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dazed and confused - 5/19/2007 8:02:07 PM   
byrdygirl


Posts: 9
Joined: 2/17/2007
Status: offline 		i am new to the lifestyle...have a Dom that is away ALOT. He has set some rules, but is never around to enforce. He says He will teach and train me, but if i slip, there is no follow through. any advice on the best course of action for a new sub/slave? i don't feel as though i am growing.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: dazed and confused - 5/19/2007 8:15:54 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Only you can decide whether a relationship is worthwhile or one in which you can grow. I can only relate my experiences and opinions.

I am in a long distance relationship, we spend a few days a month together (more if we are lucky). We at least talk once a day on the phone, sometimes several times a day. Sometimes it is hard, and he has me do certain things that I do not necessarily feel like doing.. one thing in particular in fact. He is in no position it "enforce" these things. He counts on my honesty to carry them through. My integrity keeps me either doing the things he wants, or telling him that I failed to do the things that he wants. The only enforcement necessary is his disappointment when I have failed (at times with good reason in my mind) to follow through. Now I detest disappointing him, so I work very hard not to. That is the biggest way to enforce his will upon me.

I know that if he felt he had to enforce his wishes there would be no relationship with us. Your relationship maybe completely different. I strive not to need correcting, I strive not to need enforcement, and I knew this is what he expected of me before I became his...

Like I said, every relationship is different

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 5/19/2007 8:16:43 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to byrdygirl)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: dazed and confused - 5/19/2007 8:23:55 PM   
minnetar


Posts: 1272
Joined: 4/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Only you can decide whether a relationship is worthwhile or one in which you can grow. I can only relate my experiences and opinions.

I am in a long distance relationship, we spend a few days a month together (more if we are lucky). We at least talk once a day on the phone, sometimes several times a day. Sometimes it is hard, and he has me do certain things that I do not necessarily feel like doing.. one thing in particular in fact. He is in no position it "enforce" these things. He counts on my honesty to carry them through. My integrity keeps me either doing the things he wants, or telling him that I failed to do the things that he wants. The only enforcement necessary is his disappointment when I have failed (at times with good reason in my mind) to follow through. Now I detest disappointing him, so I work very hard not to. That is the biggest way to enforce his will upon me.

I know that if he felt he had to enforce his wishes there would be no relationship with us. Your relationship maybe completely different. I strive not to need correcting, I strive not to need enforcement, and I knew this is what he expected of me before I became his...

Like I said, every relationship is different


julia i have to say that was beautifully stated.  The Master has given you instructions.  If you choose not to follow them, then you need to tell Him and let Him deal with that.  He might be long distance but there will be consequences.

minnetar

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: dazed and confused - 5/19/2007 8:32:14 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		As a new sub, if you are not feeling as if you are getting the control you need, you might want to ask your Master if he can step it up. AS a newcomer sometimes you need more attention and if your Master is unable to give that, you two might not be as workable. If you are questioning things, that should be a flag right there. No one can tell you what to do, obviously, but whe you have to come to a forum to ask whether or not theres a chance for a relationship, chances are there are already doubts going on that you have to get around.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to minnetar)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: dazed and confused - 5/19/2007 8:45:08 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Hello,

I would suggest opening and honestly speaking to your Dom and telling him how you feel.  Think about it beforehand and think of what his responses might be so that you are prepared for the conversation.  Talk when you are calm and not too needy for anything and when he seems to be in a good frame of mind for the conversation that he might not know is coming.  Be prepared to give him time to respond.  After all, you have had time to think about this and you are just presenting it to him.

It almost sounds as if you both are maybe frustrated with the situation... per his statement that if you slip, there is no follow through.  Of course that could mean a few things, I don't know.  There are ways to handle things whatever the situation might be.  It was said before me, that basiclly you are on an honor system because it is up to you to be open and honest on whether you slip or not and it was  mentioned that if you really basiclly strive to be good and you aren't, you will have an emotional response and not feel right about it.  These things are formost in my mind.  If you cannot have honor between two... maybe there shouldn't be a two.

