A question from a total newb. (Full Version)

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Drockan -> A question from a total newb. (5/21/2007 3:08:44 AM)

I've been seeking a master/slave type relationship for about four years now, on and off, and one thing stands out clearly to me.

Everyone seems to be looking for someone older and more experienced.

I understand completely that a young sub would of course be looking for someone that knows the ropes, as it were, to guide them, and there's always the attraction that so many people feel (yet which I don't share) towards older... 'partners.'

The question is, how's a young dom supposed to get anywhere?  Am I actually going to have to wait another 13 years (35 seems to be the minimum age requirement for a dom, from the responses I regularly recieve) before I can have a chance at pursuing my dreams?



MsSonnetMarwood -> RE: A question from a total newb. (5/21/2007 4:04:10 AM)

My advice?   If you're inexperienced, your first stop should not in any way shape or form be an M/s level relationship.  It's kind of like talking about getting married on a first date.

Relax, get involved in your local scene, meet all kinds of people.  Play casually, get a little experience.  Have fun with it.  Seek to make friends in the lifestyle rather than find "the one" just yet. 



HeavansKeeper -> RE: A question from a total newb. (5/21/2007 4:17:36 AM)

I'm young, I'm 21.  Your 35-13=22.  Act the age by which you wish to be perceived.  I certainly don't support you lying about your age, but you may want to consider not making it a point of conversation is the first few minutes.  I met My Pet online, she had no clue about my age until I told her.  I understand, better than most, how your number of years does not do your maturity any justice.  It's tough.
 
Some practical advice, reconsider such signature lines as "Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites.
Moderation is for monks." And having an out of date (albeit heavily underrated) gaming console as your avatar make you appear... Childish? 
 
Are you sure you want to get into a D/s lifestyle at all?  Consider that there is more trust in these relationships compared to a vanilla deal.  A sub puts his/her life in the hands of their Dom/me. 
 
You have a lot to read up on, I suggest:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM
 
Just to give you a place to start sniffing.
 
Consider being a sub to a more.. softcore Mistress?  Perhaps a Mommy Domme =)  A nice lady that will teach you the essence of the lifestyle and discipline your immature urges.  Once you have the self control to be some one's pet, you MIGHT have the self control to dominate your own.  If BDSM suits you as a kinky sex thing, there's no shame in that.  It's fun stuff... But if that's the case, you don't want a sub, you want a girlfriend with a wild side.  Search your soul and ask yourself if you're ready to enter this world.



subsfaith -> RE: A question from a total newb. (5/21/2007 4:53:50 AM)

quote:


I've been seeking a master/slave type relationship for about four years now, on and off

Maybe it is the lack of commitment shown in your first line that puts people off, regardless of age?

quote:


Everyone seems to be looking for someone older and more experienced.

Maybe you should speak to EVERYONE before you speak for everyone.

quote:


I understand completely that a young sub would of course be looking for someone that knows the ropes

Another sweeping statement that assumes more than it is correct.

quote:


The question is, how's a young dom supposed to get anywhere?

By being dom.... which ties in nicely with...

quote:


Am I actually going to have to wait another 13 years before I can have a chance at pursuing my dreams?

Start by asking yourself, is this a dream, or is this how I want to live my life? 

Finally, think about your responsibility in all this.  Your post comes accross as a young man who is whining about how hard you have it, how it is the fault of all the other subs that, in your opinion, want someone older.  Try not blaming EVERYONE else and look at yourself, work out what do you have to offer, what are your expectations, what are your needs, as opposed to your desires?  Unless you can work all this out all you will attract is someone as lost as yourself.

Good luck with your jourey, wherever it may take you.

Faith
:: smiles ::



DiurnalVampire -> RE: A question from a total newb. (5/21/2007 5:07:40 AM)

AS a young Domme, I knew better than to try and find a sub or slave to call my own before I knew my crop from my floggers. Very infrequently will you find someone in a sub position who is alright training their owner. Why, simple, if they were good with traiing they would likely be the Dom.
Your best bet is to stop looking for a sub until you have something to offer them aside from the fulfillment of your dream. Learn some of the reality behind your fantasy. Find yourself an older Dom or Domme to talk to and learn from. You dont need to sub to someone to be mentored by them, I didnt sub to my mentor but she taught me a lot. I did share her subs, on my first few times playing, becasue she wanted me to experiment, with a guiding hand to learn what I was doing. I learned what I enjoyed, and what I didnt. After having some real experience in scenes under my belt, I was THEN ready to go find myself someone to interact with on a more constant basis.
In order to be a Dom, you must be confident in your abilities to do so. A sub or slave is giving themselves to you, be it for the length of a session or for a lifetime.  Until you are confident youcan handle that responsability, you shouldnt take it on.The learning process is fun,especially with a good teacher.

My 2 cents.
DV

feel free to mail on the other side if you have questions.



OsideGirl -> RE: A question from a total newb. (5/21/2007 8:25:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Drockan


The question is, how's a young dom supposed to get anywhere?  Am I actually going to have to wait another 13 years (35 seems to be the minimum age requirement for a dom, from the responses I regularly recieve) before I can have a chance at pursuing my dreams?


