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Letting him know you are interested - 5/15/2005 5:46:22 AM   
tanna


Posts: 51
Joined: 6/29/2004
Status: offline 		The ongoing war of the battle of the sexes mixed with the uncertainty of how one should proceed with the opposite sex often leaves me confused.

I have heard the horror stories of psycho subs who pursue the Dominant of their dreams relentlessly like a hound on a hot trail. This is not me.

Having been raised to believe that a lady will behave like one, and not go chasing after a man, I am hesitant to be the one to take agressive measures to let a man know I'm intersted. I am a flirt, and believe that flirting is becoming a lost art among both sexes. Flirting is the best way I know of to let a man know I'm interested without actually having to come right out and say that I'm interested.

So, do men pick up on this?? Or do I need to learn to be more out in the open about my interest in a man?

It certainly seems that some men need to be whacked upside the head to get them to realize that there is genuine interest on my part in pursuing a relationship. However, I don't want to come across as one of those psycho subs. I've done plenty of dating, and 99% of that is because the man contacted me first. Which is how I prefer it to be done.. If he is interested he should be the one to ask.. Right?

Gentlemen, any helpful hints you can provide will be greatly appreciated.

tanna
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Letting him know you are interested - 5/15/2005 6:05:58 AM   
GreyStorm


Posts: 423
Joined: 1/26/2005
From: Cheeseheadland
Status: offline 		I flirt too. But I flirt in good fun. I flirt ALWAYS. It's part of my sense of humor and personality. I assume women who flirt back with me are just playing off my lead. I don't assume she is interested in more, so I sometimes need to be whacked upside the head to realize she may want more from me. Where is the harm in asking, "Wanna get a drink sometime?"

_____________________________

Ahhh temptation, I have named thee and thy name is woman.

(in reply to tanna)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Letting him know you are interested - 5/15/2005 6:08:06 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Well, things are somewhat different depending on whether you are interested in someone here, or in person. Here, you may have to take a first step. This is like a jam packed bar, shoulder to shoulder and the guy you want is on the other side of the room and keeps looking at the TV in the corner and you are hoping he looks at you. I don't think that the majority of any kink combination here would disagree that a pleasant, polite and honest email should be reason to put out a contract on you. In person, the same thing is also true. Hi, you appear interesting and I would like to talk to you, is just as good a garbage opener as "say, haven't I seen you somewhere before, you know I been somewhere before" (in other words, the slimey lines are probably not in order). But men feel this confusion all the time, since it is rather incumbent upon them to make the first move, in the main. Rejection.....simply a bitch, but life nonetheless. After a while some men become inurred to it, and hit on avowed lesbians, dommed up subs, send one liners, form letters, cock photos and just generally play the numbers. But to be friendly, leading to friendship and letting things progress from there is impeccable behavior for any sex or situation. Buck up and show 'em your ass kid! Go out and just say yes! Better to try it than spend a life wondering......I guarentee it won't kill you.

Smiles and good luck,

Ron

(in reply to tanna)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Letting him know you are interested - 5/15/2005 6:33:38 AM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline
quote:

It certainly seems that some men need to be whacked upside the head to get them to realize that there is genuine interest on my part in pursuing a relationship. However, I don't want to come across as one of those psycho subs.

First, you need to get the right definition of the psycho -- that is someone that keeps pursuing someone after being told repeatedly that there is no interest. Being direct about your interest in a guy doesn't make you a psycho.

Now I'd be one of the guys who need to be whacked upside the head to see that someone is interested. One of the few things I've learned about women over the years is that many will think they are being obvoius and clear in their communications while actually being too subtle and oblique in saying what they mean. That probably applies to your "art of flirting" as well; to me it would probably come across as nothing more than just being pleasant and sociable.

So, as greystorm suggests, there's nothing wrong with being more direct and making the first move if you want to make sure the message gets through. And you'll know you've gotten into psycho land if you keep after the guy and get served with a restraining order.

