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RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/24/2007 6:44:16 PM   
Masque66


Posts: 185
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline 		I'm wondering what online fiction he read where behavior like that was considered acceptable for a new sub.  I'd like to know exactly what ropes he planned to show you.

Also, Faramir I agree that the natures of Doms are as complex as people.  But it's not hard to lump bad dom into one corner.  They all seem to have common threads.

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/25/2007 4:57:34 AM   
soultoshare


Posts: 519
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		  RUN!!!  RUN!!!  RUN!!!!

I was given this advice earlier.....i'm just passing it on......works here also!

m

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/25/2007 5:11:44 AM   
MistressNoName


Posts: 664
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: straponwings

That's exactly what he keeps talking about! He doesn't even care who! He just... wants to grab somebody! I tried to talk about it with him today and he said that he was a "training" dom and that it was my place to do as he told me, whether I want to or not. How do I politely tell him that I don't want to continue this? I think... we're expecting two different things. I want to explore the lifestyle and he wants to "teach" me the sex.



I don't think you have to worry about being polite. I don't think he is expending that much energy on your sensitivities. Not that you should be purposely rude or aggressive, just don't worry about how he perceives your behavior. I like LA's line. It's brief and to the point. I do hope, though, that you haven't given this fellow your address.

Be safe, not sorry.

MNN

(in reply to straponwings)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/25/2007 5:33:11 AM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion

Do you honestly think this guy was interested in tea service?


LOL....well he probably did want to see if she could soak his bag.


Omg. HeheheheheHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Perhaps he wanted her to serve him tea at the Y.

Now, to the OP, you did the proper thing. You recognized a possible problem and handled it as a mature thinking adult. Good job.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/25/2007 5:39:36 AM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: straponwings

he said that he was a "training" dom and that it was my place to do as he told me, whether I want to or not. How do I politely tell him that I don't want to continue this?


After "learning the ropes" from you, I have discoverd that I am a Domme. My most favorite activity is CBT. Would you come over and help me practice?

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to straponwings)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/25/2007 6:58:20 AM   
LadyCatie


Posts: 4
Joined: 8/17/2006
Status: offline 		When I discovered the Lifestyle, I immediately identified with the Dominant side of things.  However, my Mentor (who was also My trainer in almost all things) insisted that I do a turn as a submissive.  I have been a sub and a slave and and thankful I had the experience.  It has allowed Me to understand the needs of those I own or contract better.   I am the third type of Dominant described by Raven.  I definitely have needs and desires, but so does My property. 

I think, straponwings, that slaveish nailed it on the head - duuuuude needs a turn as the submissive.  

And a little cbt.

Maybe then he'd have a better respect for your position and needs.

Ultimately communication is the best thing.  If he's not willing to do that, then he's not the right material for a Dom.

But I also agree that the dog needs kicked in the hind end right out through your door.   If he starts to display stalker behaviour, call the police.  Immediately.

Just My two cents.

Lady Catie

(in reply to slaveish)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/25/2007 12:03:25 PM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline 		Sounds likes sharing and threesomes were not talked about ahead of time.  Any good Dom worth their salt should have taken time to find out what your limits were a head of time.  Does not sound like this was ever talked about between you two.

I get the impression he talked to his buddy about this before talking to you.  It should have been the other way around first.

There is a difference between being abusive and being stupid or ignorant.  I can't cast a judgement call on this one.  I don't know the dude.  However, it's clear he's not in reality in WTF he's doing.

It's not realistic to expect a submissive you have been playing with to jump up and do any damn thing one expects.   There's a difference between having a play partner and being involved in a 24/7 relationship.  In either case a Dom/Master should know what the limits of the sub/slave ahead of time.

I have no idea if being shared or if threesomes are a hard or soft limit in your mindset.  In either case, just a month of time together it's not realistic to attempt to test/push any limits.  Again, I don't think his mindset is in reality for whatever reasons.  You and him should be playing with activities that both you guys are comfortable with right now.  Working on building trust and communication and understanding..  

