Want to develop my Domme side, but how?

Want to develop my Domme side, but how? (Full Version)

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clem831 -> Want to develop my Domme side, but how? (5/18/2007 7:36:05 PM)
I've always been a sub, ever since I was a teenager I took the role of sub. But recently a male sub contacted me and we were talking, just as friends, and he mentioned that I may have a very strong Domme side. I thought about it for a while and decided that he may be right. I can be bossy, picky and controlling. I always supressed those feelings as a sub, but I'm thinking that now it's time to find out if my Domme feelings are stronger than my sub feelings. So how do I go about learning how to be a good Domme? How do I find out what I like and don't like and whatnot? Seeing as I've always been a sub and have had no Domme experiences, all of it is new to me. Any advice is very welcome.

Kitte9 -> RE: Want to develop my Domme side, but how? (5/18/2007 7:40:05 PM)
I would suggest you attend some munches and speak to other Dommes about their styles and see if anything rings true with you. Then perhaps attend a play party and observe others if there are no objections. See if there is something that draws you out or compells you to try it. We learn as we grow. Sorry, bad pun!

LightHeartedMaam -> RE: Want to develop my Domme side, but how? (5/18/2007 7:49:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: clem831 I've always been a sub, ever since I was a teenager I took the role of sub. But recently a male sub contacted me and we were talking, just as friends, and he mentioned that I may have a very strong Domme side. I thought about it for a while and decided that he may be right. I can be bossy, picky and controlling. I always supressed those feelings as a sub, but I'm thinking that now it's time to find out if my Domme feelings are stronger than my sub feelings. So how do I go about learning how to be a good Domme? How do I find out what I like and don't like and whatnot? Seeing as I've always been a sub and have had no Domme experiences, all of it is new to me. Any advice is very welcome. You say: "I can be bossy, picky and controlling.": These are qualities of someone who is domineering, not Domme. A Domme must be strong of character, fair and know what she wants. Two things that might work~ First- think of what qualities in someone that has dominated you were the most effective. or Second- submit to a Domme. You have to be "you" otherwise you will just be a caricature of a Dominant.

MHOO314 -> RE: Want to develop my Domme side, but how? (5/19/2007 4:32:06 AM)
I completely agree with LightHearted Maam--the characteristics you mention are NOT what a Domina should be if She is a good Domina at all---I suggest you start with the book " A Different Loving" as it is written from the Domina side of things--its very good. I agree with LHM, I would not say submit to a Domina, but if you know One, spend some time with One in conversation---see if you can get some training from One as well---good luck in your journey, however to thine own self be true.

Domin8tingUrDrmz -> RE: Want to develop my Domme side, but how? (5/19/2007 4:45:28 AM)
Leadership is a main factor in dominant personalities. Leadership does not equal bossy, or picky. It does equate to insipiration, sharing knowledge, compassion, and making people WANT to follow your lead by being a good example. Demanding the lead is a sure fire way of being rejected and it does not instill the trust that is necessary for wiitwd. You need to know what you want and learn how to inspire others to want it too. Sometimes that means being bossy, sometimes it means gentle coaxing, sometimes it means a swat on the ass, sometimes it means doing nothing but allowing them to come to terms with whatever it is you want, the key is, learning the person and finding what extracts it out of them and remaining in tune with them so they do not lose sight of the big picture. Edited because I cannot type in the wee hours of the morning.

