Reactive Hump

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ICGsteve -> Reactive Hump (5/15/2007 3:32:33 PM)
Just to make sure that I know the answer here: If a first time slave refuses to be pushed over the reactive hump (the reaction to loss of freedom to seek freedom thus end consent to slavery) the correct response from the would be Master is "if you decide you want to try again I am willing" plus tender care....Right???

robertolapiedra -> RE: Reactive Hump (5/15/2007 3:52:00 PM)
Hello ICGsteve. You mean cold feet? RL.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Reactive Hump (5/15/2007 4:21:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ICGsteve reactive hump (the reaction to loss of freedom to seek freedom thus end consent to slavery) Huh? To consentually give up consent? scratches head Isn't that an oxymoron? Master Fire

SimplyMichael -> RE: Reactive Hump (5/15/2007 4:28:45 PM)
Don't you just love bullshit theories that place all the blame on the submissive

windchymes -> RE: Reactive Hump (5/15/2007 4:32:13 PM)
I thought this thread was going to be about radioactive male dogs.....[8\|]

liljoy -> RE: Reactive Hump (5/15/2007 4:33:26 PM)
from Your other post i think it's not a matter of refusal. It's a hard thing to give up ones freedoms. when a submissive feels fear we look to the Dominant to ease the fear. When i react i get teary and freak out. If Master just threw in the towel and said ok so we won't do this or that. i think i would be a very confused slave

ICGsteve -> RE: Reactive Hump (5/15/2007 4:43:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: liljoy from Your other post i think it's not a matter of refusal. It's a hard thing to give up ones freedoms. when a submissive feels fear we look to the Dominant to ease the fear. When i react i get teary and freak out. If Master just threw in the towel and said ok so we won't do this or that. i think i would be a very confused slave Despite what I said in the "seduction" thread I take consent seriously. When my wife freaked and then said "I am not a slave" I stopped. The combination of the loss of freedom triggering childhood memories plus her problems with trust combined to make her say to herself "I can't do this". I am sure that she wants to however, so I wish to get around this roadblock, and do it in a way that will not leave me open to her retroactively believing that she was manipulated into trying slavery again.

liljoy -> RE: Reactive Hump (5/15/2007 5:04:39 PM)
oh gosh please know that i'm not talking about going against her consent or manipulating her. i too have major trust issues and baggage so i do understand. When i freak Master encourages me to talk out my fears. Sometimes i don't even know what they are when the freak out starts. So He helps me figure it out. we go over each fear and He deals with each one. He assures me that He won't push me further than i am ready for and that He isn't going anywhere. His way has worked well with me it could work for You too. quote: ORIGINAL: ICGsteve Despite what I said in the "seduction" thread I take consent seriously. When my wife freaked and then said "I am not a slave" I stopped. The combination of the loss of freedom triggering childhood memories plus her problems with trust combined to make her say to herself "I can't do this". I am sure that she wants to however, so I wish to get around this roadblock, and do it in a way that will not leave me open to her retroactively believing that she was manipulated into trying slavery again.

BlindUnknown -> RE: Reactive Hump (5/15/2007 5:24:12 PM)
odds are, if all you say is "if you want to try again okay", you'll never get talked to again because you have failed to try to address whatever issue sent them away in the first place. but yes, the response can be considered "appropriate"

smcontrol -> RE: Reactive Hump (5/15/2007 5:29:48 PM)
It's tough enough to just be a male dog without someone having to throw in some radioactivity.

ICGsteve -> RE: Reactive Hump (5/15/2007 5:37:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlindUnknown odds are, if all you say is "if you want to try again okay", you'll never get talked to again because you have failed to try to address whatever issue sent them away in the first place. but yes, the response can be considered "appropriate" I see your point. In general she demands (though not always admitting it) to be "handled" and this problem is no exception.

sweetnurseBBW -> RE: Reactive Hump (5/15/2007 6:09:10 PM)
What?

Einzelganger -> RE: Reactive Hump (5/15/2007 6:09:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: windchymes I thought this thread was going to be about radioactive male dogs.....[8\|] Now I've got "Atomic Dog" stuck in my head, lol. Einzelgänger

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Reactive Hump (5/15/2007 6:14:51 PM)
I think it's more a case of "long term relationships learn to work WITH eachother to deal with the humps that life throws at them to gain security in themselves and the relationship as a whole" You also have to realize that the website you got that idea from is considered as bad or worse than Castlerealm by a LOT of people for the idiotic unrealistic dogma it spouts.