A lot of relationships are long distance and not in-person, so I am sure that you can get a lot of responses and suggestions.  There are ways of correction/punishment/guidence/whatever, even from a distance.

It takes a lot from both to make things work and it is a lot of work to do it in a way, where everyone is growing or being pleased in the relationship.  I have heard some say that there is no real work to it... that some do certain things because they are lazy or not committed; but a D/s lifestyle IS WORK... Anyone who doesn't have the determination to devote themselves to an agreed relationship and make sure they are doing their part, is cheating both.  Neither will grow or be pleased.

I do hope that you both can work this out!  It would be nice to hear that someone new to the lifestyle has had great experiences!  You can hear some real horror stories out there... but for the most part, I have noticed a lot of great people that are true to the lifestyle as they see it here and I think you will find that you are able to learn and grow from watching these boards! 

May life be kind to you!
Lockit

(in reply to minnetar)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: dazed and confused - 5/20/2007 12:17:41 AM   
RPdom


Posts: 9
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline
As others have said only you can decide if a relationship is working for you or not. You didn’t state why your Dom isn’t around much. It is my opinion that a dom needs to be actively working with his sub or subs consistently. When I make rules, it is very important to make sure they are followed and if not deal with the lack of obedience very quickly. Lack of consistency and accountability sends the wrong message to a sub in my opinion.

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: dazed and confused - 5/20/2007 4:19:20 AM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: byrdygirl

i am new to the lifestyle...have a Dom that is away ALOT. He has set some rules, but is never around to enforce. He says He will teach and train me, but if i slip, there is no follow through. any advice on the best course of action for a new sub/slave? i don't feel as though i am growing.


Talk is cheap.  What about the action when he is around?  What are you learning then?  What I have found with Traveling Dominants is the little time you do get to spend with them it's all sexual and little serve.  It has left me frustrated, my needs unmet.  Ask yourself if this relationship is worth the investment you are putting into it.   

edited to add........... when he is gone does he keep the bond fresh with frequent phone calls to keep you in line?


< Message edited by Quivver -- 5/20/2007 4:25:25 AM >

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to byrdygirl)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: dazed and confused - 5/20/2007 4:31:53 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		There is no D/s dynamic when one or the other (D or s) is simply not there.  It's still early for this thread but someone's bound to come along and tell you that a "true" submissive would follow through anyway.  And that's a load of garden fertiliser!  Fact is, if it's really only the submissive going through the paces, what you have instead of a D/s relationship is just a submissive solo act.  Obeying the rules is an act of submission and enforcing the rules is literally an act of domination - you do need both for it to work smoothly.
 
Which is where you came in....  Best advice is to get yourself a "real" Dom = living, breathing and *available*!  If your current dom is hardly ever there, then that's where hard choices need to be made.
 
Focus.

(in reply to byrdygirl)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: dazed and confused - 5/20/2007 5:25:38 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		While I wont take Focus50's opinion of finding yourself a "real Dom", I will say that unfortanely, time is an issue that has to be considered in any relationship.

This is particularly why I am opting to remain single at this point in my life, because of all the things I have going on and lack of resources, I cant invest what I should into a relationship that I would very much like to have someone who is a little too far away for what I am capable of.

Lack of prescense, personally, I dont think is a valid excuse for disobedience. However, there is things that have to considered.

I was, once, trying to create a new habit and behavior with someone. Unfortanely, I was working 2 jobs at the time and wasnt able to keep in touch with the person on an even close to regular basis. Anytime your trying to teach someone a new habit, it requires discipline, constinency, and enforcement. If I really want someone to change their behavior for me, then I beleive its my resposibility to provide that. If I am unable to, then I cant really fault the other person for my shortcomings. In the end, I talked with her about it, explained how this was outside of what I was capable of at the time, and decided it was best to keep things the way they were until a future point.

I dont subscribe to the philosophy of "Say how things are going to be and then its all on the slave to make sure its done that way.", but at the same time, all us "real Doms" are still just human beings. Human beings with jobs and responsibilities that take up our time. If the relationship is really valuable to you, then you'll have to accept what the reality is and deal with until things are better in the future.

< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 5/20/2007 5:27:21 AM >

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to byrdygirl)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: dazed and confused - 5/20/2007 6:18:08 AM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		You know Rabbit, you are one of those I fully respect on here.  Your words have always held wisdom beyond your age.  Again I have to agree with what your say here, yet Focus has some very valid points also. 

My questions lie in what the OP has not said and I admit to reading between the lines in her statement.  First off she says she is new to this.  That her Dominant travels alot and she is not growing because of lack of time.  As you said, presence is an important factor in learning another.  Yet that presence does not always have to be physical.  I wonder if this Dominant keeps in touch with a daily phone call to touch base, inquire how she is, and how things are going?  A lack of contact even by phone would lead me to believe that Focus is more on target here.  Then again the OP has not mentioned what area she wanted to Grow in.  I am assuming she wants to grow her knowledge of him, his likes and dislikes not all sexual. 

You say that "real Doms" are still just human beings. Human beings with jobs and responsibilities that take up our time. If the relationship is really valuable to you, then you'll have to accept what the reality is and deal with until things are better in the future.  And I couldnt agree more, but after reading this post it sparked me to write my own in the General Area today.  Somehow I believe the two have alot in common. 

< Message edited by Quivver -- 5/20/2007 6:19:00 AM >

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: dazed and confused - 5/20/2007 6:30:49 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: byrdygirl

i am new to the lifestyle...have a Dom that is away ALOT. He has set some rules, but is never around to enforce. He says He will teach and train me, but if i slip, there is no follow through. any advice on the best course of action for a new sub/slave? i don't feel as though i am growing.


When you say *follow through*....

Do you mean that there is little contact and therefore he's simply not there to notice or hear whether you slip or stick to the rules?

Or do you mean that he shows little or no interest in whether you do or not?

Or do you mean that he's aware of your *slips* and does nothing about them?

Rules don't make a D/s relationship. If he's not interested in his own rules, then neither would I be.
It depends very much on what type of relationship you have, but even in my long term one, being given an instruction has a purpose, and it matters to him not just that it's carried out, but how I fared along the way. It's feedback, interest and mutual connection.......being *in it* together and knowing why.

agirl










(in reply to byrdygirl)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: dazed and confused - 5/20/2007 10:38:15 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		While I agree with Focus, since you probably want to hang onto this commitment at least until convinced otherwise, talk to him directly and clarify expectations "How often can I generally expect phone calls from you?"  "What sorts of consequences will there be?"  "How will you enforce things?"  "What goals for behavior change do you want?"  "Ultimately, how do you see this relationship going in what sort of time frame?"

You don't need all these answers written in stone today, but you should make sure you are on the same page and can know what to hold eachother accountable for.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: dazed and confused - 5/20/2007 2:46:39 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

While I wont take Focus50's opinion of finding yourself a "real Dom", I will say that unfortanely, time is an issue that has to be considered in any relationship.

Just to clarify, this is NOT one of those "twue dom" or natural dom" comments.  I meant a real and tangible virtually *anything*, rather than an occasional email or phone call or whatever little contact the OP was getting. 
 
Real = living, breathing and *available* = something you can actually touch, for eg - anything!
 
Focus.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: dazed and confused - 5/20/2007 3:16:36 PM   
byrdygirl


Posts: 9
Joined: 2/17/2007
Status: offline 		thank you everyone for the comments and advice. i should have been a little more clear. He travels alot, generally calls every day or two. i see Him *maybe* an hour or two every couple of weeks, usually just sexual. He does not generally ask about my 'tasks' , and when He does, i ALWAYS answer truthfully. i DO want to be a good girl. i am , really. it's just that when i may not have followed through religiously, He doesn't really say anything, doesn't reprimand...nothing mostly. i like to think it's because He feels guilty being away so much. Being new, i feel like i need better guidance, so i don't learn bad habits right out of the gate...i'm afraid that if i tell Him i need more, He will ask me again if i want Him to find me another Dominant. He did this after the first time i was noticeably disappointed. i know i DO need more contact, more than just sex. true D/s...

