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Insecurities - 5/23/2007 7:20:42 PM

veronag

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/28/2007
Status: offline

I am asking for advice on how to handle insecurities concerning my dom, and our relationship. I am a very self assured person in every other aspect of my life. Even in the presence of my dom I am not plagued by these insecurities. But when I leave him, all these questioning feelings return. I should add that this is my first dom, I am not his only sub, and we live 2 hours apart. I know some of these feelings are due to the other sub. She has been with him longer, and sees him more often. Due to other responsabilities, I can only visit every 2 or 3 weeks, for a day or two; this never seems like enough time for me. I also believe I might be more emotionally involved than he. I realize some of this is due to my being new to the lifestyle, but this is driving me crazy (him too, I think). I need to find a way to handle these feelings, or to build my confidence in this relationship. Any ideas or advice will be greatly appreciated.

Post #: 1

RE: Insecurities - 5/23/2007 7:25:26 PM

ToysAndTies

Posts: 124
Joined: 5/20/2007
Status: offline

With regard to the other sub, it could be jealousy, particularly of the time she gets to spend with him. First kink or not, first poly can be difficult however you look at it. Be honest, talk to him about how you feel, and see how you both (or three) can work to fix it. Long distance is hard, but for the right person, completely worth it.

(in reply to veronag)

Post #: 2

RE: Insecurities - 5/23/2007 7:36:17 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

I am sorry, I have no ideas or advice..This is a situation, that will simply take time and effort on everyone..Dominant and sub/sub alike. You are the new person in this dynamic. Have you ever gone to a new job and been the new person? Everyone somewhat unknown, you know your job somewhat but not how that particular job does it..You are full of insecurities..self doubt, and you must try to find your place within..I would not worry about driving your Dominant crazy as you are his choice, and he is essentially running this show. It is his job to help you in any and every way possible to find your place. This is his responsibility, and thus you need to communicate your concerns and he needs to pay attention and act accordingly. How does the other submissive make you feel welcome? Do you feel included by her?...I wish you well..starting off in a poly relationship first time out, in my personal estimation must be extremely difficult....Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to ToysAndTies)

Post #: 3

RE: Insecurities - 5/23/2007 7:40:21 PM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline

First, what questioning feelings? You don't indicate if this is a trust issue or a love issue or what have you. He may be your first Dom and you may be new to the scene, but your insecurity seems to be about the relationship and not the D/s stuff. That is very normal, especially given that there is another sub involved.

The surest way to make things worse is to stay silent about your insecurity or to be overly clingy. Speak without manipulating (no "poor me" statements to him) and ask him to help you, and let go a little bit if you tend to want to keep him in a choke hold. If the other sub is available, talk to her too - strike up a friendship if you can (ask your Dom first).

It is hard for me to advise you futher since I don't have much info to go on.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to ToysAndTies)

Post #: 4

RE: Insecurities - 5/23/2007 7:51:27 PM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

i believe the key to it all is the fact that you feel you are more emotionally invested in the relationship than he is. You mentioned "questioning feelings return" - can you explain that more? i assume it to mean you question how much he cares for you perhaps even in relations to this other sub of his who you understand has been around longer, probably has a closer bond with him and gets to see him a lot more then you do. It would take an unusually confident person to not have all that effect them in some way. You care about him, it's only natural that the more you care for someone the more you stand to loose if that person withdraws their affection/love/attention from you.

Allowing it to drive you crazy (and him too) won't solve the problem - it will only serve to deteriorate it and wear both of you down. It's hard to deal with insecurities because really only we ourselves can alleviate them through taking action or making changes either in how we think or what we intend to change or do about a situation. i doubt he can say anyting to you to make you feel better once you are out of his presence. Talking to him about it is important but he won't be able to "make it go away" It's like trying to confort a child who is afraid of the boogie monster - the child feels safe and secure when the parent is in the room and all the words are comfort while the parent is present but once the parent tries to leave the thought of that boogie monster becomes so huge all those words fly out the window and the overwhelming fear returns. Eventually the child has to learn to deal with these fears on his own -with some help from the parent and some discomfort along the way as well.

i would say try to focus the best you can - when you are with him on just being happy and enjoying your time. Build experiences you can look back on with pride and happiness, don't spoil the time you have together by worrying about how you're going to feel when you have to leave. i think you also have to understand if he does favor this girl, it's only natural as she's been his longer then you have - don't begrudge her this - if it were you you'd kind of expect it as well - it can't be easy being the second to come along sub. But she's probably going through her own insecurities, maybe talking it out with her would help the both of you form a closer bond? The more you come to care for her the easier it will be to accept her in his life. Good luck and hope you feel better about everything soon!