Blah.... what an idiot if you ask me..  




< Message edited by WhiplashSmile -- 5/25/2007 12:05:33 PM >

(in reply to Masque66)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/25/2007 12:36:24 PM   
MellowSir


Posts: 260
Joined: 4/17/2007
Status: offline 		That was failure to communicate on his part, some are poly some are not. His friends aren't yours yet when you've hardly known him that long. At a guess I'd say he's a swinger not a lifestyle dom, perhaps thinking he can command better than persuade a woman to swing with him? You were in the right to refuse. Let's not confuse sex with dominance.....

< Message edited by MellowSir -- 5/25/2007 12:39:11 PM >

(in reply to straponwings)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/25/2007 3:13:07 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: straponwings

How do I politely tell him that I don't want to continue this?
  "This isn't working for me and I've decided to end this. I'd appreciate it if you didn't contact me again. Goodbye <click>"

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to straponwings)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/25/2007 4:34:06 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline 		You were not wrong...there is no disrespect in the submissive articulating that she is uncomfortable with a particular scene...especially a shared sex scene. 

If you were not ready for such a scene, you were not ready.  "No" remains the ultimate safe word, and there are times when its use is appropriate.

Anyone who cannot grasp the concept of "No" is most assuredly no dominant.

quote:

ORIGINAL: straponwings

I'm new to the scene and have recently found a dom that's offered to show me the "ropes" as it were. In the beginning, I thought it was awesome, but the more I'm learning, the less I realize that he knows. Today, he was suppose to come visit and said that he wanted to bring a friend for me to "entertain". I've only even known -him- for about a month and I told him I really wasn't comfortable with "favoring" strangers, even if they are his friends at this point. His response was that it wasn't a matter of my comfort and so I told him no and I think he changed his mind about coming over because of my response. Who, if anyone, was in the wrong here? I accept criticism, but please don't be rude if you think I am.

(in reply to straponwings)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/25/2007 9:24:45 PM   
DominaSmartass


Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

  You are new to the lifestyle and this person knew that.  Showing you the ropes... yes he did... he showed you what a jerk some people can be in the lifestyle (or anywhere else).  He was not acting like a man with your best interest at heart.  I don't care what he was doing... right or wrong... in my book he was wrong to take a new lifestyler, act as if he was being kind to show her the ropes and abused the power of the Dom nic (in his case) and then subject her to exactly what he should have been protecting her from!
Lockit


Hmm...is it any wonder they go around slapping collars of protection on people? I sure wish it were easier to tell which collars of protection are authentic vs. the ones where they are only giving you the collar of protection in order to take advantage of you. Why does it all have to be so complicated?

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/26/2007 1:58:16 AM   
ennaozzie


Posts: 201
Joined: 5/9/2007
Status: offline 		I am so proud of the girls/boys answers on this thread, could not have said better what needed to be said than the answers here.

Straponwings - I hope you got a better understanding of things with the answers here, and i wish you all the best in your journey.

beanie


_____________________________

Never make someone your priority when you are only their option

If coffee hurts your eye's take the spoon out of the mug

(in reply to straponwings)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/26/2007 2:50:05 AM   
straponwings


Posts: 13
Joined: 5/15/2007
From: Raleigh, NC
Status: offline 		Yes, I really wanted to thank everyone for all the advice they've given me! If it weren't for it, I probably would have continued letting the "Dom" do as he wanted, assuming that it was alright, when it really isn't. I'm grateful that I found this site when I did, or else I might have been in a lot of trouble!

_____________________________

It's unlike me to look at boys when the girls are packing toys, I can dig that scene alright.

(in reply to ennaozzie)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/27/2007 10:05:55 AM   
WillowRain


Posts: 191
Joined: 6/18/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion

Do you honestly think this guy was interested in tea service?

