RE: Are you part of the "community"? (Full Version)

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MadRabbit -> RE: Are you part of the "community"? (5/18/2007 3:33:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Are you not considered a "lifestyler" unless you are part of the community?What makes you a part of the community -- attending munches and play parties?  If you never attend any of these things, are you still a member of the BDSM community?


I have to say I am not a member of the BDSM community. I used to take a very small part in the Charleston and Columbia communities when I had free time. I have since learned that neither really other what I want. I look forward to one day being able to travel to events and groups that center around M/S, but unfortanely there isnt really anything like that in my home town. The unfortanate reality is I have to travel for nearly anything worth going to and travel expenses are just not plausible for me right now. In fact, to be honest, I have to travel just to meet potential partners as I have had zero luck in meeting anyone I am interested in locally.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
Do people ever mix their communities?  If you have a close set of friends that are from a hobby group of some sort, do you tell them about your bdsm community friends and vice versa?


As with all aspects of life, I wont invite someone to come to an event that I know they had zero interest or would feal comfortable with. I wont invite a non alcholic to one of my rare nights on the town with my buddies. I wont invite someone who loathed heavy metal music to a heavy metal concert. And I wont invite someone who had zero interest in BDSM to a BDSM event.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
Is the BDSM community your main circle of friends and support?  What about online community?  How many communities do you consider yourself a part of, and how accepting are they?



Not even close, though I have happened to meet a few individuals who share my philosophies and interests and have shown a degree of respect towards me that has blossomed into a very nice friendship. I would call these people my main source of support regarding issues, but not my main source of friends.

This online community provides me with my main source of discussion. There is a wealth of knowledge and perspective here and taking an active part has changed my ways of thinking tremendously. I wont call it a source of friends or support, because its still online anonymonity and I rarely ever bring personal issues here.

Like any social group, how accepting they are of you has to do with how much they like you and how closely your own views match the herd mantra.

I was more accepted by people in Columbia because of my knowledge, maturity and philosophies while in my own city, I felt like I wasnt wanted around. Nearly all the group was middle age and I felt my youth cut me off from fealing apart of them. On top of that, it was mostly focused on S/M (hence the name ChaSM) and I was never really interested in that (even though I didnt make that decision about myself until after I had left)






smcontrol -> RE: Are you part of the "community"? (5/18/2007 3:37:47 PM)

Not being involved in a viable poly relationship I've only lived in "the lifestyle" with one person at any given moment so there was not a lot of community.  But if you want to make the question mean part of a community of Dominant Men and the submissive women who serve them then perhaps; but only if you look at it the way you would if you were married and were asked if you were part of THE Married Community or THE Married Lifestyle.

So I often find intelligent people I can connect with who share a need for walking a D/s path, but I almost never find them at BDSM Events or Munches.  Back when I was younger and had more why's to answer I sought out and found a number of groups across parts of the country.  Maybe you all have found bigger and better groups than I, but most of the D/s themed parties or groups or munches that I've attended have been boring to the point of tedium.  The talk too often, at the limited groups I sought and found, was about toys toys and toys.  Or the giggling of submissives as they accused each other of being "bad" and needing a "spanking."  It was disappointing and even a little sad.

But I've found some wonderful women who privately and quietly taught me more about giving and passion and love than all of the poets and philosophers.  Now those were communities...



gypsygrl -> RE: Are you part of the "community"? (5/18/2007 3:38:53 PM)

I dunno.  I guess I don't consider myself part of a "lifestyle."  When I have to explain myself (its a rare occasion; most people don't care), I do it in terms of sexual practices/relationships and not lifestyle.  I think of alternative lifestyles as being more all encompassing than anything I've heard about with this stuff.  The alternative lifestyles I'm aware of relate to ecologically sensitive living practices, or communal living arrangements.  I'm not saying bdsmers can't live an alternative lifestyle, but when I see people refer to themselves as "lifestylers" I don't think they mean it in the same way I use alternative lifestyle.  To me, an alternative lifestyler couldn't blend in with the rest of society and they wouldn't want to.

I enjoyed the couple events I attended, but because of my personal situation am not able to get out as much as I'd like so it's been a while.  Even though I've attended these events, and would attend more if I had the chance, I still don't consider myself part of a lifestyle.

I can't imagine getting married again, but its hard to imagine a situation where I'd have to keep some friends from other friends.  I'm not closeted and don't need to keep parts of my life secret from other parts of my life.  Of course, there's not much reason to mix them either. 

