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is it just me? - 5/22/2007 10:25:53 AM

apettiger

Posts: 131
Joined: 1/15/2007
Status: offline

i have been under the impression that for any relationship to work effectively, there has to be compromise, at least in the beginning, by everyone involved. a learning process, if You will.
i have no issue with submitting,i have been doing it for years, but have been running into Those lately, that feel as soon as i express my interest, or willingness to consider Them, i should accept everything They want to do and say to me. if i object to, let's say, heavy pain ( i am not a pain slut) or some of Their brand of humiliation (this is just as an example) They get all freaked out and tell me that because i am the sub/slave, i have no right to object to or request ANYTHING from Them (remember that this is taking place in the first couple of months of meeting Them). and when i finally say that it is not working for me, They refuse to let me go without a bunch of childish name calling and backbiting.
is it wrong to expect a Dom/me to listen to one's wants, needs and desires and act accordingly?
or should a sub accept any and everything the Dom/me wants to subject them to?

_____________________________

378-828-272

Post #: 1

RE: is it just me? - 5/22/2007 10:29:49 AM

jauntyone

Posts: 543
Joined: 2/27/2007
From: Anchorage Alaska
Status: offline

Greetings appetiger

such a general question can not be effectively answered. Everyone approaches their own relationships differently. How Master and I interact will not be the same as how you wish to interact with another. It is important that at the very beginning, both parties come to an understanding of how far the other is willing to bend. If an agreement is not reached right then and there, then the relationship is doomed from the start.

Before you make the commitment to someone, YOU and only you can decide how much YOU are willing to compromise.

I wish you well

melissa

(in reply to apettiger)

Post #: 2

RE: is it just me? - 5/22/2007 10:33:57 AM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

Without your submission, they cannot Dominate, without Domination you cannot submit.

You submit because you ENJOY it, if you're not enjoying it and finding it fulfilling why do it? A dom should be concerned with your contentment int he arrangement, as the leader of the couple, and the party responsible for setting the tone and speed of many activities, if they are not sensitive to your satisfaction or contentment they're not worth your time of day.

A Dom who just wants to use you for their own gratification, is not going to give you what you need, some people enjoy that type of relationship, but if you do not, then admit it, and look for a Dom who is concerned with your happiness as well as His own.

Your submission is the most valuble gift you have for the right Dom, they can't take it unless you let them. YOU have the ultimate keystone to the relationship, you can walk away, this robs them of control, and sets off the aggression and temper tantrums you described from your partners.

(in reply to apettiger)

Post #: 3

RE: is it just me? - 5/22/2007 10:36:13 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

1) Until you've been collared, contracted or owned you are responsible for yourself. End of story. This means that you do get to make decisions and objections.

2) I highly, highly recommend negotiations before becoming contracted, collared or owned. This is a chance for the two of you to see if your expectations of the relationship are similar. It also gives you a chance to lay out your hard limits (ie: things that will not ever change)

3) The childish name calling is self explanatory. They're insecure in their roles. Hence the "absolute" definition of what a sub/slave is, the unreasonable demands, and the inability to understand that a D/s relationship is still a relationship and needs the care and attention that any relationship requires.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to apettiger)

Post #: 4

RE: is it just me? - 5/22/2007 10:37:30 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

They are free to demand anything they want.

You are free to politely remove yourself from their presence.

It is unrealistic to expect people to act as you feel they should.

I do NOT listen to everything my partner wants/needs/desires all the time. Sometimes he's very silly, very overworked, very tired, very guilty, or I'm just in a bad mood and don't want to hear it.

Tough. We love eachother and are together in the long haul and quite fulfilled.

So, go find the person who works for you, ignore the rest.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)

Post #: 5

RE: is it just me? - 5/22/2007 10:44:00 AM

apettiger

Posts: 131
Joined: 1/15/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ProlificNeeds
Without your submission, they cannot Dominate, without Domination you cannot submit.

this is something i am well aware of.

quote:

You submit because you ENJOY it, if you're not enjoying it and finding it fulfilling why do it?
[/qoute]

i will submit to the One that is right for me. what i do not understand is why Some say i am just what They are looking for, then try to make me accept the things They already know i do not want

quote:

A dom should be concerned with your contentment int he arrangement, as the leader of the couple, and the party responsible for setting the tone and speed of many activities, if they are not sensitive to your satisfaction or contentment they're not worth your time of day.

again i agree

quote:

A Dom who just wants to use you for their own gratification, is not going to give you what you need, some people enjoy that type of relationship, but if you do not, then admit it, and look for a Dom who is concerned with your happiness as well as His own.

i have admitted it and i am looking for the right Dom for me.

quote:

Your submission is the most valuble gift you have for the right Dom, they can't take it unless you let them. YOU have the ultimate keystone to the relationship, you can walk away, this robs them of control, and sets off the aggression and temper tantrums you described from your partners.