ICGsteve -> RE: Reactive Hump (5/15/2007 6:23:41 PM)
I am not stuck on the label "reactive" , "acting out" or "letting her insecurities control the situation" works for me and long as I can understand the situation well enough to help guide her through it. We have been together 23 years, but I am sorry to say a lot of those years we were pretty ignorant. Hopefully we are getting better.

HeavansKeeper -> RE: Reactive Hump (5/15/2007 6:28:51 PM)
Something seems ill when one party has cold feet and the other says "ok-thnx-bye." Is this Master going to stay with his or her slave regardless of her answer? I wouldn't turn my back on My Pet because she couldn't give herself to me that way. If I was trying too, then yes "We can try another time" would be "right" for us. A Master doesn't have the responsibility to keep that offer open indefinitely. It's a lot like popping the question. Just cause someone says "no" doesn't mean the relationship is over, but it doesn't mean they can just say "yes"anytime they want. In law, offers like this are usually assumed to be open for a 'reasonable period of time.'

velvetears -> RE: Reactive Hump (5/15/2007 6:58:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ICGsteve Just to make sure that I know the answer here: If a first time slave refuses to be pushed over the reactive hump (the reaction to loss of freedom to seek freedom thus end consent to slavery) the correct response from the would be Master is "if you decide you want to try again I am willing" plus tender care....Right??? You know her better than anyone - it all depends on her personality. If shes insecure and looking for you to give her a push than showing her your not giving up on her is what she's looking for. On the other hand if she's the type that knows what she wants and expects you to respect that - pushing her would be disaster for it would ruin the trust she needs to feel towards you.

gypsygrl -> RE: Reactive Hump (5/15/2007 7:00:58 PM)
The way I see it, this reactance theory is basically a theory of frustration. Psychologists claim that people tend to regress in response to frustration. They yell, scream, shout, throw temper tantrums or whatever and then they become very passive because they give up. I don't think this outcome is a desirable one for a M/s or D/s relationship. Its how I dealt with my first husband who was a vanilla controll freak. Its a bad bad pattern. In regular life, most people don't have their 'freedoms' taken away, systematically, bit by bit. And, when adults experience frustration there are usually constructive means to overcome it, either in the short term or the long term. Frustration is rarely systematic or prolonged. So, the submissive or slave is in a rather unique position. He or she seeks out opportunities to experience frustration! And, it makes sense to me that he or she will go through regressive periods, probably more than most average adults. For me, its part of the cool factor in all this and has nothing to do with acting out or topping from the bottom. Its the journey that makes the destination worth getting to. Since my first experience in a D/s relationship that went bad (he didn't understand the concept "back the fuck off") I let people know pretty early on that there will be times that I need space. This space is for me to regress, do some processing and that sort of thing. When I take this space, its because I need to work through and accept or reconcile myself to whatever loss of freedom/increased level of control I'm experiencing. I have to be right with it in my own mind so its all consensual. Its also when learning happens which is why I've come to embrace the regressive periods because I know they call forth growth. When someone wants to deal with my frustration their way, things aren't going to go well. Submission is something that happens in the head of the submissive. All a M or D can do is create the conditions where thats possible. If he's skilled, he gets more control granted to him by a happy submissive. But that's just my perspective. Maybe the thing to do is talk to her and ask her how to deal with it. As others have said.

ICGsteve -> RE: Reactive Hump (5/15/2007 7:09:12 PM)
I take reactive theory to be talking about the conditioned response to slavery that they will disappear if the M/s dynamic continues. I know my wife feels that way. Those who push, or are pushed, past this hump find that they are TRANSFORMED but not eliminated. Unfortunately, my wife will not find this out unless she gets there, and right now her fear is keeping her from the journey.

ICGsteve -> RE: Reactive Hump (5/15/2007 7:14:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: velvetears You know her better than anyone - it all depends on her personality. If shes insecure and looking for you to give her a push than showing her your not giving up on her is what she's looking for. On the other hand if she's the type that knows what she wants and expects you to respect that - pushing her would be disaster for it would ruin the trust she needs to feel towards you. She knows that she is far from where she wants to be, she has no idea how to get there, I felt that M/s was the answer and she thought that I might be right, but her fears stopped her in her tracks. She knows her fears stopped her, and that just makes her feel worse about herself. For the record she has done extensive therapy, but she was not there honestly. She manipulated the therapist into telling her what she wanted to hear, then she gave up on therapy.

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