to be with someone who see imperfections as baggage.

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RE: So what does one do with all this 'baggage'? - 5/15/2007 10:31:35 AM

Mysia

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Emotional, pysche type baggage: I work to understand it in the most truthful light I can find. With understanding comes release for me. It no longer causes suffering. Some "baggage" like this takes a long time to work out, and can be quite painful and even life changing. Better to end the root of suffering than to continue to suffer.

Physical baggage or "responsibility baggage" is a case by case situation to me. This is when things often get ugly in relationships.

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RE: So what does one do with all this 'baggage'? - 5/15/2007 10:39:33 AM

stockingluvr54

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Bearlee

LMAO... now that was GREAT!!!

...and prolly more the truism than we know! LOL

Thanks for that,
b

Glad you got a kick out of it Miss Bearlee......

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RE: So what does one do with all this 'baggage'? - 5/15/2007 11:07:05 AM

gypsygrl

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quote:

It seems tacky to drag out all the baggage at once like a kid trying to show every toy he has. Especially, when it is at a first meeting.

I tend to keep my baggage in the luggage rack and only bring out pieces that are pertinent to what is being discussed or are something the person I'm talking to really needs to know. Need to know, like the phrase "knight in shining armor" will have me headed for the hills so fast you will think a tornadoe has come through.

Stefan

There's some funny assumptions with D/s. If you read the web pages and info for newbies, its easy to come away with the idea that its necessary to tell all to prospective partners so as to avoid hidden bombs in the baggage. One even gets the idea that its irresponsible not to tell all the gory details because somehow whats hidden in the bags is really, really important and what we do is really dangerous stuff. I've only done that once mostly because I had never done it before, people say its importand and it seemed like a good time to get my story down in one place in a way that sort of makes sense. So, sending it off to a relative stranger on the internet seemed like a good idea at the time. It turned out to be a whole lot of frigging work and I doubt I'll do it again.

It makes more sense to leave the bags on the carosel and point them out to interested folks.

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RE: So what does one do with all this 'baggage'? - 5/15/2007 5:53:19 PM

CreativeDominant

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I think that Crazy C made a pertinent point...what I see as baggage and what you see as baggage and what another may see as baggage can be entirely different things.

I perhaps should have made myself more clear...while I do see an almost identical similarity to some scar tissue and some baggage, I do see a difference. We always carry the scars...we do not always have to carry the baggage or, even if we do, we do not have to let it weigh as down as heavily as when we first picked it up. And I am still of the mind that somewhere along the way, the load of each bag has to be lightened or we are learning and healing nothing.

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RE: So what does one do with all this 'baggage'? - 5/15/2007 6:44:29 PM

Griswold

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quote:

ORIGINAL: puella

We all have it... what do we do with it? Why is the 'good' stuff okay to claim as a part of what makes us the person that we are...

What do we do with the little scars and darker bits? Where do you put your baggage when you are including more than yourself in your own reality?

Well, I for one, ship all my baggage to either Denver, Chicago or Atlanta.

They're going to lose the shit...and all it does is piss me off (and besides...that's always the luggage with the underwear with the brown stains on it anyway).

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RE: So what does one do with all this 'baggage'? - 5/15/2007 7:02:24 PM

dawntreader

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Griswold

(and besides...that's always the luggage with the underwear with the brown stains on it anyway).

EEEEWWWW!!!!!!

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RE: So what does one do with all this 'baggage'? - 5/15/2007 9:28:16 PM

ownedgirlie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CrazyC

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrazyC

I wrote a paper about this once after a long relationship of being abused and the person used my "baggage" as the reason our life was so bad. The conclution is. We all have baggage. Those who say they don't...are lying to you and themselves. Baggage is the reason i won't open up right away, because i want to feel out and see if they can handle those things i'll be bringing. But when i start feeling safe, i tell them everything. It is when both parties can see the baggage for what it is, help carry the load when needs be, or just be there to support when that is all you can do.

Do you apply the same theory (the part I bolded and highlighted) to those who say they have worked through their baggage so that it is not baggage anymore? Some of us have spent years and lots of effort sorting through and getting rid of baggage, so that we are free, confident, healthy and happy individuals. I am prone to disagree with your assessment that baggage can not be overcome.

You are assuming something that is far from the truth. I have worked hard on those things that can and have been changed. There are things in life though that will always be there. I say this because i am honest with myself. I can always say, "Oh i worked through all my issues so now life is perfect." I would then be lying again. Life isn't perfect. As many Buddists beleive, you come to acceptance of the full circumstance. They say this because there are somethings in life that you have no controle over, and accepting it is there is better then hiding it.

I have assumed nothing at all in your post, rather I asked a question about what you said so I could gain better understanding. What is it you think I have assumed?

Things in life will always be there, yes. The fact that I was molested when I was too young to cope will always be part of my life. But it is worked through and not carried with me as added weight (hence, "baggage"). The list goes on.

Who the heck is saying they are perfect? Where is that coming from? Who the heck said life is perfect? I'm not sure why you have made these comments in relation to my post.

