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what to do?? - 5/25/2007 9:43:24 PM   
stateira


Posts: 48
Joined: 12/19/2006
Status: offline 		My Master and I had an argument...something small and really nothing to be very upset about in my opinion.  However, my opinion doesn't matter.  He got upset and has been upset with me since this afternoon. The argument was both of our faults but I have taken responsibility and apologized several times.  I even went out and bought him a CD he's been wanting for a really long time.  He won't accept my apologies though, and I don't know what else to do.  I asked him what else he wanted me to do and he wouldn't answer me.   What else can I do to help him forgive me?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: what to do?? - 5/25/2007 9:46:11 PM   
HutchGarahl


Posts: 562
Joined: 1/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stateira

My Master and I had an argument...something small and really nothing to be very upset about in my opinion.  However, my opinion doesn't matter.  He got upset and has been upset with me since this afternoon. The argument was both of our faults but I have taken responsibility and apologized several times.  I even went out and bought him a CD he's been wanting for a really long time.  He won't accept my apologies though, and I don't know what else to do.  I asked him what else he wanted me to do and he wouldn't answer me.   What else can I do to help him forgive me?


You argued, you apologized and have tried to make amends...now it falls on him. Give him a day or two and try to talk. If he still doesn't, he's an ass. Sorry if that offends..but it's my opinion.

(in reply to stateira)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: what to do?? - 5/25/2007 9:51:02 PM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline 		Greetings stateira,
There is nothing else you can do...you begged for forgiveness and tried to make amends but it is up to the Master to accept your forgiveness and deal with his emotions. Remember which side of the kneel you are on... anything else could be considered manipulation~
      j

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to stateira)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: what to do?? - 5/25/2007 9:53:37 PM   
minnetar


Posts: 1272
Joined: 4/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dawntreader

Greetings stateira,
There is nothing else you can do...you begged for forgiveness and tried to make amends but it is up to the Master to accept your forgiveness and deal with his emotions. Remember which side of the kneel you are on... anything else could be considered manipulation~
      j


That is a beautiful response and something i will try to constantly remind myself of. 

thanks!!

minnetar

(in reply to dawntreader)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: what to do?? - 5/25/2007 9:55:28 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		Be available.  You don't want to press the issue any more than you already have (and you've seen where THAT gets you).  You've done all the vocalizing you need to.

Be present, but not intrusive.  Finding a position you think he will like (for instance, kneeling), then staring at him might not be the best thing.  But be 'nearby'.

Just a thought.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to stateira)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: what to do?? - 5/25/2007 10:58:29 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stateira

My Master and I had an argument...something small and really nothing to be very upset about in my opinion.  However, my opinion doesn't matter.  He got upset and has been upset with me since this afternoon. The argument was both of our faults but I have taken responsibility and apologized several times.  I even went out and bought him a CD he's been wanting for a really long time.  He won't accept my apologies though, and I don't know what else to do.  I asked him what else he wanted me to do and he wouldn't answer me.   What else can I do to help him forgive me?


First of all, are you sorry or are you saying it to make the problem go away? I tend to apologize all too often to make whatever is happening stop. I am trying to not do this anymore. My Daddy does not like apologies, he does not like hearing "I will try harder", and I tend not to tell him I am sorry as much as I used to... perhaps he is not accepting your apology because he feels it is insincere? If there is some part of you that feels you were right your apology is indeed insincere

quote:

...something small and really nothing to be very upset about in my opinion. 


Even though you followed this statement with your opinion does not matter, it does indeed matter. If it did not matter I am assuming your dominant would not still be upset that your opinion caused you to argue...

Each dynamic is different. I can argue about many things with him, but there are other things that I am learning that it just does not pay to argue about... he does indeed decide what these things are.

If I were in your position I would rethink what motivated your apology.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to stateira)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: what to do?? - 5/25/2007 11:22:17 PM   
aldompdx


Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline 		Do nothing. His feelings are his responsibility, just as your feelings are your responsibility. Your effort to "heal" him may be an intrusion, and enhance his negative disposition. Your effort to "bribe" him may be construed that love, feelings, relationship, and intimacy can actually be purchased. Show him your strength and confidence of unconditional love -- not shame, guilt, and emotional dependence (that is taking, not giving). Only you need to forgive yourself. When you forgive yourself and let it go, chances are good that he will, too. If he can't, then he needs to grow up.