No, from what she said it sounded like sexual service, but the post was me playing devil's advocate and asking for clarification. :)

(in reply to MstrssPassion)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/28/2007 2:38:33 AM   
azzmaster


Posts: 864
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline 		to some extent he's right and its not about ur comfort. thats if u accept hom as ur master. it sounds like he is taking advantage of ur newness, plenty of doms will show u the ropes. make sure u trust him or there is no joy in submitting

(in reply to MstrssPassion)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/28/2007 7:20:20 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		had a similar situation with one of my formers who thought it was fun to "entertain" his friends for the evening but he wasn't going to be in the room with me. i didn't like the idea of him not being there to make sure i was safe and immediately cancelled. 

you did the right thing. who knows what that dom and/or his friend had planned for you especially (from what i gather in your opening post) since it was going to happen at your place. it is about your comfort as well as safety.


_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to straponwings)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/28/2007 7:45:41 AM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline 		Maybe it is my age, but frankly i say screw the politeness and simply say "fuck off wanker"... then walk and never look back.

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci


(in reply to straponwings)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/29/2007 6:49:44 PM   
Kinkypupper


Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline 		Most of that answer really depends on the relationship the two of you have.


_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to straponwings)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/29/2007 9:23:43 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion

Do you honestly think this guy was interested in tea service?


ROFL, of course Passion.
He wanted her to serve tea and sandwiches.
She would be in the sandwich.

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to MstrssPassion)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Abusive Master or stubborn pet? - 5/30/2007 6:52:36 AM   
meticulousgirl


Posts: 969
Joined: 2/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

After only a month, it is definately within your right to tel him something isnt comfortable. If he cannot accept that, then you are better off without his visit. Honestly, when you are stil working out the dynamic in the relationship, assuming that everything you want wil be just fine with your new partner is absurd. If you cant be an adult about being told no, then you shouldnt be a Dom. Not every activity goes oever well with ever sub. Cookie cuttermolds of what you MUST have with a sub just sets you up for disappointment when someone doesnt fit your mold.
You were not wrong. If it dosnt make you comfortable, especialy early on, the it just doesnt happen.  In a good relationship, even later on if something doesnt sit well it should still be within someones rights to say so. But thats just my opinion.

DV


I have to agree with DV and what she said.  Your not going to be comfortable with everything that happens.  Limits are suppose to be pushed within reason of course but asking that of you when he knew before hand that it was a hard limit doesn't really say much for this guy in my opinion. 

There are things that still freak me out after being with the same Dom for four years now.  There are still times when I will say no to something, or stop to something and pray at the same time He doesn't find it disrespectful but mine is typically very understanding if the stop or no is within reason.  Those who have said it is a two way street are right, dead on infact and you especially being new and only being with this guy for a short time have  reason to say no or stop.   If you want to take it slow, if there are things you just dont want to do you are more than entitled to those feelings.  To me serving someone else sexually is a bit extreme in the beginning.  Four years after I first began I may fantasize about it but I'm not sure how I would react if it ever actually happened.

My advice to you is to take some time out and figure out what your hard limits are, write them down as they come to you, and along with that on a seperate piece of paper write down what you are willing to have pushed a little at a time.  Submission isn't easy for everyone and finding the right One for you will take some time.  My advice is to write those two lists out and respectfully give them to Him and see what He does or says.  If he cant accept it, then he's not respecting you and you need to walk away before you get hurt maybe not physically but emotionally. 

If he wants to sit down and discuss the limits with you that is more than normal.  If I had a sub bring a list to me like that I would want to know the reasoning behind the limits so that I could better understand however I would not push them unless I later on found out that those things or something similar had become an interest which can eventually happen trust me on that one. 

I wish you the best, good luck but dont accept something that you are just not comfortable with at all at this stage it could damage you emotionally and the effects will take a long time to get past, if He cant respect you, then you need to respectfully get out because it's not worth the hurt it will eventually cause.


(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 60
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