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RE: at a loss - 6/11/2007 9:29:10 PM

velvetears

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Not sure if you are saying that the talk you had led him to tell you he's not happy about the relationship he has with you and wants out. If this is the case and what you mean than my suggestion would be he's overwhelmed by the whole change having a new baby brings to a relationship and is scared. Yoy sound like you are afraid as well, and rightly so - new baby, still healing and hormones not back to normal, your life is now diapers, night feedings, and tending to a baby (they are very demanding and their needs cannot be overlooked). Maybe what you both need is a weekend, if you can swing it, away together, without the baby.

Worste thing you could do now is panic and get angry at him. Let him express his feelings i have a hunch the more receptive you are, and willing to listen and hear him out, the more relaxed he will become. There's so much focus on the changes a woman goes through and what she needs after a baby is born but not much thought is given to the male, who is generally less verbal about his needs.

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RE: at a loss - 6/13/2007 11:54:37 AM

SirCache

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My wife and I had a daughter 3 years ago, and yeah--it changes everything. The first couple of months are the absolute hardest because your entire routine is thrown out the door and this other person demands everything and gives nothing in return. I would urge some patience. It takes a little time to figure out emotionally that you are still together and that you can make this work.

If you really are afraid you might lose him, though, definitely seek some counselling. Kids are hard on relationships--but please believe me, it does get better. The first few months are the worst, but once you get the routine down, you'll find whole new ways to explore and get to know one another. For example, my wife recently told me that she always admired my strenth and my kindness, but she was surprised to learn how devoted I was when I would get up several times a night with the baby because she needed rest--even though I had to work the next day. Give yourselves the time and the opportunity to learn even more about one another.

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RE: at a loss - 6/14/2007 6:20:48 PM

HypnoticDan

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Hello.

I'm hearing a lot of anxiety in your writing. One thing I've learned in the past is that my emotional state directly affects both the dynamic of a relationship and the *interpretation* of that dynamic. For example, you wrote that you are just waiting to hear him say that he is through with you. That look on his face could be there because he loves you more than ever and wants nothing but the best for both you and the child, he just doesn't know how to go about it yet.

Therapy, counseling, doctors, talking with your SO... these are all excellent ideas. I'd like to add to that and suggest a little mantra. Whenever you feel the need, I want you to close your eyes, put on a smile (even if you don't feel it), and take five slow, deep breaths.
On the first breath, think (or say aloud) "I love my parter, I love my baby, I love myself."
On the second, "Together, we are working through this."
On the third, "Things are better today than they were yesterday."
On the fourth, "They will be even better tomorrow."

Before you realize, it will come to pass.

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RE: at a loss - 6/17/2007 3:11:36 PM

FLMaster1958

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Oh Oh Lucy, What happened. You said you were in real danger of losing him now. Please explain.

I have been reading through this thread, and seen many points of view. You may be still somewhat affected by Post Partum and somethings are to be expected. It scares you, but you belong to him. He is the one with the responsibility for your well being. Give it time.

But, this is likely not just a one talk thing. You are going to have to talk, and talk, and talk. (Yes people, I do believe a slave should talk to it's Master). Especially a sub to a Dom.

Part of the understanding of an Owner is that this may happen. Women are made to breed babies. Sometimes, no matter what you try, it happens anyway, unless physically impossible.

The Owner took you for a reason. Like before, if it is just kinky play, then it can go to hell easily. If a real M/s relationship or a deep D/s one, then he has responsibilites just as you have. Both to the baby and you. And for your full care, you need the treatment you had before.

Talk, give it time, and keep talking. Then if it ends, it is for the best. I certainly hope for your sake it does not. If this is an M/s relationship, you are owned, You may have to accept a life without much of the earlier treatment. But you still have him. Otherwise, you need more and different from him. Given time, you will either work it out, or you will accept this. .and be ready to leave.

