I'm a sub... should I dom a guy?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

I'm a sub... should I dom a guy?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> I'm a sub... should I dom a guy?

Page: [1]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

I'm a sub... should I dom a guy? - 5/11/2005 6:45:37 PM

Lepidoptera

Posts: 161
Joined: 4/14/2005
Status: offline

I'm female, 19, and I've been very active in the lifestyle for just under two years. I have always known I'm a sub, and I will always be a sub.

My question is, the opportunity has come up to dom a guy in my area. The idea is a bit attractive- I've always been curious as to how I'd be as a Domme.

My question is, should I? Will other Masters or Mistresses look down on me in the future if I try training him? (i.e., will it make me undesirable?)

< Message edited by Lepidoptera -- 5/11/2005 6:49:05 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: I'm a sub... should I dom a guy? - 5/12/2005 2:35:45 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

If you're so sure you're submissive, you shouldn't dom him because you have no interest in doing so. If the idea is attractive to you, maybe you're not quite as submissive as you think....

Let's start from the beginning. You're only 19 so it's reasonable to say you haven't enough life experiences to know exactly where you fit in just yet - many don't even find BDSM until their forties.... Still, I'd think with 2 years experience in the lifestyle, you should have some idea of what appeals to you and what doesn't. Yet you're unsure about even whether to dom or sub a partner - and so the circle goes and I come back to your youth.

So my answer to your question is "Yes!" You obviously need to find out for yourself whether it appeals to you or not. And real life is highly effective at sorting fact from fanciful theory, if that's all this is. Naturally, you should be honest about your lack of dom experience with this person....

And if you really do have the Dom/me genes, you won't give a rat's clacker what anyone outside your private relationships thinx. Everyone started somewhere! But keep it simple; don't think of it as training him since you'll be wearing "L" plates, too! Just get the feel of being in charge - you'll soon know if it's for you....

Focus50.

(in reply to Lepidoptera)

Post #: 2

RE: I'm a sub... should I dom a guy? - 5/12/2005 5:37:14 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Be fully open and honest with the guy about your experience, your motivations, and your perspective in all this, and if he still wants to try it, then hey check it out.

I have to say I have learned invaluable amounts about myself by topping (at times looking at my bottom and thinking "OMG I know exactly why I do that now, no wonder it annoys the Owner!")

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 3

RE: I'm a sub... should I dom a guy? - 5/12/2005 6:52:58 AM

siamsa24

Posts: 2426
Joined: 2/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Still, I'd think with 2 years experience in the lifestyle, you should have some idea of what appeals to you and what doesn't.

Maybe, although I was a sub for about 3 years and never considered anything else. I tried topping/dominating and loved it. Now I do both. Sometimes you just don't know until you try and sometimes you don't try for years.

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 4

RE: I'm a sub... should I dom a guy? - 5/12/2005 9:37:09 AM

SenorX

Posts: 142
Joined: 12/23/2004
Status: offline

lepi,

I remember when I was young and tried to get credit. Everywhere I tried to get credit, I was told that I needed credit in order to get credit, and they would not extend Me credit unless I had credit, so it was a circular dilema.

There are many Dommes who are very Domme, yet they are also sub. The world is a world of D/s any way you look at it. Wwe are all Dom to some degree, yet sub to another degree in Oour daily lives. To learn from both sides of the coin is exceptional. In having trained subs and Dom/mes both singles and couples in the past, that has been one of the subject matters that I have dealt with... having a sub learning to be Dom/me, and having a Dom/me learning to be sub. This way, you get a feel for what the person in the other role experiences rather than merely talking about it.

Kudos to you lepi for wanting to try and for being open-minded. you may end up finding yourself in a position in your future whereby you'll be Domme re most others, yet you will be sub to someone, as well.

And, yes, it is very acceptable. So go for it, but remember patience.... as a Domme, it is up to you to hold back the reins when things appear to move to fast.

Best Regards,

X

(in reply to siamsa24)

Post #: 5

RE: I'm a sub... should I dom a guy? - 5/14/2005 12:08:06 PM

gallantsoul

Posts: 3
Joined: 4/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SenorX

lepi,

I remember when I was young and tried to get credit. Everywhere I tried to get credit, I was told that I needed credit in order to get credit, and they would not extend Me credit unless I had credit, so it was a circular dilema.

