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PairOfDimes -> RE: Someone new who wants to learn (5/27/2007 8:43:32 AM)
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Yes, most dominants become less awkward and more improved as they grow. I know I have done. When I experienced a significant professional success, I became more confident in all areas of my life, including as a BDSM dominant. I've become more confident and better as a top and sadist as I've played more and improved my precision. I tie my confidence to things verifiable. If I can succeed in accuracy games with my whip, then I feel good about my capacity to use it. If I've been invested with significant authority in my professional life, I must be somewhat competent and thus, the kind of person who is capable of leading others (i.e. dominating). I seem to recall that my approach of knowledge=confidence is some part of my Myers-Briggs type, and thus it's an individual personality thing and may not work for you, but it's worth a try. Generally, get better at self-persuasion--especially when I was new, I found it helpful to give myself a "pep talk" pre-scene about how wonderful and smart and sexy I was, and how it's okay for women to run things, even when there are men involved who aren't running things, and how I'm not a tool of the patriarchy if I'm hurting other women.
So that answers most of your questions. But you asked whether there were dominants who didn't know what to do? I'm sorry, I don't remember experiencing that. I know that I've been unsure about, say, how to establish sexy authority, or how to create specific, narrow pain, but I had identified that that was what I wanted to do--I just needed to learn how to do it. If you don't know what to do, go back to those scary fantasies, and think about what you fantasize about doing, then try to integrate that into interactions with a real, live person.
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