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RE: Guilt.... - 5/18/2007 5:46:39 AM

raevnn

Posts: 152
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

*shrug* It's the same way that the women who can never say no or need to do everything and make everyone else happy are selfish- they think they NEED to do it or it won't get done, or done right, they think they NEED to do it or someone will feel bad, they think they NEED to do it or things won't be right, they think they NEED to do it or they won't be a good person.

It's really all about them. They take on everyones feelings and choices and outcomes and pile it all onto their own shoulders. That's pretty selfish and self-centered.

It's also ironic. But still true.

I've always been told that people attempt to control everything in their life out of fear. Many times, they've grown up having to be the one in control because no one was. I'm sure it may seem very selfish to others at times, but it's not always their intent.

I'm certainly not saying controlling people are justified in what they do, but they're certainly not all celf centered and selfish.

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Post #: 21

RE: Guilt.... - 5/18/2007 6:05:21 AM

raevnn

Posts: 152
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It's taking time and trust and a lot of patience from my Daddy to help me lose my guilt. One of the things he's teaching me is that when I come to him and ask him for something, it's no longer mine... whatever I asked for, that is. I gave the responsiblity to him and whatever his choice is, I'm not responsible anymore. And that mentality is beginning to stick and I'm starting to 'take it with me' to other places. For instance, in the past, i might have felt hideous for leaving work early, even if i was running a temp. This week, however, I ask to leave work twice, due to illness and both times I didn't feel the least bit guilty. I'm sick. I asked my boss if I could leave. She said yes. If she didn't want me to leave, she would have told me so.

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Post #: 22

RE: Guilt.... - 5/18/2007 8:17:08 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: minnetar
why are you equating a low self esteem with self centered?

I'm not.

I'm saying excessive unnecessary guilt and perfectionism is self centered.

quote:

Talk about self centered. It is you always having to feel right and not accepting how another feels. You have continually tried to make her opinion shown as invalid.

minnetar

Actually what I've done is given her perfectly logical and realistic validation FOR her guilt. Now she can seek within and start to dig out the core of it and really work on getting past it.

But thanks, it's been a good two months since someone told me I thought I needed to always be right, nice to keep the streak going.

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Post #: 23

RE: Guilt.... - 5/18/2007 8:19:35 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: adoracat
but the number of times the ill mannered males of this household have literally called me from a sickbed to "do" for them or "find this!" makes me think that in our case tis mistaken. the household literally DOES fall apart if i'm not here/am incapacitated in any way.

On the other hand- how much did YOU create and enable that exact situation? This "type" of person will often create situations which will exactly fulfill their expectations- a self-fulfilling prophecy so they can continue their pattern.

You teach people how to act towards you and what expectations to have of you.

quote:

Sir expects me to take better care of his property. sometimes being pulled between the two sides is hurtful to me.

kitten, who doesnt know how to kick the arses of the unreasonable males.

I'm sure you'll do fine- communicate and be reasonable.

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Post #: 24

RE: Guilt.... - 5/18/2007 8:23:11 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: raevnn
I've always been told that people attempt to control everything in their life out of fear. Many times, they've grown up having to be the one in control because no one was. I'm sure it may seem very selfish to others at times, but it's not always their intent.

I completely agree that it is not their intent. In fact I'd said it's really likely NEVER the intent of people like myself or Bella to BE selfish in this manner.

And that's not really the issue- if Bella weren't feeling guilty, I'd be rooting for her all the way, go serve! don't let others do for you!

It's her guilt and frustration which makes it a problem- which says "Something's not going right here"

Her goal now is to maintain her sense of independence, create boundaries, give people back their responsibility, take ownership only for her own actions and expectations, and let the guilt flow over her, not settle in her.

Easy, right? :)

quote:

I'm certainly not saying controlling people are justified in what they do, but they're certainly not all celf centered and selfish.

Oh they all are in some way. Just because it's not an INTENTION of the person doesn't mean they aren't doing or being exactly that.

And again, controlling people isn't always bad or wrong, even if it is selfish. Most people need to be controlled to a certain extent, that's why we get taught discipline as we grow up. It's when you start to feel bad abuot it in some way or when your relationships aren't healthy that you need to take a look and see what to change.

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Post #: 25

RE: Guilt.... - 5/18/2007 8:32:25 PM

minnetar

Posts: 1272
Joined: 4/11/2007
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LA,
reread this response and it is based on self esteem not based on what you think. lmao admit you're wrong rather than to continue to justify it. The response says it.

minnetar

quote:

ORIGINAL: bellaballanda

quote:

ORIGINAL: minnetar

i think maybe more so than guilt is that we don't feel we are entitled to ask others for anything. We are the ones who are supposed to do all the giving so it is extremely hard to take care of ourselves and learn to ask for things when we need them.

minnetar

I really think this is the nub of my issue. I feel like it's some how wrong for me to ask for something, that I should be the one giving things....