earthycouple -> RE: Want to develop my Domme side, but how? (5/19/2007 4:45:39 AM)
As the above posters state...those "qualities" ahem do not a Dominant make. If you are a sub, then you've had the experinences....just on the bottom. What did you like and not like about being dominated? What things made you think "this person knows his stuff?" What made you wonder "Does this person have a clue?" And just for you...I will post here, my journal entry from 5/16 on what makes "What makes a beautiful lifestyle Dominant?" I was asked this today, by a friend, and I feel compelled to add my two cents to the mix. For this topic: I will use the term "bottom" as a cover all for all types of subs, slaves, bottoms etc. Breaking the question down: Lifestyle....for me this is one who feels the need to have a bottom in her life, either living in, as a primary partner or as frequent guests. She isn't dabbling, have occasional encounters and isn't "pro". She isn't "doing" anybody and everybody that come along; she want substance and connection. Dominant...for me is someone who may or may not engage in any specific types of play. Flogging, spanking and whips do not a dominant make. Dominant means being in control of one's self in order to properly control another. That control can be exhibited in any number of ways...specifics in behavior (using specific words, having specific actions or tasks, so on and so forth), control over various things (masturbation habits, dress, how a drawers are arranged), this can be exhibited in words, looks, and/or actions. A dominant is cool, collected, thoughtful, willing to make a mistake, willing to apologize for said mistake and is willing to learn a thing or two from anyone who offers useful information (even from her bottom). A dominant is able to laugh at herself and is forgiving when a bottom is learning. A dominant is stern when a bottom is pushing buttons. A dominant doesn't stop loving or caring for her bottom because of some random "thing". The love remains even when life isn't perfect. For me, personally...once I love you, then I love you. I've decided you are to be trusted and are a nice conglomeration of the things I feel connect me to you. What breaks that bond? When you harm my family. Take note, I said harm. We all hurt each other, accidentally. Harm is totally different. I will go to the kiln saying "I may hurt you but will never intentionally harm you". Intentional harm is something a dominant should never do. It is something NO ONE should ever do. It is wrong. What is intentional harm? How about when you are angry with each other and instead of mastering the conversation the dominant resorts to disparaging words. That's harmful unless prenegotiated as humiliation play.A dominant wants growth and inspiration from her bottom. She wants to see him thrive and be happy. Her goal is not to ruin him financially, make him feel worthless or useless, or make him fear her in a negative way...all harmful things. A dominant is a real human being and not some trumped up barbie in leather who's only goal in life is to step on everyone she comes by. Beautiful...for me is individualized. I know my friend was by NO means referring to outward appearance. Beauty is a sparkle in an eye, it's a laugh that is infectious, it is jokes that only the two of us understand. Beauty is grace under pressure, a willingness to look silly. She has the ability to put at ease a nervous bottom. She can take the ease away with a glance...and only does so when totally necessary. She helps you become who you are meant to be because she loves you, not because she is completely self serving. She exudes confidence and knows what she wants. She is not afraid to take what she wants. She lives to build the relationship and not break the person. A Beautiful Lifestyle Dominant (nutshelled) edited because I screwed up some spacing

NakedGirlScout -> RE: Want to develop my Domme side, but how? (5/19/2007 4:51:11 AM)
Agreeing with the other posters, I'm not sure you can develop a domme side if you don't naturally have one, and being picky or bossy is a trait that anyone can have least of all real dom/mes. But I have seen submissives switch as S&M tops fairly successfully, since their submissive qualities of empathy and caring work pretty well even while topping. Maybe someone will let you play with them lightly and you can see if you like it, within a scene, which is emotionally less risky than trying to control someone outside of a scene and mucking them (and yourself) up.

PairOfDimes -> RE: Want to develop my Domme side, but how? (5/19/2007 8:30:02 AM)
What is it that attracts you to directing people (being bossy) critiquing their work (being picky) and wielding authority (controlling)? Those are dominant behaviors--although people who like those traits don't generally use "bossy, picky, and controlling" to describe the traits. If you like those behaviors and tendencies in yourself, then you should be able to reflect on them and think about what you like about them. That's how you find out what you like. How do you get better at it? You cultivate those tendencies. Rhetorical manuals are good, because much of dominance is about persuasion. Also material on the "command presence" (often used for police officers and teachers). You likely have some methods for getting your way already--you'll want to think about expanding those tactics and learning more similar ones. Many people like to top as well as dominate. If that's true for you, you will likely want to learn some play skills. Again, think about what it seems fun to do to people--not necessarily what you find fun to bottom to, although that might be useful. Bondage and pain play are pretty widely appreciated. It is worth mentioning that the story you related--submissive-identified guy contacts submissive-identified woman, declares that she is suppressing her dominant tendencies--contains a certain ploy that is easy to use on people-pleasers. It may be true that you do have dominant tendencies--and it may even be true that you want to cultivate them. It's also possible that the man you were speaking with projected his desire to speak with a dominant woman on you and sought to make you act like one.

clem831 -> RE: Want to develop my Domme side, but how? (5/19/2007 9:19:22 AM)
Okay, thank you all for your advice and thank you PairofDimes for understanding what I meant by bossy, picky and controlling. You're the only one, but I appreciate everyone taking the time to reply.