I would suggest getting involved in your local scene. Volunteering as staff for events. And finding yourself a dominant mentor.

It's actually one of things that I feel strongly about. To me being a Master isn't because of ownership. In that case anyone can claim that title. I view Master as in "Master Electrician". Someone that has spent time studying and learning and has earned the title.



Lordskitten -> RE: A question from a total newb. (5/21/2007 8:26:18 AM)

I agree that getting into a RL scene such as munches or play parties is a better bet then searching online.  You need to show people your maturity and its difficult to do online because many people are jaded from bad experiences with younger people, or people their own age.  But those prejudices seem to fade away when they can see your personality in real time, vs text.



toservez -> RE: A question from a total newb. (5/21/2007 8:42:12 AM)

It is tough on people your age and I would not want to give you false words or hope.

The fact is submissive around your age are probably not looking for serious relationships and therefore do gravitate toward people with experience as they are not looking at all things long term. Older women and there is even a huge difference between a 21 year old and a 26 year old are in different life stages and are just looking for a different type of man regardless of experience.

I read your profile and your entire profile comes off as a man in a very transient stage in his life and at your age that is perfectly fine if not the way to be, but this is not a good thing to a woman who is older looking for the one.

Like others have mentioned attend local communities they will give you a chance to get known for who you are and not put quickly into some pre determined category. When it is time or you find the one for you experience will matter little. Those who obsess with experience are already severally limiting their possibilities for a good match. Compatibility with someone is based on so many factors that are either there or not and in looking for a long term relationship why eliminate a person because of one thing that can truly be changed.



MagiksSlave -> RE: A question from a total newb. (5/21/2007 11:05:58 AM)

It also could be that you have "dreamcast" as your avatar here... that doesnt exactly exude meturity!!

sorry couldnt help it

Magik's slave



Drockan -> RE: A question from a total newb. (5/21/2007 12:02:35 PM)

Thanks to everyone for the honest responses.

A couple things than need clarified, however:

I have participated in these types of scenes IRL, but the few people that did it with me were only looking for sex, not a lifestyle.  I'm sure you all know that a relationship based around and consisting primarily of sex is entierly dissatisfying.  Not that it wasn't fun, just that it was... hollow. Empty.

As to the local scene, there doesn't seem to be much activity on this little island I call home.  Probably a lot more than I'm aware of, but I am in frequent contact with a few of the local doms.  They get together only a couple times each year, and so far I've been stuck at work every time.

quote:


quote:


Am I actually going to have to wait another 13 years before I can have a chance at pursuing my dreams?

Start by asking yourself, is this a dream, or is this how I want to live my life? 


This is how I want to live my life.

quote:


quote:


I've been seeking a master/slave type relationship for about four years now, on and off


Maybe it is the lack of commitment shown in your first line that puts people off, regardless of age?


There is no lack of commitment.  The time spent 'off' is the time that's spent in contemplation about the lifestyle.  The times when I step back and take a long, hard look at what I'm doing, and ask myself why.  Is it not acceptable to take some time off to clarify one's focus on a goal?

quote:


quote:


Everyone seems to be looking for someone older and more experienced.

Maybe you should speak to EVERYONE before you speak for everyone.


I merely state the response received from 90% of my initial advances.  This is not opinion, nor is it intended as an all-encompasing statement, and I'm sorry if it came across as such.

As to HeavansKeeper's response...  On all the sites I've tried to date, I have never before had someone tell me that a quote from Robert A. Heinlein seemed childish.



ProlificNeeds -> RE: A question from a total newb. (5/21/2007 2:40:50 PM)

To the OP:

   My first bell went off when I saw "On and Off". A sub/slave does not want to be turned on and off, s/he wants to know you're going to be there, be commited and be -responsible- I can't stress that enough. If perhaps it was merely bad wording, then lets move past that. You are a young Dom, you have lots to learn (this is not meant as an kind of insult) the younger we are the more we need to learn, it's simply how it works. Have you ever considered seeking out older subs/slaves? A wiser and more mature sub is often the best way to help a Dom grow, no matter what the age. Yes yes I know many older male Dom's seem to like to select a younger sub who they can pick apart and enjoy for her innocence. But there's a great deal to be said for enjoying the arts and experiences of a more mature sub as well.
I imagine there must be some more experienced subs out there who would adore helping you grow and expand if you let them. subing isn't just about being stripped down and molded, it's about serving, an experienced sub would be able to serve you very well indeed, and have few of the difficulties and vices of younger subs.

Being mentored might also help a great deal, if you connect with an older more experienced Dom/me this is often a good signal to many subs, and makes you more appealing as a candidate because you show a clear sense of maturity in realizing your need to learn from your elders.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: A question from a total newb. (5/21/2007 2:44:36 PM)

The issue is, are you gonna be annoyed and pouty about the reality of life, or are you going to work with it and try and make the best outcome possible while maybe even making it al ittle better for the next guy like you who comes along?



