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RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/18/2007 1:07:36 PM

pinksugarsub

Posts: 1224
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressNoName

I wasn't quite sure where to post this. And it's just a rant anyway, that has been ranted on before, ad infinitum. It certainly is not worth many pages, and it's just my issue that I have to work out someway, but here goes: It simply continues to amaze me how very many men I get writing to me, in one type of committed vanilla relationship or other, who feel the need to justify the fact that they are cheating on their wives/girlfriends. I got this when I was subbing and I'm getting it even more now that I am topping. It's just amazing to me...I guess I'm hoping to figure out why this amazes me so. Can anyone else relate to this at all?

Oh, btw, I'm not seeking advice on how to deal with these special people. I've pretty much got my response down pat...and of course, I know all about "Invoking the Great Goddess Ignora via the Blessed Block Feature." Just wondering what others think/feel about this. And for clarity, in this context, I'm defining cheating as someone who is seeking sexual gratification, bdsm play outside of their committed monogamous, usually vanilla relationship without express knowledge and support from their partner.

MNN

The only difference i see between unfaithful vanilla husbands and unfaithful kinky husbands is that the kinky husbands generally claim their wives are vanilla and they are suffering for a lack of play in some heart breaking way.

i thought i had heard every conceivable justification an unfaithful husband could voice in my time, but i must say the 'net has opened a new can of worms.

i am grateful though for the unfaithful husbands who admit they are married/separated/involved. Some try to conceal this fact but it is apparent in short order from their conduct.

IMO a Dom is not a liar; not to me, and not to His wife. Ergo, liars are not Doms.

_____________________________

(in reply to MistressNoName)

Post #: 21

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/18/2007 1:37:26 PM

stella40

Posts: 417
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: London, UK
Status: offline

I agree with Faramir here 100%. It's not just men, it's women as well. Dommes do it as well and there are plenty of 'married lady seeks sub' advertisements out there, or you come across a Domme who has her 'vanilla life' and requires discretion.

It's not gender specific, for whatever reason some people feel they cannot be completely honest with the other person in a relationship or that they cannot communicate with them openly. Many people differentiate between vanilla and BDSM, they usually have a well-established vanilla relationship and feel that rather than risk rejection and talk about their BDSM interests openly with their partner it's much easier to go behind their partner's back to get what they want.

I know because I've done it myself. In my former male gender days I would have a vanilla relationship with a woman as a male but seek contact with another female with whom I'd be in my female gender, and this was even condoned by a couple of counsellors at the time. Why did I do this? Because I felt sure from my previous experience that if I spoke up about my 'feminine' side there would be a fair chance I wouldn't be understood and the relationship would end. Therefore I felt it was much better and easier to say nothing.

Now of course I wouldn't do such a thing not just because I'm monogamous but because I have no need, I am who I really am and have no need to lie or cheat. It's very easy to point the finger at someone but do you really understand why? Human relationships are usually complex, and while there are clear cut cases of deceit and infidelity there's usually also another side to the story or someone isn't handling the relationship in the best way they should.

Sometimes I get approached by married men who want to sleep with me because I am a transsexual. They're not interested in me as a person, or in having an affair, they just want to sleep with me because they perceive me as a woman with a dick. These men (and I guess most people who commit infidelity) are in denial. They claim to be '100% heterosexual' but want to give me oral. These 'admirers' or tranny chasers are just as much the bane of the transgendered community as those who are looking for extra-marital affairs in the BDSM community.

The way I see it is perhaps people are also in denial when it comes to BDSM. They have sex with their partner, but sex and BDSM doesn't count because it is BDSM. I don't quite see the logic in this argument, but I guess everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

< Message edited by stella40 -- 5/18/2007 2:05:32 PM >

_____________________________

I try to take one day at a time, but several days come and attack me at once. (Jennifer Unlimited)

If you can't be a good example then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

(in reply to MistressNoName)

Post #: 22

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/18/2007 1:45:56 PM

Suleiman

Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressNoName

I wasn't quite sure where to post this. And it's just a rant anyway, that has been ranted on before, ad infinitum. It certainly is not worth many pages, and it's just my issue that I have to work out someway, but here goes: It simply continues to amaze me how very many men I get writing to me, in one type of committed vanilla relationship or other, who feel the need to justify the fact that they are cheating on their wives/girlfriends. I got this when I was subbing and I'm getting it even more now that I am topping. It's just amazing to me...I guess I'm hoping to figure out why this amazes me so. Can anyone else relate to this at all?

