RiotGirl
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Ok i know i came on here with all my worries and fears and insecurities. Completely at a loss.
But its been resolved. Through a variety of ways. The first was i forced myself to stay open with him. When i got upset about something that left me "wondering" instead of holding it in, i spoke to him about it. In the most respectful and appropriate way i would ask him. He would answer with completely logic. And i realised that when i start to get upset i get emotional and logic fails me. Like this past weekend i wondered "why" i couldnt see him. And instead of getting upset and insecure about it. i told him how much i missed him and that when i miss him so much i just cant help but wonder. And he told me it was the time factor. And then logic flowed back. My daughters birthday party was all day, the next day he worked 12 hours and the day after that i had another job interview. So it was completely unfeasible.
So i've stayed open with him. And when the insecurities come to get me i try and sit and talk to myself. Which usually leads me to talking to him. (in some form or another)
Then i had two male friends who spoke to me with in 24 hours and both told me ALL My worst fears were true and that i needed to leave him. i was able to at first kind of "dive" into the converstation and really think about it. (Not fight the worries for once, but give in to them) And i found myself saying "But thats not all of it" And i started bringing up actions of his and stuff (to them). I'd say BUT THAT CANT Be true.. because look at this... Or what about this? And they wouldnt know.
But being able to give into it and look at it i was able to see how untrue it all was. How it was not the way thing were.
So i have found that just staying open with him instead of sucking my emotions in (because i feel like they would upset him) to just try and phrase them in the best wayposible, in a non attacking way. (cos i tend to attack when i'm upset)
Everyone has told me communication is the key. And i hadnt realised till now actually how badly i have communicated. i would go so far as to say i havent communicated with him at all. i have communicated with everyone else. But when it comes down to worries, fears, and insecurities i've been pretty tight lipped. And the problem comes in when it starts to build and build and build.
Brain storm - Why i have none of these issues when he is around. Because when he is around, i cant hide my feelings or my emotions or my upsets. Even if i try (which i usually do) He stops me. He stops everything and sits with me until i open my mouth and speak. Usually he pulls me on to his lap and asks me (over and and over if nessacary) "Whats wrong?"
Yet when he is away i can hide very effectively and speak to everyone else about whats wrong instead of him. Which is who i need to speak to. There for not resolving anything because they cant possibly know whats going on. Like he could.
So my issue i think is resolved.
IF I WOULD JUST BE OPEN WHEN I AM UPSET about something and speak to him appropriately.. all will be well.
It like literally kills my insecurities. 2 months ago if it was late at night and he wasnt home (which he USUALLY is) i would freak out. i would wonder, i would worry and all my insecurites would flood back. And then i'd be upset and i would close up on him. And it would build and build because i wasnt talking to him and then i'd BE EVEN MORE UPSET because i was closed up to him and that's hard for me. I'd be hurting me as well. To seperate myself from him was killing me.
But back to the point. The other night i had no clue where he was. But i was okay. Yeah it stunk as i had been looking forward to hearing his voice all day, but the insecurities were gone. As were the fears and the worries.
And so i just finally want to say.
My faith is back
and i believe in him.
i believe in the fact that he wouldnt ever do me wrong.
And i am not worried nor scared.
OH and by the way : One of the ways i KNOW that i'm right, is because i havent seen him in a week and i have no issues with fears and insecurities. (which about this time is when they usually start creeping back. AND i even went ALL day (one day) with out talking to him, which USUALLY drives me insane)
< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 5/17/2005 1:36:11 PM >
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