I use the internet to meet people but don't have any on-line friendships.  I like participating in the discussion forums on this site because it contains more substantive discussion than is possible to find real life.   Writing allows for a different sort of conversation than speech does.  I do think of it as a community of people with similar interests engaged in discussing common concerns.  Whether or not these people like each other is a different question. lol




LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Are you part of the "community"? (5/18/2007 4:15:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: akisha
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
Are you not considered a "lifestyler" unless you are part of the community?

No.

So because we don't have a very active community where I am and I can't travel down to the bigger city to attend stuff down there very often I guess that means I'm not "really" into BDSM then??

I think the negatives made things confusing.

If I had answered yes, I'd be agreeing that "Yes, you are NOT considered a "lifestyler" unless you are part of the community."

I disagree with that statement.



SlyStone -> RE: Are you part of the "community"? (5/18/2007 4:47:07 PM)

I do think of it as a community of people with similar interests engaged in discussing common concerns.



I think there are two distinct kinds of communities. Those that draw people together who have a shared interest, and those that hold people together who have a shared set of values. The former is fragile, the latter is powerful, sometimes to powerful.

I think bdsm clearly falls in the former category because there is really only a very narrow and singular commonality at work here, ie the interest in and practice of bdsm, which in my opinion is not nearly enough of a a definable state of being so as to hold people together. However it can and will draw people together.


This is in contrast to a faith based value driven community for example, mainstream or alternative, in which the shared experience is so strong and definable ( misled and misguided though they may often be) so as to both draw people together and hold them together, in and of itself


Personally I am not a joiner by nature and I think Grocho Marx's line " I would never join a club that would have me as a member" best describes my feelings of belonging to anything more than the community of humanity



gypsygrl -> RE: Are you part of the "community"? (5/18/2007 5:37:19 PM)

quote:

those that hold people together who have a shared set of values.


This sounds a little like the "communitarian" version of community popularized by Amitai Etzioni and the like.  I've done a lot of reading in community studies, and I don't know that that kind of community has ever existed real life except in popular mythology where it sits next to mom, apple pie and base ball.

I take a more operational approach to community:  if enough of the same (pixel)people keep returning to the same (cyber)place, to engage in (hyper-real and often frivolous)conversation, then it can be considered a community.  Again, they don't have to like each other or share anything more than a conversation.  It's perfectly possible that they can all be cynical and slightly embarrassed about our own participation in that conversation.  But, in sharing the conversation, a common bond is formed via language, however tenuous or ephemereal. 

I'm not a huge joiner inner, and tend to stay on the edges of things, but I still like the conversation.





CrazyC -> RE: Are you part of the "community"? (5/18/2007 5:41:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha


Are you not considered a "lifestyler" unless you are part of the community?

No, just means your not part of a community.

What makes you a part of the community -- attending munches and play parties?  If you never attend any of these things, are you still a member of the BDSM community?

I think that the only thing that makes you part of a community is associating with others in that community. There are many groups in the community here, and yet i still find pocket groups that many don't know about. Or those pocket groups know nothing about the groups in this area.

Do people ever mix their communities?  If you have a close set of friends that are from a hobby group of some sort, do you tell them about your bdsm community friends and vice versa?If you had a wedding, could all your friends from all communities attend together, or do you keep them separate?

My best friends are a mix of all sorts of vanilla and kinks, and so yes we talk all the time about things like that. But that is the beauty of being part of a religion where sex is celebrated and honored.

Is the BDSM community your main circle of friends and support? 

No, though i have found kindred spirits, and feel lucky to have some to call as friends.




thetammyjo -> RE: Are you part of the "community"? (5/18/2007 6:35:40 PM)

I was part of several communities when we lived in NYC.

I was part of the local community here where we currently live for six years until some things happened that made me and my entire family no longer wish to be involved locally.

Not having a meatlife community now is one of the reasons I got on to Collarme.com.

I burnt out on being any sort of leader in these communities so I have not attempted to find or start any others. What I get now are occasional groups I visit or conventions we attend. To be honest, given the past experience, it would take an awful lot to get me to even try being part of a meatlife community again. Sadly the online stuff just really doesn't offer me the same sense of community we had in NYC or or first few years here.



Kitte9 -> RE: Are you part of the "community"? (5/18/2007 6:50:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

"love, honor, and obey" I mean how much more kinky can you get?  You do after all place a circle around her to bind her to you.  Most if not all the symbology we bring to collaring comes from the Christian marriage ceremony.