MsParados -> RE: A question from a total newb. (5/21/2007 6:54:53 PM)

it's your hard limits thats doing it. Come on who hates vampirism that much?? whats a little blood between friends.



AquaticSub -> RE: A question from a total newb. (5/21/2007 7:18:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Drockan

The question is, how's a young dom supposed to get anywhere?  Am I actually going to have to wait another 13 years (35 seems to be the minimum age requirement for a dom, from the responses I regularly recieve) before I can have a chance at pursuing my dreams?


That's going to be the advice you get from a lot of people. Now, if you want the advice of a 22 year old owned by a man about to turn 23, I'd advise you to be patient but don't close yourself off. I came into my current relationship with more "skill" and knowledge about BDSM. You just may find a sub who has the experience and the willingness to show you what they have learned.

And if not - get your butt out there, go to muches, get yourself invited to munches and learn everything you can. Plus that will help you meet subs. [:)]



MagiksSlave -> RE: A question from a total newb. (5/21/2007 7:27:08 PM)

hmmm he took down his avatar :(

Magik's loopy slave



dawntreader -> RE: A question from a total newb. (5/21/2007 8:20:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Drockan

The question is, how's a young dom supposed to get anywhere? 


Greetings Drockan,
 
If you are truly looking for an answer to this question, my advice to you would be to hang around these forums and participate. Notice the Dominants (male and female) that make posts that resonate with you, cmail them, develope friendships. Listen to what submissives have to say about themselves and learn from this. It is a perfect opportunity to get much needed insight to the "other half of the dynamic". And most important - never think you know it all...none of us ever will~
 
i have met the most wonderful people here on both sides of the kneel and i cannot begin to tell you how valuable they have become to my own growth. Give it a shot - what have you got to lose? Certainly not a submissive~
 
pax et lumina
       p



Indemnis -> RE: A question from a total newb. (5/21/2007 9:34:00 PM)

Too lazy to read through all responses and actually check to see if it's been said, but... did you think it might be your location putting people off, rather than your age? 



BlindUnknown -> RE: A question from a total newb. (5/21/2007 10:48:56 PM)

<OP>

i'll try not to hold Hilo against you because i have hates there =P  i agree that being in Hawaii may be hurting you, just as Maine hurts me.

i'll also defend your "off and on" thing, i believe you mean "actively seeking", like, spending two months browsing profiles here, going to scenes, trying to meet people, and then getting frustrated and taking a break, right?

onto your problem.

i believe your TRUE question should be the same as mine:

WHERE ARE ALL THE NERD GIRLS?!?!

^_^

You will likely run into three kinds of people in our age group (the 18-25s) when you look for a relationship.

1) Those who want to be trained, hence your original question, you need someone with experience.
2) Those who want a straight D/s relationship, and if you're going to do that, again, i would take experience over all else.
3) People like me who are trying to treat things as an emotional relationship first, that romance must come before D/s, or at least hand in hand.

You are seeking the third group.  Thus, worry about the third group.  Because this is the group you will actually find subs in who may want to be with you.  If you think that's a hassle, then these people will clearly not hook up with you, because you see their need for connection as tedious (if that is the case, i'm just saying as an example)

This sounds very cold, and i sympathize with your plight.  Try being an infernalist and only 21, yeesh, nightmares =\  but if all you want is to just have a D/s relationship, we need to honestly analyze you as you look from the outside observer.

You may get lucky and find the sub who enjoys training their master, but those also tend to fall into category 3 (from the people i have met).

Good luck to you, ja-ne



JpnsTigerrrlily -> RE: A question from a total newb. (5/21/2007 11:36:27 PM)

So I came into the scene in my early 20s. I'm 30 now. I've just recently found someone that I think is a pretty good match for me. I've also made some wonderful friends, taken a lot of classes, read a lot of books, attended national conferences, volunteered quite a bit and so on and so forth. I would recommend that since you've stated there isn't much of a scene where you are to focus on gaining as much information as you can from books and forums such as this. There is a wealth of knowledge out there. It is also helpful to stop making the entire focus on finding THE ONE. The more connections you make, the more you better yourself, the more you increase your chances. Lastly, you may want to re-think your profile. You state you want slaves, yet you lack anything of substance in your profile. Not to say a good profile will get your a slave, but who wants to place their life in the hands of a stranger? At least something that says something about you, about your knowledge, your convictions. Instead it reads in the most general terms.

Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty... I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led diffcult lives and led them well." -  --  Theodore Roosevelt



HeavansKeeper -> RE: A question from a total newb. (5/22/2007 1:26:16 AM)

quote:

As to HeavansKeeper's response...  On all the sites I've tried to date, I have never before had someone tell me that a quote from Robert A. Heinlein seemed childish.


Inspiring a complete lack of moderation in life is childish.  It doesn't matter if you, Robert Heinlein, Adolf Hitler, or Jackie Gleason said it.  As the mind matures, a sense of moderation and self control evolves naturally.



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