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Padriag -> RE: Parents influence (5/20/2005 3:12:52 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kiaban
You hear it alot in the bdsm circles..you are dom/sub because your parents did this or that when you were growing up. The funny thing is that they generally tailor it to whatever you are and contradict themselves. IE You are dom because your dad was dom..or you are sub because your dad was dom and beat you into submission.
Anyways inspite of not putting much stock in it, just wondering what other people's experience was and if they think thier parents influenced thier 'dom or subness".
Parental influence is one thing that can affect whether a person develops dominant or submissive personality traits. There are many others and some specific conditions that must exist as well.
Before I go any further, I should explain a few points regarding my personal view on this. First, I don't believe there is any genetic "code" for dominance or submissiveness, nor in fact do I believe genetics predisposes anyone to any form of behavior. What I do believe is that all behavior is learned, including dominance and submissiveness. What you learn is a based not only on your experiences, but on your perception of those experiences. In that regard genetics can have some influence in differences in how you perceive things (for a simple example a blind man perceives things differently than a seeing person, more complex is the example of someone with a differing levels of production of things like neurotransmitters, endorphins and dopamines due to genetic differences / flaws), by altering your ability to perceive and thus altering your interpretation of an experience (what you learn). That said, here's my theory.
Parental influence is often attributed to being responsible for dominant or submissive traits developing for erroneous reasons because it is such a strong influence in a child's development. That is not to say it cannot be a defining influence, but rather to say its a bit more complicated than the simplistic examples often give of "dad was domineering and mom was submissive so I'm..."
In reality there are many such influences which can affect our development beyond just parents. It could be anyone who makes a significant impact on the child through the child's experiences such as grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, teachers, daycare works, religous leaders, etc.
In addition to this are all the general life experiences that the child has that may not directly relate to an individual but impact on the child's experiences, such as accidents, strokes of good fortune, general environment, etc. One can't help but wonder what contribution movies, music, etc. make as well.
All these things are influences only, and it is not the experience itself, but how the child perceives that experience which shapes their personality, and for the purpose of this discussion the likelyhood they will develop dominant or submissive traits. It is the perception of the child that affects what they learn from the experience which also explains why two children with similar experience can develop different personalities and beliefs, because their perception of those similar experiences was different and thus what they learned was different.
When confronted with the behavior of a parent or other important influence a child has three basic options:
Adopt the behavior of the person;
Reject the behavior of the person;
Adopt only part of the behavior while rejecting other portions.
What the child chooses to do will be determined chiefly by how successful the child perceives that behavior to be in achieving the desired goals. Bearing in mind that social behaviors develop with the goal of seeking successful ways of having our needs and wants met (cf. Heirarchy or Needs, A. H. Maslow; Understanding Human Nature, Alfred Adler). Dominance and submission as lifestyle choices are really just social adaptations to the problem of having our needs and wants met.
This brings us to the question of what specifically causes these traits to develop in some and not in others. In general I find at least two conditions must be present. The first are the perception of experiences which create in the individual's mind the belief in the necessity of one or other behavior in an exaggerated form as a means of having needs met. This may occur because the child observed in a role model behavior which was either dominant or submissive and which seemed successful to the child (perception), and thus engender the belief in the child that this behavior was worth adopting. Or it may be the opposite, observing the behavior of a role model as being unsuccesful and adopting thus the child reacts by adopting the opposite behavior. Again to be be clear, the child has experiences which, in their perception, create the belief that they must adopt social behavior traits that are exaggerated in relation to "normal" or average behaviors in order to have their needs met.
For example, I have met many submissives who are over achievers (for example they may have been straight A students, excelled at various school and club activities, etc.), but which stems from a deep belief that they must do so in an exaggerated form in order to have their basic need for affection met. That is, they did these things, and did very well, because they felt it was necessary to over achieve in order to please their parents and thus to feel approval, love, affection, etc.
The second condition deals with mental stamina, or what Nietzsche called the "Will to Power". Essentially this is the ability of the individual to stick to thier chosen method of achieving their needs. I find that generally it is either present in a high degree, or in a low degree. And surprisingly either can yield dominant or submissive traits... but both cases the individual is in possession of mental stamina to a degree significantly higher or lower than would be considered average.
In submissives, those with a high degree of mental stamina tend to be very low maintenance, requiring less instruction, guidance and most specifically less positive reinforcement. Submissives with low mental stamina are more easily frustrated and need more encouragement and guidance.
In dominants I have found that those with high mental stamina tend to become dominant leaders, tend to be more stable emotionally and less prone to extremes of behavior. Dominants with low mental stamina tend towards domineering behavior, being more easily frustrated tend to seek more direct means of achieving control (their chosen method of having their needs met), and as a result are more prone to extremes in their methods since extreme methods also often achieve faster results.
(Note: Mental stamina can be changed and be developed over time, and in that regard can be thought of like a muscle that with "exercise" can be strengthened. When we learn patience, self discipline, etc. we are developing various expressions of mental stamina.)
As examples of all this I'll relate an experience I had with a submissive woman whom sometime ago was seeking to become my slave. As part of that process I interviewed her and explored her background to gain a better understanding of who she was and what had caused her to choose slavery as a lifestyle, and whether she had actually developed the traits necessary to this.
(Note: She is not a member of this site, and since I will not be giving out any identifying information I don't feel this is an invasion of her privacy since no one reading this will have any idea who she was and I will not say.)
In talking with her I learned that her father had not been a significant part of her life, but her mother had. I also learned she had a preference for older men, strict discipline coupled with an otherwise gentle disposition. This indicated to me that despite the absence of her father there must have been a strong male influence in her life. After talking with her further the picture took shape. Her mother had a failed marriage and after that numerous boyfriends, she often spent time at her grandparents and it was her grandfather who provided the strong male influence. He was a strict disciplinarian and not to be disobeyed, but he was also an otherwise kind, loving, affectionate man. Her perception of this developed into the adoption of an attraction to older men, a preference for strict rules and a controled environment (meeting her need for stability in her life), and submissiveness (as a means of gaining both affection and control which equated stability and security to her).
Another surprise has been the observation that dominance can and often does arrise out of "weakness." That is, the individual feels inferior, but unsatisfied with this develops an exaggerated drive to overcome the perceived inferiority through dominant behavior. A classic example is the school geek who is unsuccessful socially (and sexually) and seeks to overcome this through overcompensation, thus developing a more aggressive, outgoing, controlling, etc. behavior. If successful, they end up being the geek who married the prom queen (literally or metaphorically). If unsuccessful they may become even more introverted and reclusive than before, and are at risk for developing neurotic and psychopathic personalities.
(Note: Consider Ted Bundy, who was shy and often teased as a child, grew up to become very charming and suave (overcompensation), fell in love with a woman who fits the "prom queen" metaphor, the relationship failed and within a few years of this he began his series of murders. Frighteningly, we might consider Ted Bundy a failed dominant whose failure combined with other character flaws turned psychopathic.)
So in summation, parental influence can contribute to the development of dominant or submissive traits. But the process by which this occurs is not so simple as the often given example of "dad was domineering so I am too."
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