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to veronag)

Post #: 5

RE: Insecurities - 5/23/2007 8:41:53 PM

Noah

Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: veronag

I am asking for advice on how to handle insecurities concerning my dom, and our relationship. I am a very self assured person in every other aspect of my life. Even in the presence of my dom I am not plagued by these insecurities. But when I leave him, all these questioning feelings return. I should add that this is my first dom, I am not his only sub, and we live 2 hours apart. I know some of these feelings are due to the other sub. She has been with him longer, and sees him more often. Due to other responsabilities, I can only visit every 2 or 3 weeks, for a day or two; this never seems like enough time for me. I also believe I might be more emotionally involved than he. I realize some of this is due to my being new to the lifestyle, but this is driving me crazy (him too, I think). I need to find a way to handle these feelings, or to build my confidence in this relationship. Any ideas or advice will be greatly appreciated.

It sounds like a kind of emotional pain. Is there an S&M dynamic to your relationship? Have you (yourself or with him) explored the possibility of involving emotional as well as physical pain in your interactions?

Some submissives process this kind of suffering by "hurting for him".

I suspect others will give good (and bad) advice regarding the underlying issues, and that's fine. In the meanwhile, you're hurting. What do you want to do with this pain, right now, in this moment?

(in reply to veronag)

Post #: 6

RE: Insecurities - 5/23/2007 9:17:51 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Time and experience together will be the best thing for you both. When you get together, don't hole yourselves up for a kinky vacation (and no, going to a kinky club doesn't count as getting out on the town). Go DO things together as you would if you were just 10 minutes away- go grocery shopping, go to the movies, make eachother part of your LIVES.

And ask to steal a shirt to enjoy when you are apart.

Keep yourself well rested, well fed and well exercised when you are apart as well. Focus on your long term goals with short steps to make you feel progress is being made, rather than just sitting around waiting for him.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Noah)

Post #: 7

RE: Insecurities - 5/23/2007 9:22:41 PM

Elorin

Posts: 970
Joined: 8/22/2004
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline

My advice is to find a group, preferably an "in the flesh" as opposed to online group, of fellow submissives. Find a poly support group also. Having others with shared experiences might help you realize that you aren't the only one going through it - and will hopefully give you an outlet for when you are plagued with questions. For that matter, I'd guess you might be able to search online and find a group of fellow subs in long distance relationships.

Not being "the only one" makes things a lot easier for me.

~E

_____________________________

'cause when i look down /i just miss all the good stuff / when i look up / i just trip over things

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: Insecurities - 5/24/2007 6:10:10 PM

LadyPaige

Posts: 187
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I feel for you, it's not an easy position. I was in a poly relationship in the other girl's position and she had a hard time of it as she became more emotionally attached. When it comes right down to it, unless he's doing something to make you feel insecure, the only one who can help you is you. I suggest that you speak to both of them about your feelings, and maybe spend more time becoming close to the other sub. In the successful poly relationships I've seen, the subs were more like sisters than most sisters.

(in reply to Elorin)

Post #: 9

RE: Insecurities - 5/24/2007 7:29:42 PM

veronag

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/28/2007
Status: offline

Thank you to every one for your suggestions. They have all been helpful.

Slavish - It is the relationship I have doubts about. The D/S aspects are not a problem. I was suprised at how "right" those aspect felt. The non-play parts of the relationship are what causes me the to question my place/his feelings.

Noah - I have not thought of incorporating the emotional pain into our play. I will have to think about that, and discuss it with him. Thank you for the idea.

LuckyAlbatross - As always your advice was most helpful. I have tried the last couple of days to focus on the day to day things I need to accomplish. Keeping busy is helping. The idea of sharing everyday errands/activities while together may help. I must confess, we usually spend the time isolated. The eating/sleeping/exercising to stay healthy is a part of my normal life, so concentrating on that has helped as well.