Your opinion does matter. The ultimate opinion is a hard limit. Aware interaction in the context of an alternative lifestyle DEMANDS that you express your ultimate opinions. Everybody has limits, and opinions, that must be respected and not violated.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: what to do?? - 5/26/2007 3:20:43 AM   
CDOM3


Posts: 15
Joined: 2/22/2007
Status: offline 		This is just a guess but you said the arguement 'in your opinion' was small.
My first thought is that in His opinion, it is NOT small. You may have touched on a subject that is sensative to Him and you simply did not know.
Or it could simply be that you would argue with Him.
In either event, it is His responsibility to either let you know what upset Him or to clairify what He considers an 'arguement' vs your opinion.
Open, honest communication is the very foundation of a safe and secure M/s relationship. It is His responsibility to lay and build that foundation.
Make yourself available but do not intrude.  

(in reply to stateira)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: what to do?? - 5/26/2007 4:36:31 AM   
LeatherBentOne


Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline 		To OP:

Back off. 

Ive found nothing is more destructive to my relationships than feeling Im being backed in a corner.  He needs time to think and sort out his feelings in a quiet and unintrusive environment.  That's all you can do to help the situation for the time being.  Doing anymore than this might feel like he is surrounded by a pushy, needy submissive and a manipulativeone who expects him to cave in when its convenient to her, and not him.  For me, I take longer to come around because of the very reaction you had because I feel smothered, and in order to maintain my dominance, I step back from a submissive's attempts to bring me around.  Right or wrong, thats what happens.

Give him time and space.  He may come around sooner.  Hopefully, he will then be willing to better communicate with you, but remember that to encourage him to do so, you must choose your words as to not make it sound like you are judging him.  I suggest you use the "I feel" preamble rather than the "I think or In my opinion" preamble to encourage him to share his feeling with you, also.  Dominants have feelings, too. 

Good luck and I dont see his response as a problem provided he opens up within a day or two, maybe three.  In that time, come up with some ideas on how you can encourage him to communicate when he does come around.  Not in "your" time, but in his.

LBO

(in reply to CDOM3)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: what to do?? - 5/26/2007 4:51:30 AM   
Dane


Posts: 25
Joined: 5/12/2007
Status: offline 		Greetings stateira,

1. The argument may have been over a trivial matter or it may have been non-trivial for him. If he told you it was trivial, then you'd have the answer.

2. Many men simply need time to cool off. Backing away a little and letting him putter around on his own is not a bad idea at all. Be aware of anything he may need, and bring it to him without a fuss or discussion. Be quiet and useful.

3. If he consistently gets this upset over really small things, he may be an ass indeed -- or he may have emotional problems, or something else on his mind that's making him oversensitive. Look for trends over time, but don't dwell on a single instance. If something is not making sense and you see it getting worse over time, I would suggest you both speak to a counselor, or a mentor within your community, or see a medical doctor to rule out things like high blood pressure or sleep apnea or depression.

4. Find something of your own to do while he isn't talking to you. It's upsetting, but you can't force someone to speak to you and trying to push them into it will make it worse.

I hope this helps in some way.
Dane

(in reply to LeatherBentOne)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: what to do?? - 5/26/2007 5:01:59 AM   
BrutalMasterOne


Posts: 53
Joined: 4/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stateira

My Master and I had an argument...something small and really nothing to be very upset about in my opinion.  However, my opinion doesn't matter.  He got upset and has been upset with me since this afternoon. The argument was both of our faults but I have taken responsibility and apologized several times.  I even went out and bought him a CD he's been wanting for a really long time.  He won't accept my apologies though, and I don't know what else to do.  I asked him what else he wanted me to do and he wouldn't answer me.   What else can I do to help him forgive me?

I am new here, and so, I thought it might be helpful to look at the profile of the poster. Guess what I found?
quote:

I am happy, I am stable, and I am not interested in being stolen from a Master I am happy with because you think you can do better.  I can guarantee you that if you are bold enough to come to a slave behind her Master's back and tell her you could do better, you couldn't.  At least not as far as I'm concerned. 

Now it would seem that perhaps things are not quite as stable as indicated? As a lurker I have noticed some things here. Many seem to have short term "relationships" and many "Masters" are not that at all. If he won't answer you, then obviously the fault is not with you, but rather with him. Is he pouting like a little boy? Is he being passive/agressive? Whatever inaction is an answer in and of itself. At least that is my two cents worth.

