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ProlificNeeds -> RE: Baggage, when do you pull your skeletons out? (5/23/2007 7:25:04 AM)
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The 'vague' quality of the original topic starter was partially intentional, partially due to a fresh idea not sticking well inside a sleep clouded mind, for that I apologize. However I have seen some very good responses, most of them encouraging.
Baggage and skeletons in this particular instance I used to encompass all things, vices, limits, any negative reactions you may have, or any past experiences that you know -will- come up if you enter into a deep relationship.
Example: "A family member is very ill but we are still trying to give her/him homecare." A very stressful addition to ones life, emotionally and physically at times. I also consider that baggage because you -haven't- learned to cope yet, it's still in the process. I also don't believe you should 'hold off' and potentially lose a connection you have with someone because you need to go off alone and take care of your problems. If they are willing to accept everything that's going on in your life, even help you with it, then why risk losing the opportunity? If they aren't willing to take that string attached to you, then you know up front and you'll never ask yourself down the road, "Should I have told them?"
Several of the Dom/me's had the answer I was trying to fumble for, knowing the sub. That means all the dark bits in the past. Someone had said to me before, submission, when experiencing it at the hands of another and not just in self exploration alone, is very much different, because suddenly someone else is poking around those dark bits inside your head with you (not an exact quote but the same general idea).
I'll give you a very prime idea of why this topic came to me at such an ungodly hour now. I won't put in specifics so I apologize for any vagueness but the discussion that prompted these thoughts were with an individual who does surf here and I would not want to offend with any direct violation of privacy.
I ended up in a conversation that was not unpleasent, but was definitely far deeper than it had started out, speaking about life experiences has a tendancy to do that. I am unsure why, perhaps because I had already related some of my own life difficulties that I have more than learned to move beyond, it was more of a comparison of human aspects and society. I had ended up asking a question, innocently, almost as a jest really, expecting a simple answer. The one I got was not. It wasn't a bombshell, I didn't want to go fleeing in the other direction, I didn't feel put upon, nor was it an emo-fest. It was a very well phrased answer, that suddenly blew open a portion of his past, that still does effect him, and possibly will for the rest of his life I'm sure. Immediate reaction, comfort somehow, next reaction, 'don't crowd or push' third reaction, 'is he actually still suffering, maybe he's over it' and so on down the list, before I ever made a reply. It was probably more emotional for -me- knowing he would share something so private, than it was for him, but it had direct baring on an inconsistancy within my own personality and behavior. One that potentially could repeat a certain set of emotions or circumstances from his past. To some people it wouldn't be a big deal, for me obviously it was because it was a behavior I hadn't mastered in myself.
So do you let the topic lay, or do you return fire with a volley of your own since the waters seem calm? Again another call based on moods and reactions, I came clean about my own behavioral vice and when it has a tendancy to crop up. There was no drawing away, and he understood perfectly why I had told him, as a means to perhaps reassure him. More importantly I think, though it seems early, revealing two very prominent issues for us helped us find another level of comfort that otherwise may never had come without a more emotional moment attached to it.(I say interest because I wouldn't call it true attachment or investment yet, beyond a friendship level)
Of course afterwards I begin kicking myself in the ass, the intial conditioning is to hide your ugly bits and present all your natural beauty and radiant charm ect. So, hoping to salvage any perception flaws that might have occured, I simply expressed my concern that I didn't want him to think ill of me and I hope I hadn't turned him off to a degree with the revelation. His sentiment was much the same, but as we continued the chat, he made it quite clear, if we do invest in a relationship beyond friendship, things like that will come out in time, because he -wants- to know them. He also made it quite clear he would find personal pride and accomplishment in helping me become a better person, it wouldn't be alone.
Of course, the girl in me goes "awwww" the wiser woman goes "Did he get that perfect response from a text book?!" My obvious desire is to believe this is his true sentiment and not just what we want to hear. We've discussed a great many things outside BDSM related topics, and based on his life views, the response seems to fit, that's just how he is. So as another step in deciding if there's something more to the image I came trolling on over to my internet and started hunting and asking(as most people don't appreciate if you call them at 2am in the morning).
My original comment, about D/s relations starting with the ugly bits was completely out of context, and not a blanket statement but I couldn't display the rest of the conversation so I left it out there to provoke any and all reactions it might recieve as a stand alone comment. The rest of the conversation happened to be about communication and being open with a partner in a relationship. We had been discussing how in many vanilla relationships, it seems people try to hide what they consider 'deviant' behavior until later on, while in BDSM people seem far more willing to be up front, "I want this, and not this." When it comes to their sexual appetites, limits, and even about what they expect from their partner. So often I see very good advice from BDSM communities and sources that could easily apply to vanilla couples or relationships, and I have to wonder, -why- are the relationships so inherantly different. The only conclusion I could come up with is because in BDSM, for safety and sanity, you usually -have- to be upfront and honest about a great many things, the good and the bad.
So take it for what you may but I thank all of you for the responses, I got to see both sides of the fence on the topic which was perfect.
------edited for typos, though I'm sure some still got away -----
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