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best time for references??? - 5/16/2005 3:39:18 PM

match2u

Posts: 131
Joined: 11/15/2004
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hello to all,

i have a question - when is the best time to ask for references?

two times i had that i got the answer - is it not to late for asking now in references?

both times i was asking as a meeting was dated and it should be in real soon, face to face...

problem always creep out about trust, cause both times it seems like that it was taken as an offend i am not trusting.
also - when i chat, mail, phone with someone i feel safe and have never thuoght about especially in mailing, chatting to ask for references.
this point always was important to me when i know i will have a date face to face....

so even when mailing, having phone talks for months the point of reference comes up (in my point) when the appointment would be gonna fixed - but like told before it always caused me problems, cause i do get the answer then - is it not to late and i do have doubts,i do not trust....

so when is the best time to ask for references?

is there any best time?

thanks a lot

petra

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RE: best time for references??? - 5/16/2005 4:08:33 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
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The best time for references is when you know the references themselves like friends. Only then can they be meaningful beyond which your own judgement is useful.

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RE: best time for references??? - 5/16/2005 4:35:42 PM

MistressFire70

Posts: 378
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: North Carolina
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I'd say the best time to ask is when they begin to ask personal information such as address, phone number and such. You can get a lot off the web with just a phone number these days. But, a good point about references has been made: they really only do YOU good if you know the references!

Fire

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RE: best time for references??? - 5/16/2005 8:35:42 PM

SirSTRYKER

Posts: 284
Joined: 8/15/2004
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I too agree with MistressFire. If I wanted someone to have any reference it would be from someone I had previously coached. To My knowledge no one has inquired about Me before any meetings, nor have I ever thought to ask about anyone else in such a way since they may be coached as well. Trust your instincts. First meetings should be conducted in a safe environment and don't necessarily (sp) have to include sex!

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RE: best time for references??? - 5/16/2005 9:42:59 PM

sub4hire

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I'd have to agree with Fire as well. Some people you just never want to even get close enough to, so references would never need to come into play.
Some you do and you need to watch your own back because there will be no one else to watch it for you.

References can come in many ways. Myself, I'd have a bit of issue going to people who are in essence the person's puppet. So, I'd ask if they attend any groups. Any local dungeons. Even vanilla people I could chat with.
Places where there would be many I could choose from to get an unbiased opinion of a person.

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RE: best time for references??? - 5/16/2005 10:09:47 PM

Lordandmaster

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THE BEST TIME TO ASK FOR REFERANCES IS RIGHT AWAY AS SOON AS THE GUY COMES TO GIVE YOU HIS ESTIMATE, YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF WORK HE DID FOR THE NEIGBORS AND WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT HIM.

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RE: best time for references??? - 5/17/2005 2:52:17 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
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Usually I'll bring up references fairly early on in conversing witih someone who approaches me online. Typically, it's in the context of Online Sub X saying "I've had Y years of experience" to which I reply "Good, would you be able to get a reference then?"

Note I am not asking for said reference immediately, just if they could get one.

What tells me far more than what the actual reference could is the person's reaction to being asked. At this point, either they handle it smoothly ("sure, no problem") or the excuses start immediately...well you know he served for 4 years but she moved cross country or out of country never to be heard from again and by the way they had no friends in the lifestyle during those 4 years so it's not like anyone else could vouch and um he didn't move with her because she got married to someone else yeah that's it or maybe she died in a car crash but he was just the bestest loyalest slave to her and she only ever did to him what he liked....

You get the picture.

If it's handled smoothly, I probably never will ask that person to come up with the actual reference. The only reason I would is if I felt they were BSing me, in which case I wouldn't bother moving forward regardless of how stellar a reference was.

If I meet someone in person at a BDSM function, I might ask around discretely people I know that may have met that person before...but in general, I won't bother with references. Having met them face to face, I already know a couple things about that person - one, that they have had the balls to get out and be r/t and two, I know whatever my gut told me from talking to them, and it rarely steers me wrong.

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Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

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RE: best time for references??? - 5/17/2005 3:11:56 AM

darkinshadows

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I think that references should be obtained before meeting and that could be anytime from the minute you started chatting or the weeks before you meet. The 'timeframe' is irrelvant because some people meet within a week of chatting - sometimes it takes months.

I would have more of a problem with someone who either refused or said 'isn't it a bit late for references?' Or' don't you trust me?' - those would send up red flags for me.

Peace and Love petra

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RE: best time for references??? - 5/17/2005 7:45:57 AM

happypervert

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From: Scranton, PA
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I'm interviewing for a job right now. They wanted an application filled out with references to begin the interview process; however, they don't actually check any of the information until after you accept a job offer. This is just one major company with tens of thousands of employees; dunno how others handle it.

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RE: best time for references??? - 5/17/2005 10:49:20 AM

FelinePersuasion

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Joined: 11/20/2004
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I ask before the meetings even been schedualed if he's going to be a more than one time meet.

I was considering someone and I asked about in the chat room, hey anybody know......... what's he like and some pretty disturbing things came out about him from two people who knew him. some of which I varified like they had an STD, and then when it came out, he was like yeah I do I was going to tell you when we met, and tell you to research it and he was saying that he can't give someone herpies unless there was sores on his parts n stuff and actually an STD Is an STD weather or not you're broke out at the moment.

and also even tho I had a bf he and I asn't looking for sex or romance n he knew it and said ok he was hopeing* this is his words not mine* I would eventually leave my bf for him after our first meeting because I w*ould like him so much at first meet* end quote* He thought I'd want him over a man I 've loved and been with for 2 years. And known for 3.

First thing that's wrong with that mentality is I wouldn't get with in 100 feet of someone who has designs to tear apart a loving commited relationship, and two, What makes him think that a girl who would leave her man of 2 years for a man of a few months would not leave him for something better when better came.

I's a prooven fact in relationships I've seen if she'll leave him for you, she's eventually gonna leave you for someone else. History repeats itself, You can't trust people like that.

< Message edited by FelinePersuasion -- 5/17/2005 10:58:25 AM >

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