(in reply to stateira)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: what to do?? - 5/26/2007 6:22:03 AM   
adoracat


Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BrutalMasterOne

quote:

I am new here, and so, I thought it might be helpful to look at the profile of the poster. Guess what I found?
quote:

I am happy, I am stable, and I am not interested in being stolen from a Master I am happy with because you think you can do better.  I can guarantee you that if you are bold enough to come to a slave behind her Master's back and tell her you could do better, you couldn't.  At least not as far as I'm concerned. 

Now it would seem that perhaps things are not quite as stable as indicated? As a lurker I have noticed some things here. Many seem to have short term "relationships" and many "Masters" are not that at all. If he won't answer you, then obviously the fault is not with you, but rather with him. Is he pouting like a little boy? Is he being passive/agressive? Whatever inaction is an answer in and of itself. At least that is my two cents worth.


i'll gently disagree.  :)

i've no issues with my Sir, and i would absolutely put the same sort of thing in my profile.  why?  because for a while there, i was getting 4-5 messages a day from Dominants who would tell me things like "well, when this breaks up, come to me"   "when your status changes again, come to me"   "you know this isnt going to last, you know you're going to want a REAL Dom, message me when you're done playing".

as always, my personal milage may vary from yours.

kitten

(in reply to BrutalMasterOne)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: what to do?? - 5/26/2007 6:24:50 AM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		Just a thought here, doll....but.. how do you think he would feel about you bringing his personal issues with you to a public forum for debate?

I am guessing that it would not go over well...

Good luck.

_____________________________

We must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom...... The Simpsons

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." ...Ambrose Bierce

"Don't you oppress me!"....Stan/Loretta

(in reply to stateira)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: what to do?? - 5/26/2007 8:30:14 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		It was a tiff that you both contributed to.  Stop trying to be the peace maker and erase it all- it's good that you apologized, but as Julia said, are you working on what caused the initial argument to start with? 

Secondly, HE has to work it out with him and make amends as well.  He contributed to the fight and needs to see his part and how to work on better behavior in the future also.

And the buying the CD thing- what's up with that?  It reeks of desparate measures and that's not going to help anyone in the long term and I shudder to think what you'll do when a REAL serious fight comes along and you try and think of what to "give him" then?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to puella)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: what to do?? - 5/26/2007 10:53:06 AM   
stateira


Posts: 48
Joined: 12/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

And the buying the CD thing- what's up with that?  It reeks of desparate measures and that's not going to help anyone in the long term and I shudder to think what you'll do when a REAL serious fight comes along and you try and think of what to "give him" then?


the CD wasn't meant to be a desperate measure...I just thought it would make him happy because it was something he wanted.  We've already had a "Real serious fight" and I didn't try to "give him" anything. I was just trying to make him happy.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: what to do?? - 5/26/2007 12:15:44 PM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stateira

quote:

And the buying the CD thing- what's up with that?  It reeks of desparate measures and that's not going to help anyone in the long term and I shudder to think what you'll do when a REAL serious fight comes along and you try and think of what to "give him" then?


the CD wasn't meant to be a desperate measure...I just thought it would make him happy because it was something he wanted.  We've already had a "Real serious fight" and I didn't try to "give him" anything. I was just trying to make him happy.


As being a reciever of such gifts in the past, I'm going to toss my two cents worth in here.  Believe me I totally understand that you had the best intentions behind buying this CD.  However, there was a time in my life when I would have resented it.  I've grown as a person since those days, however your post is screaming of my own past.

Sure, you apologized for your own behavior however he may be feeling bad about how he managed the disagreement.  He simply may not feel worthy of recieving a gift or even love from you at the moment.  Yeah, call this fucked up as it may sound. He might be in the middle of working out his own issues from the fight, call it self guilt or whatever else.  He might feel that you are kissing his ass too much.  Meaning, yes it's nice to acknowledge your role in the argument however he might feel like you are ignoring or overlooking the role he had.   Probally the last thing he wants to see is this CD to appear in front of himself!  He might feel he's not worthy of it, and that you are kissing his ass now.   In short, any us Domly Dom Men when we are in the middle of working out our own Guilt we hate having somebody especially our submissive/slaves let us off the hook so easy!  Hell, we have not let ourselves off the Hook yet! 