There are many Dommes who are very Domme, yet they are also sub. The world is a world of D/s any way you look at it. Wwe are all Dom to some degree, yet sub to another degree in Oour daily lives. To learn from both sides of the coin is exceptional. In having trained subs and Dom/mes both singles and couples in the past, that has been one of the subject matters that I have dealt with... having a sub learning to be Dom/me, and having a Dom/me learning to be sub. This way, you get a feel for what the person in the other role experiences rather than merely talking about it.

Kudos to you lepi for wanting to try and for being open-minded. you may end up finding yourself in a position in your future whereby you'll be Domme re most others, yet you will be sub to someone, as well.

And, yes, it is very acceptable. So go for it, but remember patience.... as a Domme, it is up to you to hold back the reins when things appear to move to fast.

Best Regards,

X

quote:

Wwe are all Dom to some degree, yet sub to another degree in Oour daily lives. To learn from both sides of the coin is exceptional

I'm glad someone else feels this way. I'm new to the community, and want to become the best Dom that I can in time. I've always felt in order to do this, I would have to realize what it's like on the other side first. I was wondering the same thing as Lepidoptera...will others in the community look down on me, or feel it isn't appropriate for a would be Dom to first seek a submissive role.

With that being said--I realize that I will have to follow my own path to find my true place within the community, so what others think about how I achieve my goal is only their opinion. I just didn't want to make a mistake early on in my involvement that could possibly hinder me in the future.

Sorry for the double quote box...I'm new to the boards and still trying to figure things out.

(in reply to SenorX)

Post #: 6

RE: I'm a sub... should I dom a guy? - 5/14/2005 10:29:13 PM

junecleaver

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline

quote:

I'm female, 19, and I've been very active in the lifestyle for just under two years. I have always known I'm a sub, and I will always be a sub.

My question is, the opportunity has come up to dom a guy in my area. The idea is a bit attractive- I've always been curious as to how I'd be as a Domme.

My question is, should I? Will other Masters or Mistresses look down on me in the future if I try training him? (i.e., will it make me undesirable?)

Why would you want to be with someone that looks down on you because of your past anyway?

But aside from that, I think many guys are turned on when they finally "conquer" a woman, dominatrix or not.

(in reply to gallantsoul)

Post #: 7

RE: I'm a sub... should I dom a guy? - 5/15/2005 1:39:32 AM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

Gallant, its a matter of what path you choose to get where you are going. There are those who feel as you do, that to be a dom / or be a better dom you should start out as a sub. I don't think I'm going too far to say this is a bit "old school" of thought. However, its not the only way of doing things. Some feel that this is unnecessary and that what is required is to focus on developing the various skills of a dominant from a purely dominant perspective. They are both valid paths, just different means of getting to the same destination.

Here's the bottom line, to become a good dominant you have to develop a variety of skills. There are technical skills in the playforms and fetishes you intend to use. There are communication skills, the ability to empathize and understand the submissive, knowledge of common problems and situations that arise, dangers in various activities, how to establish and develop trust, etc. Its quite a long list when you start writing it all out. How you learn those skills is up to you, and my only advice is that you choose whatever path seems to work best for you. Its not how you get there that matters so much as whether or not you get there.

Will some look down on you for experimenting with being a submissive, yes they will. Others will immediately admire you for it. Both are a bit short sighted, its not that you were "brave" enough to try being a sub that matters, its whether you learned from it and whether it actually did make you a better dominant. In this case, the ends do indeed justify the means, and in fact, the end result is what really matters and not how you got there.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to gallantsoul)

Post #: 8

RE: I'm a sub... should I dom a guy? - 5/15/2005 6:51:52 AM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

quote:

first from Lepidoptera:
My question is, should I? Will other Masters or Mistresses look down on me in the future if I try training him? (i.e., will it make me undesirable?)

then from gallantsoul:
will others in the community look down on me, or feel it isn't appropriate for a would be Dom to first seek a submissive role.

Seems to me that you are both worried about what assholes will think. It's your life and you should live it as you see fit, and if they don't like it then they can go straight to hell. As a matter of fact, doing what some simpletons wouldn't like is a nice way to identify folks you don't want to waste time on. There are plenty of others like you who will have no problem with it, and they're the ones you'd want to hang around with anyway. Follow your own path, grasshopper.

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to Lepidoptera)

Post #: 9

RE: I'm a sub... should I dom a guy? - 5/15/2005 7:01:51 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

The smartass answer-- If you have to ask, no.......it ain't domlike
The true answer is-- sure, if it feels right and good, DO IT!!!!!!