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: dazed and confused - 5/20/2007 4:34:49 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

While I wont take Focus50's opinion of finding yourself a "real Dom", I will say that unfortanely, time is an issue that has to be considered in any relationship.

Just to clarify, this is NOT one of those "twue dom" or natural dom" comments.  I meant a real and tangible virtually *anything*, rather than an occasional email or phone call or whatever little contact the OP was getting. 
 
Real = living, breathing and *available* = something you can actually touch, for eg - anything!
 
Focus.


I know you werent. The point of my post was rather than jump the gun on dumping him, you have to kind of take an objective look at things. If lack of time is from his laziness, thats one thing, but the realities of overtime and life responsibilities affect us all.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: dazed and confused - 5/20/2007 5:47:15 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		It does sound like he's getting what he wants from you and as long as that stays in place, there's no reason for him to change anything.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: dazed and confused - 5/20/2007 8:14:09 PM   
Kinkypupper


Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline 		Because your in a long distance relationship you will never "Grow" as a submissive/potential slave. You need the personal on hand type of control, internet relationships like this do not work out  if they do its VERY rare.

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to byrdygirl)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: dazed and confused - 5/20/2007 9:50:21 PM   
aldompdx


Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline 		One is personally responsible for choosing their path which is appropriate to their desired process of growth. You must choose wisely.

Growth happens within, and pertains to yourself. The amount of time or proximity another dedicates to you is irrelevant. The lessons which another shows you are relevant. Take personal responsibility for finding an appropriate source of the life lessons you seek. Many people who fail to do that consciously, develop subconscious reactions that can have a negative manifestation, such as self abuse, sabotage, brattieness, vandalism, etc. Do not deny your self esteem.

(in reply to Kinkypupper)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: dazed and confused - 5/21/2007 5:08:21 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

While I wont take Focus50's opinion of finding yourself a "real Dom", I will say that unfortanely, time is an issue that has to be considered in any relationship.

Just to clarify, this is NOT one of those "twue dom" or natural dom" comments.  I meant a real and tangible virtually *anything*, rather than an occasional email or phone call or whatever little contact the OP was getting. 
 
Real = living, breathing and *available* = something you can actually touch, for eg - anything!
 
Focus.


I know you werent. The point of my post was rather than jump the gun on dumping him, you have to kind of take an objective look at things. If lack of time is from his laziness, thats one thing, but the realities of overtime and life responsibilities affect us all.

Well I didn't actually say to dump him; only that choices may hafta be made.  Starting to get dizzy here.... lol
 
Focus.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: dazed and confused - 5/21/2007 5:20:59 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: byrdygirl

thank you everyone for the comments and advice. i should have been a little more clear. He travels alot, generally calls every day or two. i see Him *maybe* an hour or two every couple of weeks, usually just sexual. He does not generally ask about my 'tasks' , and when He does, i ALWAYS answer truthfully. i DO want to be a good girl. i am , really. it's just that when i may not have followed through religiously, He doesn't really say anything, doesn't reprimand...nothing mostly. i like to think it's because He feels guilty being away so much. Being new, i feel like i need better guidance, so i don't learn bad habits right out of the gate...i'm afraid that if i tell Him i need more, He will ask me again if i want Him to find me another Dominant. He did this after the first time i was noticeably disappointed. i know i DO need more contact, more than just sex. true D/s...

Uh-ohhh.... 
 
And suddenly you sound like his little "piece on the side".  The big advantage of having a newbie submissive for a convenient "fuck-buddy" is that it's much easier to fuck with their minds as well as body.  Instead of a real D/s dynamic, he's got sex with someone who's "afraid" to say No - because D/s good girls don't do that.
 
So try this...  Instead of being the inexperienced newbie fem/sub who doesn't know what to make of this dom's behaviour, revert back to being the presumably experienced and mature 38yo vanilla you previously were and ask "her" what she would make of a man who shows up for sex an average of an hour a week then hasta go....  Because, based on this update, there ain't no D/s going on beyond you servicing him sexually.
 
Focus.

(in reply to byrdygirl)
Profile   Post #: 20
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