This is a sort of Paradox, I know!   Yes, you bought him that CD because you want to make it up to him.  However, he might be willing to let you make it up to him yet.  Hell, like I said he might not be accepting of it because he found his own behavior unacceptable.  He might be in the middle of dealing with himself.   Us Domly Doms tend to haul ourselves mentally out back behind the woodshed and beat ourselves up with punishment for our own actions.  Face it, us Domly Doms are experts when it comes to Discipline and punishments.   Once we're done with ourselves, we tend to come apologize for our own actions.

I would recommend, in the future you keep things simple and not bring gifts into the middle of making up.  Not until after your Master has had a chance to mentally deal with his own actions.  Any time a master apologizes to you, then go buy that CD or whatever it is.  Not before then... Trust me.

I can honestly say, I've reached a point in life where I am accepting of gifts now without being resentful of them.  However, when I was younger I did tend to feel somewhat resentful in what I used to call "Slap me in the face Gifts".   Us Domly Dom types also hate praise when we feel we've done a shitty job, Use Domly Doms hate gifts when we feel we don't deserve them as well.

You should make it a point to buy gifts when things are going great between you two!  

Warning:  this CD may become a touchstone or reminder to his own guilt and shame over what happened.  5 monthes from now he might reach to pop in the CD to play it, and he might think back to why he recieved this gift from you!  You have to keep in the mind the kind of memories associated with Any Gift you buy anybody. 

Like I said, if he's apologized to you.. or after he's done working out issues surrounding the fight.  The coast is clear to buy him that CD.   On the other hand.. it could be a good thing as well.   He might look back on what happened and feel stupid about how poorly he reacted recieving this gift.  MMmm.. I know I had a bitch of time going through my own things.. made me see how I being selfish in my own Self Guilt and Shame that I was unwilling/unaccepting to recieve gifts from somebody who loved me...   LOL...   Again it's a sort of Paradox.

One thing is for certain, you need to give him his own space in working things out in his own mind after a fight.  Just make certain he knows you love him.  Also give gifts out of the Blue when things are that the BEST between you, and not after fights. This will help balance things out.

Whew... Yes, us Domly Dom Masters can be Quirky animals at times.  I'm just sharing things from my own life experiences, and my own stupid past hang ups or issues.   That was then and this is now.  So, I don't feel so ashamed in admitting in where my mindset really was back in those days.  LOL...

(in reply to stateira)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: what to do?? - 5/26/2007 12:57:44 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: stateira

He won't accept my apologies though, and I don't know what else to do.  I asked him what else he wanted me to do and he wouldn't answer me.  


<sigh> Ain't passive agressive behavior grand?

At this point, I would just give him his room. You can't make somebody communicate if they don't want to.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to stateira)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: what to do?? - 5/26/2007 2:33:25 PM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		OK so you had an argument and he's not ready to talk on YOUR scheduel.
Most often I have found arguments are more based on the people needing to be right more than they need to find the solution.
Personally my anger over an argument is usually based on the tone getting out of hand.

It's been a couple hours the man is still processing what happened and what road needs to be taken to keep it from happening again.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: what to do?? - 5/26/2007 3:32:50 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		Always stop at the apology...and await the verdict...never press for the resolution you desire....wait.......wait.....wait.....believe me the other shoe will eventually drop..then your closure can begin, in HIS time frame.Whilst in waiting mode carry on calmly , do your everyday things...or even, since you are in wait mode and anxiety set in...go get a pedicure or something to help relax..I generally go for a good book to read for distraction....Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to Archer)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: what to do?? - 5/26/2007 4:46:00 PM   
kc692


Posts: 3701
Joined: 3/24/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dawntreader

Greetings stateira,
There is nothing else you can do...you begged for forgiveness and tried to make amends but it is up to the Master to accept your forgiveness and deal with his emotions. Remember which side of the kneel you are on... anything else could be considered manipulation~
      j


Wonderful, wonderful answer!!!!

_____________________________

Anyone can overpower; not many can INSPIRE.....

This is only MY opinion. If it's not yours, let's agree in advance to agree to disagree, OR, you can just get the fuck over what I had to say:)

(in reply to dawntreader)
Profile   Post #: 20
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