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to tanna)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Letting him know you are interested - 5/15/2005 6:38:47 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		I agree in whole with happypervert....

Ron

(in reply to happypervert)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Letting him know you are interested - 5/15/2005 8:08:41 AM   
Kiaban


Posts: 124
Joined: 7/11/2004
Status: offline 		Nothing wrong with letting a person know if you are interested.
Really its kind of silly if you don't.

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Letting him know you are interested - 5/15/2005 9:14:13 AM   
SirKenin


Posts: 2994
Joined: 10/31/2004
From: Barrie, ON Canada
Status: offline 		The last three women I have been with, including My current partner, have come up to Me. Other women have also approached Me in that time but have been turned down. I do not mind it at all, but I find that I miss the subtle hints. One woman was very disappointed when I started dating My current partner, because she had been dropping Me hints that she was interested in Me and I missed them altogether. It usually takes something like them asking Me out on a date (My current partner) or asking Me to their house and grabbing My hand or jumping Me or something, or asking if they can be My date for the get together before I go "oh yeah, she is interested". I am pretty slow to the draw when it comes to that. Usually everyone around Me gets it before I do (this became particularly evident with My current partner when all My friends came to Me and told Me how they knew she was interested and why before I ever picked up on it).

I am sure some men are very keen on these things, though, but if I were you I would just come out and say so. Just be obvious about it. After all, what is the worst that can happen? I find it very appealling and a turn on when the woman just comes right out with it.

_____________________________

Hi. I don't care. Thanks.

Wicca: Pretending to be an ancient religion since 1956

Catholic Church: Serving up guilt since 107 AD.

(in reply to Kiaban)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Letting him know you are interested - 5/15/2005 11:20:57 AM   
ElektraUkM


Posts: 309
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tanna

"... pursue the Dominant of their dreams relentlessly like a hound on a hot trail. .....to take agressive measures to let a man know I'm intersted."

"... flirting is becoming a lost art among both sexes. Flirting is the best way I know of to let a man know I'm interested without actually having to come right out and say that I'm interested.



Hello tanna, hope its ok me answering this even though i'm neither male nor dominant :)

Seems like you're seeing things as one extreme or the other..? I can see why one might call a pro-active approach 'aggressive' (in a way) but... there's a big difference between pursuing someone relentlessly and saying 'hi, want to chat?' and seeing how it goes. Yeah, men can be a little slow on the uptake, but they're just people, and i don't think someone who found that approach offensive would be worth bothering with anyway (imho).

~ Elektra

(in reply to tanna)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Letting him know you are interested - 5/15/2005 11:37:25 AM   
realman4u


Posts: 5
Joined: 1/23/2005
Status: offline 		In my opinion there is no right or wrong answer as we all are individuals with our own likes and dislikes.
I personally like being pursued

Attachment (1)

(in reply to tanna)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Letting him know you are interested - 5/15/2005 1:27:51 PM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tanna

The ongoing war of the battle of the sexes mixed with the uncertainty of how one should proceed with the opposite sex often leaves me confused.


Stop thinking of it as a war, it isn't. We aren't your enemy and in fact, the whole point of this is to fraternize Actually, if anyone is your enemy, it would be other women who are potential competition.


quote:

I have heard the horror stories of psycho subs who pursue the Dominant of their dreams relentlessly like a hound on a hot trail. This is not me.


Well that's good to know, as has already been said however such "psycho subs" are those who won't take no for an answer. There is nothing wrong with asking a quesion or expressing interest, but its when that persists after the lack of interest has been firmly established that they become a problem.


quote:

Having been raised to believe that a lady will behave like one, and not go chasing after a man, I am hesitant to be the one to take agressive measures to let a man know I'm intersted. I am a flirt, and believe that flirting is becoming a lost art among both sexes. Flirting is the best way I know of to let a man know I'm interested without actually having to come right out and say that I'm interested.