Elorin - I wish the group idea was an option. I live in a very small town, with very few BDSM opportunities in the near by towns. I will look into an online group. Thanks.

Tempting/ LadyPaige/ Velvetears - I have had only one IM conversation with the other sub. I actually prefer not to interact with her too much. I just get a closed vibe from her. She is most likely a wonderful person, but I don't think I can handle a relationship with her. Maybe that is the green-eyed monster talking, but for now it is best for me.

Again, thank you so much for your ideas, and for taking the time to share them. veronag

(in reply to LadyPaige)

Post #: 10

RE: Insecurities - 5/24/2007 11:16:39 PM

minnetar

Posts: 1272
Joined: 4/11/2007
Status: offline

i will state i could never be in a poly situation. my self esteem isn't that strong. Are you sure that you want to be in a poly situation? i think to deal with that you need to be secure with your relationship with your Master.

minnetar

(in reply to veronag)

Post #: 11

RE: Insecurities - 5/24/2007 11:24:39 PM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

My advice is to relish the moments that you can and see every moment that is giving you what you want as the moment to pursue and think upon. Don't worry about someone else getting more time with him, or even about whether or not he cares about you as much as you care about him. If you put a certain amount of energy in, and you receive the energy you desire, such as in some type of scene impact, then you continue in that path. Quite often, over-worrying tends to be a catalyst to destroy something that was working just fine. Save your concerns for the big issues, if they should ever come along.

_____________________________

<---- FYI, this picture looks JUST like me

http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

(in reply to veronag)

Post #: 12

RE: Insecurities - 5/25/2007 1:26:28 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

I agree it is a tough starting situation and the fact that the other girl feels closed to you indicates that she is likely to be feeling some insecurity too. He really needs to be aware of this from both of you so He can address it as wisely as He can. However I agree with the poster who said to avoid "poor me" statements. Keep things more upbeat, more positive, and ask instead for constructive ways that will help you deal with your feelings. I agree with LA that you should try to do some "normal" things when you are together to give you a window into each others lives. Then, for eg, when you next do the shopping on your own ... you can recall the fun you and He had when you went shopping together and the decisions He made about what to buy (or whatever). you could also ask Him for some suggestions of things you can do which help you feel close and connected when you are not with Him. Some ideas off the top of My head:

1. Write a daily journal - this could be as simple as a log of your activities or a deeply reflective journal, whatever He desires. He agrees to read it (daily if He is in email contact, or weekly if you post it, or it could be the first thing you both share when you two get together).
2. Make a "rainy day box or envelope" - decorate it up nicely and put into it special things that remind you of your Master and warm your heart. Special messages from Him, little keepsakes, a shirt of His, a lock of His hair ... whatever works for you. Open it when you are feeling a bit blue and remember how special you are to Him. A former Master of my sub side sent me a nice photo of Himself and told me to choose my favourite playing card from a deck and paste His photo on the back and carry it in my purse. i chose the King of Hearts :-) i still have it even though He is no longer my Master ... it reminds me of a happy time and my current Master is more than secure enough not to have me destroy it. i don't carry it around any more though.
3. Spend time making things for Him - could be knitting Him a scarf, cooking His favourite meal or cake to freeze and take to Him or use whatever hobby or craft skills you may either already have or He would like you to acquire in which case maybe you will need to take a class for Him - why not scrapbook an album of photos of you to summarise your life so far? That way He gets to know you better and then will have something special of yours around when you are not there.
4. Send Him virtual flowers and a message from time to time - you will feel close to Him as you choose them and work out what to say.
5. Ask Him if He has any lifestyle goals for you. For example, does He want to monitor your diet, exercise, time on computer, sleeping patterns etc? Knowing that you are doing His will by being obedient to His goals for you can also keep you feeling connected.

