Proper Protocol for opening Scene Negotiations

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Proper Protocol for opening Scene Negotiations - 5/11/2005 8:16:26 PM

shay

Posts: 63
Joined: 11/15/2004
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Ive been wondering, and I am hoping I can post this the way I need responses. So here goes: advice is appreciated.

An unattached bottom goes to a play party. There she watches a Top do a scene. The Top's style perks her interests but He/She has a submissive of their own. If the unattached bottom wishes to scene with that Top who would she approach? The submissive who is owned by that Top or the Top Him/Herself, or both at the same time? What is the proper protocol?

Now I'm not talking about sex or sexual contact. I'm talking about scening: good old floggers and paddles. I am talking about a bottom who just wants a thorough scene without invading on another submissive's Owner and possibly causing hard feelings.

Too often I watch from the sidelines, because I don't wish to break proper protocols, and most of all because I don't want to lose friends through jealousy.

Thanks for the opinions ahead of time. As usual I don't know that I will follow any advice given, but at least I will have a better understanding.

~hugs~
shay

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RE: Proper Protocol for opening Scene Negotiations - 5/11/2005 9:03:56 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
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I always say to directly approach the person you want to play with. If they have to talk it over with someone else first, its their responsibility to let you know.

Just go over to them when they are fully done and say "hey that looked really cool, do you think you'd be up for trying that out on me? I've really wanted to experience some more"

Trust me, most tops LOVE the opportunity to try something new. And if they don't, they will let you know.

Whatever the answer- accept it. There's nothing that irritates me more is if a bottom asks me to play and I say I'm not really interested and they keep asking and pushing. Best way to kill your chances.

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RE: Proper Protocol for opening Scene Negotiations - 5/11/2005 9:36:49 PM

MistressFire70

Posts: 378
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: North Carolina
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My opinion and the opinion of those I've asked:

Talk to the Dominant. Always. It's up to the Dominant to relay what is happening to his/her leather family and to know their family well enough to know of any possible jealousy issues. If you want to play with another submissive who is owned, approach their Dominant first; it's a sign of respect for the collar and ownership. Going to the submissive first can look sneaky and disrespectful. But, as with all things, there ARE acceptions...just err on the side of caution with asking the Dominant.

Fire

_____________________________

you have come to a great chasm. Jump. It's not as wide as you think.

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RE: Proper Protocol for opening Scene Negotiations - 5/11/2005 9:43:27 PM

shay

Posts: 63
Joined: 11/15/2004
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nooooooooooooooooooo Mistress Fire..

sighs thinking maybe I didnt word it right after all~

I dont want to play with another submissive.. Im wanting to bottom to his or her Top/Dom/Domme and unsure how to go about it without creating jealousy or a sense of stepping into someone elses private bubble. Sometimes its not possible to know if He or She even plays with other bottoms..

Still, thank You for the information. I will store it away in case that event ever occurs!!!

~smiles~
shay

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RE: Proper Protocol for opening Scene Negotiations - 5/11/2005 9:44:06 PM

Raphael

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Joined: 5/10/2005
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Generally good advice from EmeraldSlave2, but at the same time I guess I have to disagree.

There's nothing wrong with finding an opportunity to discretely broach the subject with the bottom first. It could save a lot of hurt feelings all around, and avoid making an unecessary enemy.

I'm reading into the post that you don't know the people involved, at least not very well. So it's probably best to not assume.

Remember, just because someone's a top doesn't mean he's a master, and a bottom is not equivelant to a submissive, let alone a slave. And if it's a situation where the top will say yes, and the bottom will be hurt and jealous, but silently nurse a grudge afterwards... well hopefully the folks you're talking about are more mature than that, but if they are, taking the route I suggest will get you the same results as the more direct one, with only a little extra time and effort. And if not... the thrill of the play is not likely to be worth the complications afterwards.

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RE: Proper Protocol for opening Scene Negotiations - 5/12/2005 4:19:08 AM

ShiftedJewel

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In my opinion, I don't believe you should ask "permission" from the sub/bottom, but I do believe you should approach them first and ask if it would bother them if you approached their Dominant/Top? Let them know that you were/are very impressed with T/their technique and would truly enjoy having the opportunity to "scene" with that particular Dominant. I have to believe that the sub/bottom would be both complimented by the attention and honored that you are concerned about their feelings on the matter.

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

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RE: Proper Protocol for opening Scene Negotiations - 5/12/2005 5:29:36 AM

EmeraldSlave2

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The problem is that this assumes that
a) the top/dom who is around is THEIR top/dom
b) they aren't just switching for fun

I haven't been out to a club with the Owner since about New Years. But I play in public about 2-3 times a month, sometimes topping, sometimes bottoming. I can understand the reasoning behind wanting to help people not feel defensive or upset, but the only way to bypass bad assumption making is just politely approach the person you want to play with.

