Termyn8or
Posts: 18681
Joined: 11/12/2005
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This drained me psychologically, but I feel useful. A couple I know, not married but been together a couple of years, were having a big argument and almost broke up. I fixed that, at least for now. I don't want to blow my own horn too much, but I blew Dr Keith and Dr Phil's doors off.
I wish I had the audio of what transpired, for reference. They are both very insecure, but do not act insecure, at least on the surface. After some time I got to know them and they have both been really fucked over in life. They are having a hard time trusting. For her, every little white lie is evidence of cheating, and I know he isn't. So he wants revenge so he starts on her.
That was a bit difficult to defuse. For example, she calls and wants to know where he is. There are some places she doesn't like him to go to. Mainly places with partyers. They have countless arguments about it, and when he uses a little white lie it fuels her insecurity. In turn, although a bit out of character she will go to the bar. She doesn't pick up guys or anything, but he doesn't like her being there. This situation escalates until they are ready to break up for good. But that never happens.
So we have a never ending cycle and two people who are fucking miserable. They do love each other, I can tell. Actually I wish I could find someone to love like that and keep coming back for more after all the shit.
So we went from a situation where his phone is on her account, so she took it. She shows up, it is his birthday, and he is my nextdoor neighbor. She didn't know if he was home, and we were talking on the porch, he walks out the house and heads up the street. They don't argue very well. He comes back from the store with his pack of cigarettes and is ignoring her, so she goes to leave. He talks to her at the car window. She leaves anyway, figuring he is pissed, fukit.
He uses my phone to call her. It is not going well. I said loudly "Get down here and get up here" (I live upstairs). She came. Really, I should've been making $60 an hour, but they are friends. Many things were discussed. The supposed flirting, the supposed whatever, and each time I saw how they escalated. The fact of the matter is that when they get a bit of angst, their psyche retracts into itself, it is like they become unaware of each other. Typical actually.
It all comes down to trust, the issues dicussed include an old boyfriend of her's calling. He had to realize that it was not her dialing the phone. She needed to realize that if she calls and he is at the bar, he is either bowling or shooting pool, he doesn't even drink, and I mean at all. He actually quit. She stopped, but drinks occasionally.
Neither one of them has a substance abuse problem, it is their .............I dunno, just how they are. Both of them have been fucked over in life, and I think overall he got shafted a bit worse, but she hasn't had a great ride either. She is more insecure than he, but being a Woman that is not unusual, both of them coming out of very bad divorces.
As I have turned to her in the past and said "What is the evidence ?", I today turned to him and asked the same. He didn't have much to say. This was to defuse the anxiety, which is a result of their insecurity.
All the arguments are a result of them, and it's like a hair trigger. So the first thing I needed to do was to make them understand that they are fucked up in the head, and to keep them with me I added that so am I. I told each of them that they were talking to someone who is fucked up in the head, and sometimes you have to control yourself. Your first reaction might not be right, hold off, think about it, and think about this fucked up in the head person that you supposedly love. Think of their reaction before you speak.
He apologized for the argument of the day before, and added that this was a hard time for him, being his birthday. The main problenm for him is on holidays too, because the Mother of his children has (illegally) not let him see the kids in years, and even now that he is working and paying child support she continues to do so. She went into the money required to start legal proceedings against her and I had to stop her. I did.
This was not the point. The point was that they allow something external to come between them. To cause an escalation, a heated argument. Things are how they are, you are supposed to conquer life together.
Then it went into "Lookit, how many times have you been over somebody's house and they said 'Oh no, don't do that, it pisses my olady off' ?". And vice versa "He will never stand for that" ?
I started to refer to the relationship as it. I told them that they are killing it, and what they need to do is nurture it, like a child. This hit the guy in the chest in a way, but he needed a little fine tuning.
The rest is a bit of a blur, it was very fast moving. I had trouble keeping up, but I am glad I was able.
Earlier I had ORDERED him to give her a hug, for three seconds. He refused. OK, all part of the game I guess, he wasn't ready, but another hour maybe things changed. We hashed out a few more issues under my arbitration and things got softer.
He spoke of his kids. On his birthday he wanted nothing fancy, maybe some stupid shit thing they made with construction paper and glue, shit like that, but it shows they care. And about their birthdays, he has left presents on their front porch and his ex would throw them in the trash. And by the way, he wasn't bad to her, she left him for another guy, and didn't know that he was even divorced for some time.
Silence fell, except for the fan. Then he told her loves her. Then she told me that noone has ever touched her like him bla bla bla, and then they got their hug. I piped up "OK three seconds is up". She laughed in his arms. Then I asked him how that felt, I got no verbal reply, but I didn't need it.
Just to add, before it was all settled she asked him if he was hungry and he said "I don't know", and I called him a liar. This guy is always hungry. He is quite active so he doesn't get fat, but like a Rhodesian Ridgeback, if you put food in front of him and he doesn't eat, bury him.
I go "YOU ARE SOOOO BUSTED".
They both laughed. The thing is that they laughed together. That is an important tool in helping people who are destroying themselves and each other. I hope it worked.
They are out having dinner right now, I am pretty sure they went to Denny's, he eats for free because it's his birthday. Then she'll probably get him some more on top of that. Whatever.
I told them to promise themselves (not each other) to not raise their voice in anger, and I think I am going to call them and insist on hearing them say "I promise myself not to raise my voice in anger". I might. I don't know if it is necessary.
I don't know if all this did any long term good but I feel good about it anyway. At least two people are less fucking miserable then they were a few hours ago. I can live with that.
T
Note: this post is the first time I have used the phrase "I feel" ever. I'll do it again; I feel useful.
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Playing shrink - 
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