Its wonderful to hear you have such qualities. While it is true most men like a slut in bed, many of us prefer a lady out of bed. I see far too many subs and slaves who don't seem to know how to be anything except a slut. However, also understand that times have changes and standards of etiquette have as well. I'm not meaning the abandonment of it, rather just that things have changed. As a lady there is nothing wrong with you expressing interest in a gentlemen. Be polite, discreet and cordial. By polite I mean be well spoken, respectful and thoughtful, express what you wish to say as clearly and eloquently as you can. By discreet I mean chose a time and method that is private, a personal note, a brief conversation away from others, an email if that is the only option; but do not announce it to the entire world abruptly, do not advertise the fact until you've talked it over with him first. By cordial I mean again be thoughtful and considerate of him (that is, don't interrupt him in the middle of work to have the discussion, pick a time when he can give you his full attention and you'll get better results), be friendly regardless of the outcome. An initial rejection might become a change of heart if things remain polite and friendly. Sometimes we say no reflexively and on second thought reconsider. If the answer remains no after a few days, let it stand and move on. After all, a lady has her standards too and deserves a man genuinely interested in her as well. I believe you'll find that if you follow that advice, no matter how strict the standards of etiquette a person may have you can't go far wrong and will often be complimented on it.

quote:

So, do men pick up on this?? Or do I need to learn to be more out in the open about my interest in a man?

It certainly seems that some men need to be whacked upside the head to get them to realize that there is genuine interest on my part in pursuing a relationship. However, I don't want to come across as one of those psycho subs. I've done plenty of dating, and 99% of that is because the man contacted me first. Which is how I prefer it to be done.. If he is interested he should be the one to ask.. Right?

Gentlemen, any helpful hints you can provide will be greatly appreciated.


As you've already seen in others posts, not all men will pick up on it. Some will, but I think those of us who do tend to be the exceptions. Flirting can be fine for a start, as can a simple friendship, but if he doesn't make the first move then at some point you should. It might be something as simple as a romantic card and a brief note. The key part being to state clearly that you are interested in them romantically, and in your case, submissively. He may not be interested because he hasn't noticed you or there may be things going on in his life that have kept him from thinking in that direction about you. A personal example from my own life was a young lady, quite attractive, who I had met a few times but never really thought of pursuing. I was at a point in my life where that simply wasn't on my mind, though I was open to it if it happened. She made the first move and that certainly got my attention, at which poitn I did begin thinking of her as a possible romantic interest. Sometimes it merely takes that first spark, there's nothing unladylike in providing that spark yourself.

I hope you found that helpful.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to tanna)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Letting him know you are interested - 5/15/2005 3:57:32 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag
I see far too many subs and slaves who don't seem to know how to be anything except a slut.

I agree. There is an art to being both a lady and a slut all the time with no dissonance. It's something I strive towards and, thus far seem to be successful with.

Be yourself. If this approach works best for you, then enjoy it. If you try and force yourself, you will come off as awkward. This is your personality, just relax with it. Some doms will be quite attracted to it and some will not be attracted to it. This is true for any approach you can try.

Most doms like being approached- they don't want to be rejected any more than anyone else does and if the sub approaches them then they know they have a solid attraction to build on.

Enjoy what works for you. It's frustrating breaking out of sexist illogical patterns, but as long as you are honest about where it comes from, there shouldn't be a problem.

(in reply to Padriag)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Letting him know you are interested - 5/15/2005 7:37:25 PM   
hawkwolf7


Posts: 85
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline 		I would like to chime in here as well...

Because no two people are the same, male or female, there is no single approach that is going to work for everyone. Ultimately, you are going to have to make a conscious choice to roll the dice, give it your best shot, and accept the outcome.

While it is a good thing that you are attracted to this person, and for a long term romantic relationship, it is even required, I think we (you, me, all of us) should have a friendship as the first goal, not a romantic or a full D/s relationship. If the friendship grows apace, is healthy for both partners, and a casual play relationship works; only then should we consider a romantic relationship. In other words, it seems like we tend to want to jump to the end, when our focus should be on the beginning.