Oh, btw, I'm not seeking advice on how to deal with these special people. I've pretty much got my response down pat...and of course, I know all about "Invoking the Great Goddess Ignora via the Blessed Block Feature." Just wondering what others think/feel about this. And for clarity, in this context, I'm defining cheating as someone who is seeking sexual gratification, bdsm play outside of their committed monogamous, usually vanilla relationship without express knowledge and support from their partner.

MNN

Please, I pray you, continue to be amazed and baffled. It means you still think that human beings are good and rational creatures. Cynicism is an unbecoming trait, and one which should be battled to the bitter end.

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to MistressNoName)

Post #: 23

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/18/2007 4:33:14 PM

Griswold

Posts: 2739
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressNoName

I wasn't quite sure where to post this. And it's just a rant anyway, that has been ranted on before, ad infinitum. It certainly is not worth many pages, and it's just my issue that I have to work out someway, but here goes: It simply continues to amaze me how very many men I get writing to me, in one type of committed vanilla relationship or other, who feel the need to justify the fact that they are cheating on their wives/girlfriends. I got this when I was subbing and I'm getting it even more now that I am topping. It's just amazing to me...I guess I'm hoping to figure out why this amazes me so. Can anyone else relate to this at all?

Oh, btw, I'm not seeking advice on how to deal with these special people. I've pretty much got my response down pat...and of course, I know all about "Invoking the Great Goddess Ignora via the Blessed Block Feature." Just wondering what others think/feel about this. And for clarity, in this context, I'm defining cheating as someone who is seeking sexual gratification, bdsm play outside of their committed monogamous, usually vanilla relationship without express knowledge and support from their partner.

MNN

Ya know what? I read all this shit...and it's the same old shit...guy's married...guy fucks around...chic doesn't know (or is assumed not to)...chic should know (cause guy is a piece of shit), and I have one basic motherfucking question?

How come chic doesn't kick this piece of shit out on the first assumption that he's a piece of shit (which, by the way...should be a VERY good validation that he's a piece of shit...considering chics know when a guy's a piece of shit...but chics consistently let pieces of shit hang around....largely because chics are (too often) too fucking stupid to say "HEY!!!! YOU THERE!!!! YOU'RE A HUMONGOUS PIECE OF SHIT....YOU SHOULD LEAVE....NOW....YES....RIGHT THIS MINUTE...NOW....AS IN....RIGHT FUCKING NOW...").

(Someone s'plain this shit to me puhlease!!!!!)

(in reply to MistressNoName)

Post #: 24

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/18/2007 4:37:10 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Main Entry: 1shit

Function: noun
Pronunciation: 'shit, interjectionally also 'she-&t
Etymology: (assumed) Middle English, from Old English scite; akin to Old English -scītan to defecate
1 usually vulgar : EXCREMENT
2 usually vulgar : an act of defecation
3 usually vulgar : NONSENSE , CRAP
4 usually vulgar : any of several intoxicating or narcotic drugs ; especially : HEROIN
5 usually vulgar : DAMN 2
6 usually vulgar : a worthless, offensive, or detestable person
- shit·ty

/'shi-te/ adjective usually vulgar

Well, you asked..... and I'm helpful like that.

Edited to say.... Shit... The post will probably get My hand slapped by the Mods for #4.

< Message edited by LadyPact -- 5/18/2007 4:38:23 PM >

(in reply to Griswold)

Post #: 25

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/18/2007 9:49:42 PM

Wickad

Posts: 428
Joined: 3/12/2005
Status: offline

(fast reply)

It is my opinion that people cheat because of fear. The exact nature of the fear is specific to each cheater but the real motivation for cheating is fear.