i do understant this. and it is unfortunate that not A/all in this lifestyle are adult, regardless of T/their age

_____________________________

378-828-272

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)

Post #: 6

RE: is it just me? - 5/22/2007 10:45:26 AM

ready4srvce4all

Posts: 767
Joined: 3/9/2007
Status: offline

Very interesting post apettiger. I'm wondering first off if needs were communicated before meeting. Of course the Domme should be listening to your needs and wants. As I stated in my profile, at some point, any prospective partners needed to disclose what they could and couldn't live without. If I couldn't engage in something a Dominant absolutely had to have, then why pursue going any further? Some things can be compromised. You are not a pain slut, but maybe the Dominant would be willing to only go as far as you could stand, and be satisfied with that.

Mistress and I didn't even begin to discuss anything related with BDSM for a good bit, we were learning about each other. And slowly, we started to explore where each of us was willing to go, and also provide. I carefully thought out my limitations, and provided them to Her. Within the boundaries of those limits, areas were discussed that I may not have thought of, so She would be completely aware of my knowledge or experiences. Just because I may not have listed something as a limit, it might be a form of play I wasn't aware of, and subsequently would be added to the limits list. We were able to find that we were very compatible not only as people, but also in play.

Being a novice, I thought long and hard about limititations. I tried to learn about all forms of play, and tried to relate it to a life experience. An example is knife play. I have been cut so many times accidentally, and have the scars to show it. Never having engaged in knife play, I knew I would enjoy doing so, because those accidental cuttings never bothered me, and I got a bit of a thrill seeing the bleeding. One more example, I was a radio technician, and have gotten some amazing jolts from being less than careful with electricity. From that I knew I could engage in electro play, because I always found myself laughing at getting knocked on my butt.

I would think first and foremost, carefully consider your limitations. Then with prospective Dominants, hold fast to those, and let them know exactly what you can live and live without, and what you can and can not provide for them.

_____________________________

(in reply to apettiger)

Post #: 7

RE: is it just me? - 5/22/2007 10:50:21 AM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: apettiger

is it wrong to expect a Dom/me to listen to one's wants, needs and desires and act accordingly?

Not if you worked that out before you started submitting to him or her. As the Dominant, however, he or she can choose to listen and to act, or to do one without the other, or to do neither. ~shrug~ Know who you're dealing with before you surrender yourself.

quote:

ORIGINAL: apettiger
or should a sub accept any and everything the Dom/me wants to subject them to?

Depends again. Does this sub/slave have hard limits? If so, is the Dominant respectful of them? If something isn't touching on the hard limits, then a sub accepts any and everything (at least on paper). Then you have real life to deal with. Like LA said, sometimes someone's just had a bad day and isn't in the mood to hear it or act on it.

If it's a committed long-term relationship, these little bumps in the road will work themselves out. If it was a fast relationship conceived in frenzy and based only on sexual desire ... in my experience, those are the ones that don't last through the rough ride.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to apettiger)

Post #: 8

RE: is it just me? - 5/22/2007 11:58:56 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Of course I want to know her wants and needs, how else would I know what to deny her? All kidding aside, people make all sorts of things work, even yucky vanilla and are quite happy. You find the one who makes you either not want to ask or listens, then you create a relationship together.

(in reply to slaveish)

Post #: 9

RE: is it just me? - 5/22/2007 12:06:03 PM

apettiger

Posts: 131
Joined: 1/15/2007
Status: offline

i have noticed than S/some seem to be under the impression that i was speaking of an existing relationship. i am speaking of the beginning of one, when the quirks are worked out, before a comentment is established. but after the intitial conversations about limits and preferences

_____________________________

378-828-272

(in reply to slaveish)

Post #: 10

RE: is it just me? - 5/22/2007 12:14:10 PM

Eruditegirl

Posts: 53
Joined: 3/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: apettiger

i have been under the impression that for any relationship to work effectively, there has to be compromise, at least in the beginning, by everyone involved. a learning process, if You will.
i have no issue with submitting,i have been doing it for years, but have been running into Those lately, that feel as soon as i express my interest, or willingness to consider Them, i should accept everything They want to do and say to me. if i object to, let's say, heavy pain ( i am not a pain slut) or some of Their brand of humiliation (this is just as an example) They get all freaked out and tell me that because i am the sub/slave, i have no right to object to or request ANYTHING from Them (remember that this is taking place in the first couple of months of meeting Them). and when i finally say that it is not working for me, They refuse to let me go without a bunch of childish name calling and backbiting.
is it wrong to expect a Dom/me to listen to one's wants, needs and desires and act accordingly?
or should a sub accept any and everything the Dom/me wants to subject them to?