An advantage of initially pursuing a friendship, as opposed to the "love of your life" partner, is that it can make approaching someone less scary. You are offering to be a friend, not your body, heart, and soul.

Another advantage is that you can get to know the whole person (or at least more) before you sell your house and move in. How many times have we heard horror stories of couples/poly groups risking everything to make an unknown relationship work? It makes me think there must be a better way.

The bottom line is this; unless you are a very shallow person, with no real life of your own, then it will take much more than simple attraction to build a satisfying long term relationship. We all have many facets and aspects to our selves, some that we don't even recognize.

Therefore, if monogamy is your choice, you must find a person who will satisfy many/most of those elements that define you, that define each of us. Those things that make us all unique. And if you choose polyamory, you must find the group of people who do the same thing.

Good luck! And remember, if it were easy, there would be a recipe for it that never failed.
HawkWolf

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Letting him know you are interested - 5/15/2005 9:12:20 PM   
junecleaver


Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline
quote:

The ongoing war of the battle of the sexes mixed with the uncertainty of how one should proceed with the opposite sex often leaves me confused.

I have heard the horror stories of psycho subs who pursue the Dominant of their dreams relentlessly like a hound on a hot trail. This is not me.

Having been raised to believe that a lady will behave like one, and not go chasing after a man, I am hesitant to be the one to take agressive measures to let a man know I'm intersted. I am a flirt, and believe that flirting is becoming a lost art among both sexes. Flirting is the best way I know of to let a man know I'm interested without actually having to come right out and say that I'm interested.

So, do men pick up on this?? Or do I need to learn to be more out in the open about my interest in a man?

It certainly seems that some men need to be whacked upside the head to get them to realize that there is genuine interest on my part in pursuing a relationship. However, I don't want to come across as one of those psycho subs. I've done plenty of dating, and 99% of that is because the man contacted me first. Which is how I prefer it to be done.. If he is interested he should be the one to ask.. Right?

Gentlemen, any helpful hints you can provide will be greatly appreciated.


I've never openly expressed interest in a guy first. I've never had a real problem getting them to express it for me. I think that if I did, I would probably feel very manly and aggressive. I don't really like feeling like that.

It's not that he *should* be the one to ask. It's *is* he going to be the one to ask? Because if he's not and you're not, then something wonderful could slip through your life because you were sitting on your butt waiting for him to approach you..... at least that's how I think I'd coach myself in the mirror. ;)

(in reply to hawkwolf7)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Letting him know you are interested - 5/16/2005 4:24:48 AM   
ElektraUkM


Posts: 309
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline 		I think we need to get over the idea that it's somehow unladylike for a woman to express an interest in a man. Not even in the historical past was it a no-no for a woman to show her interest in a member of the opposite sex! Has no-one ever heard of women dropping their glove or handkerchief for a gentleman to pick up..? heh heh.

What i'm reading here is a lot of confusion, and i think that's mainly coming about through the lack of an etiquette structure in the modern world. The fact that we're talking about the bdsm world is complicating matters perhaps, since as subs, we kind of don't want to look pro-active at all, because that makes us feel less submissive... (is that true?).

BUT... for me at least, being submissive to someone is something that happens after the whole courtship bit... till i'm submitting to someone i'm going to behave just like any other person on the planet does. After all, how do i know i'll want to submit till i know him better? What's the point in being all coy and manipulative (which is what flirting is..?) when we're in the getting-to-know you stage?

Maybe some doms would be put off by that..? Maybe that's what the OP is concerned about 'do i look submissive if i tell him i actually like the look of him!'... But if we took that behaviour to its (ill)logical conclusion we'd just have to put up with a lot more predatory behaviour on the part of doms looking for f subs... and i for one don't want to see that.