That all being said, I also wonder at the vast number of people who contact me seeking to use me to cheat on their partners. I also wonder at the large number of people who contact me from India begging me to dominate them via the internet even though my profile is very explicit about this - not a chance. I wonder about the motivations of a lot of people that I run into in both kinky and vanilla circles.

Someone once told me that very intelligent people have a hard time understanding the motivations of folks not as intelligent as they are. I was told that Einstein didn't have a lot of friends because he just couldn't relate to people who weren't thinking on his level. I have no idea if this is the truth but ... I'm going to go with it as a working model and simply claim that I don't understand a lot of folks because I'm bloody brilliant - lol.

Good luck in finding the rationalization that works for you.

Wickad

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 26

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/18/2007 11:27:59 PM

DommeChains

Posts: 415
Joined: 3/23/2006
Status: offline

The ones that make me the craziest are the cheaters who find the fact that they are cheating to be funny or cute. Pleeeezee! it is not endearing to giggle about the fact that you have such a disrespect for your partner that you won't let them know who you really are. Leaves a bad taste in my mouth (metaphorically). Be honest, be comfortable with who you are or go elsewhere is my motto.

(in reply to MistressNoName)

Post #: 27

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/19/2007 7:44:42 AM

shyinini

Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

quote:

ORIGINAL: shyinini

Ya know....ya all can stand in judgemnt of these peeps...but have you looked in your own back yard to clean up your shit before you try to pick the shit from their back yard?

You know, like L.A., I too have been honest about the fact that what I did before the end of my marriage was considered cheating by my partner...though I did not at the time. I went through the therapy and the counseling and yeah...I got it that I had cheated and that there were many more choices to me than the one I made. My biggest problem and most-hated hurdle was the fact that I knew that going in to the counseling.

Like it or not...we all make judgments. And we all have opinions. Sometimes, the judgments are seen as opinions and sometimes the opinions are seen as judgments. And sometimes, those judgments and opinions come about due to our own bad experiences with the subject in question (some of us have cheated, knowing it was wrong but finding a way to justify it and then, in the end realizing your own judgment and ideas and thoughts about it were wrong) and sometimes they come about from no experience but plenty of lessons taught about the subject in question (most of us do not have to commit murder to be able to make the judgment or be of the opinion that it is wrong). It is human nature to do so and, to be honest, I will maintain my judgments about certain things. That doesn't make me a hypocrite...a hypocrite would be one who continues to do the wrong act while telling you how wrong it is for you. It doesn't make me non-understanding...I know the frustrations and the tensions and the desperation that can lead to certain acts. I understand them. But the choice to commit those acts...when other, more correct choices are available...is still the wrong choice and I reserve my right to say so. And saying so doesn't mean I have to be perfect in my own life. It just means that I stand ready to accept my own..or someone else's...calling of me on my own bad behavior, whether I like their calling of it or not.

That Creative is just what I so tried simply and without a long discourse to state before but it came across as rude and crude and judgmental to a few who have responded elsewhere. It was never meant as that.
That was my opinion... not a judgement and if it was taken that way so be it. Maybe the shoe fits.
It seems the ones who weigh in on the I "cheat" corner of issue stand in the shadows and say nothing... or they say something after the fact when the "damage" is done.

Now I am gonna try to make this right becasue LA is following me around and trying her damnest to irritate the hell out of me...she cant, she doesnt have that control or pwoer.

She wrote.... on yet another thread.... she seems to spread her venom for me over all the boards like butter on bread...
While I certainly do have a certain level of proficiency in those things, no, one doesn't need to be those things in order to see them glaring like a huge neon sign when it's right in front of you.

Your post was ESPECIALLY amusing after your attempt to knock people down for being "judgemental" in the infidelity thread.

I personally have been on the side "cheated" against. It feels like fucking hell. The emotional shit was what brought me to the end of myself..... and if I hadnt stepped back and gotten perspective..saved myself so to speak.... I would have ended up in the looney bin.