MsCameron -> RE: Want to develop my Domme side, but how? (5/19/2007 10:18:03 AM)
quote: It is worth mentioning that the story you related--submissive-identified guy contacts submissive-identified woman, declares that she is suppressing her dominant tendencies--contains a certain ploy that is easy to use on people-pleasers. It may be true that you do have dominant tendencies--and it may even be true that you want to cultivate them. It's also possible that the man you were speaking with projected his desire to speak with a dominant woman on you and sought to make you act like one. How true and that was going to be my two cents thrown in. There isn't a submissive women that I know who hasn't been contacted by a male sub who tries to "turn" them. Not once or twice but many times. MC

LightHeartedMaam -> RE: Want to develop my Domme side, but how? (5/19/2007 11:29:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MsCameron quote: It is worth mentioning that the story you related--submissive-identified guy contacts submissive-identified woman, declares that she is suppressing her dominant tendencies--contains a certain ploy that is easy to use on people-pleasers. It may be true that you do have dominant tendencies--and it may even be true that you want to cultivate them. It's also possible that the man you were speaking with projected his desire to speak with a dominant woman on you and sought to make you act like one. How true and that was going to be my two cents thrown in. There isn't a submissive women that I know who hasn't been contacted by a male sub who tries to "turn" them. Not once or twice but many times. MC I was thinking the exact same thing. And those male subs that encourage another sub to "try domming" are usually striking out big time because they hadn't found a /Domme that reflect THEIR idea of a Domme. I think she is being led down the garden path. And clem: quote: Okay, thank you all for your advice and thank you PairofDimes for understanding what I meant by bossy, picky and controlling. You're the only one, but I appreciate everyone taking the time to reply. One quality of a good Domme is not to be so "dismissive" with those that don't fit your preconceived assumption of a Domme. Being 'mentally anal' will do nothing but hold you back.

earthycouple -> RE: Want to develop my Domme side, but how? (5/19/2007 11:56:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: clem831 Okay, thank you all for your advice and thank you PairofDimes for understanding what I meant by bossy, picky and controlling. You're the only one, but I appreciate everyone taking the time to reply. unbelieveable

KaramelGoddess -> RE: Want to develop my Domme side, but how? (5/19/2007 6:11:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: clem831 Okay, thank you all for your advice and thank you PairofDimes for understanding what I meant by bossy, picky and controlling. You're the only one, but I appreciate everyone taking the time to reply. Take a really good look at the other things PairofDimes mentioned. Then please look up Dominant and domineering in a dictionary. Good luck. ~Kara

mercurialis -> RE: Want to develop my Domme side, but how? (6/7/2007 11:05:05 PM)
I have always found when I dom that if I am working with a sub who is similar to myself, there is a good chance the sub will enjoy the same things I enjoy as a sub. This can give me insight into how to proceed. One of the most intense sessions I have ever done as a sub was with a man who I previously had taken a dom role with, and had often repeated a particular scene with him. Well, he wanted to try domming me, and informed me dryly just as he started to bring me towards a subspace that he was going to give me a little taste of my own medicine...he proceeded to do the exact scene I had always done to him on me, with a few twists of his own. Knowing exactly what would happen just increased the suspense for me, and knowing exactly how I would be feeling during each part allowed him to get the most out of it. So, you might find your experience as a sub gives you a good idea of what you would be good at and enjoy as a domme.

LadyHeart -> RE: Want to develop my Domme side, but how? (6/8/2007 2:20:25 AM)
quote: There isn't a submissive women that I know who hasn't been contacted by a male sub who tries to "turn" them. Not once or twice but many times. MC Just as there isn't a lesbian alive who hasn't been contacted by some male who tries to "turn" them. ROFLMAO :)) LH

undergroundsea -> RE: Want to develop my Domme side, but how? (6/8/2007 4:44:49 AM)
I think co-topping or assisting, or simply being present in a scene may also give a taste. I think a lot of people in BDSM have potential to be drawn to either role, and which role calls to them is a function of what feelings the other person inspires. Cheers, Sea

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