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ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Quivver I have become jaded, although I'm not yet bitter.
I am frustrated because I have hopes for a future, which include partnership and I can't find the right person.  I solved this dilemma by making my life so busy that I rarely have time for myself.  This has helped me not to whine and obsess about not finding someone.  One the rare occasions when I thought I found a match, it never worked out.  I don't know if I'm picking the wrong person, or people are insincere, or if I'm really just not quite good enough (But I am right?  But they always seem to think I'm good enough to hang on to in some form - like friends with benefits, but not relationship-quality good enough).  For these reasons I'm no longer looking.  If something great falls into my lap....wonderful.  I'm not holding my breath and I just bought new batteries for my vibrator.   

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ORIGINAL: DrkJourney

except for the vibrator thing....I broke mine...(waaaaaahhhhh)

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ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

this slave believes it is naive to think that everyone has the same reality that we all must face in our own special ways other than the obvious one we all share:  Death.
 
even the reality of death is believed to have some aspects to it that are hotly debated...like how or if we get to consciously move on to something else, what or even if there are things we do here that are known, or have influence in that way.  one could make an argument that naiveté is a pretty common human trait.
 
the BL is :  there are no guarantees.  this slave has splayed herself open and served every relationship she has ever had with fierce devotion and loyalty.  the ones where this slave was being treated like crap ended, and ones where this slave's service wasn't appreciated or needed or positive, moved on and divorced themselves from this slave, legally, emotionally and physically.  the one where this slave was in danger of losing her need to breathe oxygen because she would no longer have a throat was given three days to remove whatever he wanted from this slave's home.
 
one of the main reasons this slave refers to her relationship with Master as blessed is because this slave did not go in search of a Master/slave labeled relationship.  this slave mis-identified herself as a a submissive, and if she would have insisted on all of the protocols that get bandied about here with regards to what differentiates a submissive from a "no-limits slave", or as some refer to it "doormat", mentally ill from doing the same thing over and over again and expecting it to be different...she wouldn't have the relationship she has with Master now.
 
just a few thoughts!
 
warmly,
beth

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ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

A post that makes us all think, Quiver.

Expectations of a woman who finds her way into a D/s connection confuse her into thinking more is going to be there than is present in her regular life. I’ve seen very ordinary women post here that they were overwhelmed with all the attention when they came on CM and entered the lifestyle in other ways. Throw in their first BDSM play where they possibly space for the first time and they are in a vulnerable stage where expectations are unlimited.

The problem is that these same women are around a year or so later still looking for that Dom who cares about them. Nothing changes by joining the group. You gain experience in BDSM by looking for something else is about all you can say.

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ORIGINAL: earthycouple

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ORIGINAL: DrkJourney

except for the vibrator thing....I broke mine...(waaaaaahhhhh)

I'll start a fund for you...since I can't live without mine...now if everyone who reads this...sends one penny to Drk...she can be vibing again in no time...*S*

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ORIGINAL: vegasvixen

This is indeed a thought provoking post as are the responses. I have had my own encounters with predatory behaviour as I think we all have, so let's set that aside as a given....there are assholes out there, but there are also genuine people that get labelled as assholes when a "relationship" fails because they did not live up to our expectations. It's just not as black and white as we might want it to be. It is not always a matter of being naive or wearing blinders during the initial stages, although that can be a big part of it, it is also a suble failure of language as a tool. Yes, communication is key and I am not trying to minimize the value of talking openly, but one aspect of communication that a lot of people miss is that words are relative. What you mean by your use of a certain word or phrase is often dependant upon your experience, your background, your "dialect." Yes, there are those that deliberately miscommunicate in order to use or take advantage of others. But there are also those that are being honest, it's just that the words they use may have a slightly different meaning to the listener. Differences can be subtle. And the aggregate of these subtle differences can make for major communication failures. Good communication can uncover these differences over time, sometimes they can be reconciled. But the simple fact is that as human beings we are all a lot more complex than we want to believe and relationships increase that complexity exponentially. Language as an imperfect tool cannot always cut through that complexity quickly. Standing up for yourself may not be so un-subly if you think of it more as an exercise in better defining your communications and an attempt to refine your meaning. And don't forget that compromise is always a big part of a good relationship whether it is vanilla or d/s. Denying your dom the opportunity to clearly understand you and/or to compromise is topping from the bottom, imho.

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ORIGINAL: bandit25

I think that's part of the problem, Quivver.  Who is to say what is unsublike?  Because you want to have your own needs met while serving someone else...is THAT unsublike?  Who the hell says so?  Some Dom who only cares about himself.  I think those relationships that work are the ones that know that ANY relationship is a two way street.  I think that is the first "rule" that a sub has to get into her head.  I think the reason it is so hard is that is seems contradictory in a D/s relationship.  But, for me, it's not at all.  If my needs aren't being met, then I can't meet another's needs. 

It is hard not to lose one's head at times.  But rather than beat yourself up over it, learn and move on.  Communication is the key in ANY relationship.  If you can't or won't express your thoughts, feelings, whatever, then the relationship is doomed as far as I am concerned.  At that point, to me, might just as well walk away.

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ORIGINAL: agirl

This is easy to type and say, but getting to know someone as a person with no agenda in mind makes everything a lot clearer; not thinking in terms of *potential* anything except *potential nice, interesting person to have contact with, in my life*, is far easier said than done.

If you're on a mission to *find a dom* then expectations and agendas are in place, already.

If you're in the *getting to know you* phase, shouldn't it just BE that?. In getting to know someone as a person, the way their dominance is evident will show, without it being applicable to you, without it being directed AT you, without it being viewed from the angle of * If they owned me*.

The problem with having an *ache* and *searching*, IS that you have an *ache* and you're longing to pin it somewhere, to have a home for it, you're hoping and wishing........you have an agenda.

agirl

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ORIGINAL: Quivver

Few on our boards when compared to the general kinky crowd have the kind of relationship that many strive for.

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ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

The one part of your post that I have to question is this.  The general kinky crowd???  In my experience, they have crappy relationships too.

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ORIGINAL: SirDominic

If I have a question in all of this it would have to be, how is a Submissive who aches to serve keep their head about them and not be unsub like, even if that unsub like is only in their heads.


One of the best pieces of advice I can offer is to Know Thyself; which goes for any form of relationship and life in general. The more you understand yourself, what your wants really are, what your needs really are. Really getting to know who you are will enable you to make a much more clear picture of what kind of person will best suit you.

Secondly, don't rush into anything. When you meet someone, and it really seems to click, too many blindly accept the person on a superficial level, focusing rather on the excitement of the moment. Take some time to know each other. See that words and actions align. While I think MadRabbit's idea of keeping it vanilla for a few months is extreme, he does have the right idea.

Thirdly, communication is important; several have said that. More importantly though is how you communicate. How comfortable are you and your partner saying the hard things to each other? The fun, easy stuff doesn't tell you anything. I had to teach my slave that she could truly tell me anything and trust that I would not have a negative reaction to it. This was so hard for her, and would be hard for many slaves as they so want approval from their Master, and so fear disappointing him. Honesty is crucial to a successful relationship, in this world or the vanilla one. You can't be honest only when it is easy, you have to be able to be honest when it is hard, and know you won't be belittled for it, or attacked because of it.

There are a lot of very slick people out there of both sexes, and there can be no guarantee that despite your best efforts you won't be bamboozled. With the suggestions I outlined above, you have a much better chance of seeing through the crap.

Namaste, Sir Dominic