I never thought about it, but you're quite right, aren't you? Cool.



akisha -> RE: Are you part of the "community"? (5/18/2007 7:19:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: akisha
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
Are you not considered a "lifestyler" unless you are part of the community?

No.

So because we don't have a very active community where I am and I can't travel down to the bigger city to attend stuff down there very often I guess that means I'm not "really" into BDSM then??

I think the negatives made things confusing.

If I had answered yes, I'd be agreeing that "Yes, you are NOT considered a "lifestyler" unless you are part of the community."

I disagree with that statement.


Ahhh ok *S*  

thanks LA



Guilty1974 -> RE: Are you part of the "community"? (5/19/2007 12:38:54 AM)

There is no "BDSM community", there's a million or more of them. Of some I consider myself a member, of others I don't.



DocTSH -> RE: Are you part of the "community"? (5/19/2007 2:03:40 AM)

It seems to me there is no "one size fits all" answer to the OP.  I imagine it is who you are as a person and up to yourself to define if you are a lifestyler and if you are part of the community.  Since there is no "One" community, it needs to be looked at from the persective of comfort levels.  There are some that only are invovled online, some that only go to munches, some who belong to groups, some who belong to private clubs, some that their careers revolve around it, and some that combine parts or all of the before mentioned.  I'm sure there is a measurement of how extraverted or intraverted a person is.  I consider myself a part of the "Community" in as I have similar likes and desires, however it is not my base as a person.



andreaC -> RE: Are you part of the "community"? (5/19/2007 4:49:10 AM)

All i will say is that i dont feel like i belong to any community.  I have been to a few munches and play parties and its all the same, if you dont play, then you are somewhat left aside.  That is just my opinion



shyinini -> RE: Are you part of the "community"? (5/19/2007 5:02:11 AM)

Wonderful topic Akasha.

As I have read through it, it is very interesting to me to see the responses of how people feel or view or value their local munch or bdsm coumminity.

This thread gives a bit different slant for those who advocatre fiercely for newbies to join thier local munches for vairous reasons...the pros and cons.

I have never considerd myself a lifestyler, altho I have used "that word" in posting or in emails to others.
 
My present Sir is well known in "the community" but he is also well known in his own right no matter where he goes.
I was welcomed and have become a part of this, his world.  I feel as if I do have a new home with him only becasue I have never had this before. I am blessed.

TammyJo said...Sadly the online stuff just really doesn't offer me the same sense of community.......
I'd like to add my own finish to this beginning.... becasue of the insincereity the sarcasm and bitterness that does exist.  I bit back too when bitten at and many times I find that so distasteful, but I do it.  LA has a few nasty nasty words for me, tis her opinion and she doesnt know me, neither do I know here.  
There are a few posters I like doenjoy reading because they say so many great things and I can easily learn, get a differ persepctive on something, but for the most part, reading and learning is about all I do here besides post.  There is no poster I would want to meet but there are some, only some I admire from afar.  



StellaByStarlite -> RE: Are you part of the "community"? (5/19/2007 5:28:53 AM)

When I think of community, I think of my neighborhood and surrounding area, not "a group of like-minded people" or anything like that. My only community are the folks that live around me, so of course they're concerned with the same things I am, more or less. We may not all be on good terms with each other, but we vote for levies, have a blockwatch, keep an eye on each other's homes sometimes, etc. Attending munches or parties would probably be a damn good time, but they wouldn't be so important to me that I would consider them "community". 




sambamanslilgirl -> RE: Are you part of the "community"? (5/19/2007 5:47:15 AM)

ok let's break it down:
quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
Are you not considered a "lifestyler" unless you are part of the community?What makes you a part of the community -- attending munches and play parties?  If you never attend any of these things, are you still a member of the BDSM community?

just because i (Daddy and my bf are the same way) are not part of any local community and/or attend munches/parties doesn't mean i'm not a member of the BDSM community.  they tend to be more private and discrete mostly because of their (Daddy and bf) professions however on the other hand - i have no interest in attending play/fetish parties because i find them boring. i have seen more action with BDSM on stage with  rock bands than i do at the parties.

quote:

Do people ever mix their communities?  If you have a close set of friends that are from a hobby group of some sort, do you tell them about your bdsm community friends and vice versa?

why would i want to announce to the world - hey, look at me! i'm wearing  a leather collar with a leash around my neck! i have friends in and out of the bdsm community and no one asks why i wear i metal wedding ring most days or that chain link one. if they are that curious, they will ask but they don't.  Daddy has His set of friends and colleagues too-  He would never tell His patients or others about this because it's part of His private life. my bf same thing.