Just a few ideas, hope they help!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 13

RE: Insecurities - 5/25/2007 6:42:50 AM

shyinini

Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

Good morning veronage...... you asked for advice. My advice and opinions come from knowledge of me, my insecurities, my baggage....all of which I will forever work on. My advice and opinions also come from knowledge imparted by my present Sir. If I say something you find unpleasant, do NOT take it personally for I do NOT know you or him or the whole situation. I am responding to your words.
I am also responding from my frame of reference. I am not a bottom. I am not interested in bdsm as that is our sexual expression of our D/s and I am not exploring anymore. Sir and I are working on a deep lasting relationship.

quote:

ORIGINAL: veronag

I am asking for advice on how to handle insecurities concerning my dom, and our relationship.
After reading the whole post, these are not insecurities concerning your dom, they are yours and how you perceive the relationship.

I am a very self assured person in every other aspect of my life.
Sometimes we think we are self assured and confident in all areas, but if we look and evaluate and reflect closer, there is a stream, a ribbon of insecurity through out. We just dont recognize it.

Even in the presence of my dom I am not ** plagued ** by these insecurities. But when I leave him, all these questioning feelings return.
The questioning feelings are ever present, you just recognize them more after you are with him. Do you want him to take care of them?

I should add that this is my first dom, I am not his only sub, and we live 2 hours apart.
I have not read your profile so I have no clue as to whether you are even interested in a poly situation. Or if you might realize that no matter what, a dom will have an alpha sub and a beta sub in his mind, if he has more than one. In other words he has preference for one sometimes more than another. You may be picking up on this and he doesnt realize it.

My advice...being new...never be a second sub. He cannot focus on you and teach you what you need to know about submission to him.
A dom should take full responsiblity for his sub, esp if she is new,esp if he owns her.
1. you are new
2. you are not his only sub
3. you live several hours apart
This is furtile ground for insecurity.

I know some of these feelings are due to the other sub. She has been with him longer, and sees him more often. Due to other responsabilities, I can only visit every 2 or 3 weeks, for a day or two; this never seems like enough time for me.
If you were number one, there would be enough time for you. But this was your choice. Maybe instigated by him without allowing you to have full knowledge that this would be difficult for you?

I also believe I might be more emotionally involved than he.
Females tend to be vested more emotionally than men do. Just our make up. Unless you are a left brained women. Left brained people tend to be more analytical and less emotional.
My advice.... TRY to take a step back and look with your head and mind and not your heart.

I realize some of this is due to my being new to the lifestyle, but this is driving me crazy (him too, I think).
Obviously you have communicated some of these concerns to h im? And his response might be? If it is"deal with it"...I suggest you move on and find someone willing to vest full attention to you and your newness and your wants and needs.
Do NOT ever whine your communication. Keep emotions at a low and speak facts. Doms do NOT like whining. Emotional women tend to whine.

I need to find a way to handle these feelings,
Only YOU can do this, not even your dom can help.

or to build my confidence in this relationship.
IMHO he might be the one to see your lack of confidence and do something from his end.... why is he not? If he is, what is he doing?
Do you have any contact with this other sub? Does he keep you seperated?
Are the 3 of you ever together? Is she "new" also?
Several things.... if she is new, she probably has the same concerns.
If she is not new, but has several years under her belt, why is she not mentoring you in some capacity?
Maybe you aught not to continue in this relationship?
I am not sure confidence can be regained..... I am NOT going to assume respect and trust are damaged, but maybe they have been?

Any ideas or advice will be greatly appreciated.

Good luck.... I hope I have asked enough questions to help you evaluate more self confidently.

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.

(in reply to veronag)

Post #: 14

RE: Insecurities - 5/25/2007 10:39:54 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

Hello veronag,

*Time* will be your friend here, though it may not seem that way at the moment. You may always find that your insecurities rise to the surface at times, even then, in this situation.

You're having to take quite a lot in at the same time which may mean you bounce from one insecurity to another in the times you're apart. It's easier to feel reassured when he's present, I imagine.

If you feel that you aren't *as good as* or *as important as* his other sub, perhaps it might help to think that you don't have to be, because you are different. You will bring him other things that only you can.

Do you think you would be able to ask about a few things that make you *special* to him, as you may be able to think of those things, and reassure yourself a little, when that *insecurity monster* begins to grow horns.

Small doses of reassurance are easier to give than having to shore up an extremely wobbly person.

He may not be as emotionally invested as you, but it's very difficult to measure those things and people don't mirror each other in that way.

Best wishes, agirl

(in reply to veronag)

Post #: 15

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