LOL...happy happy,
Ron

(in reply to Lepidoptera)

Post #: 10

RE: I'm a sub... should I dom a guy? - 5/15/2005 7:16:27 AM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I'm female, 19, and I've been very active in the lifestyle for just under two years. I have always known I'm a sub, and I will always be a sub.

My question is, the opportunity has come up to dom a guy in my area. The idea is a bit attractive- I've always been curious as to how I'd be as a Domme.

My question is, should I? Will other Masters or Mistresses look down on me in the future if I try training him? (i.e., will it make me undesirable?)

I recently went through something like this myself, and I'll share what my experiences were, and hopefully they will give you some insight.

I'm a submissive and I've been active in the scene for almost 7 years now, and it's a rather smallish scene where I live so I did have some concerns about how other people would react to me exploring the other side of the whip. I'd begun to do some public topping, and thought I'd explore if that trait transcended SM into D/s. Consequently for me, it didn't.

After 6 weeks of interviewing local male submissives, and walking away thinking "Well, he was nice but not for me," it was pointed out to me through a friend that I don't generally have the capacity, in the context of D/s, to be the person in control. In my vanilla life, I'm usually a leader type person, but in my sexual/intimate life It's just not how I'm wired.

But I encourage you to explore this. When I was doing this, I had a local Femme Domme that I've been friends with a long time to talk things through with and sort of 'decompress' and ask questions. I found that very valuable while I was exploring this. Instead of feeling like a failure, I ended up walking away from that experience feeling much more self confident and much more self assured in my role.

I still Top occasionally at parties, but being able to swing a flogger, and being the person in control on an on-going basis are very differant things for me.

I wish you luck in your journey,
Lily

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to Lepidoptera)

Post #: 11

RE: I'm a sub... should I dom a guy? - 5/15/2005 11:05:07 AM

PenelopePitstop

Posts: 254
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: UK
Status: offline

I really love your posts Lily, they make me think so much.

I have a similar situation going on online. I tried some Domme roleplay (I'm submissive) and I er...made someone very happy! But I did it because I am blessed with a fertile imagination and a desire to see people get what they want. That's the difficulty for me - it's only ever going to be an illusion...I've tried to explain this to my correspondent but I may have shot myself in the foot so to speak as I think he entertains a secret belief that I am a switch. I'm not: I just have an imagination.

Having said that, I also know how to channel my moods - being a depressive it's very important for me to double-check how I'm feeling, and my god there ARE times when I am the SuperBitch - but I can't turn this on and off as might be required.

Like Lily says, do explore this because you may surprise yourself...I have surprised myself several times since joining CM and am very much of the opinion 'don't knock it until you've tried it' now. As long as you are as honest as you can be, and maybe a little dutch courage might help? Not that I recommend combining any drug/substance with emotional experiences but a nerve tonic does wonders for the mind :)

Good luck, I'd love to know how it goes for you.

_____________________________

Wickedness is a myth created by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others ~ Oscar Wilde

"You had me at Goodbye"

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)

Post #: 12

RE: I'm a sub... should I dom a guy? - 5/22/2005 9:30:47 PM

Kinkypupper

Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline

"IF" you are indeed a true submissive, Then even the IDEA of Topping someone is just wrong...
I suggest you rethink "WHO" you are you are 19 and have no sure idea perhapsof WHO you indeed are.

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to Lepidoptera)

Post #: 13

RE: I'm a sub... should I dom a guy? - 5/22/2005 9:41:22 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Why can't a "twue" submissive enjoy topping, why is that wrong? That's not even switching.

Plenty of 19 year olds can have a fairly good grasp of who they are as a 19 year old. A 19 year old who can find her way to this board and make an eloquent and sincerely understood question as that is already leagues ahead of most of the wankers you find here.

(in reply to Kinkypupper)

Post #: 14

RE: I'm a sub... should I dom a guy? - 5/22/2005 11:44:58 PM

JustaDom

Posts: 84
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Speaking as a male dominant, if you were to dominate a man it would not make me feel that you were less or more desirable. I feel that if you have an interest that now is a good time to explore it, especially if you are not in a relationship with a dominant at this time. If you enter into a relationship as a submissive or slave in the future, it is possible that you would not be allowed to dominate someone and left wondering for a very long time.