I will try NOT to judge the intentions or misread the intentions or questions motivations of anyone...because altho I tried to figure out what horrible thing I had done to make him cheat and lie and decieve me... I literally did nothing but bend over backwards to please him.

I could not clean out the shit in his backyard cause I had shit in my own.
We cannot clean out the shit in another's backyard cause we have shit in our own backyard.... try as we might, we cant make a horse drink even if we CAN bring it to water. All we can do is take responsiblity for our own crap and hope someone else does the same.
And this is in regards to way more issues than JUST infidelity.
That is all I was saying in my post. Albeit short and direct.

Why should we rant and rave about infidelity issues when we can neither change the other or even convince them that in our opinion it is not a very nice and honorable thing to do??
If they make their bed and lie in it... let them. If they learn, they do.

LA castrates me on every issue she can find wrong with me...tis her way about me...she thinks she knows me intimately but she hasnt a fucking clue. Let her judge, let her deny she is trying to antogonize me...go for it girl.... I am not the doormat you might perceive to me be, altho I once was.

You know Griswold had an excellent perspective on infedility !!

I have eaten my share a of shit and been around enough to know that life gives you shit and either you get over it or you wallow in it...
**************************************************
LuckyAlbatross I am publically requesting that you stay off my back there is no reason for you to try and antogonize me... I will REFRAIN from ever responding to any of your posts again...even tho many times you are so dead on right and other times I just dont get you...
We are different people different values and different core beliefs and definitely not of the same mind.
Just dont anymore... tis what I am asking publically so everyone knows I have requested this as nicely as I can.

I think people are very tired of the shit publically going down. Good bye, you will not see me reading your posts or respeonding to any...not even now if you respond to this one and I wont read your email either.

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 28

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/19/2007 8:09:48 AM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

I ahve no time for cheaters

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran

(in reply to MistressNoName)

Post #: 29

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/19/2007 8:55:57 AM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

I always find it kinda ironic that this topic comes up so often, and everyone is so blatantly against cheating. Not that I endorse it, I do not. Yet according to statistics, approximately 50% of women and 70% of men will cheat at least once. The numbers aren't set in stone. Some say women are 30 to 50%, men are 50 to 70%.

Either way you cut it, that is a whole lot of cheating going on. There is a more complicated mechanism going on here than just being in an unhappy marriage, or any of the other usual excuses.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to MistressNoName)

Post #: 30

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/19/2007 9:06:23 AM

subinside

Posts: 233
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Toronto, ON
Status: offline

i am currently suffering the effects of infidelity. my Sir, to whom i was engaged, making plans to move my unmentionable and i from Canada to Tampa, has been cheating on me emotionally for a while and now, physically in the last month. His profile never changed to include mention of me, or my position in his life.. so any women who met up with him on here would have been unaware of the fact he was cheating. He explained that he never told them because he didn't feel it was necessary for them to know.

He gave me excuses that i believed.. because i wanted to believe.. that, and the fact that he was a practiced liar and cheater and now it's to the point that i'd have to check to see if the sky really was blue.

As mentioned by someone else.. it was the deception and dishonesty more than the actual physical act

_____________________________

~si

You want me to call You what?... i'll take it under advisement.

000-150-313

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)

Post #: 31

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/19/2007 9:07:11 AM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline

I have no opinion of cheating. If you do, you do. If you don't, you don't. It's sorta like the weather - just something that's there. It's an issue that's been around for forever and will continue forever. Neither side ever wins the moral debate, although the polarized vehemence can be amusing.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to SirDominic)

Post #: 32

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/19/2007 9:12:58 AM

arkansassy

Posts: 2
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

I think you need to look into what it is about you and your profiles that keeps attracting these men and change it. Then you'll have nothing you'll need to rant about.

K... not to argue with your opinion; however, I am very specific in my profile telling married men to just keep moving on. They simply ignore it!

You (collectively speaking) want to cheat, fine...but it takes two and I'm not going to be one of them.