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RE: at a loss - 6/18/2007 12:31:02 AM

lucyinthesky

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It's been a few days... before i begin; thank you everyone for your words, advice and well wishes. it all means alot.

still takeing adavan, still talking. and im afraid i've discoverd something about myself that earlier, gave me reason to beg pardon most seriously of him.    ive always been a senstive person, i dont mean the kind you poke and there skin breaks out, i mean loud noise, lots of people and i break down before to much time passes, i didnt think abuse would do that but apparently thats a factor in what ive found.
..i dont like discovering this about myself...i really dont but in learning this about myself i guess..its for a reason.    ive come to the realisation that alot of what is causing my overloaded nerves and strengthening desier to caress and stare at my sewing scissors like a fond old friend may just infact Be the very little girl that i would give my life to protect...    im not a mommy person.
im honestly..not what i always thought i would be, the perfect martha stewert white picked fense woman, the kind of mother i always admired, pro active in education, discipline (not this no no mommy dosnt like that kind but the swat to the rear because childrens ears are sometimes on there behind; kind) ..i have no problem doing things she needs and i can clearly understand and solve. diapers dont bother me (even the foulest), bottles, batheing.   but the mintue she needs that kind of patting, cuddling holding love...i just want to ball up and cry..and worst of all is the feeling sometimes of just wanting to chuck her at the nearest person and say, "she's clean, she's fed she wont freaking shut up!"
...i used to volenteer at my V.B.C. during the summer...i helped the little kids sell ice cream and raise funds for trips to the pool, the movies or D.Q.   ...i've been an active volenteer at the animal shelter, and even the preschool attached to my hometowns highschool.    .... even just thinking over this...no mater how true it rings...every time i work over trying to accept it and calm down, i cant help but think... how can anyone love a monster.. how can anyone want to even Speak to me..
.... i laid down and had this beautifulll little girl and now honestly..i forget she's there sometimes, and when im reminded...the first thing i feel is this terrifying upset angry ..something.    and it Wont get better... children are the taxes that we dont get a refund on..   my mom was so proude one day to come home with a bumper sticker when i was in middle school "having children is like being pecked to death by chickens" ...then i laughed and shook my head at what i thought a rediculous insult...
now i completely understand it, and it makes me feel all the worse...because my mother was a True monster.. and i think if it wherent for my other halfs mother staying with us still, (and now takeing care of claudi almost exclusively for the second week) ...i would be on a fast road to breaking her record for evil deeds..

...my other half has confessed earlier today, that though he Dose feel love for her..he gets really upset and angry too... i didnt know he got angry too.. i feel really bad now for being so selfish earlier.... i really messed up both our lives.. and now there no longer ours. and he feels just as responsible...  ..i think where both on the same page at least now.. the only problem seems to be, that same page, is one with a gient question mark..  this is beyond frightening..and so far past confusionville i dont think even i have a map....

at this point..i dont even know if our considering weather our relationship is d/s or m/s/ even comes into it... he reminds me constently im his and he loves me, and yet...he's also confessed that, given the choice he'd go with her.. twice in fact during two spectacular...discussions i guess they could be called...   loud ones.   ...i've never cried so hard in just one day of my life.. its like..i lose no matter what i do..i loose him, i never had her..and i dont want her...i hate me for resenting her.. and yet its my fault...it was my responsibility and i fould up ..how can i accept the danger i present to her.. she dosnt deserve a mother with hate and ugliness... she deserves so danm much better...

< Message edited by lucyinthesky -- 6/18/2007 12:37:24 AM >

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RE: at a loss - 6/18/2007 1:00:03 AM

spankmepink11

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Lucy, please get some help.
It's not terribly uncommon to feel many of these things post partum , and some women suffer it much more severely than others. I'm not a huge advocate of medicating every problem but sometimes, it's needed , along with counseling and or therapy. Just know that you aren't alone. One of the main symptoms of post partum depression are Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, especially failure at motherhood.

Best of luck

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RE: at a loss - 6/18/2007 10:29:15 AM

DerMeister

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Wow, upon reading this I can only hope that you'll stay the course and try to work things out. Now, don't get me wrong because I'm terribly new to the D/s scene, but I feel that perhaps you should try to identify the two worlds your lives now encompass. There's your D/s world which you both(?) need on a personal level but now there is an even greater call for attention to your Real Life world (no disrespect intended) and the needs of your family. Keep up the good work!

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Smile because it happened!

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RE: at a loss - 6/18/2007 12:27:43 PM

Leonidas

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Breathe. Sometimes that's all you can do well. Start there.

Look, you're on the old hormone express, and sometimes the best thing you can do is just remain seated with your hands inside the vehicle at all times. Screaming optional. If you don't feel like you are in a state of mind to make good choices, you probably aren't, so cut yourself some slack and don't make any until that feeling passes. I know it doesn't seem like it will right now, but it will. When it does, things won't look nearly as hopeless as they do right now, and you'll be able to take a look at your situation and where you'd like to go from here with a bit more perspective.