After reading your profile....I can tell you know the answer....I think you are looking for validation in your choices....which I do a lot of too...
What I have learned is...what I am looking for...not what someone else tells/thinks I want or should do....I began doubting that I was a sub....then I got mad...how dare 1 or 2 idiot google doms project their images of who I should be on me...then I got mad at myself for allowing them to effect me or my submissness...now I just pooofff them off....they will find a sub for them and I will find a Dom for me and we will all live happily ever after....
Please don't allow anyone to dictate who you are...or make you feel bad for having enough self respect and esteem to be YOU and know what YOU want.....

_____________________________

The road to stupidity is paved with good intentions....

(in reply to apettiger)

Post #: 11

RE: is it just me? - 5/22/2007 12:15:00 PM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline

My advice, in that case, still stands.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to apettiger)

Post #: 12

RE: is it just me? - 5/22/2007 12:31:51 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Ditto.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to slaveish)

Post #: 13

RE: is it just me? - 5/22/2007 1:49:31 PM

eveningtwilight

Posts: 48
Joined: 5/22/2007
Status: offline

I say, for any relationship to work both people have to have their needs met. Otherwise, somebody inevitably ends up leaving.

I think it is no different than you approaching a Dom and telling him that you will submit but only in "x,y,z" ways. If it doesn't cut it for him, he looks elsewhere.

Finding the perfect natual match for anyone is very difficult. That is why the good old-fashion "compromise". Compromise can simply be understanding the other persons limits and respecting them, even if they are not your own limits.

(in reply to apettiger)

Post #: 14

RE: is it just me? - 5/22/2007 2:06:09 PM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

Just because you are a submissive does not mean you have to submit to every person that calls themselves a dominant. People that behave as you said aren't worthy of your submission and better to move on. The internet brings lots of people that can call themselves anything and represent themselves as anything. There are ones out there that do not act like children and you will find one. You do have a right to your own values and ideals.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to apettiger)

Post #: 15

RE: is it just me? - 5/22/2007 2:38:05 PM

swtnsparkling

Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

i am speaking of the beginning of one, when the quirks are worked out,

seems the quirks are not worked out

quote:

before a comentment is established.

IMO there shouldnt be any kind of commitment until your both on the same page

quote:

but after the intitial conversations about limits and preferences

if those converations of limits -preferences were discussed and he agreed you have every right to object to any he is trying to sway from

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

(in reply to apettiger)

Post #: 16

RE: is it just me? - 5/22/2007 2:54:25 PM

MagiksSlave

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

Like others have said they have a right to ask whatever they want of you whenever they want (weather it is realistic or not ) and you have the right to tell them to stuff it!!

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to swtnsparkling)

Post #: 17

RE: is it just me? - 5/22/2007 3:56:03 PM

Masque66

Posts: 185
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

The dom in question sounds like he either lacks creativity or is just plain lazy and inflexible. I look at a slave's limits not as a wall but as a challenge. The idea isn't to try and smash down the wall, but to pick at it, brick by brick. If I run into a slave's hard limit I veer to the side. Something that will be within her tolerance, but still a challenge for her. Given enough time nearly any limit can be overcome (not to say all of them should be, of course). But a limit that's inhibitory can be faced much the same as a fear of roller coasters.

Claiming that you have no choice is only half right. You do have to obey. But every slave holds the trump card. They can just leave instead. A good master will be able to push those limits without driving you to leave. At the end of a scene you should feel weary, sore, and tired. But you should also feel good about it.

(in reply to MagiksSlave)

Post #: 18

RE: is it just me? - 5/22/2007 4:33:17 PM

pinksugarsub

Posts: 1224
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: apettiger

i have been under the impression that for any relationship to work effectively, there has to be compromise, at least in the beginning, by everyone involved. a learning process, if You will.
i have no issue with submitting,i have been doing it for years, but have been running into Those lately, that feel as soon as i express my interest, or willingness to consider Them, i should accept everything They want to do and say to me. if i object to, let's say, heavy pain ( i am not a pain slut) or some of Their brand of humiliation (this is just as an example) They get all freaked out and tell me that because i am the sub/slave, i have no right to object to or request ANYTHING from Them (remember that this is taking place in the first couple of months of meeting Them). and when i finally say that it is not working for me, They refuse to let me go without a bunch of childish name calling and backbiting.
is it wrong to expect a Dom/me to listen to one's wants, needs and desires and act accordingly?
or should a sub accept any and everything the Dom/me wants to subject them to?

E/everyone's different; some submissives might feel owned at 2 months; others might enjoy the "strong Dom" phenom.

For me, the relationship exists to meet my needs. Yes, these include submission and pleasing Him, but not past my own limits.

i plain don't want a Dom who does not respect my limits. But that's just me.

_____________________________

(in reply to apettiger)

Post #: 19

RE: is it just me? - 5/22/2007 4:59:37 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Masque66

You do have to obey.

She wasn't collared, contracted or owned.....so no she doesn't have to obey.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Masque66)

Post #: 20

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