IMO the responsiblity is on the PLAYER to communicate with anyone else if they need to about who they play with. If anyone gets annoyed because someone dared ask another to play with them, they need a reality check.

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RE: Proper Protocol for opening Scene Negotiations - 5/12/2005 5:37:06 AM

mistoferin

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I agree with ShiftedJewel on this one. I have been the submissive on both sides of this equation. When I have wished to have an opportunity to scene with another Dominant I have always approached the submissive first, not for permission, but to get a sense of their emotion in regard to it. If I felt that there would be hurt feelings as a result of it then I would simply drop it, as to me it is not worth someone feeling hurt over.

Most of the time though, the other submissive is very receptive and pleased that you cared enough about his/her feelings to bring it up to them, not to mention, most are also proud at an opportunity to show off their Dominant's skill.

As for me being the submissive whose Dominant is sought after for play, when I have been in that position I have always been impressed by the submissives who have spoken to me first. It tells me that they have respect for my position and it says volumes about their character to me.

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~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

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RE: Proper Protocol for opening Scene Negotiations - 5/12/2005 7:56:45 AM

Kiaban

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Joined: 7/11/2004
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Well since you got two different answers I will throw my hat into the ring as well.
I think its more about "how" you approach it than who is the first person to speak with and you seem to have the right attitude about it, so I would say go ahead and ask.If done with the right spirit and someone gets offended its more likely thier own problem than you doing something wrong.

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RE: Proper Protocol for opening Scene Negotiations - 5/12/2005 8:10:52 AM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
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quote:

Ive been wondering, and I am hoping I can post this the way I need responses. So here goes: advice is appreciated.

An unattached bottom goes to a play party. There she watches a Top do a scene. The Top's style perks her interests but He/She has a submissive of their own. If the unattached bottom wishes to scene with that Top who would she approach? The submissive who is owned by that Top or the Top Him/Herself, or both at the same time? What is the proper protocol?

Now I'm not talking about sex or sexual contact. I'm talking about scening: good old floggers and paddles. I am talking about a bottom who just wants a thorough scene without invading on another submissive's Owner and possibly causing hard feelings.

Too often I watch from the sidelines, because I don't wish to break proper protocols, and most of all because I don't want to lose friends through jealousy.

Thanks for the opinions ahead of time. As usual I don't know that I will follow any advice given, but at least I will have a better understanding.

~hugs~
shay

I don't think there's a universal protocol here, at least I haven't seen it in my experience beyond common politness. And you would be surprised at the number of bottoms who aren't going to have a fit if you want to bottom to their Top.

I would encourage you to come in from the sidelines, talk to people and make some friends, rather than just approach a Top at a party. Very often, once people get to know you, you will be able to arrange scenes through your network, at least that's been my experience.

I don't recommend 'meet and beat' stuff, as it can go badly. It can go well, but you increase the risk by doing it.

There's absolutely no reason why a single, uncollared submissive/bottom can't become involved in your group. Regardless of your kink orientation, you are still a person, and even single subs are allowed in the sand box ;)

Lily

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"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

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RE: Proper Protocol for opening Scene Negotiations - 5/12/2005 9:04:02 AM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
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quote:

I would encourage you to come in from the sidelines, talk to people and make some friends, rather than just approach a Top at a party. Very often, once people get to know you, you will be able to arrange scenes through your network, at least that's been my experience.

I have to agree with Lily here...(lol - whats new?) There isn't any defined protocol, but for advise, I would say, step forward and make friends within a group - that way, if the Domiannt you are considering asking to bottom for is involved within the group... and their sub/slave - you will start to get a sense of what they do. You may discover that they don't work seperately at all - you might discover they never have but are considering it - you might be the first. You can then start networking and negociating, rather than just approaching and taking such a huge leap.

Peace and Love

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.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

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RE: Proper Protocol for opening Scene Negotiations - 5/16/2005 10:51:05 AM

SirSTRYKER

Posts: 284
Joined: 8/15/2004
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quote:

Talk to the Dominant. Always. It's up to the Dominant to relay what is happening to his/her leather family and to know their family well enough to know of any possible jealousy issues. If you want to play with another submissive who is owned, approach their Dominant first; it's a sign of respect for the collar and ownership. Going to the submissive first can look sneaky and disrespectful. But, as with all things, there ARE acceptions...just err on the side of caution with asking the Dominant.

Fire

I could not agree more My intelligent Sister. err on the side of caution with asking the Dominant.

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B.O.H.I.C.A. (bend over here it comes again.)

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