No, i say... let's let the man know if we're interested, even if that means (shock! horror!) making the first move... dropping the email eqivalent of our hanky and seeing if he picks it up.

~ Elektra

< Message edited by ElektraUkM -- 5/16/2005 4:27:26 AM >

(in reply to junecleaver)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Letting him know you are interested - 5/16/2005 10:43:51 AM   
BobcatsLilMinx


Posts: 201
Joined: 4/8/2005
From: UK
Status: offline 		Hi tanna;

I'm not a "gentleman", "master" or male at all actually.... It's just always been my personal belief that flirting with a man in an attempt to make him realise you like him is sort of like beating your head against a brick wall. Extremely frustrating, and at the end of it, your head just hurts from your mind racing - Did he mean that? Has he noticed yet? Is this working?

Letting a man know you like him doesn't mean behaving like a slut, and there are ways to do it that can be slotted into regular flirting, but that might make him sit up and think. Waiting around for Mr Wonderful to realise you like him can take a long time. Taking the initiative in a subtle, sweet manner doesn't have to compromise your lady-like poise, or your submissive nature. And a lot of men will find it a lovely stroke to the ego, very pleasing - where's the harm in pleasing a potential Master...?

There's lots of good advice here... This is just my wee opinion *smiles* Good luck with your search..
Minx

(in reply to ElektraUkM)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Letting him know you are interested - 5/16/2005 10:48:16 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BobcatsLilMinx
And a lot of men will find it a lovely stroke to the ego, very pleasing - where's the harm in pleasing a potential Master...?Minx

Hmm I could go on...but I agree with your statement. :)

(in reply to BobcatsLilMinx)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Letting him know you are interested - 5/16/2005 6:25:13 PM   
tanna


Posts: 51
Joined: 6/29/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ElektraUkM

I think we need to get over the idea that it's somehow unladylike for a woman to express an interest in a man. Not even in the historical past was it a no-no for a woman to show her interest in a member of the opposite sex! Has no-one ever heard of women dropping their glove or handkerchief for a gentleman to pick up..? heh heh.

No, i say... let's let the man know if we're interested, even if that means (shock! horror!) making the first move... dropping the email eqivalent of our hanky and seeing if he picks it up.

~ Elektra


I have to say I was most amused by this response, but it also really makes sense!

Agreed that there have likely been many lost opportunities on my part by waiting for the man to show interest. It's actually not often that I'm smitten enough by someone to approach him. I'm thinking that my approach will be a little different from now on, because I'm trying not to let life, or fun, pass me by.

Thank you all for the wonderful responses and the insights.

*scampers off to find a cluex4 and a handkerchief*

tanna

(in reply to ElektraUkM)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Letting him know you are interested - 5/22/2005 9:25:59 PM   
Kinkypupper


Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline 		Psycho subs ?? where.. :-)

All joking aside. just be yourself.. tell them respectfully and upfront that you are interested.
No games.. No playing around.. just SAY IT.


_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to tanna)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Letting him know you are interested - 6/13/2005 10:27:34 AM   
testlimit


Posts: 47
Joined: 6/11/2005
Status: offline 		Yes I'm pretty sure most guys need to be hit upside the head before they'll pick up on "subtle hints." For some it's just not regestering, for others, such as myself, it's that too much is regestering. I can read innuendo and flirtation in just about everything. But I'm aware of this in myself so i tend to not take any of it as an expression of interest in me personally.

For instance, one time at work (I work in a restaruant, I'm 25, and I'm something of an "old man" agewise for the place) one girl made a comment about another girl not being legal in regards to alchol but being legal in other ways. Now the way I'm relating it, it sounds as if the first girl was expressing a personal interest in the other herself, when she made the comment however I got the impression maybe she was trying to "pass on" a hint. I happened to be more interested in the girl making the comment than the one being discussed so I didn't follow up, but it illustrates the point of how being "subtle" in your interests can be a little too "subtle" for those not inside your head.

(in reply to tanna)
Profile   Post #: 19
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