The only way that I would be less interested in a submissive who had previously dominated someone is if they had been unethical or dangerous. I would be completely up front with your prospective submissive and if you both find the situation agreeable, I say give it a shot. If you do find out that you are more of a switch then you thought, that doesn't have to affect your submissive at all. If you find that being a domme is not for you and you feel you should end the relationship, then do it in considerate and ethical fashion.

I wouldn't worry about being judged by future partners. A secure dominant would not find this threatening. Insecure dominants who would look down on you aren't worth your time.

Joe

(in reply to Lepidoptera)

Post #: 15

RE: I'm a sub... should I dom a guy? - 5/23/2005 3:30:18 PM

MzBerlin

Posts: 378
Joined: 7/3/2004
Status: offline

Lepidoptera-
*geez, you have a name that's hard to type!! -lol-*
I usually identify as a selectively submissive female. However- a few weeks ago I was given the opportunity to top another girl who is *really* into pain. I've played lightly with other people, doing a little flogging or playing with some clamps, but this was the first time I was asked to coordinate a rather 'heavy' scene and "dominate" another person.
I enjoyed it, but only to a certain extent. I didn't feel very comfortable in my skills, but was greatful for the opportunity to practice. I had a very experienced Dom/Top present to guide me and watch out for any mistakes I might make.
The evening went off w/o a hitch and I had fun. Afterwords, though, I analyzed the entire scene and felt rather guilty. I've read and been told that's common. She was rather bruised and battered and crying after our scene, and it made me feel awful. She told me she loved it, and that made me feel a bit better.
I guess my point is (and I think I have one!!) is that I'm greatful for the experience and recommend it, but it did cause some conflicting feelings in me. I certainly do not identify as a Dom or Top, but I now consider myself rather sadistic. (and I did like that). I guess just be aware that might feel rather conflicted and confused afterwords. (maybe- but you might be a natural and LOVE it!! who knows??)
I probably should have asked you if you were looking to scene with this person or have an ongoing D/s dynamic. If it was the former, I hope that I;ve helped.
B

_____________________________

new pictures!! www.ropexpert.com
also- you can catch me on www.ksexradio.com every tuesday. I co-host Baadmasters' Dungeon!!

(in reply to Lepidoptera)

Post #: 16

RE: I'm a sub... should I dom a guy? - 5/23/2005 4:05:07 PM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

If you're so sure you're submissive, you shouldn't dom him because you have no interest in doing so. If the idea is attractive to you, maybe you're not quite as submissive as you think....

This is a typical generalisation that doesn't equate in the real world. This is exactly the kind of response mentioned in a thread on the switch forum.

Just because you have the inclination to dom - doesn't make you any less submissive. Or visa versa.

quote:

You're only 19 so it's reasonable to say you haven't enough life experiences to know exactly where you fit in just yet

You are right - many don't find out until they are older - but age does not equal experience nor visa versa. I am aware of some very centred younger top/bottoms who have more experience than older ones may have. Again, generalisation.

quote:

And if you really do have the Dom/me genes, you won't give a rat's clacker what anyone outside your private relationships thinx.

Nor if you are a submissive. Or a slave. Or a Top/bottom/switch/Sadist/masochist.... list goes on. It doesn't matter who or what you are - as long as you are secure in the knowledge that what you are doing is right for you - then what others think is irrelevant.

Being interested in dominating does not mean you are a dom or a switch, if inside you feel submissive. You may have the interest to explore in a scene sense - but that doesn't make you any less a sub. I would say - go with the flow. Don't be too put off or misdirected by labels of what you should be or how you should act. End of the day - your dominant is the only person who has that control should you wish to relinquish it. And if, in the meantime you discover you are a dominant or a switch - then enjoy the journey!

Peace and Love

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 17

RE: I'm a sub... should I dom a guy? - 5/23/2005 4:09:41 PM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

"IF" you are indeed a true submissive, Then even the IDEA of Topping someone is just wrong...
I suggest you rethink "WHO" you are you are 19 and have no sure idea perhapsof WHO you indeed are.

I was going to say 'bullshit'... but that just sounded rude.
In your opinion - geez... what is it with generalisations recently?
And they wonder why people have complexes and have a difficulty expressing and communicating their desires.

Just because you have an inclination to dom, doesn't make you any less submissive. Thats like saying, because you are a christian - you have to go to church every sunday - or, if you are a hetro female and want to try sexual relations with a girl, makes you bisexual.

Peace and Love

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to Kinkypupper)

Post #: 18

Page: [1]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> I'm a sub... should I dom a guy?

Page: [1]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.078