One of my favorite Buddhist doctrine is the Four Noble Truths. And that is that suffering can be ended by changing ones desires. By abandoning expectations of the way we think things ought to be, "We begin to develop the insight that things are really quite simple, that we can handle ourselves, and our relationships, very well as soon as we stop being so manipulative and complex." (Buddha Dharma Education Association: Basic Buddhism).

In my Buddhist studies, I read nothing about "perfection" nor did I read about lugging baggage around wherever we go. Nor did I read that people who attain inner peace are a bunch of liars. I'm not sure that's what you're trying to say either. Maybe I'm completely misunderstanding your point.

< Message edited by ownedgirlie -- 5/15/2007 9:41:46 PM >

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RE: So what does one do with all this 'baggage'? - 5/16/2007 1:39:47 AM

eyesopened

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-fast reply-

What i find interesting is the people who advertise that they are looking for a partner with NO baggage and NO drama because to me that is indicative of their own baggage and drama or they wouldn't have mentioned it so strongly and so up front. Some people seem to think it is better to allow their negativity triggers coiled up like a wounded cobra, denying it exists and then strike with all their venom, all the while justifying it with the plea of self defense.

Where did we get the concept that 'baggage' is bad? The same luggage that contains the undies with the skid marks (ewww) also contains the souveniers of a memorable journey.

When i travel, i pack what i am able to lug through the airport myself. i used to travel a lot for my job and i learned that my rolling luggage was a whole lot easier to control if i push the bag in front of me instead of drag the bag behind me.

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RE: So what does one do with all this 'baggage'? - 5/16/2007 4:13:23 AM

adoracat

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baggage (with me) is always an issue. the emotional baggage, i've worked on and worked on till you cant tell what the bags originally looked like. some of my reactions are so ingrained that no matter what, i am GOING to react in certain ways, no matter that i know the person who made the loud noise behind me is my husband of nearly15 years who has NEVER laid a hand on me in anger. its input that creates a certain reaction. period.

the physical baggage (illnesses) again, i carry those too.

its my choice to reveal those things or not to someone i speak with. in a relationship, its my *responsibility* to hand the partner an inventory list of "these things could happen" and its also my responsibility to be able to say "i am reacting to the situation, NOT to you" should one of those things happen.

its not always just about the luggage, its about your knowlege of yourself and the contents of the bags, and being honest enough with yourself to be honest with your partner. cause sometimes, therapy can only go so far.

kitten, whose baggage is always stacked in the corner, but its ok because its now a known factor.

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RE: So what does one do with all this 'baggage'? - 5/16/2007 7:39:12 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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I guess for me it's a case of knowing when to work beyond the baggage, work with the baggage, and dump the baggage.

What's the difference between memory and baggage?

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RE: So what does one do with all this 'baggage'? - 5/16/2007 8:33:30 AM

ownedgirlie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

What's the difference between memory and baggage?

I truly think it can go away and fade to memory, and not be baggage anymore, which is what I was trying to convey. I can say my baggage went away when I became self aware, self confident, self loving, and when I learned behavioral patterns and thought processes that didn't allow room for baggage. When I became totally able to focus on the present and future, and see the past as a building block for the now...those things in the past really didn't matter anymore. I let go of that anchor. It's like I was telling someone just the other day...When you can bask in the joys of the now, those things that used to hurt so much become inconsequencial. This, to me, is where I found "freedom in slavery." Freedom to me is freedom from the chains (baggage) that held me back, or that caused me to behave in ways, even subconsciously, which were not ideal for me or my relationships. My childhood beatings no longer matter. The various sexual molestations do not matter. The abuse in my past marriage does not matter. And so it goes....While those things all shaped who I am today, they do not DRIVE who I am today. Make sense?

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RE: So what does one do with all this 'baggage'? - 5/16/2007 8:47:07 AM

heartfeltsub

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i agree wholeheartedly with owned, to me the difference between baggage and memories is the emotional attachment that remains, if thinking about past abuse causes me pain than to me it is still baggage as it is still "negatively" impacting my present. If thinking about past abuse has a different affect, for example, seeing where overcoming the affects of that abuse has made me stronger, more compassionate, etc., then it is merely relagated (sp?) to memory status. So to sum up,still adverse affecting my present or controlling my current behavior (owned's driving analogy), baggage, ackonwledging that it happened but it not controlling my actions, memories.

heartfelt

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RE: So what does one do with all this 'baggage'? - 5/16/2007 8:53:35 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Well if memories are things that cause no emotional response, what about the memory of my sisters wedding or my nephews birth which cause a LOT of positive emotional response in me?

Is that baggage?

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RE: So what does one do with all this 'baggage'? - 5/16/2007 9:24:52 AM

ownedgirlie

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No. Baggage is that which weighs you down and prevents you from going forward. Last I checked, happy memories tend to enhance our lives, rather than limit them :)

But when you can look at those things which caused you pain and not allow them to so much as cause a stumble in your step, you are able to skip-to-my-lou all the more with the happy stuff.