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DukeofStuff -> RE: sad today... (5/25/2007 5:40:45 AM)
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A comparison of styles.
Abuse
One of the hallmark differences between abusers and Masters(capital M) is security. Usually, an abuser wants to create a situation where the victim is left utterly unsure of everything, most especially of their own desires (cause if they were, who would WANT an abuser?) Abusers often deny personal responsibility for their own actions and the consequences of them. This is especially toxic to submissives who tend to look outside themselves for permission and approval. Chronic bad use (what does ab-use mean but being used poorly) where the victim, not the abuser, is at fault for stuff that the abuser chooses to make occur. (The classic "the stupid little crap girl was making me hit her, I mean, how much can a mother take, she was always asking me for food")
Not Abuse
Decent dominants generally strive to create the sort of situation where any given submissive has some idea that they can be content, and can predict they will be in future, and know what the dominant thinks of them. Masters especially hold out that they got some kind of clue, and that they have ironed out their own issues and can calmly say "oh, I did that, CAUSE there is no way you could MAKE me do that, if I did not choose to."
The case up for discussion this morning:
This sounds like abuser talk (or, perhaps, like the effect lots of abuser talk can have on a person over time)(What I must do however is put in a caveat that a relayed conversation is "hersay" and can be very bent from what it began as)
her 'master' is paraphrased ...
told to do whatever I want he doesn't give a shit anymore and won't be held responsible.
Denial of personal responsibility for the situation in his own House is a clear warning flags (if red is clear). Pity that he and she are not both switches, as a good test for abuse is to switch roles. "dear, I am going to treat you, as you have treated me, psychologically" (I am not saying dominants have to desire that, but usually a good dominant would not be afraid to be treated as they treat. "oh, hell, that;s not my kink, but at least I will be treated consistantly) An abusive snot would be aghast at the thought of suffereing the same abnegation of consent, destruction of self esteem, diminishment as a human being that he, she, or it so casually inflicts .. and voila, its likely that he-she-it runs in terror. Pity this frustrated poster appears to be a loyal, if badly distressed, submissive for someone who is not that interested in owning one for the long haul.
"not responsible". If a Master is not responsible, he just is not a Master. That is basic SM, BDSM, or D/s 101.
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