quote:

If you had a wedding, could all your friends from all communities attend together, or do you keep them separate?

good question since i have thought about that recently when it came up and of course it will be a traditional, white outdoor ceremony. sorry but no leather and/or BDSM wear - this will be a very formal and classy ceremony and our family/relatives/firends/co-workers will be in attendance (with UMs) .  i wouldn't want our guests offended however if it's a private ceremony just between us two say like a collaring one, then it would be only BDSM community.

quote:

Is the BDSM community your main circle of friends and support?

no - i also have Daddy, my mother, godmothers, father, etc.

quote:

What about online community?  How many communities do you consider yourself a part of, and how accepting are they?

let's see i'm part of a music community (radio station included) and they already knew about my lifestyle ...never made the point to hide it.  plus i blend in nicely with all the punk and metalheads during the shows i review by wearing my collars.  i'm part of a religious community - i don't have to wear my collars but i do anyway.  no one has asked me what's around my neck ...the congregation is pretty conservative since dressing comfy is allowed.  i'm part of the school community being room mom to my UMs' schools ...same thing no one asks nor do i bring it up - it's great being one of the cool moms.



ExSteelAgain -> RE: Are you part of the "community"? (5/19/2007 5:52:03 AM)

Yeah, the whole community thing throws me off because I don’t know exactly what it means in this internet era with fast transportation. When I run across those in the LS,  whether online, locally or whatever I feel a link and will try to be friendly with them..



SlyStone -> RE: Are you part of the "community"? (5/19/2007 5:57:23 AM)

I think of community as either a group of people having a common life experience or a group of people drawn together by a common interest or a common locality.

Take the gay community for example. Most  gay's have a common experience when they come out to their peers or family, how they are perceived by society and religious groups etc. how they relate to the outside world and how it relates to them. This is the base for a strong community. A combination of; we have felt the same pain and us against them.

I don't think that bdsm is a defined common life experience. What is bdsm for you is not even close to what it may be for me and so on and so on. I also don't think it is a particularly relatable  experience but perhaps I am wrong. When you meet another submissive do you feel a certain commonality with her? Do you think that based on being a submissive she has felt and experienced  the same things you have felt and experienced based on yours?

It is interesting that the majority of bdsm'rs don't come out to their friends and family. I think the reason for that is simply that there is no reason to do so. For most people it is not a determining factor in how they live their lives; how they raise their families, how they set their values and how they relate to the outside world and how it relates to them, so there is no need to reveal that part of themselves to others.

I realize that some people are "out" there and I think that is great, live your life as you see fit, I am just saying the majority are not, and I wonder if the societal stigma of bdsm was removed if they would even than come out. Is there a strong  urge to reveal that part of ourselves to others?  Do people feel lessened by the fact that they are not "out"?

I guess what I am trying to say is that a for a community to hold people together they must share a common life experience, but I am not an expert in communities and have done no scholarly reading on them and so I may be completely wrong. It wouldn't be the first time:)






earthycouple -> RE: Are you part of the "community"? (5/19/2007 5:59:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DocTSH

It seems to me there is no "one size fits all" answer to the OP.  I imagine it is who you are as a person and up to yourself to define if you are a lifestyler and if you are part of the community.  Since there is no "One" community, it needs to be looked at from the persective of comfort levels.  There are some that only are invovled online, some that only go to munches, some who belong to groups, some who belong to private clubs, some that their careers revolve around it, and some that combine parts or all of the before mentioned.  I'm sure there is a measurement of how extraverted or intraverted a person is.  I consider myself a part of the "Community" in as I have similar likes and desires, however it is not my base as a person.


If anything here had a one size fits all answer, why bother asking the question? Yes?



gypsygrl -> RE: Are you part of the "community"? (5/19/2007 7:04:42 AM)

I didn't mean to imply that all bdsm people can be considered to be part of a unified community.  I pretty much agree with your analysis, there.  I think the fact that so many remain closeted means that they value their participation in other communities more than any sense of community they might derive from their engaging in bdsm activities. 

I was limiting my thoughts to the idea of an "on-line" community.  Its a thin variant of community, to be sure, and the only bond is that people keep coming back to see what the last person said.  So long as people do, in fact, keep coming back and keep posting seems enough to hold it together.  Its the "common life experience."  (ie: I'm a freak who spends an inordinate amount of time on a message board....Oh, you are too???  How cool!)  Of course, I wouldn't expect anyone here to help me out with a barn raising or anything but I'm sure I could find someone to sell me some florida swampland. lol





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