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)

Post #: 33

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/19/2007 9:45:44 AM

MistressNoName

Posts: 664
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline

Very interesting posts, one and all. Thanks especially to those of you who have commented directly to the topic I proposed. I really appreciated your words especially, as they have been helping me to gain some perspective. I'll be reading them over a few times. I'm not going to point out any particular posts - there were quite a few and I don't want to mention one and leave out another. Nor will I comment on the posts that I think stray from the topic. But thanks everyone for your contribution.

MNN

(in reply to arkansassy)

Post #: 34

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/19/2007 4:17:31 PM

DevilsBlades

Posts: 3
Joined: 3/17/2007
Status: offline

All I know is that an unfaithful person can cause a lot of pain. Especially if you've been together for about a year and five months when said unfaithfulness occurs. :(

But yeah, it happens. Unfortunately there isn't really a way to stop people from being unfaithful. It's just a matter of moving on or trying to work things out ...

BLADES

(in reply to NakedGirlScout)

Post #: 35

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/19/2007 4:44:47 PM

Faramir

Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shyinini
**************************************************
LuckyAlbatross I am publically requesting that you stay off my back there is no reason for you to try and antogonize me... I will REFRAIN from ever responding to any of your posts again...even tho many times you are so dead on right and other times I just dont get you...
We are different people different values and different core beliefs and definitely not of the same mind.
Just dont anymore... tis what I am asking publically so everyone knows I have requested this as nicely as I can.

I think people are very tired of the shit publically going down. Good bye, you will not see me reading your posts or respeonding to any...not even now if you respond to this one and I wont read your email either.

HAHAHHHAHAHAH!! Holy shit what a crazy sig!! Jeez, is she that far in your OODA loop??

WHOOP-WHOOP-WHOOP!! DRAMA LLAMA ALERT!!! WHOOP-WHOOP-WHOOP!!

This place RAWKS!

(in reply to shyinini)

Post #: 36

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/19/2007 5:05:43 PM

KeirasSecret

Posts: 415
Joined: 8/17/2006
From: central NH
Status: offline

quote:

Cynicism is an unbecoming trait, and one which should be battled to the bitter end.

Amen!

(in reply to Suleiman)

Post #: 37

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/19/2007 5:16:34 PM

minnetar

Posts: 1272
Joined: 4/11/2007
Status: offline

i think we need to take responsibility for ourselves. Is this other person sending out red flags to indicate that person is cheating and we are ignoring it? i cannot tolerate someone who cheats.

minnetar

< Message edited by minnetar -- 5/19/2007 5:17:35 PM >

(in reply to MistressNoName)

Post #: 38

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 5/19/2007 5:59:15 PM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

People cheat it's a fact of life i am not going to loose sleep over it, judge it, try to change it, or debate it - it happens. What i totally do not AT ALL understand is when people come here and sneak aroud on vanilla partners they are not married to because they are missing something from their relationships - i mean WTF!?!?!?! if something is missing get the hell out if you are that unhappy why stay - are they seriously going to possibly one day marry their vanilla partner who cannot fulfill them? WHY!?!?!?! Get out before kids, and problems, and complictions come that make it almost impossible to leave. It is so weak - do they need someone so b adly in their lives they have to cling onto a vanilla partner rather then be alone till they find a bdsm partner? Makes totally no sense to me at al. Some even get married to those vanilla partners

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to minnetar)

Post #: 39

RE: Yet Another Rant About Infidelity - 9/28/2007 12:33:48 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinksugarsub

IMO a Dom is not a liar; not to me, and not to His wife. Ergo, liars are not Doms.

Goes both ways. I was with a sub once who told me she loved me out one side of her mouth, but found time to go out with somebody else.

When we broke up I pointed out to her that they both deserved each other, which was a comment she said she did not like hearing and felt she did not deserve. Probaby a bit harsh on my part. So I say "One of you lacks class and grace and butts in to the relationships of others, and the other lacks class and respect by telling one man she loves him and then going out with another."

I said it is only a matter of time before those chickens come home to roost.

I want somebody to watch my back while I sleep, since I am doing that for her.

So I went back to my swamp, put up my signs, and was a terrifying ogre once more.

Shrekergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to pinksugarsub)

Post #: 40

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