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RE: at a loss - 6/18/2007 4:41:24 PM

Celeste43

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Lucy, call your doctor stat. What you're describing is severe post partum depression. Your life is totally out of your hands and of course you resent this. Your feelings are normal and natural.

I remember pushing the damn carriage outside all day but the moment I stopped and sat down she would start to cry. The absolute exhaustion and constant neediness was overwhelming.

Once she's about 15 pounds she will sleep for longer stretches of time and that by itself will be most helpful. Sleep deprivation is used by interrogators to break people down, new mothers suffer from this and yet are expected to cope beautifully.

When your mother in law, or your husband is on baby duty, get rest. Put in earplugs so you can sleep. He can change a diaper and sing lullabies just as well as you. You are not expected to be supermom. Even if you can't sleep lie in bed and read a book.

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RE: at a loss - 6/19/2007 12:52:33 AM

Aswad

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

Lucy, call your doctor stat.

Indeed. Call the doctor now.

A doctor sounds like a very good idea.

The writing is progressively losing cohesion.

This, so shortly after a birth, indicates a doctor is in order. Today.

PPD isn't the only concern.

quote:

Put in earplugs so you can sleep. He can change a diaper and sing lullabies just as well as you.

Excellent advice.

I usually have earplugs handy for various reasons.

Whenever my friends end up with kids, I tend to hand a few over to them.

The men "get it" about the earplugs, usually, while the women are often very skeptical of the idea that someone else might be able to take care of their baby for a little while. The thought that sleep deprivation is infinitely more likely to compromise that care never seems to occur to them until I explain it. For the third time or so.

First rule of helping others: If you don't help yourself, you can't help anyone else either.

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"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.

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RE: at a loss - 6/19/2007 5:34:45 AM

Stephann

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lucy,

What they said. First do what Leonidas instructed you. Then follow the rest and call your doctor. You're normal, things will balance out, but you (and thus, the mother of your child) need the assistance of people face to face to help guide you through this. Please, please, please call your doctor.

Stephan

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Men: Find a Woman here

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RE: at a loss - 6/19/2007 6:03:05 AM

NControlofU

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You're young, you have a brand new baby, you are in a new chapter of your life, your adjusting to being a new mom and your man is adjusting to being a new dad, its stressfull. Talk with your man about what your feeling and ask him what hes feeling and and give things time. Your baby isn't even a month old? It took my slave a four months just to get her body, hormones, and emotions settled down into a pre-baby stable state. When your young time seems to be a lot longer than it really is and things can seem like they are taking forever. Be patient. Also having his mother living with you will definitely be a reason for things to feel different. Believe me. I know. The past 5months have been very different for me and my slave. We had to move in with my mother to care for her and it has been extremely stressful for my slave and for me. In addition to dealing with her health issues and taking care of her we also can't live the way we were used to while we are in the company of my mother. She's still my slave and still serves me but not quite the way she did when we were in our own place. This is temporary and things will settle back to normal when this is behind us. Also we take every opportunity to get away and have some time to ourselves. Talk to your man. The two of you can figure this out.

quote:

ORIGINAL: lucyinthesky

his mother is staying with us for a while untill where settled, or as settled as she thinks we need to be. ive been eternaly greatfull for her help just thus far, she's been helping me deal with her case of thrush, and the diaper rash that came up, i had no idea that three weeks was a long enough time already for her to develope Anything.. mabye it would be best for us if we let her watch her for the day and we sat out on the pourch and talked.. or mabye we do need couples therapy. ...it is terrifying, suddenly realising your chapter has closed to open on a brand new book, mahap im approaching and talking to him all wrong?...im not a male, i dont know how men think but, ...aside from father and husband.. i would like my lover and my Sir back..very ...very much so

thank you, earthycouple, luckyalbatross, masque66

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RE: at a loss - 6/19/2007 7:09:20 AM

amuzingtoyou

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lucyinthesky,

it is very common after having an unmentionable to suffer from post partum depression. My advice would be to talk to your ob/gyne. If you have even had a thought for one moment of hurting your baby, you need to get professional help. It is normal to have feelings of anger at this new creature who has invaded your life. Also after your last post, you mentioned that you have always been senstitive to noises and alot of people. There is a very real condition out there called sensory integration disorder/dysfunction. This is something usually discovered in childhood, but i have known some adults with it that they just sort of managed with it throughout the years. But it is a very real condition. You might want to look at that as well because it can be contributing to your situation.
Good luck
missi

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